Anonymous Member

I'd like to kindly request that the responses here remain limited to men, in lieu of an actual "Men's Lounge." There is no way for me to enforce this, but it is an issue I'd like to see responded to in a pro-male way without bashing women, but also without female 'response' to a question they really can't understand (ala male comments on PMS).

Likewise, as it's a somewhat personal issue I'm opting to post this anonymously.

--

So, men - where do you draw the line between simple "she's in a bad mood" or even "she's just bossy" from your significant other? I'm to the point where I'm honestly considering whether my girlfriend will ever treat me respectfully on a long-term basis.

I'm talking about dirty looks at my mere existence, the 'impatient' look if I happen to interrupt her shows with a story or a question, the ever-present "YOU ALWAYS X" where X is something I've just done, and she believes I always do (like not throwing away a food wrapper). She doesn't like me going out without her, but doesn't ever explicitly state her feelings. I feel like she manipulates me with passive aggressive sadness and anger, and I always fall for it.

I haven't had many partners and I've not been married, so I wonder how many of you consider this just part of being with someone for a long time, the very reason for the "nagging woman" stereotype and associated jokes about men who are "whipped" or have to ask their "Boss" permission. We've been dating more than 4 years. After I've brought it up before she's done well in being kind and letting me do things without her 'permission' and not being rude to me at bedtime or other times but she invariably returns to habits I think she learned from her mother (who divorced after pushing her father down the stairs, multiple times).

Is this something you eventually see in women, or is it really possible to be married to someone for 5, 10, 20 years without having a nagging presence?

Anonymous Member

Anonymous Member

Note: I mistook Edit for Reply, so the second post is really only an addition of the final paragraph, sorry for the duplicate.

Anonymous Member

Also although it's kind of unrelated it is kinda related - we haven't had sex in over a year. It feels like my advances are always rebuffed as not 'romantic' enough or 'too grabby' but she doesn't seem to be interested at any time, even if I do all of the typically (and non-typically) romantic things. I understand not wanting to feel violated, but I feel like she's maybe just not attracted or it's a carry-over of her general attitude towards me.

levite

Listen, brother, don't take this the wrong way but...I'm not sure this relationship is salvageable. If you're feeling constantly scrutinized, nagged, and judged, to the point where you are unsure if it's mental or verbal abuse, and you haven't had sex in a year, this relationship is profoundly unhealthy.

My initial instinctive response is to advise that you get out of the relationship and find a healthier partner, with whom you have better communication and chemistry.

But I can also understand if you feel you have enough invested here that just up and getting out is not an option. If that's the case, my advice to you is to speak with her directly about this. Tell her you're not trying to fight, you're trying to communicate productively, and she needs to dialogue with you if the relationship is going to survive. I also deeply, deeply recommend couples counseling if you want to try and save this relationship. You guys clearly are not communicating, and from the sound of things, you need a safe space, with a safe facilitator, to learn how to communicate better and productively.

Frankly, individual therapy for yourself might not be unhelpful, too (if you're not already getting some). There's no shame in it: I've done it, almost everyone I know has done it, and I would wager a fair number of folks right here on TFP have done it. Therapy helps you help yourself, by giving you strength to confront your past, your present, and your options for how you want to live in the future.

My advice is, whether you try to save the relationship or not, work on you, because you deserve self-care.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Baraka_Guru

Is she taking far more than she is giving?

One of the most shattering aspects of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is finding yourself with no sense of self. Emotional abuse robs you of self-esteem and -worth. I've found that its primary weapon is guilt.

What are her good qualities? What about her makes you feel good?

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Punk.of.Ages

You're caught in a vicious circle, dude. The problem is that you seem to be a very passive person whereas she's a very aggressive person. Seems to me, the only way to fix this relationship is for you to stand up to her and tell her what needs to change and why. You clearly lack the self-esteem and confidence to do so, though. With her constantly berating you and making you feel inferior (not to mention the fact she won't sleep with you, which brings on a whole 'nother truckload of insecurities), these self-esteem/trust issues you have aren't going to get any better.

I'd say try to find a way to build your self-esteem (such as the therapy route mentioned eIarlier) so that you can find the confidence to stand up to her, but, based on my, admittedly, limited view of this situation, I'd wager that, if you did take a more assertive role in the relationship, she'd lose interest anyway. Kind of seems that she wants all the control in the relationship and wouldn't be willing to compromise that.

So, my honest advice is to cut your losses, take some time to yourself, figure out what you really want, and learn how to assertively pursue what you do want. Once you feel you have the confidence to ensure your own happiness and the happiness of another, go find yourself a girl that has what you want and is willing to share it with you without breaking you down as a person.
_________

Advice aside, I would like to also give you a direct response to your post...

I don't think any relationship should involve constant nagging, berating, or lack of respect for one another. Furthermore, I would never pursue a relationship with a woman who made me ask for permission to go live my life.

The reason I get involved in relationships is because I enjoy that persons company and would like to share my life with them. Share's really the key word there. I don't want anybody to take control of my life.

Relationships require compromise to work, and if one person is taking more than they're giving, things become very one-sided. The only reasons a person who ends up on the wrong side of that relationship stays, is because of fear or content. Neither of these are good reasons to pursue a relationship...

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Wes Mantooth

Personally I draw the line when the bad attitude begins to surpass what I would consider acceptable behavior. We all have bad days, snap at people, walk around in a foul mood and that's okay but when that becomes the norm, its unacceptable and I refuse to put up with it. If that means the relationship has hit the end of the line and its time to go our separate ways then so be it, nobody should have to put up with that garbage just to maintain a relationship. You deserve just as much respect as you give her and if she can't reciprocate then there is a big problem...would you let anybody else treat you the way she's treating you right now?

Maybe the problem here is you don't confront her enough? If you just apologize because its too much of a headache to deal with (God, do I know how that feels) you're simply allowing her to continue because there aren't any consequences to her behavior (he'll just deal with it like always). Have it out and see where you stand, either she'll realize her behavior is completely unacceptable and make a real attempt at changing how she treats you or you find out that she can't deal with an assertive boyfriend and hits the bricks...either way it has to be better then what your putting up with now.

__________________

cj2112

It is my opinion that love cannot exist without trust, respect, and admiration. Remove any one of those 3 and love ceases to exist. I also believe that love is a verb. It requires action. If she treats you this way, is she loving you? Does she ever love you? Is this the relationship you want to be in? Is it the relationship you want to be in 5 years from now? If not are the two of you willing to put forth the effort to make it the relationship you want to be in?

I don't have the answers to those questions, but you do.

Slims

The lack of sex alone is worth a breakup...time for both of you to move into different, more satisfying relationships.

Regardless of whether she really treats you badly (and it sounds like she does) you are not happy with her and have not been for quite some time....You should move on.

The verbal abuse thing is strange to me...If you like being a glutton for punishment then fine. If not, that's a third, perfectly sufficient reason for kicking her to the curb.


Get out of the relationship, go to bars, flirt with women who aren't cunts, take judo lessons and take back your testicles.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

MSD

I'll say the same to you that I do to women in abusive relationships: it's not love, it's Stockholm Syndrome. Get out now and don't waste another day living with her bullshit when you could be on the way to looking back and wondering how you put up with it so long.

fresnelly

Man, you sound miserable. End the relationship.

What, are you going to marry her and spend the rest of your lives together like this? Have kids and make it all better?

End it.

If my my wife is being snappish, I probably deserve it. I don't mean that in a deluded abuse victim way, I mean that I probably forgot an appointment or she's exhausted and I'm not helping enough with the kids or something. Otherwise she's golden. I certainly don't feel oppressed. Cause and effect baby!

__________________
Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

SirLance

Isn't the point of dating to find out who you are not compatible with? Seriously, would you contemplate growing old with this person? Get the hell out!

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

kramus

I rode that horse for more years than I want to remember. It's a distant memory now.

You can make a whole new life that is wonderful and full of real possibility. All it takes is making it happen, and it won't happen with your current situation.

I would take Levite's advice about getting some one-on-one with an individual therapist. Just do it when you are single and looking to put your new life together.

My 2 cents.

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

Martian

If you haven't had sex in over a year, she's not your girlfriend.

Also:

Abuse is bad, regardless of the context. She's treating you more like a possession than a partner and there's no reason why you should have to endure that.

Walk away, brother. There's nothing for you here. Maybe there was once upon a time, but if so that ship left port ages ago.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Fotzlid

Have I been posting in my sleep?
Wait...4 years...nope, not me. I've been living with something very similar for 15 years now.

Run

Quickly

It will not get better

The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to extract yourself.

KirStang

Reminds me of my first (and very bad) relationship. Imbalance of power, you're fearful of asserting yourself, and her lack of respect for you. Top that off with no sex for one year (seriously?), and I'd say you really owe it to yourself to see if there's better out there.

Let her go. It'll hurt for a while but there'll be better. Don't forget to assert yourself in your next relationship, too.

Plan9

Aww, that's nothing. She's probably just on the birth control pill. It made all my former partners into raving emotional kamikazes.

/zinger

...

Let's turn this around to find the problem:

If you're such a pain in the ass, why does she keep you around? Think about it. What does she get out of this relationship? What are you doing to enable this? Is she leeching off your financially? Are you just really good at playing doormat to her Godzilla complex? If she's not having sex with you, is she banging someone else? Could it be that she's just a miserable sack of shit that had a bad childhood and thinks its okay to relive it on you?

...

Time to pick up your nuts, sparky.

Stop being her bitch. Relationships shouldn't be about dominance (outside the bedroom).

Figure out a way to quietly extract yourself from the living area, move your stuff, etc.

Once you've got your own place and all your stuff, cut all contact immediately.

After you're done licking your psychological wounds, get on a dating site and find a woman instead of a troll.

If you have friends / good coworkers, I'd recommend enlisting them to help you with this process.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Wes Mantooth

The funny thing is that sometimes people just stick around long past the shelf life of a relationship because its just easier. I've done it before, I get comfortable and having to go through all the trouble of explaining shit and moving just isn't worth the time or energy, you've got a good thing going. The problem is you can't have your cake and eat it too, I didn't want to cheat but at the same time the thought of spending even another second with her made me want to vomit, eventually it ends but there is a transition where you just kind of resent having her around (I've never treated anybody like what the OP describes though...usually I just find any excuse I can to not come home). I wonder if some of that isn't going on here?

Maybe she's ready to move on but for what ever reason is just riding it out and taking her growing frustration with her life out on you. Has she always been like this or was it a slow build from fun, happy girlfriend to a hissing, spitting she demon?

Anyway I don't really know, just throwing it out there.

__________________

Martian

One of our female members has asked me to contribute this on her behalf:

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

The_Jazz

Mr. Anonymous, why are you still in this relationship? What benefit do YOU get out of it? Not having to eat alone isn't an excuse. Really, you've got a roommate, albeit one that you used to sleep with, who's decided that you're a pain in the ass. One of you needs to move out.

What's she going to do when you start dating people that make you happy - something she's clearly incapable of doing. Get out. Get out now. Find someone who's better. It shouldn't be that hard.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Anonymous Member

I suppose this is largely the response I expected - I reason that it'd be rather difficult for a rational person to conclude anything else based on my description of her and I, and were I also a third party I know I'd similarly conclude that the relationship was toxic. To add some more to round out the picture from my perspective --

Coming back to read these responses this morning I felt defensive - like how dare you speak so rudely about someone I love. I mean I do, I really do. Even if it did get to the point of breaking it off with her, the hardest part would be seeing her face. I don't want to bring her any pain, and she really is a sweet girl who doesn't *want* to upset people.

Last night was a complete reversal of the behavior I've described here.. she was excessively nice, grateful for me buying dinner, and we sat and watched TV and even held hands. It's this type of almost bipolar switch that has me constantly questioning whether it's really mental/verbal abuse or just me overreacting to her understandable frustrations. That's why I was curious especially for other experiences, how often being moody/upset is experienced by other men from their wives/girlfriends. How much is acceptable, and how much is too much? I have no good way of deciding where that line is.. especially because of my past and my nature as a "person pleaser / don't make waves" kind of person.

I feel almost foolish reading through my description above because with the kindness fresh in mind it seems overly harsh, and if she were to read it she'd almost certainly burst into tears at reading it.

I really appreciate the people who gave me their personal experience. I'm a very analytical person and I thoroughly understand my situation, but what I don't have is a way to compare it to what is truly 'normal' out there - my sample size is rather limited.

As such, is not having sex for a year really that abnormal? I think if this were the only issue I brought up, some TFP posters might be willing to defend it as some sort of hormonal difference or something I wasn't doing for her. I thought when people were married their most common complaint is that they rarely had sex - or are those just ancedotes for comic relief? We're essentially married in my mind; neither of us is particularly keen on the legal concept of marriage and we have considerable shared assets and shared habitation for most of the relationship. We'd certainly qualify as common-law married in the eyes of our friends.

Sex has never been very prominent in our relationship - at the beginning I was a essentially a virgin (I'd been with other girls, but sex had ended in mishaps, really) and so I had performance anxiety issues, I think. She was really pushy about it when we first dated but I always felt pressured and always failed to perform. We've probably only had sex two or three dozen times in the time we've been together.

I think she sort of gave up at some point and now doesn't want to do it. Last year in October (hence a year) when we did sort of fool around she was upset that we didn't have sex and I just pleased her because she wanted me to 'be pleased' but I felt so pressured again and so nothing was really happening down there. Again, I also cannot rule out an attraction issue; her to me, or me to her. I don't have a huge pool to draw from but I do feel some sort of attraction.. not the same as I have to other women I've seen but still I do. I think she finds me attractive, if her what she has said about it actually reflects her inner experience.

It is further complicated by the situation; we've just moved and she is unemployed, so I'd put her in an awfully tough spot if she had to move out. I don't think she really could. She also owes me a couple grand for various expenses throughout the relationship, including costs of the move and other non-shared things. We've been in this situation a few times before in our relationship - not really her fault, but she's always made half (or less) than I do, and has been laid off a few times. I'm sure the money imbalance contributes to her and my feelings.

We share a lot in common, both enjoy video games, both enjoy similar movies. We have similar political beliefs and essentially identical religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and a generally similar identical outlook on life. I'm a shy extrovert and she's an introvert, so that is a continual strain. I want to go out and meet people, and do things - but as a shy extrovert I find it hard to do it alone. As an introvert, she doesn't want to go at all, so I rarely do go alone. If I do go alone I feel like she's upset (whether she really is or not) that I've left her home alone.

Would those of you who indicated that I should evacuate, posthaste, still advise so given the additional context above?

Anonymous Member

P.S. On a more sappy note, I really appreciate the people who have responded thus far. What I was looking for was a kind of rant-and-response "is this normal" like you'd have at a bar with your (civil) buddies over some drinks. No women to take overt offense where none was intended, no unnecessary bashing of ladies themselves, and some good advice.

I'd love to do it with people in person but I don't have any of the aforementioned after my move and I need them more now than ever. Some of the names in this thread I'd call TFP friends outside of this situation if they knew my screen name.

I understand those of you urging therapy, and really, I don't have a stigma about it. It just feels like you're paying someone to "be your friend" and listen. As long as you're not being a burden on people constantly whining, I've always found semi-interested friends and acquaintances to be better at giving advice than paid professionals.. especially since I don't have a problem opening my book of life for (most) to see.

Baraka_Guru

It comes down to the net effect of the relationship. It's difficult to take any one aspect and ask yourself, "Is this too much?" If you are, overall, miserable and you don't see the relationship as salvageable, then you should end it.

One measure I've read is that having sex less than once per month is considered a "sexless relationship." Healthier relationships will average out to sex at least once every couple of weeks, but often more frequently. If you've gone a year, something is wrong.

The worst thing I ever did was not end a relationship for fear of hurting the other person. Staying in a bad relationship will do far more harm than ending one. The damage can be long-lasting. Do yourself a favour: End it as humanely as you think is bearable, but end it.

You are capable of finding a far better relationship. This isn't working out. Don't let the good stuff fool you if you are miserable overall.

For example, why are you posting here about it? You know something isn't right.

Don't expect people to change. You can only reasonably change yourself. I think you should focus on that.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Punk.of.Ages

You're content...

So she came home last night and had the urge to be nice for once. The problem is that behavior is out of the normal for her, whereas, in a healthy relationship, things would be the other way around.

It sounds like you have no idea what you're missing out on. I've seen it before in friends: Your first love that happened to work out for a long time, but, as most first loves do, things changed and it's not a very healthy relationship anymore. You don't know any better or have anything to compare to, so you just put up with it as if it were normal and sit back contently because, at least, you're not lonely...

There's better out there. There's true happiness. Don't let fear hold you back...

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

KirStang

Relationships involving domestic violence often go through a cycle, from reconciliation, to calm, to build up, to violence (and then the cycle restarts again). Now I'm not saying what's going on with you equates to domestic violence, but I could not help but think about the cycle when you brought up last night's attitude reversal. Worth considering.

Tirian

Sounds like maybe related topic addressed in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Dr. Robert Glover
nomoremrniceguy.com has a discussion forum as well. You may want to visit/read/post.

Look for "setting boundaries".

Slims

It's been more than 24 hours and you still haven't broken up with her....What's the problem?

Nut up.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

Eddie38

No pussy is worth all that crap. Kick her to the curb and move on.

Martian

That cycle is common to all forms of abuse. This sounds like a textbook case, and I'm not the only one to say so.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

kramus

Have a gentleman's agreement about owed money, but be willing to kiss it goodbye. Don't let someone else's money problems strangle your life.

You will find that it is the hardest thing to do something deliberately that you know will upset the female you co-habit with. Get used to it. Eventually you will find that you can do things that please you or that are important to you without running them through the BS factory known as "what about her?". I mean really, it seems like there is more habit than love here. More momentum than true caring. In a true relationship this games stuff just doesn't exist. Really. It is juvenile BS that you ought to let go. Your life is passing by. Trust me in this. I was where you are for a long time, 4 kids, shared house and family and the whole 9 yards. But the toxic crap poisons everything.

Change course, man. Let it go.

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

freeload

Same here. I have the world most wonderful wife (of the wives I've tried ) but on the rare occasion she's in a bad mood it's completely logical.

I am also a "person pleaser / don't make waves" person - but opposite to your situation she encourages me to be clear, to speak of my desires, stand up, be in charge - find myself. (She's fertilizing my growing nuts...)

A quick reality check is to ask yourself this question: When not considering my roles in society - who am I?

When I removed my roles as husband, father, employee, son , grandchild and such I realized I had no answer. My roles defined me but I didn't know who I was. Finding back "me" has been a long journey.

Therapy is not "paying someone to be friendly". A therapist will listen, analyze and identify patterns that you would benefit from breaking. It can be tough and hurtful - but you are carrying a lot of baggage from growing up with an alcoholic dad. You're even aware of some of your "not ideal" patterns of thought/action.

No matter what you do with your relationship - go see a therapist. If it doesn't feel "right" then try a different therapist. There are a lot of "styles" and persons. Not everyone is a perfect match.

If you want to continue this relationship also seek couples counseling. We realized our relationship where heading in a direction we didn't desire and went to counseling before it went haywire. That's one of our best decisions!

We've been going every 6 weeks for two years now, and it's helped us change habits, share the workload and support each other even better than before. Having a neutral third-party present makes it easier to talk and listen. It's a "safe haven" for discussing what's going on in your life.
It was painful and a bit embarrassing the first time we went, but now we refer to it as a date - a time just for us. (Having multiple kids makes us appreciate being able to speak in complete sentences without interruption)

__________________
The future ain't what it used to be.

Plan9

Therapy? Sheeit, dude needs to get laid. I recommend finding a good martial arts school and starting up training, too. You'll get more assertive.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

freeload

I'm not disagreeing with you Plan - but all the previous posts about kicking her out, taking up judo and screw around didn't do anything for him.
I just added my view on a different solution suggested by me and others.

In the end it still boils down to: Gain confidence, be assertive and do something about the relationship.

__________________
The future ain't what it used to be.

Plan9

Well, bro... you can't save 'em all. All the advice in the world doesn't weigh more than an ounce of motivation.

You've been at TFP long enough to see that, I reckon. Sometimes people just don't want to get better.

...

A: "Man, these cigarettes are killing me."

B: "So why don't you stop?"

*awkward silence*

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

freeload

Fuck*.... I do agree with you...even though I would like to save them all I do realize that there is a first step that needs to be taken by him no matter how much advice we give. I just hope the step isn't "I'm sorry dear, you're right..".

*The "fuck..." was a sigh of resignation and realization...

__________________
The future ain't what it used to be.

Plan9

If the guy just wanted to vent, that's / for the thread. Sometimes people just wanna bitch and moan about their situation but refuse to change it. They're content to be in shit, like pigs wallowing in filth. If the guy was on the edge of action and ready to jump but needed some personalized encouragement? Well, hopefully "we" provided enough to get him to do it. Either way, this forum--and the Web as a whole--is chock full of the same kinda advice on the same kinda topic. Sometimes people just wanna feel heard and get some validation. As a personal example, there was nothing new 'n amazing about my first few posts here. Oh, no... whiny heartbroken military guy lost his whole world to a cheating spouse. Boo-frickin'-hoo. But I said it, listened to the people here who told me to get my head out of my ass and moved on. Healing takes time, the decision to heal takes a nanosecond.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cimarron29414

If you were married to her, I would give you different advice. As she is only your girlfriend, I say get out....now. For whatever reason, the chemistry between the two of you doesn't work and the water under the bridge will make it never work.

Her aggressive nature coupled with your anxiety surrounding sex makes your dick limp. She resents your "broke dick" and takes it out on you by being mean. She doesn't want to have sex anymore because she's tired of being disappointed at the end results. She's stuck with you because of her financial situation and is even more resentful of the situation.

Step 1) Forgive her debt to you. The money is gone anyway and the debt forbids the two of you to make sound relationship decisions. Frankly, I think if you forgive the debt, she's going to break up with you and move out.

Step 2) Break up immediately, and do whatever you want because she is only a roommate. She will hold no sway over you. If she doesn't like the candy wrapper on the coffee table, she can get a job and go live by herself. The golden rule says you can leave a candy wrapper in YOUR apartment anywhere you want.

Step 3) As soon as the lease allows you, find separate living spaces.

In the mean time, go out whenever you want and go meet someone with whom you have better chemistry.

P.S. Based on your posts, I don't honestly think you will leave. I think you will stay with this girl for another 5 to 10 years. That sort of saddens me, but your tone implies you are going to stay in this until the bitter, bitter end.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Plan9

Also an option:

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Slims

You beat Walt to that one....He's been waiting to use that cartoon for a while now.


Oh, and Anon: At least have the gumption to defend your decision on this thread. You seem easily pushed around and passive....Either break up with her or justify why you have not.

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"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence