She's Kidnapped my Best Friend! - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

rockzilla · 01-27-2004, 01:08 PM

Okay, not exactly, but here's the story.

My best friend "S" started going out with this girl about 2 months ago. Since then, he's been damn near impossible to get a hold of, which I understand fully, being that his GF provides him with things that his male friends can't (or won't). But what gets me is that half the times that we make plans together, he's nowhere to be found (and he doesn't think to call and cancel our plans), and when we do actually get together, there's an inevitable 45 minute phone call from the GF, which he tries to get out of by telling her he's got people over, but that just seems to upset her, leading to him trying to calm her down while the rest of us politely ignore the conversation.
I've met the girl a few times, and done my best to be nice to her, either she's really shy and introverted, or she just doesn't like us (myself, and the rest of S's friends), I think it's a bit of both.
S tells me that her last boyfriend was pretty distant (emotionally), which explains why she's so clingy with him. He really cares about this girl, and I don't want to make it look like I'm trying to get in the way, but what I'd like to know is if there's any way to get him to make her understand that S has other friends and that we deserve at least a little bit of his time?

StormBerlin · 01-27-2004, 01:30 PM

There's nothing you can do. He wont get it until he want to get it. Just make sure you don't abandon the friendship and be there for him when it eventually fuzzles.

Cynthetiq · 01-27-2004, 01:36 PM

sounds like you need to be a good friend and find something else to do. if he's a true friend he'll come back around.

lrsurfer · 01-27-2004, 02:31 PM

Good advice

ratbastid · 01-27-2004, 06:21 PM

Don't make her issues your issues. I'm with Cynthetiq and StormBerlin. You don't need to put up with that.

*Nikki* · 01-27-2004, 06:25 PM

Being a girl I see my bf do this a lot with his friends. He and I are together A LOT and they will call him and try and make plans but usually we already have plans. Still I never prevent him from seeing them. I know that him having his own space is very crucial to our relationship.

IMHO I would just wait and see. The relationship is still new and give it some time and he will come back around. Things like this require an adjustment period.

bigbad · 01-28-2004, 12:00 AM

One of my good friends did the same thing to me, I tried to not let it bother me but eventually we just drifted apart. No hope for rekindling friendship either because apparently they are planning on getting engaged soon. That's life though.

kulrblind · 01-28-2004, 05:25 AM

Perhaps you can plan a "boys night out" every couple of weeks (or one a month, or something) that he'll be committed to going to (and enjoying!). Surely the gf can understand a guy's need to hang with his pals now and then.

It seems he's really quite afraid of hurting her feelings, or turning into the "previous boyfriend," even though it seems he's already more attentive than the last schmo.

Talk to your friend about what the real problem might be (trust, guts, spine, etc), and if he's willing to address the situation with the girl, and schedule a boys night out in ink, every now and then. I guarantee everyone will be happier once you're all communicating.

skysooner · 01-28-2004, 08:36 AM

The warning sign here are the times he has to talk to her when he is with you guys. This is a sign of insecurity on either his or her part. Note that I'm not blaming her here. Many times the guy is perceiving he needs to call rather than needing to call. There may be no hope here. If she is the one that is insecure and mandating that he call, then all you can do is hope he sees the light eventually. If it is he that is insecure, hopefully he grows out of it.

Mr.Deflok · 01-28-2004, 01:05 PM

Personally I feel that if your friend and his girlfriend love each other so much then you'd be the better friend to let them be. Love is a powerful thing and whenever I'm in it I won't let anyone get in the way. However, if this is not an option then try what kurlblind said in his first paragraph.

sillygirl · 01-28-2004, 02:20 PM

Let 'em be. Not much else to say. He'll come around eventually, at least I hope so for you.

I've seen this happen with a lot of friends, guys and girls. Shoot, when I was married, my husband didn't really let me see any of my friends because he always thought that I was gonna go fuck around behind his back. Now the divorce is almost final, and I'm wondering why I let all my friends disappear.

lurkette · 01-28-2004, 03:03 PM

It's not like she's holding a gun to his head. Deal with your friend - it's his behavior that's the problem, not hers. He's flaking on plans - call him on it. He's talking on the cell phone when he's with other friends - call him on it. The reason he's doing it is irrelevant.

Kaos · 01-28-2004, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette
It's not like she's holding a gun to his head. Deal with your friend - it's his behavior that's the problem, not hers. He's flaking on plans - call him on it. He's talking on the cell phone when he's with other friends - call him on it. The reason he's doing it is irrelevant.

Exactly...you can't just let this slide. This happened with a friend of mine so I just let it be. And when they broke up, he wanted to hang out and do all the stuff we used to do as if his gf had never come along. Next girl came along and same thing.

It's one thing to give your friend's new relationship some space...it's another to become someone's back-up plan.

wry1 · 01-29-2004, 07:37 PM

I'd say that of all the courses of action offered, the best is probably something in the middle....

Confront your friend, but only on the "flake factor" and the appearant need to console his girlfriend when he finally makes it to something you've all planned.

Simply put: there's issues in that relationship which only your friend and his GF can resolve. But the issues that he has with his (soon-to-be-ex) friends are what you guys need to tackle.

You might be able to help, you might lose a friend.

Just stay out of his relationship issues. But it's just my opinon.

...I could be right.

01-27-2004, 01:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
rockzilla Junkie Location: The Kitchen	She's Kidnapped my Best Friend! Okay, not exactly, but here's the story. My best friend "S" started going out with this girl about 2 months ago. Since then, he's been damn near impossible to get a hold of, which I understand fully, being that his GF provides him with things that his male friends can't (or won't). But what gets me is that half the times that we make plans together, he's nowhere to be found (and he doesn't think to call and cancel our plans), and when we do actually get together, there's an inevitable 45 minute phone call from the GF, which he tries to get out of by telling her he's got people over, but that just seems to upset her, leading to him trying to calm her down while the rest of us politely ignore the conversation. I've met the girl a few times, and done my best to be nice to her, either she's really shy and introverted, or she just doesn't like us (myself, and the rest of S's friends), I think it's a bit of both. S tells me that her last boyfriend was pretty distant (emotionally), which explains why she's so clingy with him. He really cares about this girl, and I don't want to make it look like I'm trying to get in the way, but what I'd like to know is if there's any way to get him to make her understand that S has other friends and that we deserve at least a little bit of his time?

01-27-2004, 01:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
StormBerlin Happy as a hippo Location: Southern California	There's nothing you can do. He wont get it until he want to get it. Just make sure you don't abandon the friendship and be there for him when it eventually fuzzles. __________________ "if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

01-27-2004, 01:36 PM	#3 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	sounds like you need to be a good friend and find something else to do. if he's a true friend he'll come back around. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

01-28-2004, 02:20 PM	#11 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	Let 'em be. Not much else to say. He'll come around eventually, at least I hope so for you. I've seen this happen with a lot of friends, guys and girls. Shoot, when I was married, my husband didn't really let me see any of my friends because he always thought that I was gonna go fuck around behind his back. Now the divorce is almost final, and I'm wondering why I let all my friends disappear. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

01-28-2004, 03:03 PM	#12 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	It's not like she's holding a gun to his head. Deal with your friend - it's his behavior that's the problem, not hers. He's flaking on plans - call him on it. He's talking on the cell phone when he's with other friends - call him on it. The reason he's doing it is irrelevant. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

01-27-2004, 02:31 PM	#4 (permalink)
lrsurfer Banned	Good advice

01-27-2004, 06:21 PM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Don't make her issues your issues. I'm with Cynthetiq and StormBerlin. You don't need to put up with that.

01-27-2004, 06:25 PM	#6 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	Being a girl I see my bf do this a lot with his friends. He and I are together A LOT and they will call him and try and make plans but usually we already have plans. Still I never prevent him from seeing them. I know that him having his own space is very crucial to our relationship. IMHO I would just wait and see. The relationship is still new and give it some time and he will come back around. Things like this require an adjustment period.

01-28-2004, 12:00 AM	#7 (permalink)
bigbad Insane	One of my good friends did the same thing to me, I tried to not let it bother me but eventually we just drifted apart. No hope for rekindling friendship either because apparently they are planning on getting engaged soon. That's life though.

01-28-2004, 05:25 AM	#8 (permalink)
kulrblind plays well with others Location: Canada	Perhaps you can plan a "boys night out" every couple of weeks (or one a month, or something) that he'll be committed to going to (and enjoying!). Surely the gf can understand a guy's need to hang with his pals now and then. It seems he's really quite afraid of hurting her feelings, or turning into the "previous boyfriend," even though it seems he's already more attentive than the last schmo. Talk to your friend about what the real problem might be (trust, guts, spine, etc), and if he's willing to address the situation with the girl, and schedule a boys night out in ink, every now and then. I guarantee everyone will be happier once you're all communicating.

01-28-2004, 08:36 AM	#9 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	The warning sign here are the times he has to talk to her when he is with you guys. This is a sign of insecurity on either his or her part. Note that I'm not blaming her here. Many times the guy is perceiving he needs to call rather than needing to call. There may be no hope here. If she is the one that is insecure and mandating that he call, then all you can do is hope he sees the light eventually. If it is he that is insecure, hopefully he grows out of it.

01-28-2004, 01:05 PM	#10 (permalink)
Mr.Deflok Blood + Fire Location: New Zealand	Personally I feel that if your friend and his girlfriend love each other so much then you'd be the better friend to let them be. Love is a powerful thing and whenever I'm in it I won't let anyone get in the way. However, if this is not an option then try what kurlblind said in his first paragraph.

01-29-2004, 07:37 PM	#14 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	I'd say that of all the courses of action offered, the best is probably something in the middle.... Confront your friend, but only on the "flake factor" and the appearant need to console his girlfriend when he finally makes it to something you've all planned. Simply put: there's issues in that relationship which only your friend and his GF can resolve. But the issues that he has with his (soon-to-be-ex) friends are what you guys need to tackle. You might be able to help, you might lose a friend. Just stay out of his relationship issues. But it's just my opinon. ...I could be right.