Illini

Have a couple friends who are involved with them. Do they really work though? I have a chance now with someone 1000 miles away but would love to give this a shot. Both of us single, no kids, 40's.

Please share stories, both good and bad on this.

Shauk

I don't do them.

The reality of the situation is that there are people suitable for your companionship right out your front door if you'd put in the effort to meet them.

Beyond that, I wont use the term "relationship" with anyone I haven't met, much less shared a meal or activity with. You have to appreciate a person at their worst, at their lowest, to really know if that attraction is real, or if it's just some manufactured hand picked series of pictures that they've chosen to share with the world.

LoganSnake

I don't do them. I need physical contact and face time to stay emotionally attached to a person. I couldn't do it. They don't work for me.

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Wes Mantooth

I've done them before and they can work, the key is not falling to hard until you follow through on plans to get together. Its easier if the distance isn't too great and you can get together fairly easily...but I guess maybe that doesn't count as a long distance relationship anyway. The problem with most long distance relationship is neither person has any intention of uprooting their lives and in turn the relationship ends up playing out on the phone or Internet, being more of an infatuation then a budding relationship or a chance to fall in love. In that case no they don't work, you never develop any physical bond and eventually somebody gets bored or fed up and moves on.

__________________

SSJTWIZTA

mine worked. we had to travel a lot to be together, but the moments where we were together were nothing short of magical.

she's the best thing thats ever happened to me. we connect on so many different levels. we listen to different music and shes a vegan, but we click. we just get each other.

the best part about it was that we really got to know each other before we came face to face. no superficial B.S.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

Charlatan

I've been in a couple of long distance relationships and I can say, after 22 years, that yes it can work.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Illini

At this stage right now. How far were you apart from each other? I would have no problems moving.

SSJTWIZTA

i lived in central florida (now live in south georgia), she lives in central indiana. quite far.

im about to make the move myself. i should have made the move a long time ago, but i waited and money became tight.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

Illini

Nice, good luck.

dippin

Long distance relationships can work, but they are immensely easier to have when you actually have a plan or at least an idea of when you will be together definitively.

Illini

Totally agree with this.

settie

-its easier if you're an optimist
-its easier if you can both make constant plans (trips, visits, vacations, phone call arrangements, other contact sources, etc)
-its easier if you've gotten to know them well, AND TRUST THEM
-its easier if you have money to throw around for travel and phone bills, etc.
-its easier if you use logic/common sense to keep emotions under control. (For example, its can be tough to note a tone in what someone types up on the internet, or in a letter/email. It is equally tough to note the tone in a long distance relationship, even phone calls cause difficulty. body language lacking and all... for extended periods of time...toughie)

I'm giving a perspective based off of personal experiences. I've had two long distance relationships so far, both failed miserably. Lies and whatnot. Gotta love those lies!
And as you can see, I'm still highly cynical from the more recent breakup (2 weeks ago, heh)
One lasted about 3 months, the other lasted over 3 years, possibly longer (we didn't really keep track)

Its a good life experience I suppose, then again, all social interactions are aren't they.

Thus, based off of my life thus far, NO, LD relationships do not work.

But hey, give it a shot. There's lots of success stories out there, and lots on TFP itself. Take the opportunity, or it could turn into a regret.

Plan9

I vote against long distance. There are too many viable partners within any given city.

Manic_Skafe

Yup yup.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

cheese

if you can avoid it.. do. but they can "work" meaning if you work hard on em you can make it last untill you can be together.

my marriage has been abotu 80% long distance from the begining and basically that sucks.

only real advice i can give you is when you DO finnally get together. do it for either 2-3 days at a shot or long haul because the noviltey of some one wears off after the first few days. then things get wierd for a few weeks as you adjust to being aroudn each other again (expecially if you are living together) me and the wife its always " OMG your home YAY" for abotu 2 days then it turns into " why are you still in my house" for a few weeks untill you figure how to live together back out.

Plan9

Now, I didn't say that. But interesting take on it.

bagatelle

I don't think, I could do it. It's another thing being friends with someone far away.

My father was often away because of his work. I didn't want a husband like that, nor father like that to my children. I married rather close.

ring

We have a connection that defies standard measurements of time and distance.

In the space betwixt, we've drawn our filamental pathways for finding.

Sweet dreams darlin'.

Halx

Having been in a few LDR's, I have resolved to not pursue them any more. I am not interested in a relationship where there is no physical interaction.

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

Plan9

Let's say there is regular physical interaction. Let's say you have to drive 90 minutes. Or 3 hours. Or X.

It's about practicality. How much do you sacrifice to touch someone when others are much closer?

I really liked the girl that I had to drive 90 minutes for... but 8 hours? The sex didn't warrant it.

World's King

I'm in one right now... and not by choice.



And it sucks. A lot.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

Plan9

What sucks more? The waiting or the travel?

For me it was the travel. If I have a local girlfriend that I see twice a month this one month, that's cool.

But wasting time and money to haul myself across the country was a real nuisance.

World's King

No travel involved.


She's only gone for two months.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

clavus

I kept it going with girl for a few months. I was in Boise, she was in Sacramento. Being apart was crappy. The job was crappy.

I fled Boise and returned to her loving arms.

We got married. 15 years later, we still are.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

CinnamonGirl

Let me tell you a story.


Once upon a time, there was a girl. She met lovely boys from Chicago, Indianapolis, Boston, and a small town north of Dayton. She made it a point to tell these lovely boys, "I'm not your girlfriend. You're not going to tie me down when you live that far away. I'm not all that interested in uprooting my life for you, and I don't expect you to do that for me; sure, you're cool, but we're never going to be anything serious."

And so it went. Anything over an hour away was a dealbreaker, and she was perfectly okay with that.

And then one day, she was reading through posts on TFP, much like she did every day. She replied to one, much like she did every day, but this time she decided to check the profile of the person to whom she was replying. He, apparently, did the same, and they started responding to each other in threads, and chatting every day, which led to texting and phone calls.

To make a fairly long story a little bit shorter, she fell for someone who lived eight hours away. Something clicked with this one, and while the time apart really sucks, it will be worth it in the end.

***

So, yeah. Before, I would've said getting involved with someone long distance was pointless. I'm not saying that now

Certain things help, though, like settie said. There has to be trust. There has to be open communication. And really, the distance can't be permanent. There should be a plan, somewhere along the way, to remove the "long distance" part from the "relationship" part.

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Toaster126

The long distance stories I hear where it didn't work out in a healthy way usually involve people a couple of years out of high school.

After that point, it seems like people will deal with the distance with good communication and either decide they don't want to deal with that burden anymore, and break it off, or they solve the problem eventually by moving together. The young ones lie to themselves and stay when they shouldn't. Or cheat.

I don't think it's any easier due to age. I think it has way more to do with the people involved. But I do think a lot of twenty year olds are in long term relationships because they didn't want to just break up or because they are afraid of being alone.

Being alone in a bed with someone else is much worse than just being alone.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Cernunnos

My previous relationship was long distance by nature. We began chatting over IRC while playing a browser-based game, and rather quickly, flirtation led to intimate conversations. We piqued one another's curiosity, and despite limiting ourselves to textual communication, a seemingly magical connection was formed. Our relationship became highly romantic for the better part of a year until the four to five hours of conversation per day diminished to two or three, and our personality clashes, coupled with insecurity on both sides, resulted in irreversible damage. Even so, we flourished for another year before numerous issues overwhelmed us. The worst problems were the distance and our stage of life difference. She was ready to settle down, while I wasn't, and for a multitude of reasons, we were unable to physically meet.

I wound up cheating thrice on her, and neither of us could recover from the strain that placed on our relationship. Our personalities diverged, my sexual drive was utterly destroyed out of guilt, and we lost any semblance of romantic intimacy. She felt unwanted, I felt unforgiven, and we strung each other along for one additional year before she worked up the courage to leave. The distance had become too great for the dilapidated bridge we struggled to maintain.

All in all, the inability to branch into each other's offline life was devastating. The growth of our relationship was stunted, and intimacy can survive only so long over the internet. Once the intimacy vanished, the relationship itself followed suit.

surferlove007

Well of course people know my story...long distance can work. But I agree, having a plan for the future along with a timeline for that plan are crucial. James and I did the long distance thing, we dated a year previous to doing it. Ultimately things didn't work out because of later life decisions and understandings. Throughout it was expensive, time-consuming, and pricey. I don't regret any of it. We loved eachother very much. We still respect eachother immensly. It takes commitment and trust along with patience.

After going through that I promised myself I would never do another ldr, simply because I'm in a city where I don't need to. Now I'm faced with the possibility of my current boyfriend to be transferring schools to UT in Austin, two hours away. I would do it again and make it work, only for the fact that he says he knows it would work and believes in us. I did once, I could do it again.

---------- Post added at 01:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:13 AM ----------

Well of course people know my story...long distance can work. But I agree, having a plan for the future along with a timeline for that plan are crucial. James and I did the long distance thing, we dated a year previous to doing it. Ultimately things didn't work out because of later life decisions and understandings. Throughout it was expensive, time-consuming, and pricey. I don't regret any of it. We loved eachother very much. We still respect eachother immensly. It takes commitment and trust along with patience.

After going through that I promised myself I would never do another ldr, simply because I'm in a city where I don't need to. Now I'm faced with the possibility of my current boyfriend to be transferring schools to UT in Austin, two hours away. I would do it again and make it work, only for the fact that he says he knows it would work and believes in us. I did once, I could do it again. Wanting to do it is another story. But I feel strong enough about this man to put myself through that again. Let is be clear though, if it could be avoided it would be.

JoeSimpson

I think any relationship regardless of the distance has a chance of working, or not working. It just really depends how much time each partner is willing to put into the relationship.

little_tippler

I would say they rarely work unless people really understand the dedication necessary for them to finally find a way to not be LDR anymore.

And also, I think they occur because it's not really something you choose. Would anyone in their right mind choose to love someone who is very far away most of the time? No. So, if you can avoid being in one, I'd say it's better for you. Sometimes it just happens, and though in some cases you can fight it, other times you just want to give it a try with that person that you throw caution out the window.

I know there are millions of people right on my doorstep. For me, I don't click with the first person I stumble upon, or the first guy who shows an interest in me. So when I do meet someone that I click with in a strong way, I go for it. LDR or not. Right now, I hope that I don't have any more of those because I don't know if I can trust another guy in a LDR.

I also feel that LDRs have happened to me a couple of times because of my upbringing. Having been in an international school with people from all parts of the world, makes it so I have a lot of friends abroad. I also like to speak english very much so I tend to seek out people who also have 'an english tendency'. I have very rarely met a truly portuguese man I want to date. There is just something about the demeanour and thought process...I wish I didn't have this problem. It makes it very hard for me to meet someone I connect with.

So my answer is, avoid it if you can. If you're in one, be clear on what you are doing and what it means.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

hawker rider

It's hard work, and guaranteed to give you both a lot of heartache. I'm very glad that I had at least a year of time together with my spouse before it got to be a long distance relationship. We've been married very close to 10 years now and I still don't get to see much of them(have 2 kids with her in the mean time).

It takes a lot of dedication to each other, I know that there have been a lot of times that, should we have gotten a divorce, everyone would have understood.

Lubeboy

I've done it twice. They don't work. Save yourself time and stress and find someone local.

Bear Cub

Not without a 1000 mile long penis.

__________________
Living in the United Socialist States of America.

Sue

It worked for my BF and I. Then I grew tired of traveling/spending money on hotel rooms and rental cars. My reasoning was that money could be used on oh, say, rent? Perhaps closer to BF?

And here I am, almost 3 years later, in beautiful, mountainous Colorado.

Our lives together have only improved since then! =)

__________________
Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

Baraka_Guru

Sinulate Entertainment Home Page (NSFW)

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot