bagatelle

When I was in late teens, I realized a (then) good friend of mine likes to come visit me at our house, because she fancies my brother. Well, I knew my brother would not like her at all in that sense and he would never date her.

This made me feel a bit awkward for my friend, because I couldn't tell her that, but I also didn't like, that it's not really my company she's after.

OTOH, I could tell some of my brother's friends would visit our house to see me...

My mother has always been an annoying matchmaker. She used to work at a shop, where she met many of my school mates and she would joke to the boys of my age, that they might become her son-in-law one day. She constantly discussed with a granny of one of these boys, how I and this woman's grandson should marry. This was only more than enough for me not to even consider any of them...

These kind of experiences have made me try to stay as far as possible from any situations, where I would connect two people to each other and tell them, they should be together. I wish everyone finds their happiness or breaks up without my part in it, I wanted to find my own partner without someone else - especially my mother! - telling me, who to pick.

I feel uncomfortable, when I notice, someone is possibly using me as an instrument to get to know someone else better in romantic sense.

Is this too extreme thinking? Do you enjoy hooking two people up? Should I take a different kind of attitude and help people to unite and be happy for them instead of being skeptical, rather? Should I fear less of being used?

__________________

dlish

I stay the hell away from playing match maker.

if someone asks for my opinion on what a person is like, i dont give an answer except to say that i dont know them well enough to give a recommendation.

the last thing i want is for a couple to break up and have someone tell me i withheld information from them.

if they wanted to know that person they should do it themselves.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Ourcrazymodern?

Through a mutual acquaintance is how many meet. I don't think there's anything wrong with being that conduit unless you do it intentionally.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

amonkie

In college I had a very tight girlfriend many guys lusted after, and would try to get to her through me, including my own cousin. That experience made me very reluctant to trust guys who try to compliment me because they would all get cozy with me to just turn around and ask "so, do you think M is into me?".


Now.... I let people make their own decisions. I am really the only single one of the group I have, so most of the time I'm trying to fend off the matches, not set them up.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Zeraph

I don't mind if someone tries to "hook" me up with someone, so long as its nothing I'm stuck too (like an actual blind date). I don't play matchmaker though.

Lendari

There's no real downside as long as you know when to give up. It's only awkward if you keep trying when one party is definitely not interested. Personally I've been the beneficiary of matchmaking met a nice girl so I am glad that person took the time to try.

Why fend them off? I can't think of a better situation as long as the matches are reasonable.

zenda

Hi Bagatelle.

I agree with your attitude.

When a couple of friends of mine are obviously getting closer, then I'll be actively and loudly happy for them ... but that's only AFTER they've made their match.

amonkie

Lendari - I am fending them off because I have a few dealbreakers that I refuse to budge on. I've put them in place from past experience and unless those pieces are there there is no hope of any true compatibility.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

bagatelle

It's not that I would prevent anyone either, but I think, everyone should work for their relationship themselves, at least a little! My own experiences are mostly from my youth, I've been together with my husband for 20 years now. We did meet via mutual friends too, but the first time we went on a date, he had the nerve to ask me out himself, albeit drunk at the time and we didn't end up staying together then. Later when we ended up dating permanently, he was the one to ask me out again, albeit the reason to his eagerness then was, that he had been recently dumped, but that's another story...

I remember a guy, whose friends initially got me interested in him, but he didn't seem to be able to continue without the help of his friends. I hadn't paid much attention to him, because he was always very silent. Those days we mostly hung out in groups and used to go to the same places at the weekends, where we would usually bump to the same people, so when I was together with this guy (and his friends) one weekend, we didn't exactly agree on the next date. Then I was unable to go out next weekend, my then good friend, who had been out with another group of friends at the time, had vamped this guy.

Well, not knowing anything about this, I appeared to the "scene" week later and expected this guy to be happy to see me again, but instead he was grumpy and showed no interest. I was puzzled and his friends later kind of accused me of not showing up and said the guy was hurt, because he thought I dumped him! So silly, thinking about it afterwards, but it hurt then. That finally made me see, what a tramp and parasite the girl was, who was supposed to be my friend. Her other friend told me later, she knew I had been with this guy.

It probably wouldn't have felt that bad, if we both didn't have sex with him... Oh, and I continued seeing this guy for a while, but only found out about my friend's part later.

__________________

jewels

My best friend and her boyfriend set me up with his brother many years ago. I did marry the guy, but he became an Ex a few years later.

Not sure what that means, but I don't see anything wrong with it. Adults are free to make their own decisions and mistakes.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

bagatelle

I knew this friend since we were 16 and her mother was pretty strict. So this girl smoked in secret from her mother, she often told her mother she is going out with me, when she infact was going out with some other group of friends her mother wouldn't have approved. I didn't know, she lied to her mother, until one Saturday morning her mother called to me, and said my friend should come home sooner, but we hadn't been together the night before.

This friend mostly used me as a companion just to get drunk and meet guys, when her other friends weren't able to accompany her. When she was actively dating someone, I wouldn't hear that much from her, but couple of times it happened that she invited me with them and there would also be a friend of his current boyfriend, who obviously thought there was some kind of attempt to hook us up, while I was unaware of these plans and didn't even know about this extra company in advance. Sometimes I encountered even hostility from these guys, because they thought we had a "deal"... Within couple of years this happened 3-4 times and her last stunt was enough to end the friendship.

I was quite offended by her "picking" guys for me like this and lying about stuff, my idea was rather be alone than date someone I didn't like to begin with. She would also hide information, if she knew I had some guy in my mind, but she had seen this guy with someone else, since we didn't always go out together in same places. She just needed me to come with her for her own benifit, so she wouldn't want to take risk of me staying home instead.

Those were the times and my social circles then, but I still kind of shiver, when people around me start talking about other people's affairs or they want me to take part in their plans of getting more involved with someone. Noo, thanks, get your own fingers burnt in matchmaking...

__________________

Tully Mars

Don't set people up. If you want to induce a couple friends, as friends, and something sparks I think that's probably fine. But to match make and set people up on dates is road best not traveled in my experience.

__________________
I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

The_Jazz

What he said. Setting folks up can make things really awkward for the couple.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Grasshopper Green

I've never seen anything good come from set-ups. I used to have a friend in college who loved setting people up; I'm not sure why, they never worked and the situation would inevitably cause general awkwardness at some point down the road. I set my sister up once (I agreed to find her a date to the prom, she was desperate to go). My friend I set her up with fell hard for her, but the feelings weren't reciprocated and there was general unpleasantness all around, especially when my sister moved to the same city and started hanging with my circle of friends.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa