Change in libido or something else?
 

Before I started dating my current boyfriend, Brandon, I had a very strong libido. I was excited about sex and I wanted to try out so many things. Right before my boyfriend and I dated, I went through a short phase where I had a one-night-stand almost every other night.

Then, my boyfriend and I began to date and sex was fun and interesting. After a while, I suggested we could do a little bondage (just me being tied up and being spanked) but he didn't think I was serious. I suggested it again a few weeks or so later, and he said he wasn't interested in it. He suggested we try anal.. and I agreed. I was fine with it. I liked it and was just as excited about doing it as I was about having vaginal sex or being fingered. I gave him blowjobs and enjoyed it.

But, then I started getting bored.

He still pleased me by fingering me... and I still pleased him by sucking his dick and doing anal, but I just didn't find any real excitement in it.

We recently broke up because he was flirting with a girl online and I just lost all pleasure in having sex with him.

We've gotten back together, but I still find little pleasure in sex with him. It takes a lot for him to excite me, it seems. I love him, but I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way.

While we were broken up I had a short fling with another man and I was a little more excited about sex, but not as excited as I used to be.

Anybody know why this is happening? Can I ever be horny ever again??

Novelty does it for most people at first. Seems like you don't have the desire that extends beyond it. New people or new activities.

Sadly, they're only new once.

I'm in a similar situation, where plain jane sex has become very boring, like I can hardly keep it up because I'm thinking about how bored I am. That is self-fulfilled in a way, where I think about what turns me off and it turns me off, but I can't help it. I don't want my wife to think I am not attracted to her, because I am, but I am tired of her "assuming the position" all the time.

I've talked about this topic until I'm blue in the face, so that's my experience with it.

You'll probably have to find someone that knows how to please you. I didn't, unfortunately.

Most people are so jaded these days....

That being said, it's also unfortunate he wouldn't try light bondage which you wanted to do. Maybe that turned you off that he wouldn't at least try it. It's not like you're asking him for scat but different people have different thresholds of comfort.

Maybe he's wrong for you. Or maybe not.

If you love him, and don't find it so important that he won't try the bondage, then it's really up to you to find it in yourself to enjoy what you have.

I think people dwell on the negative things in their lives too much. I can't teach you how, but I used to be a pessimist most of the time until one day something clicked for me. These days I sometimes find myself feeling in awe of this amazing world, and the life I get to live. Just being here, conscious, able to experience things with this incredible body and mind that are mine to use, makes me excited about life. I think about all the awful things that happen and have happened in the world and I realize how lucky I am. I also realize how wasteful I can be.

During sex, it's important to try and enjoy the little details, just the fact that you're naked with another human being, and specially if you love them, it's such a privilege. I savour every moment as much as I can. And after a point, letting go, and giving your body to another, is also amazing.

That doesn't mean I always am able to relax and be free this way, but I do know it's possible and the main thing is to relax and truly ask yourself do you enjoy this and do you realize what you have. If you are honest with yourself and you are with him because YOU want to be, then it can't be a bad thing.

Well, he rejected your sexual fantasy and he rejected you emotionally by flirting with other women. It's not surprising you're not turned on by him. You have to resolve those issues or you may not end up having great sex with him again.

Good sex outside of new sex requires emotional engagement I think. You say you love him, but how emotionally engaged are you exactly?

The other consideration is that your meds are affecting your libido.

A guy who you get along great with, enjoy being around, and are sexually incompatible with is best friend material, not boyfriend material. It's time to be honest with him and break it off. Let him know you still want to be friends, but want to keep contact to a minimum for a few weeks to help avoid confusing emotions. Find someone who excites you emotionally and physically.

I am interested in your relationship history.
Two basic questions I'd like you to answer, if you don't mind:
How was your relationship with your father?
Can you describe your past relationships?

I've thought a lot about what some of you have said. Perhaps it has something to do with our relationship, but I feel like that's something that only time will help me with. I do love him... but I think only with time, I may understand our relationship and any issues I may have with it more completely.

To answer your two questions, Aladdin Sane:

"How was your relationship with your father?"
It was really good when I was a young child. We were really close. As I grew older, I became interested in my own things and by the age of 10 I had stopped hugging and kissing him and saying, "I love you." When I was 13 we did not get along very well at all. He was always angry at me and I was always angry at him. (Different reasons.) One of the main things my father and I used to argue about would be when I'd find him looking at porn on the computer in my room. I would also find emails (we had a family email that he used for this) from women to him talking about doing sexual shit and meeting up. I told my mom and when she confronted my dad about it, he denied it and said I was trying to ruin their marriage. We get along alright now. Not close... but alright.



"Can you describe your past relationships?"
I've only had one other long term relationship before this one. I knew a guy and we hooked up and went out for a couple years or so. Ex was interesting sexually. He didn't mind trying new things. He was emotionally abusive, though. He moved to another state and started dating another girl without telling me. For a while I would tell him I love him, and he wouldn't reply with the same answer. I asked why after a while and he said it was because he had found someone new. I was sad, but understood that the relationship was over. But, then he dumped the new girlfriend and claimed to love me again... and stated that we never broke up. I was confused. I didn't consider myself to be in a relationship with him anymore, though, so I went out and had sex with other guys. Fuck buddies and random guys I would meet at parties or through friends. Some fuck buddies eventually wanted to become "a thing" but I didn't feel that sort of connection with them so I rejected and forgot about them. I preferred one-night-stands since I didn't feel pressured to get to know the person more. :P

ametc, I try to look for patterns. It appears to me that your father was emotionally unavailable. It also seemed that you have had lots of sex without having a meaningful emotional connection. Could your dissatisfaction with your current lover be a subconscious attempt to avoid his emotional demands?