Anonymous Member

(I think this goes in Tilted Life rather than sexuality. It's a sexual relationship, but not about sexual matters.)

I feel like a total weirdo posting this.

My girlfriend of almost two years and I are looking at apartments, planning to move in soon, in the next few months. I live in a small apartment, she lives with her parents.

She doesn't flush the toilet after she pees (just pees).

If she stays at my apartment, I'll go to the bathroom in the morning, and find the toilet yellow with a wad of toilet paper in it, for example. Nine times out of ten, if she's gone to the bathroom at some point before me, I'll walk in to find a wad of toilet paper in the toilet.

This happens at her parents' house too - I'll walk in and it isn't flushed. It's doubly awkward because I don't know if it's just her or her whole family is in on this habit. If it's the whole family, that's weird. And if it's just her, then she clearly has no issue with her father and brother seeing her urine in the toilet. Maybe I'm a prude, but that'd be humiliating for me.

(I can rule out inefficient flushing mechanisms and I've never, ever been faced with this until I met her.)

I'm going to be honest with you, TFP: I'm no prude, I understand bodily processes, but this just grosses me out.

I've asked her (awkwardly) once before why she doesn't flush the toilet and she went red and told me it was because the water pipes were loud in her childhood home and woke up the whole house. That's fine, but that was many years and two houses ago. I asked her if it was a water saving or environmentally conscious thing ('if it's yellow, let it mellow'), and she said it was just the noisy water pipes. But clearly that's habit now, rather than reality.

How do I address this? I can't really claim it's unsanitary (it's a toilet after all). I don't want to nag her or bring up toilet habits with a grown woman.

I don't want to sound like a prude.

But I just don't feel like this should be happening with an adult woman.

Any advice on how I can approach this again?

genuinegirly

My husband grew up in a "yellow let it mellow" household where males outnumbered females 6:1. He nearly always leaves the toilet seat up, has no problem peeing on top of anyone's urine, and invariably forgets to close the door when he's peeing. I'm pretty sure he also wouldn't have any problems peeing at the same time as any of his siblings, but I haven't witnessed that one...

I lived with his family for 6 months after we married, and was horrified at the process at first. Then I started to see the genius behind adapting their habits to deal with their big family. Things that I would normally consider private are public and open... While I understand their methods, I wasn't about to adopt them. I simply developed habits to work around my discomfort.

I've explained the bathroom etiquette in my home growing up, detailing how we differ. He understands and tries to change. Reality is: He won't change. His habits are not necessarily wrong (nor are mine). They are simply different. He does his best to remember to close the door, to put the seat down, to flush... but honestly his habits are ingrained. He remembers when we have company, and that's all I can really hope for. I do my best to make a joke out of these things, I've gotten beyond the frustration.

You can, too.
If this is a deal-breaker, she must not be a fantastic woman.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

dlish

your best bet...

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

mixedmedia

I have a live and let live attitude towards little idiosyncrasies like this. If it were me, I would just flush toilet (if I felt I needed to) and move on without giving it a second thought.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

jewels

If if bothers you, voice it clearly. Don't assume she knows it's a big deal for you. Talk it out and see if one of you is willing to change their habits. Either you must be willing to let it fly, or she must be willing to break her habit.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Manic_Skafe

Absolutely.

Life is ridiculous enough as it is, paring yourself up with another and exposing yourself to their infinitely interesting yet annoyingly meaningless little gestures doesn't make it any easier. It's only natural to be annoyed but if you can navigate these things with a certain level of amusement you can come to find their annoying little freakouts as incredibly endearing.

Anon, just let it mellow. Those idiosyncrasies are always a large part of what I've come to miss the most after a breakup and that ultimately makes obvious to me one of my own idiosyncratic gestures that I'd have never been able to see were it not for another.

Naturally it'll piss you off but just go with the flow.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Jackebear

You need to install a dual flush toilet. Usually it's still one handle or button with a smaller one inside that you can push or flip. The main one is for number 2 and the little one, for number 1, adds a little water to make the "yellow" disappear.

They have had them in Asia for years and years and are now making an appearance here.

It only makes a litte noise when adding some water and not the large, household waking, gallons of water wasting noise from regular flushing.

Other than that, relax...it's not like she's leaving a "coiler" for you to admire every morning...haha. No, seriously, it's not a big deal.

__________________
Life's jounney is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out shouting, "Holy sh*t! What a ride!" - unknown

Ananas

So far the advice is for Anon to make the adjustment, compromise or go with the flow (pardon the pun). If it's a serious relationship --and it sounds like it is--then both need to work out some sort of solution. If she moves in with him, then her original reason for not flushing after a pee is no longer valid, so she will have to work on remembering to flush the toilet after going to the bathroom for any bodily movement. And to make it cool and not seem as though you're nitpicking, ask her if there's anything (other than the flushing issue) about you that kind of peeves her, and make an honest effort to amend it. Being passive/aggressive about it is only going to make the resentment percolate -- clear the air now.

__________________
it's gritty

dlish

if it your house and your rules, i seriously dont see why you cant tell her to flush the toilet.

id seriously contemplate putting a sign up if all else fails

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Grancey

So if people keep peeing in the toilet and not flushing, at one point does someone decide it needs to be flushed? When it's full?
She's lazy. Tell her to flush the damn toilet.

__________________
Quiet, mild-mannered souls might just turn out to be roaring lions of two-fisted cool.

uncle phil

you might want to seriously reconsider this relationship...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

levite

I think I have to side with the "let it go" school of thought. As long as she's not leaving floaters, or used tampons in there for you to find, but keeps it to pee...just let it go. But anything solid, you've got a case for getting up in her face about changing her habits.

That's my thought.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Ourcrazymodern?

Does anything you do or don't, that you know of, annoy her? You could offer to trade quirks in the interest of amity.
If you want to remain with her without resentment, get over it.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Lindy

I grew up in a fairly large family on a farm that was not hooked up to city sewer lines. We had a septic tank which had a limited capacity, especially in the winter. We had to be careful about how much liquid went into the septic system. This could also be about conservation of water.
The convention at our house was "If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down." Dad even posted little signs to that effect. We also learned as kids to brush our teeth with about eight ounces of water in a cup, instead of running five gallons down the lavatory drain.
Not necessarily lazy at all, especially if it is a conscious decision. Anyone not mentally lazy should be able to get past the initial "yuck factor" which is all this is, really, and understand that. There is nothing unsanitary or dangerous about a few ounces of pee left in the toilet bowl for a few hours. If you want to do something easy that's "green" this is a no-brainer. Huge amounts of treated water are wasted to further dilute small amounts of pee.
People grow up in varied family cultures. Think of this as a little bit of free "diversity training."

Lindy

Cimarron29414

"Meet the Fockers" vote here.

Flushing pee wastes half a gallon of water. That's like 180 gallons worth of money flushed down the toilet per month - literally.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Xerxys

Just what the fuck are you trying to do Manic?

And BTW, Anon, whoever you are, I LOVE you for this ... As for the OP, OMG That has to be THE most unpleasant experience. My advice would be to retrain her and ensure that it sticks by use of a cattle prod. But that's just me though.

purplelirpa

Here's my issue with urine in the bowl that isn't mine:

When I poop, there's some splashback on my nether regions. I don't want someone else's urine up in thar.

Jinn

Seriously? This is an issue?

Imagine taking a leak in the yard and then dumping gallons of water on it just to make it go away. Seems like a phenomenal waste of water. I suppose if you're content flushing away dollars and gallons of freshwater for a little urea, that's your own game. But 'if it's yellow, let it mellow' is pretty standard fare around these parts. Not very 'Merican I guess. Even flushing every second pee as a conscious decision is more responsible than this pathological fear or essentially purified water; especially if it comes from the same vagina you'll gladly rub your sensitive bits allll over.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

snowy

Jinn, I'm glad to see your post--your reaction was much the same as mine.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

mixedmedia

What's more, going off of Manic's post, I think it's a worthwhile exercise to stop trying to 'correct' the annoying little habits of the people we live with and just live with them. Providing they are harmless idiosyncrasies, of course. Aren't relationships difficult enough?

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Cynthetiq

exactly, that's the secret to most relationships.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

robot_parade

Two ideas:

o Put a sign on the inside of the bathroom door.
o I don't think they're as popular anymore, but there are those 'cleaning' products that turn the water blue, or whatnot. Maybe one of those in the tank will help with the color and the smell.

Wes Mantooth

When I was younger and trying to make a go with a band we all moved into an old hunting cabin for the winter. Sure it had its advantages, it was free and we could practice as long and loud as we wanted but it had no heat, no running water...and a besides and old outhouse in the woods that was falling over we had to deal with a composting toilet. It had a crank on the back that you had to turn every time you used it and I think it was supposed to be emptied every month or so, we were lazy musicians and nobody did either. Needless to say by the end of that winter it had, for lack of a better term, began to mound.

A little bit of piss left behind in a clean, white porcelain toilet by my gf will never EVER bother me after that.

Anyway the cliched advice in any relationship is to compromise, if this really bothers you have a talk about it and find out who is more put out by her not flushing. You for having to look at it or her for having to flush and try to work out something that suits the two of you best. Personally I agree with others here, its such a small issue I'd just flush it myself (if it bothered me) and forget about it. It sounds like she was a little put out by you bringing it up so why bother antagonizing her over it unless it REALLY troubles you? There are so many problems you have to face in any relationship, in my opinion sometimes you just have to shrug off the little things and accept them if you ever want to be happy.

__________________

Cimarron29414

So true! Anon, if the worst thing your gal does is not flush her pee, count your blessings.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

dlish

my trick to counter the splashback?

Put some toilet paper in the water before you pass motion.

Tada! no more splashback!

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Cimarron29414

Me too. Admittedly, this is more than I wanted you guys to know about me.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

StanT

There's at least 10 million things in a relationship that might annoy you and 2-3 that you really have any chance of changing. I'm not sure this is where I'd make a stand.

I might use it as a tradeoff when she brings up one of your annoying habits; but honestly, I'd just flush and move on

ASU2003

Find someplace with two bathrooms. That is what I would do.

Or install one of these: Wholesale waterfree urinal,toilet urinal,energy saving urinal

(and yes girls can use them)

Suzz04

growing up we didn't have access to city water/sewer. we had well water, so it was a matter of conserving water. toilet paper went in a small lined trash can. even after my age now and having city water/sewer access i still do this. so does everyone else in the house. the only thing i ask of the s/o is that if he "misses" or dribbles .... clean it up or i will rip him a new one.

flushing is mandatory on everything else. however, no tampons in there, that's what the lined trash can is for. i have no desire to have my landlord come complaining at me that the lines going out were clogged by them. that's just a embarrassment waiting to happen for me.

everyone has their reasons, quirks, oddities, etc ... find out why she does, then try to work it through. don't leave it unanswered and causing you to be raging on the inside that you explode

__________________
Quantum Cat Theory:
Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened,
it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

Shadowex3

How good are you with ?

__________________

tasineah

I am amazed you didnt just ask her to flush the toilet. What do you guys talk about in regard to your relationship? Have you talked about your relationship? Have you worked out details? Or is this a move based solely on emotion and a wing and a prayer?

Sit down and go over this and a hundred other things so you both are on the same page...

relationships take more communication than they do sex....remember that...

AquaFox

tell her it grosses you out... hint it a few times more if you need to but don't go too into it. past that, just flush prior to peeing and flush again when you are done. if she hears it, she might get the point....


my family doesn't flush during the night as not to wake anyone up... however I found that really gross. When I wake up before them, I'm certain to flush right as I enter, before closing the door.. then proceed to go and flush again in hopes that perhaps someday that noisy double flushing will make a point.

__________________


...AquaFox...

spindles

I have little boys - who love to have 'wee fights'. Our house has a pretty open door policy, except when we have visitors so this happens quite a bit. The boy's mother rolls her eyes but hasn't told us to stop it

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

jadangel

I think you should just talk to her about this.....I wouldn't think this would be a deal breaker. If this is her worst bad habit then your lucky. Most people deal with far worse on a daily basis.

Personally I tend to always flush when my bf is around, if he is at work I tend to be more lax and wait a couple times before I do......Sometimes he forgets to flush and its no biggie to me, just as long as he doesn't leave any floaters for me to find.....lol......that might force me to leave one for him to find as payback....haha

boink

it saves water, it's ok, talk to her about it and see why she does it. maybe it's all about conserving water. I mean I personally don't do it, my water is on my landlords ticket.

now, I work with a Mexican dude who wipes his ass and puts the shitty TP in the TRASH CAN !!! cause in Mexico, apparently they don't have enough water pressure to suck down the wads of poopy TP. nobody wants to have the talk with him about TP in the U.S.

__________________
when you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain't the way.

Xerxys

You people simply do not listen, do you?



It works.

clavus

What I did:

When you discover the unflushed mess, yell loudly across the apartment, "Hey are you done with this?" or "Are you saving this for something?"

Eventually my girlfriend started flushing. Something about "the neighbors can hear you..."

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

ssg

Does she wash her hands or skip that too?

Shadowex3

Speaking from the male side of this: Seriously? My penis is probably the cleanest thing in the bathroom. Also she puts it in. her. mouth. I don't think my touching it now and again is going to kill me.

__________________

jadangel

I don't see anything wrong with putting shitty tp in the trash can....We have a septic tank and we put all tp in the trash can out of necessity. If you have ever had a septic tank back up, then you will know what I am talking about. Tp is biodegradable but that doesn't happen overnight...
Now if you live in the city then you are connected to the city sewer, so you have nothing to worry about, but in the country we have septic tanks & you NEVER want one to back up on you....