laconic1

Let me start off by saying I am terrible at making eye contact. It is uncomfortable, unnatural, and akward for me. I don't like it when people make a lot of eye contact with me.

That being said, apparently I am in a super small minority. I have noticed on evaluations of presentations and job interviews, that my poor eye contact is a major liability. I really am having to force myself to make eye contact and apparently I still am not doing enough of it.

So I guess what I'm after here is for you people that are comfortable with it, or expect it, WHY? What is it about it that you need people to make eye contact to get through to you?

Redlemon

Because it is a conversation, not a monologue. Without seeing your eyes, I can't really tell how you are reacting to what I am saying.

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Peryn

i have to concentrate on looking them in the eyes if i sustain eye contact longer than 2 seconds or so. After that it just gets...wierd...and i look away for a few seconds. Continually staring into someones eyes while chatting just doesn't feel right to me. i look at them frequently enough to let them know im listening, but for most people i dont feel right sustaining eye contact.

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Evil Milkman

It's a difficult thing to get used to, but if done correctly, you can start to tell how the other person is reacting to what you're saying. You don't have to feel like you have to stare them, just try to relax and it will eventually come to you more natural. I have a hard time with eye contact sometimes, too, but I'm working on fixing that. It seems more polite if you can seem interested in what the other person is saying, even if you aren't interested.

kwoodmex

I generally don't have a hard time with eye contact, I'm pretty comfortbale with it.

However when someone is intently staring into my eyes while they're telling me something is a bit unnerving.

insidious_machinae

I cannot make eye contact with people I am not a) In love with, b) family-related to

I look at people and I feel suddenly powerless, and I hate the thought that people can interpret what I'm thinking if I look at them.


Plus, I'm shorter than a lot of people so I don't like looking up to them. It's infuriating.

Sho Nuff

Practice staring into your own eyes in the mirror. Sounds silly but it worked for me years ago when I had a hard time making eye contact with people.

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Cynthetiq

they say that you can see a man's soul through their eyes... and I think that's very true.

in most body language studies you'll find that someone who doesn't have good eye contact is not trustworthy, has something to hide, is ashamed of something, shy.

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:::OshnSoul:::

I used to be terrible at it, but then I realized how important it is- it shows so much:
trust, genuinity, care, love, and respect.
Especially with names, now I look at their eyes when they tell me their name and I then repeat it while looking in their eyes still.
It is so important- you listen so much better and remember more.

SabrinaFair

I'm pretty good at eye contact...I've done a fair amount of public speaking, and its sort of taught me that looking someone in the eye makes you seem more credible. Sometimes its still a little awkward, but I do my best to make eye contact when its appropriate. As OshnSoul said, it's very important, and definetly says, "I'm listening...I respect you."

I've actually practiced for speeches by making eye contact with photographs. They're unblinking and never look away, they can be even more unnerving than real people. But, maybe that's my own neuroses.

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water_boy1999

I am in the staffing industry. I have interviewed so many people that I can tell from facial expressions and eye contact if they will be a good fit for my client. Obviously, I want to send upbeat, confident people who I know can handle under pressure. I am not saying that you can't, crazybill, but you will give more credibility and gain more confidence when giving eye contact.

I think some people might hide behind their eyes because, like someone said, one can see right to the soul of another. If this is true, which I believe it is, then some people might either have something to hide, or they are genuinly shy and it makes them feel awkward with all the eye contact.

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bparker805

I was one of those who had problems making eye contact too. But after a pretty moving experience, I have learned the value of making eye contact with others. I could barely hold anothers gaze longer than a few seconds. Now I can have whole conversations with people without looking away. I now notice when people dont hold it with me and sometimes (depending on how deep the conversation is) I'll ask people to stop looking everywhere else and to just look at me.

If you are haveing trouble with eye contact, try this. Dont try to look at both eyes, just concentrate on the other persons left eye. This keeps you from shifting back and forth from each eye. I've had friends tell me now that when we talk, they realy feel that i've heard what they had to say due to the attention that i allow them (through eye contact)...

diddagirl

Eye contact is truly very important especially at job interviews. I think thats how I finally got myself into the eye contact mode. I really really wanted a job, and I knew that the eye contact thing would show my confidence and they could hopefully get an idea of the real me. Now adays- I am soo hardcore into eye contact, I think I get a little intense with it, and maybe wierd people out or intimidiate them.

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irseg

I make good eye contact when I'm pissed off at someone and want to intimidate them (at 150 lbs I need all the help I can get ), when I'm expected to (interviews, etc), or when it's someone I like and I want to show that I care about what they're saying. Otherwise I don't really bother to look straight at them for the entire conversation.

If making direct eye contact with someone is really troublesome, try their nose or forehead instead. It'll look close enough and might be easier.

SecretMethod70

Honestly, in my opinion, and please don't take this the wrong way, if someone has a problem with eye contact to the point that it's extremely noticeable then that tells me the person lacks a significant amount of confidence. There's no reason to stare into someone's eyes when you speak, but there should be a consistant amount of eye contact when conversing with someone.

I remember hearing about a study a couple years ago that showed that eye contact was a big factor in demonstrating who the "alpha-male" of a one-on-one interation was. (And, by alpha-male, I don't mean that this applies only to males). What was shown was that on a pretty consistant basis, the person who had the power in the social interaction tended to maintain eye contact when addressing the other person, yet did not maintain it when the other person was doing the talking. The opposite held true for the person who was not in control of the situation. Also, they found that the person who did not have control tended to imitate the body movements and posture of the person that did. It was very interesting to hear.

Anyway, my point is, maybe you have a confidence issue. Obviously think about it sincerely - that's not something that most people can admit to themselves very easily if it's true. If you do, or think you may, find a way to build your internal confidence and maybe you'll find it easier to make eye contact.

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homerhop

Once you can break someones eye contact, you have the upper hand.I find if someone cant make eye contact they are nervous.

I used to go down town for my lunch and have to pass where a group from the local collage used to take up the whole street.I always picked a different one out each day and made constant eye contact, It always made them nervous and they would step out of my way and say hello.we always found that quiet funny

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laconic1

Thank you for all your replies. While eye contact isn't natural to me it is something I'm trying to improve. When I started this thread yesterday I had just got home from a disastrous job interview. About halfway through the interview she wrote on the bottom of the page in the part labeled "Recommend for hire" NO, poor eye contact.
At that point I realized I was screwed anyways, but for the rest of the interview I focused on making better eye contact. At the end of the interview I noticed she crossed out the NO, but the poor eye contact comment remained.
Last night I had to do a presentation in my human resources class. I focused heavily on making eye contact with people throughout the room, and projecting my voice. I think I succeeded on both counts, at the expense of the quality of my presentation.
Thinking about it, I think I might have a genuine confidence issue. I can't pinpoint when it started, but I remember in elementary school I used to be able to talk to people like it was nothing. I used to always go for the lead role in school plays and things like that. I don't know where I went wrong or how to get back on track, I just know I hate being this way.

dragon2fire

making eye contact and keeping it says that i am confident

insidious_machinae

The strange thing is that I am confident, but I really just don't trust people that I don't know really really well, so that makes it so difficult to keep eye contact with strangers.


I'm a very inside-the-box thinker and I feel (often compulsively) that change is not a good thing. I would rather live out my entire life in the same room doing the same thing every day forever, than change.

Stick with what works. That way you don't have to trust anyone.

moonstrucksoul

because to me the eyes are the window to the soul, and your soul never lies, and because it truly shows me that you are listening to me, or that i have your full attention.

i try to instill this in my children when i am talking to them.

phaedrus

.Look either at peoples mouths or foreheads or better back and forth between the two, instead of eyes most people won't notice the difference.

ratbastid

This might sound a little out there, but....

Eye contact is a side-effect. When two people are having a conversation, and they're both really there, eye contact happens, everyone feels heard and known and respected, and communication takes on a very powerful, efficient, and satisfying quality. People feel very, very related when this occurs.

This isn't something you can "fake" by learning tricks about maintaining eye contact. What people will get is, "Oh. He's trying to really relate to me." They're not left with the relatedness, they're left with you trying.

What it takes to have this sort of in-the-moment relatedness is being willing to be vulnerable. Because yes, in these moments, the people you're with can see deeply into you, and you deeply into them.

There ARE ways to train yourself to cause this sort of experience with people, but it's really not about learning to maintain eye contact.

rockzilla

When I talk to someone who can't (or won't) make eye contact with me, I wonder if the person is actually listening. If someone is talking to me without making eye contact, I wonder if they actually believe what they're saying.
If someone can't look into my eyes while we're talking, I take it as a sign that they're intimidated by me, or that they're uncomfortable around me. Why would I want to interact with someone that sends those kind of signs out?

anleja

This thread is making me want to have eye contact with people.

I will be the dominate one!

This reminds me of my old boss. At the job interview, HE was the one not making eye contact. It was very strange.

Some people make eye contact by glancing quickly from one eye to the other really fast. That seems to always catch me off guard.

AfterBurn

people always tell me i have nice eyes so i love staring into peoples eyes

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dragon2fire

rat bastid that is a very interesting veiw point and well said also that is most certainaly a type of eye contact



eye contact also happens for me atleast when there is some one i am mad at i satre real hard at there eyes kind of a trying to stare them down type thing



interesting prespeective there something i have not concusially been aware of but now that you metion it your quite right

skier

what if you are ashamed of your eyes, and want to hide them?

analog

I enjoy that I can read people through body language and, more specifically, their eyes. It's fascinating.

I read people like books. My bullshit detector is infallible. Sounds like bragging, might be a little, but it's really a great tool.

krwlz

I make a lot of eye contact... Its surprising how many people look away when you look them in the eye.

Cynthetiq

well stated ratbastid...

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Yakk

Eye contact is important because people think eyes are the windows to the soul.

In order to satisfy whatever hangups they have, you have to look them in the eyes.

It isn't anything really important, but they think it matters. So humour them -- it doesn't take much work to do meaningless social gestures, and not doing them makes people feel wierd.

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bermuDa

if i'm directly talking to someone, I almost always make eye contact. It makes me feel empowered, especially when I am firm in my convictions about whatever we're discussing.

When someone is talking in a group, such as a meeting or presentation, I feel awkward making eye contact, since it's a one way communication rather than a dialogue. I'll usually stare at something and nod when I feel their eyes on me. I try to make eye contact but it just feels weird, as if i'm absorbing the presentator's attention when it should be dispersed to the whole audience.

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amonkie

People usually get disconcerted when I'm staring at their mouth trying to read their lips, so breaking every once in a while and making eye contact is my way of saying I really am in the conversation, i just have to have my eyes somewhere else in order to make sense of it.

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ratbastid

A good presenter can have you feel like you're the ONLY one they're talking to. One way to do that is to deliver a phrase or short sentence TO one member of the group, and then turn to another member of the group and deliver the next phrase TO them, and then turn to somebody else, etc.

I wouldn't worry about being an attention suck. I used to feel that way too, until I started presenting things. Then I realized that a presenter WANTS you to feel like you're getting a high amount of attention from them.

ashap

Personally, it is a sincerity thing. If you can't look someone in the eye as you speak to them, it makes you seem insincere. The job interview example you gave is a good one - Why do I think you are being straight with me if you can't look me straight in the eye when you talk to me? It makes me as the interviewer skeptical. It is also a personal connection thing - people want some sort of connection with others. Eye contact makes a conversation seem more grounded and connected personally.

alkaloid

I have hard time with eye contact thing, too. Recently, I was watching reruns of Law and Order: CI and in one episode the bad guy had something called Asperger Syndrome, which is a form of high-functioning autism. He was totally devoid of any native social skill so he had to simulate it by observing people around him and formulating and consciously following the rules just so that he doen't stand out like a total alien. He said something like how he has to maintain eye contact 1/3 of the time, any more people think he is being aggressive, any less, people will find him insincere.

I somehow identified with that man.

Paeder

i was just thinking about this subject the other day. it seems to me that Joe and Jane Average dont like to make eye contact, with strangers especially. i believe that the whole idea about seeing someone's soul through their eyes is somewhat true. so i decided to walk around campus and look deeply into people's eyes as they walk by. i definately recieved some interesting reactions from a wide variety of people. it is actually a really interesting study of people. we are all brothers and sisters right? so why are we arfraid to look at ourselves?

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InTeGrA77

I also have a problem with eye contact, and people tell me that all the time. I can't look anyone in the eye for any longer than a couple seconds, before it gets way to weird for me. If I'm driving somewhere, or riding in a car, I NEVER even so much as look at whoever I'm having a conversation with. I hate it when people take thier eyes off the road to look at people while they're or you're talking. I mean, you don't HAVE to look at a person when you talk to them...you don't hear with your eyes!

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kurty[B]

I should've read the rest of this post, but wanted to go ahead and say what I have to say.

Eye contact is extremely important to me. The eyes are the window to the soul. Almost never am I afraid, or uncomfortable holding eye contact with people (my friends in grade school used to get pissed at me cause in bad neighborhoods I would look anyone and everyone in the eye, even the man running down the street in an all red jumpsuit who'd just try and stare me down; and I'd continue the eye contact till I felt it was sufficient to stop).

In conversations I find watching people's eyes, and general body movements you can tell how they really feel about what they are talking about. Often tell if they're lying, if they even know what they are talking about.

Not being a particularly great conversationist I use my eyes to communicate (probably too much so). I use them to show girls I'm interested in them, or intriqued by them. I also have a habit of making solid eye contact with people I pass by, and giving them a sincere smile. It's amazing how you can watch their eyes light up, and their smile return just seeing someone else smile. I love it. I don't hold anything against someone who is uncomfortable with eye contact though. It's not a contest, just another means of communication. There are times where the last thing I want to do is look someone in the eye, and what not.

As for improving eye contact. Have staring competitions with your friends, even if it sounds childish, it helps. I always used to be able to win such contests, and when it came to eye contact with anyone I did treat it like competition as a kid, but now it's just something I do. Another thing is to be honest with yourself, I notice if I'm lying, eye contact becomes very hard, so I just don't do that.

phunktastic

I'm always afraid the person might get creeped out that I'm locked in on their eyes for longer than a few seconds. Maybe I should start trying to look them in the eye the whole time.

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