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Old 05-04-2004, 04:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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"How was your day?"

Hi everyone. I'm having a bit of trouble talking to my girlfriend. I've only just started to realize this over the past few weeks, and I don't know if it's been like this for the whole year we've been together or if it's just started.

I'm always interested in what my girlfriend has to say. I always ask her about her day, how her shift was, how her classes were, how her friends are, etc. And I'm genuinely interested in what she has to say. I'm always full of questions and I love talking about that stuff. I don't do this cause I'm supposed to be a responsive boyfriend, I love asking questions about her day.

But the most she'll ask me is 'How was your day?', and my response is the end of that conversation. She will only very rarely ask any follow-up questions, and even then it's one, or two at the most. She seems to have nothing to say in response. It's not that I gush everything out and pre-empt her questions, or that I'm so exhaustive or thorough in my story of that day that she has no questions. It seems like when I answer she's just hearing what I say and leaves it at that.

Today after I asked her how her day was and had a great chat about that, she asked me how my day was. I told her about the weather and my shoes, and my lectures, and the girl in one class who stood up and asked 'Am I the only one in this class who's crazy?' out of nowhere, and some other stuff about my day. But I left it rather general and with plenty of room for questions, to see if she'd appear interested and ask more. As soon as I'd finished that (it took all of thirty seconds or so) she stood up and said she'd better get going, as she had a bit of a drive home.No follow up questions, no remarks on the crazy girl (I'd told her another story about her another time), no response at all.

This happens a lot. Whenever I start to see her attention waning (almost immediately) I'll usually stop and half-joke that my story wasn't so interesting and that I could see she's bored, and she'll laugh it off and claim that she is interested! Then before I know it she'll be talking about a totally different subject.

I know I could be more assertive and keep at it, and not let her change the subject like that, but when I'm telling a story that I think she'd be interested in, and she clearly doesn't care, then I can hardly just keep going and humiliate myself, can I? I could always just quit telling her my stories and how my day was, but she's my partner! I love talking about our day. And it's not that I have boring stories, or that my days are empty, or that I have a monotone voice, or that I'm just a boring guy, or anything like that. Basically, I just want to talk to my girlfriend about our days, and she's only semi-interested in telling me about hers, and not at all interested about hearing about my day.

And this isn't just when I talk about my day, it seems to be about a lot of things. I know she's often the jealous type (which is funny, since she's great friends with more men than I am, and I have very few female friends) so part of me wonders if she doesn't like hearing my stories if they don't involve her?

Does anyone have any advice? Since it's a communication problem, I know it's ironic that I should sit her down and talk to her about the fact that she doesn't let me talk. When I've tried that it's been the same response: that of course she is interested! Then a hug, and a sexual innuendo and then she subject's changed before I know it.

What can I do?

(And please don't think my six thousand word essay here is anything like how I talk, because it's not! I just type too much, I don't speak for 20 minutes about the weather!)
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Old 05-04-2004, 06:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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you appear to be a conversationalist and she appears to not be.

It doesn't mean that she's not ninterested it is just not her conversational style.

watch and see how she treats others. If she's doing the followup with others and not with you, then there is a problem, but more than likely it's just the same with everyone else.
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Old 05-04-2004, 06:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I think she's usually fairly responsive to other people, perhaps not as much as I am. I think she is a fairly good conversationalist though. It seems it's the things that I say that make her either uninterested, or even upset.

I've been thinking since I posted that, and mabye I'm on to something when I say that she gets jealous. She's told me a number of times not to tell me about my night if I went out the night before and she didn't go. She told me she'd rather not hear about it because she didn't go and she feels worse if I had fun without her. (And by the way, I know how awful that is to say something like that, especially since it's usually her choice that she doesn't go out with our friends, and that's one of the things I'm giving a lot of thought to in this relationship."

Does anyone think that a woman with so many close male friends could really get so jealous about my every day life, that the mention of a female classmate could make her quiet and not want to talk?
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Old 05-04-2004, 03:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I had a similar situation a few years back. My g/f at the time (who is now my wife) would never really ask how my day was and would give me a very quick answer when I asked for hers. It used to really tick me off and we would sometimes get into arguments about it. But after I while I just learned to let it go and understand that it's just the way it's always going to be. <p>
So it's probably going to be one of those things where you're going to want to talk about these things and she's going to not. And no one is going to convince the other to change.
<p>As for the jealousy issue with going out at night...hopefully it's just something she'll get over after you've been together for a while. I didn't see mention of it in your post, how long have you been dating? If it's not been a while, I wouldn't worry about it. If it's over a year or so, maybe there's more behind it than you're aware of.
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Old 05-04-2004, 08:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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scott - we've been together for just over a year now, about thirteen months. I wrote it up there but didn't stress it, sorry I think I also didn't stress that she likes to talk about her day. That's what leads me to believe that she is a conversationalist, or a one-sided one at least. And whether that makes her a conversationalist or not, I don't know.

She loves talking about her day, and she's quite happy and enthusiastic and tells me everything. Not just because I respond when we talk, but because she likes to tell me, and I like to respond.

It's when I want to talk that she seems to get bored. I'll tell her about my day, and it's no less boring than hers, but as soon as I start talking she just seems to switch off and her mind wanders, she starts making sexual jokes or playing with my hair or fiddles around with stuff in the room. Basically anything but listen and respond when I enter the conversation.

By the way, it happened again about half an hour ago. We exchanged a few messages on our mobiles about her day, she sent four messages (with me responding back and forth) about what she's up to. My final message briefly mentioned what I had been doing today and I haven't had a reply. Once she's said her piece she doesn't want to hear what I have to say.

One side of me is saying it's not a big deal, if she doesn't want to hear what I have to say then I shouldn't worry. Another part says 'Screw this, find someone who wants to hear your thoughts!'.

EDIT: The hardest thing about this, I think, is the fact that she clearly doesn't care about what I have to say about general, everyday stuff. Maybe it's boring, but isn't just having a friendly chat a huge part of a relationship? It's not all sex and romance and dinner dates. Since it appears she doesn't really care, if I explained that I wanted her to care, it would be so false. When she responds I would know that she's only doing it because I asked her to, not because she's genuinely interested in what I have to say.

I'm at a loss

Last edited by Dorito2; 05-04-2004 at 08:26 PM..
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Old 05-04-2004, 08:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I've known plenty of girls who'll give you a 25 minute speech about someone at work who pissed them off, but who'll completely space out about 5 seconds into the summary of your day.
She probably knows that you couldn't give a fuck about what colour blouse her professor was wearing today. But she should at least let you get your story in.
If you want to be heard, than make yourself heard. If all you care about is listening, than just listen.

Edit - You were editing while I was writing. If she flat out, doesn't care about what you have to say, you're better off alone.

Last edited by rockzilla; 05-04-2004 at 08:39 PM..
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Old 05-07-2004, 02:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Alton, IL
I think a lot of people have the problem of talking and not listening. I've noticed it a lot with friends who act the same way. It always pisses me off to listen to someone go on and on about a topic for 20 minutes but phase out of walk away twenty seconds into my own story. It especially kills me when their story was mundane and something out of the ordinary happened to me that day.

I guess bring it up and see if you can work it out. I don't see this as a final solution because you really can't force her to listen. Maybe half the trouble girls have with guys comes from not listening to what they have to say.
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Old 05-07-2004, 03:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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On the rare occasions my ex b.f. would ask me how my day was I would tell him and it seemed as if he weren't listening to me (this was almost always after I had asked him about his). Eventually I would just give him short answers...one day he asked me why I wouldn't go into further detail and I told him it was because he wouldn't listen when I did go into it...he said he knew that and that it was because he used to not want to listen but once he realized how selfish that was he decided to make the effort to pay attention to what I was saying.
I guess my point is that maybe she really isn't interested in your day or maybe she doesn't feel like listening.
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Old 05-07-2004, 03:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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So, how was your day?
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Old 05-07-2004, 07:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I found it somewhat ironic that my thread here only got one or two replies (And if that isn't irony, I give up! It seems so hard to define!)

The same thing happened the other day, she talked all about her day and when it was my turn she suddenly turned off and got distracted by everything, didn't ask any questions or respond at all. When I just stopped mid-sentence and gave her another change to talk about whatever she wanted she asked why I stopped talking. I told her I could see she wasn't really interested and again she claimed she was, but her actions and her words didn't quite match up.

Ah well, I've always kept lots to myself and let other people talk ahd share their stuff with me, so I think I'll just keep doing that. I'ts what I've always done anyway.

If she asks in future I'll start, but if I can see her attention waning then I'll just let her talk instead.
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Old 05-07-2004, 08:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
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She may be paying attention to you and doing other things at the same time. Some people are able to do other things while still listening to you while you're talking...I've done that before. Is she noticed that you stopped mid-sentence then that's a good sign. My ex-b.f. rarely noticed when I stopped mid-sentence. Have you told her that this bothers you? Maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it.
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Old 05-08-2004, 05:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I may be reading this wrong but it sounds like you're setting something up to be ultimatum time. I just have a feeling that in a week or so you'll be having a big fight about this. I'd just make sure you're ready to deal with whatever comes out of this bc it sounds like neither one of you are going to change. I'd just suggest sticking to your guns if it's that important to you.
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Old 06-05-2004, 12:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You just gotta tell her how you feel. It's all about the communication.
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