No choice but to accept expensive gift?
 

There is this person, let's call him my boyfriend, who misses me and wants me to come see him. It's a transcontinental flight which I can't afford because I am between jobs. He has offered to pay for the ticket himself, which makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I have never liked people spending money on me, and he is aware of this fact. I have indicated that I don't feel comfortable with him buying me the plane ticket, but this has degenerated into a fight.

It's not that I don't want to visit him, but I would like it to be my choice of either accepting or not accepting the ticket. My choice of either going or not going to see him. Visiting him hadn't even crossed my mind, especially since he just visited Vancouver for Christmas. Now that he has put the offer on the table, I feel like I have no choice but to accept.

I have tried to explain it to him in terms that he would understand, but he is finding it very difficult to accept my reluctance. Of course I'm not helping things, because it upsets me extremely that he can't take no for an answer on this issue. Consequently I can't remain calm and rational.

This isn't the first time we have had a fight about this. Last time (six months ago) I simply gave in and very much regretted doing so. It caused me to lose out on several weeks of wages. I gave that as the reason for my reluctance, and he offered to give me money equivalent to the wages I would be losing out on. I declined.

What is the deal here? Am I freaking out for no reason?

Based on your description alone, this "boyfriend" sounds awfully controlling. Offering a flight and wages is one thing, but being upset by the refusal sounds an awful lot like a control freak to me. If you are opposed to this, recognize that you have free will and an opinion of your own, and if you ever want him to recognize that fact you will have to continue asserting it. If you give in, you've essentially conditioned him to believe he just has to keep trying and you'll eventually give in.

How about he visits you?

I hear a long distance relationship that is getting difficult to manage. Have you discussed next steps? What-ifs about where it's going? I think that is the 'elephant in the room' which should make things less stressful once resolved.

Clearly there has to be an end-point to the long-distance situation. Is he away because he works across the country? Is he at school? In the first case there needs to be a decision about what to do i.e. one of you needs to relocate or you need to decide on pursuing the relationship. In the second case, you two need to plan your visits realistically. I don't think that you are being unreasonable, and he maybe upsetting you to calm his desire to see you. With schooling there is a definite end-point and he will most likely move back after. You should plan for this and try not to spend money needlessly.

Sounds like an independence issue. You want to be able to find a job, make money, be independent, whereas (from what I see) it seems like he's offering to 'take care of you' of sorts and doesn't mind 'providing' for you.

I think if finding a job and remaining independent is important to you, it should be made clear to him. You should let him know that you really love him and care about him and all that, but being financially independent is important to you.

Like others have said, if you need to be in the area to find a job, maybe he can come visit you?

Hi Janie

I had a look at this bit of what you wrote:
The way you write it, it could have been that you regretted it for more than just the wages issue, but that that is what you gave as the reason. Please will you confirm or correct my understanding of your words so I might tailor my response appropriately.

Best wishes

Oh .. and do you have to make this 'decision' within a certain timeframe?

Daniel, he would visit, but can't due to lack of time off from work.

Leto, thanks for your advice. That makes perfect sense. I'm not too sure what you mean by "he maybe upsetting you to calm his desire to see you", however. Could you clarify?

Zenda, at the time this was going on six months ago, there was an unrelated issue going on. We were seeing other people for a while, partly because of his absence, and partly because neither of us were sure if we wanted to keep pursuing the relationship. There was a misunderstanding between us, end result of which was I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue seeing him even on a casual basis. Shortly after that took place, he offered to buy me a ticket to come visit him in Ottawa. I declined repeatedly, but in the end gave in.

...

Looking back on your perspectives on this issue, and what I've written, I think it probably is mostly that I'm not sure where I want this relationship going.

Lol I was gonna respond with "Are you sure you even want to go see him? Maybe that's the problem?" and it looks like I was on the right track. If you truly wanted to see him then you would be overjoyed at the fact that he wants to do all of this for you. I think your not wanting to accept the "gift" is really the surface of a deeper problem with the relationship.

sure. What I was getting at is that he wants to see you, but the way he is going about it is upsetting for you as you just saw each other at Christmastime. So, he wants you to fly across the country (Canada is big and expensive to fly across!) so you two can spend some time together. and from the male perspective, this typically (sorry to be cynical) but not always means sex.

Once you've had your weekend or one week and you return, the scenario is destined to repeat. This goes back to my main advice around resolving the relationship or living arrangements.

Speaking from experience, I was in a long -D relationship after I graduated from university and my girlfriend had 2 more years to go. Even though we were only a 3 hour drive apart, I took it upon myself to visit each weekend just to keep ourselves relevant. But we also looked into our long range plan and decided it was a tenable situation because we could see a resolution (i.e. we decided to get married once she graduated).

But it is your choice. He's offered to pay, you said. He's not forcing you to do anything from what I read.

"Let's call him my boyfriend" and the ambiguity tells me you're not sure if you want to this relationship. Either you need to have a long conversation with him to discuss what it is that you may be lacking in the relationship or spend some time yourself trying to figure out exactly what it is that you want from him. If you don't want to go, don't.

Is it an option to look for a job out there while you're visiting him? 'cause that would get rid of the long-distance problem... assuming that's your only hang-up. Sounds like he wants to make this work, is willing to bend over backwards to do so, and you're more interested in defining your independence. In other words, you're in different places with this relationship. Which isn't necessarily a terrible place to be, but it does make things awkward. Now, if it's an option to get out there, establish your independence, feel out the relationship when distance isn't getting in the way...

Good luck with everything. Hope you figure it out.

In regard to lost wages, did he offer to help you with expenses or did he outright offer to pay you? The latter sets off my creep alarm and makes it sounds like he's basically trying to pay you for sex, especially since there's a big difference between "let's call him my boyfriend" and "boyfriend."