X3N0

Ok so right now I am stuck in a situation with my ex. We had a pretty rocky relationship from the get go. She didn't treat me that well to begin with but we had developed a strong friendship away from our intimate relationship. We broke up just over a month ago and have dicussed getting back together multiple times. Everything seemed pretty good for me last thursday when we hooked up again and really sat down to work things out. She stayed at my house for over two nights and we were just happy being with each other. WE didnt want to rush into things so fast this time. Yesterday is when the news from a friend hit me like a tonne of bricks.

My friend is a very reliable person who tries his best to stay neutral in most situations, and avoid the crossfire. We have known each other for over two years, and he has no reason to lie to me. We just watch each other's backs. He is also best friends with my ex, so I get a lot of inside info.

He told me that after he found out what was going on from my ex, she said that she was just using me untill shes bored and has no intentions of getting back together.

My ex is such a loveable person though and I consider her such a close friend. We have a lot of good times together outside of our relationship and I'd like to keep it that way. The problem is I never let anyone lie to me about serious things, backstab me, or use me in anyway. It just usually results with me saying good-bye and forgetting about them. I don't know what to do.

I am just so confused about what to do at this point. I can stay with her and be a tool, and not care about and get some damn nice action. I could tell her straight up everything with all the other shit she's put me through. I could just exempt her from my life. This would be hard though since my ex, my friend and I all work together. I could go out with another girl thats interested and let her know that I dont want anything from her anymore and never will. I could tell her I want a straight honest answer from you about us, and untill I get that I don't want anything to do with you.

The last problem is if I confront her with her using me, she will know that Doug told me; thus ending their friendship at my hand. Even though both of us are pretty fed up.

Any advice or personal experiences would help. Thankyou TFP

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Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

Rodney

Bad news; get away. Good sex is not worth the degradation; if everybody's lying, how good can be it, anyway? Eventually, you'll wonder why you're there, showing up with your hat in hand out for a little sex every night until she dismisses you for good. Is that who you want to be?

I had a relationship with a woman who was very lonely, but also couldn't commit; just didn't feel safe doing it. She liked to pretend that "life is a cabaret" and there was no need to be serious about anything, including relationships, and yet she was not a happy person. I believed in commitment, and we were together for a year or so. I kept trying to get close and do some relationship work, but she kept dancing away. "Every once in a while, she'd tell me blithely, "I like being with you, but I'll probably dump you one of these days." I had also, in previous relationships, stayed too long and given up too much just for the sex, and I just couldn't take this. So _I_ finally broke it off. She complained that she'd be lonely without me -- not _me,_ but simply because there'd be nobody around. She never talked to me after that -- a mutual friend told me it was because her pride was hurt, more than anything; she believed that women were supposed to dump men instead of vice versa, and so I'd done the unforgiveable. But of course, she was gonna do it to me, and _my_ pride was intact.

I don't see how you get out of her without losing her as a friend. (Though, no matter how likeable she is, she's a dubious friend if she's lying to you and using you.) But I think you're better off losing her as a friend than letting her treat you like dirt. And what kind of friend does that?

X3N0

I phoned her last night around 9, and our conversation went mostly like this.
Me: I dont want anything from you but friendship. Ever. I cannot trust you and I suspect that your just using me.

Her: Thats ok, you treated me like a bitch.
Me: You are a bitch, and no I did not treat you like one. Your just used to getting everything you want, and you know I bow down to no one. What did you suspect?
Me: See you on Saturday.
Her: Ok, buhbye
Me: Bye

So who knows maybe everything will be fine. We might be able to be friends still. Thanks though Rodney I needed someone to tell me she wasnt worth having as a friend. Even though I knew it all along oO...

__________________
Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

Cynthetiq

No piece of ass is worth being used and spit back out when your done being used.

if you were to still be friends.. then you will, only time will tell that tale.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

guthmund

I know this is late, but I have to ask....

How the hell can you still be friends?
She treated you like crap from the start, she treated you like crap once you started going out and she treated you like crap after she broke up with you. How is it you can develop a strong friendship with someone who has consistently treated you like crap?

You call her, throw out the bitch word at her, tell her "I bow down to no one," and then tell her you'll see her Saturday....!?!

I don't know. You obviously don't think too much of her and she obviously doesn't like you at all unless she's using you for something. I would find that a difficult foundation to build a friendship on.

Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong, right?

__________________
No signature. None. Seriously.

X3N0

I see your point. Both of us are the kind of people that will just ignore shit and carry on with our lives. If we hang out tomorrow it will be like none of this ever happened. If things get too annoying, I know for sure I'll just blow her off.

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Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

Fohur2

I think the saturday comment came from them working together.

X3N0

Do you mean as in working to be friends or..?

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Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

tiltedbc

hey X3NO,
Suppose the tables were turned and I was the one asking for advice regarding a relationship like yours. What would be your advice?

X3N0

I think I have been waiting for someone to ask this question all along.

I have pretty solid views on all my opinions about things. My advice would be to cut the person out of your life. No one needs someone like that. Good luck to the next hapless fool who meets her.

I am in the process of breaking down our friendship in me right now, it's a tough struggle.

__________________
Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

tiltedbc

The reason I'm asking for your advice is because this is what you're gonna do no matter what anyone says. It also makes you admit you just don't have a plan. You're going to "cut her out of your life"? Tell me how you just stop caring for someone. I've been going through a bit of that myself over a girl and it's wearing me down. There I go... I just thought of her again.

Cutting people out of your life sounds a bit scary as well. Like the line from Hey Jude, "its a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder". Is this really going to get you anything?

I also don't see the advantage of ending a long term relationship without making an effort to work things out...
so here's MY advice.... and this could be long.

What should you do regarding your relationship? Nothing. At least for now.

You're being played to see how you'll react. Your Ex is testing you by giving Doug false information and Doug is happy to help destroy your relationship with this girl because.. who knows? He wants to make everyone happy besides sleeping with your ex. Yeah I know, Doug doesn't have a penis and it's impossible. Your ex would never sleep with him to piss you off.

Mutual friends can be a problem in a relationship. Both you and your Ex need to stop talking to Doug until things are straightened out. Don't discuss your relationship with anyone. Tell Doug your Ex has genital herpes for good measure.

Don't sleep with people you work with! There's a reason people say this. It's a closed environment where you're forced to be with people even if you don't like them. Reduce contact with each other while at work and keep your personal life outside of work. Welcome to the adult world. Don't dip your wick in the company well.

Your Ex sounds like fun. I'm guessing kind of sassy. You're not on here to complain about how shitty sex is with her or that she's dull. If she's interested in having sex with ya, whatcha doing on the internet?

Ask her to stop playing headgames through Doug and decide outright if she wants a relationship with you. If she does, and you're still attracted to her, then it's worth it to work things out. Most serious relationships go through bumps like these as you go along. You're lucky if it's not something big like a pregnacy or legal problem. How you work out problems is one of the defining traits of a successful relationship.

Take her out for a long walk. Fall really is a romantic time, so you're in luck. Tell her she can't use someone who's already willing to give whatever he can. If you're really in love, this isn't hard to say. Explain that if she wants a relationship with you, she won't drain you and spoil her own future. Does she want to have a relationship with you?

Do you want to have a relationship with her? Even if it's not perfect?

X3N0

Well tiltedbc I read what you have to sya and you have a pretty well organized and thought through opinion.

It's just that I know she isnt playing head games. She's too dumb, lets just say that. Me and her are just not on an equal intelligenve level at all. this bugs me at sometimes since I love to have intelligent conversations frequently and she hates talking about anything logical. She really avoids reality and bottles things up. There is no way to tip toe around things with her either. She is a closed book, and there's no key that can open a lock without a hole.

I had to work with her tonight, and its the first time we've seen each other since the day I phoned and put a stop to everything. At first there was pretty much silence and avoidance between us, but eventually we started to talk again. I wanted to clear things up so I casually asked her what she did the day that I wasnt able to see her due to the fact of me sleeping all day. She flipped and said "You fucking ditched me I don't care. I didn't want to listen to it before and I don't want to listen to it know". She's like that when she's pissed off. So I just have to wait for her anger to lower enough where we can start talking as friends again. That's if we want to be friends.

My favourite part of the night though was when she turned to me and said " you have this problem with always being right you know that". I bit my tongue very hard and replied with " thats ok im an ass anyways ". This was about the best reply I could come up with that wasn't filled with anger and retribution. The two that I had to bite my tongue for were " no, you have the disability of being a moron and are incapable of being right" and " well you put me in an akward since if I agree then im right, and if I disagree then im still saying im right. Either way your mad because your head is up your ass" Both are pretty much true though. I later relished my silent victory to a fellow co-worker and we had a good laugh since she completely agreed.

Now back to you wanting my advice. I really dont know what to say exactly because the hardest person to understand is yourself. Here it goes though. I try to avoid everything about the person I really do. Disconnect yourself from all material abjects that remind you of her. A nice thing to do is constantly remind yourself of reasons why you dislike them and regard everything else. Eventually in my case I wil have built a mental wall to block all emotions out and them too. Its a hard struggle. Do not let that statement be underestimate you. The best way though is your own method just work with what you know.

__________________
Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

anonymity_sucks

I hate to say this, but it sounds like a relationship I was in with someone I still care about a long time ago. Not to the fullest she didn't treat me like crap, but it was an in and out relationship where at some point I had to acknowledge that she liked to be around me because I was "safe" and she knew for the most part what to expect from me.

I know you've said that you always have the option of cutting her off, but I'd like to re-emphasize an earier opinion. It is INCREDIBLY hard to cut someone out of your life when you love them, even if they cause you so much emotional pain (or drama). I know I tried to do it a couple of times, and even now still can't be around her too much because it just ends up with me re-thinking over that old decision.

Glad you decided the booty wasn't worth it because there is always someone out there for you who is actually worth your time. You just have to find them (don't even start, I know it's harder to do than say). The only way I'd have looked that option straight in the face would be if it was on terms of "friends w/ benefits" but that too would be a sham in sort order, since you'd had a past relationship with her.

As for your friend, I agree with what has been said earlier. Kindly ask him to mind his own business for awhile until everything works out. No matter what kind of opinion he says, or who's best interest he's doing this for, he's playing with fire, and it'd be really easy for him to all of the sudden end up in the middle of this with an "oh shit" look on his face.

Your wanting to still be friends with her cries out how much you care for her, so I really don't see you cutting her off unless you change jobs at this point. Good luck with her. I don't see you resolving this situation any time quickly, but be patient and figure out what you actually want between you and her in the future.


Oh btw, don't let that shit about "Always have to be right" get to you. I know how hard it is to let that go (Mine pulled the same on me, and nothing was more frustrating), but just remember that it is a cheap shot and should only work once. No reason to let it hurt you if they can't even think of anything original when they try to attack you.

Cynthetiq

really? I see it as maybe a codependent low self esteem move.

I agree it's not easy to cut someone out of your life, friends and lovers, but still sometimes one has to cut their losses.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

pinkie

That's what I was thinking too, Cynthetiq.

X3N0

Thanks for more support and advice. Cutting her out of my life is a slow and very tedious process, but it will happen one day soon. I am glad for this, I dont like poison in my life.

__________________
Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

Cynthetiq

I take it you slowly peel off band aids instead of ripping them off quickly.

I'd rather just be done with it and be finished. Damn the work/friend situation. I don't need to be treated like crap from a friend, I have strangers that do that already.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

X3N0

I have a killer ending for everyone, my ex and Doug are now together. So now im stuck as a 3rd wheel if we ever hang out and its going to be akwards as hell. I Just don't really care about her anymore anyways, so I guess I'll just be happy for both of them.

__________________
Xenogears - Stand tall and shake the heavens
Socrates - The unstudied life, is not worth living

tiltedbc

you never mentioned the genital herpes to Doug?

Rlyss

Crisitunity!

That does suck about Doug and the ex, but hey, it means you don't have to feel awkward around either of them. If I were you I wouldn't hang out with them if it's just the three of you, I couldn't stand that.

Instead I'd take this as my opportunity to meet someone else, make some new friends (certainly keeping your old friends if you want), have some X3NO time, all that stuff.

If those two are going out now it means two problems have now just become one. Less to worry about, less to fuss over. And I don't think I even need to say this, but don't let yourself become Doug. Don't be the middle man, don't be the one they come to for advice, don't be a mediator. Mabye I'm too harsh but in my mind they're gone.

You know you're better off without her, and clearly better off without Doug. Doug knows what he's getting himself into, let them deal with it themselves.

avhg1

My first thought about the best friend telling you that she was using you, was that the two of them would be together. Funny now that I read to the bottom and that's what happened. I agree with Rlyss about not becoming the middle man. Go out and find yourself a good woman.

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I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

tiltedbc

I doubt your Ex and Doug are really having sex at this point even if you'd been led to believe that. I've done the "Doug" routine by mistake in the past and it's a fragile situation where being "used" is the price of admission and the bad boyfriend almost always steps back into the picture at some point.

You're deep into headgame territory now and the logical step would be to cut off contact with these people and carry on with life. Be adult and just nod in the hallway as you pass each other.

or....

In my honest opinion, you've got a great shot at some makeup sex with the ex. She wants you to fight for her at this point and come back begging forgiveness. Then she'll break up with you within a few weeks. It's a control thing and something she may need to do finalize the relationship. If possible, agree to become fuck-buddies or "a friend with benefits" as the saying goes. Not that you have to sleep with her, but this is the time to take advantage of relationship perks while you can.

I'll have sex with her if you can't do it.

In any event, you should work towards at least being on good terms with these former friends of yours. There's an old saying that "friends come and go, but enemies accumulate" and this applies to a work situation. Make her look good to people she works with if you can. Take Doug out for a beer and agree that the ex is out of bounds (once the sex is over). You were friends with these people in the past, so don't go overboard on hating them.

DO NOT date any of your ex's friends, co-workers or family members. I know it's tempting, but you're just digging a deeper hole. Go take a university class loaded with females and start meeting new people.

Cynthetiq

still with As the World Churns????

move on already...

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

water_boy1999

No kidding. Move on. I haven't read anything from you that would keep me in there if I was in your shoes. I think Doug is playing you just as much as she is. You think you are the one controlling the situation? I think not. Doug is the one sleeping with her, isn't he? It seems he used your friendship to get to her. It seems that she used your friendship to get to him.

You started off on a bad foot in the first place. You stuck around hen she treated you like shit. All I can ask is Why? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you have low self-esteem and think she is the only woman you can get? I have all these questions of why, why, why?????

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