So I screwed up... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Suzz04 · 10-06-2009, 11:33 AM

Yep. I screwed up. Majorly. I lost two good friends and in some way it wasn't exactly my fault.

Explanation you say? Ahh... there's the fun part.

I was in need of cash a while back. A friend offered to buy out my "plat" in EQ2. Since I wasn't playing and probably not for a long while. They paid a portion of it. And promised the rest within the next 2 weeks.

As for the other, things were getting to me mentally on where I had gotten behind and in the midst of a complete organization of the apartment. I spoke to another friend saying that I'd pay the money back in no more than 3 weeks tops.

Well, now I've broken my word, that friend won't talk to me. I'm on the proverbial shit list. But that's because I didn't get the cash I was supposed to get to pay them back. It's a stupid circle I know.

Now, the one that owes me is mad at me because in a fit of anger over losing a good friend, I told them I wouldn't be talking to them for a while. Explained what was going on. Now, I've lost two friends.

The second one that owes me says they can't pay me because the boss went out (this was last week) for a week or so and no paycheck til boss comes back to sign the checks. I got the story of they'd get the money to me on money and that they would be starving after that. I'm not sure to believe that or not considering that we're not close by each other.

While finally being able to talk to the first one (to be paid back), I made arrangements to do babysitting and cleaning for payment back. I told the second one to just forget about the whole thing, money and all.

Now I've come to a impasse, I think you'd call it that. The cash will be coming by Western Union on Monday or sometime next week. I'm a old dog but I still have tricks up my sleeve.

I don't like broken promises, from myself or anyone else. Heard it too many times and broken to really care for that word much.

My question is..... and please just as you guys normally do hehe... be honest. I don't feel that I've managed to repair the damage to either friend. Nor have I come to any idea on how to fix it, maybe not fixable, I don't know.

Any ideas on how to make amends, or just leave it be and not speak to the other again? Or something I haven't thought of?

I don't post much I know, but I seriously have nobody else to ask for advice.

Lasereth · 10-06-2009, 12:52 PM

IMO they're not really friends if they're bent out of shape over something that petty. I loaned a friend $2,000 once and it took years for him to pay it back and it didn't affect our friendship at all because he's a true friend and I'm a true friend to him.

It was definitely a mistake to borrow money without being sure you would be able to pay it back, even if you were certain you would have cash coming to you. But everyone makes mistakes and if your friend is willing to end a friendship over that then I would tell them to go to hell and leave it at that. What petty BS to end a friendship over.

The guy who owes you money is also guilty of the same thing you are. He took your assets (EQ plat) without knowing with 100% certainty that he could pay it back. Like you said it's a stupid circle.

But that's the moral of the story!!! The whole situation is stupid and petty and it never should have started a huge argument anyway. If the money you borrowed from your friend crippled him then he had no business loaning it out.

A bunch of mistakes all around but nothing serious.

cyklone · 10-06-2009, 01:59 PM

I suggest that the most you will recover from this is the lesson. I learnt early in life, never lend money to friends, never borrow money from friends: it is a great way to lose friendships, as you have found out. I modified that rule later in life when an uncle suggested that I consider money lent to friends and family as a gift. Then if I got it back I was ahead, but if I didn't then it didn't matter.

Tully Mars · 10-06-2009, 02:37 PM

Money/business/friends... toxic mix in my experience.

I don't lend money and I don't borrow money. I have given money to friends a few times. They called it a loan. I never really stated it as anything other then "here ya go." Most paid it back, a couple didn't... since I didn't consider it a loan it never bothered me when they didn't pay it back.

clavus · 10-06-2009, 02:44 PM

I've loaned money to friends successfully. There is only one way to do it. Be in the frame of mind where you HONESTLY do not care if you ever see the money again. Tell your friend to pay you back when they can. Never bring it up again.

You need to be honest with yourself and you need to have cash to spare, or this will never work.

Suzz04 · 10-06-2009, 04:29 PM

I thank you all for your opinions =) I've always trusted honest answers here.

Yeah, I learned a lesson. But when I got to thinking about it, the offer on the plat came up when I said something about being sick of being behind. The friend offered to buy the plat in order to help me out. Considering I wasn't playing and wouldn't be for a long time. (lost gaming interest). We've been friends several years now and earlier I was brooding over it, I wondered if the friend might have taken advantage of the situation. I have no proof of that just started feeling weird about it. Considering said friend worked a day extra to pay 500$ bail for his mother when his next pay was just a few days earlier, also that the boss was the only one to sign checks and he was out for a week or two.

My long time friend (the loaner) and I had a long talk about why WE would even be in this type of "argument" to begin with. We've always been "here you go. might need something from you one of these days". But I have promised to doing babysitting (oy vey my nerves) and some light cleaning for the next week or so.

So... one side friend fixed, just a matter if the other and I remember the same exact thing from the other friend. Honestly I love both of them to death. They've been there with me through so many times that I just couldn't make it alone mentally. I guess that's why this has been so hard for me to deal with.

But, yes lesson definitely learn. I've got a goal for the rest of the year to put back money for stupid times like these. Might take some time with a fixed income.

Honesty with myself has been difficult after a few things condition wise for me, I never saw myself in that way and I haven't truly accepted it yet. But there will be some very long thinking and bouncing off someone outside the circle of tension.

Cynthetiq · 10-06-2009, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clavus

I've loaned money to friends successfully. There is only one way to do it. Be in the frame of mind where you HONESTLY do not care if you ever see the money again. Tell your friend to pay you back when they can. Never bring it up again.

You need to be honest with yourself and you need to have cash to spare, or this will never work.

exactly.

I have about $5,000 in outstanding "loans" that I've given to friends and family. I knowingly gave it to them thinking that I will never see the money again. I don't bring it up if they don't pay me back, nor do I feel awkward when I see them and remind them that they shouldn't feel awkward when they see me.

Punk.of.Ages · 10-06-2009, 07:48 PM

Friendships are more important than money. If anybody in this equation can't see that, they deserve to lose a friend.

It'll blow over, I think.

Suzz04 · 10-07-2009, 07:14 AM

One has blown over. That was from the one to loaned me the money that I was supposed to be receiving from the other.

The other, I don't know if it will blow over. We had a deal, which I could have gone a different route with, instead of trying to help him out breaking up what he needed into payments. But, other than that, I give up on trying to smooth it out with them.

When they send the promised money, I'm mailing it right back to them. Childish? Probably, but I'm not accepting it.

Lasereth · 10-07-2009, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suzz04

But I have promised to doing babysitting (oy vey my nerves) and some light cleaning for the next week or so.

If your friend is willing to let you work for him instead of paying him back, why doesn't he let you simply pay him back later? Then he'd get his money instead of service. This doesn't make sense to me. How much did you borrow? I figured that since you lost the friendship with this person, it must have been some emergency and he needed the money repaid ASAP. But the whole babysitting and cleaning instead trade makes it seem like the money isn't really a big deal to him, which makes me wonder why he was so mad in the first place.

Suzz04 · 10-07-2009, 10:37 AM

The one that is having anger over it is the one that owes me.

On the other side, the trade I came up with since I know that a babysitter can turn really expensive fast. It wasn't alot of money but, I just can't stand even if it's a "oh don't worry about it" deal .. it just doesn't sit with me knowing that I borrowed money and I intend to pay it back regardless. Have been this way for years.

I don't know if the one I know had a emergency or not, but they did ask if I had the money to pay back for whatever purpose I don't know, which in turn I asked the person that owed me when it was going to be. That's when it all went into a fury of fire.

Would you buy something off someone, to pay back in payments, that you could have gotten elsewhere for the exact amount and pay all up front but not having it all to do so? Originally I thought I was helping a friend, payments cool. Now I'm not so sure I helped them or I got screwed. But I came down with needing the payback that had been told was (this was 2-3 weeks ago for the last pay back) getting sent on Wed or Thurs. Never heard again for almost 2 weeks didn't say anything to them. Then it came to me needing to borrow from someone else. Fixed my money problem and asked when I was getting the money owed to me so I could hand back to I borrowed from.

The one I borrowed from isn't angry and is happy that someone will actually keep the kid without having to scramble for a babysitter. The kid naps so I'm gonna have to have something to do. TV is boring and I've read enough books of late that I'm sick of reading. So something to do.

I just never expected the anger to come from the one that owed me after I asked when it could be. And that I'd need it to pay back the person that I borrowed from while waiting on them. Yeah, I had anger from both but I was able to get one friendship fixed and everything is back to normal. The other one refuses to speak to me and if they do, it's a pissed off tone.

I'm a door mat when it comes to try to help people out. But, I make sure that regardless I pay back those that I do borrow from when I need help. Over the years, I've loaned alot of things, plus money, and never saw it again. The stuff I expected returned but never asked, I'm a chicken for the very reason I'm in it now. That they'll get mad at me for asking to begin with. But I never expect the money back. I might be on a fixed income but I will do what I can to make sure to pay back what I owe as soon as I can. Or give back whatever was loaned in terms of material things.

I guess it's in a way one of those things you had to be there to really get a good understanding. It was like in the first beginning when the question was asked of when, it was a seriously defensive and aggressive response.

But as I said, they're still in anger, going to send the money, but I'm going to mail it back. I feel now that it's something I couldn't accept with a clear conscious.

10-06-2009, 11:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
Suzz04 Crazy Location: Virginia	So I screwed up... Yep. I screwed up. Majorly. I lost two good friends and in some way it wasn't exactly my fault. Explanation you say? Ahh... there's the fun part. I was in need of cash a while back. A friend offered to buy out my "plat" in EQ2. Since I wasn't playing and probably not for a long while. They paid a portion of it. And promised the rest within the next 2 weeks. As for the other, things were getting to me mentally on where I had gotten behind and in the midst of a complete organization of the apartment. I spoke to another friend saying that I'd pay the money back in no more than 3 weeks tops. Well, now I've broken my word, that friend won't talk to me. I'm on the proverbial shit list. But that's because I didn't get the cash I was supposed to get to pay them back. It's a stupid circle I know. Now, the one that owes me is mad at me because in a fit of anger over losing a good friend, I told them I wouldn't be talking to them for a while. Explained what was going on. Now, I've lost two friends. The second one that owes me says they can't pay me because the boss went out (this was last week) for a week or so and no paycheck til boss comes back to sign the checks. I got the story of they'd get the money to me on money and that they would be starving after that. I'm not sure to believe that or not considering that we're not close by each other. While finally being able to talk to the first one (to be paid back), I made arrangements to do babysitting and cleaning for payment back. I told the second one to just forget about the whole thing, money and all. Now I've come to a impasse, I think you'd call it that. The cash will be coming by Western Union on Monday or sometime next week. I'm a old dog but I still have tricks up my sleeve. I don't like broken promises, from myself or anyone else. Heard it too many times and broken to really care for that word much. My question is..... and please just as you guys normally do hehe... be honest. I don't feel that I've managed to repair the damage to either friend. Nor have I come to any idea on how to fix it, maybe not fixable, I don't know. Any ideas on how to make amends, or just leave it be and not speak to the other again? Or something I haven't thought of? I don't post much I know, but I seriously have nobody else to ask for advice. __________________ Quantum Cat Theory: Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened, it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

10-06-2009, 12:52 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lasereth Knight of the Old Republic Location: Winston-Salem, NC	IMO they're not really friends if they're bent out of shape over something that petty. I loaned a friend $2,000 once and it took years for him to pay it back and it didn't affect our friendship at all because he's a true friend and I'm a true friend to him. It was definitely a mistake to borrow money without being sure you would be able to pay it back, even if you were certain you would have cash coming to you. But everyone makes mistakes and if your friend is willing to end a friendship over that then I would tell them to go to hell and leave it at that. What petty BS to end a friendship over. The guy who owes you money is also guilty of the same thing you are. He took your assets (EQ plat) without knowing with 100% certainty that he could pay it back. Like you said it's a stupid circle. But that's the moral of the story!!! The whole situation is stupid and petty and it never should have started a huge argument anyway. If the money you borrowed from your friend crippled him then he had no business loaning it out. A bunch of mistakes all around but nothing serious. __________________ "A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert Last edited by Lasereth; 10-06-2009 at 01:00 PM..

10-06-2009, 02:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
Tully Mars Living in a Warmer Insanity Super Moderator Location: Yucatan, Mexico	Money/business/friends... toxic mix in my experience. I don't lend money and I don't borrow money. I have given money to friends a few times. They called it a loan. I never really stated it as anything other then "here ya go." Most paid it back, a couple didn't... since I didn't consider it a loan it never bothered me when they didn't pay it back. __________________ I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

10-06-2009, 02:44 PM	#5 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	I've loaned money to friends successfully. There is only one way to do it. Be in the frame of mind where you HONESTLY do not care if you ever see the money again. Tell your friend to pay you back when they can. Never bring it up again. You need to be honest with yourself and you need to have cash to spare, or this will never work. __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

10-06-2009, 04:29 PM	#6 (permalink)
Suzz04 Crazy Location: Virginia	I thank you all for your opinions =) I've always trusted honest answers here. Yeah, I learned a lesson. But when I got to thinking about it, the offer on the plat came up when I said something about being sick of being behind. The friend offered to buy the plat in order to help me out. Considering I wasn't playing and wouldn't be for a long time. (lost gaming interest). We've been friends several years now and earlier I was brooding over it, I wondered if the friend might have taken advantage of the situation. I have no proof of that just started feeling weird about it. Considering said friend worked a day extra to pay 500$ bail for his mother when his next pay was just a few days earlier, also that the boss was the only one to sign checks and he was out for a week or two. My long time friend (the loaner) and I had a long talk about why WE would even be in this type of "argument" to begin with. We've always been "here you go. might need something from you one of these days". But I have promised to doing babysitting (oy vey my nerves) and some light cleaning for the next week or so. So... one side friend fixed, just a matter if the other and I remember the same exact thing from the other friend. Honestly I love both of them to death. They've been there with me through so many times that I just couldn't make it alone mentally. I guess that's why this has been so hard for me to deal with. But, yes lesson definitely learn. I've got a goal for the rest of the year to put back money for stupid times like these. Might take some time with a fixed income. Honesty with myself has been difficult after a few things condition wise for me, I never saw myself in that way and I haven't truly accepted it yet. But there will be some very long thinking and bouncing off someone outside the circle of tension. __________________ Quantum Cat Theory: Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened, it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

10-06-2009, 01:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
cyklone Crazy Location: Adelaide, South Australia	I suggest that the most you will recover from this is the lesson. I learnt early in life, never lend money to friends, never borrow money from friends: it is a great way to lose friendships, as you have found out. I modified that rule later in life when an uncle suggested that I consider money lent to friends and family as a gift. Then if I got it back I was ahead, but if I didn't then it didn't matter.

10-06-2009, 07:48 PM	#8 (permalink)
Punk.of.Ages Forming Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.	Friendships are more important than money. If anybody in this equation can't see that, they deserve to lose a friend. It'll blow over, I think. __________________ "The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

10-07-2009, 07:14 AM	#9 (permalink)
Suzz04 Crazy Location: Virginia	One has blown over. That was from the one to loaned me the money that I was supposed to be receiving from the other. The other, I don't know if it will blow over. We had a deal, which I could have gone a different route with, instead of trying to help him out breaking up what he needed into payments. But, other than that, I give up on trying to smooth it out with them. When they send the promised money, I'm mailing it right back to them. Childish? Probably, but I'm not accepting it. __________________ Quantum Cat Theory: Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened, it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

10-07-2009, 10:37 AM	#11 (permalink)
Suzz04 Crazy Location: Virginia	The one that is having anger over it is the one that owes me. On the other side, the trade I came up with since I know that a babysitter can turn really expensive fast. It wasn't alot of money but, I just can't stand even if it's a "oh don't worry about it" deal .. it just doesn't sit with me knowing that I borrowed money and I intend to pay it back regardless. Have been this way for years. I don't know if the one I know had a emergency or not, but they did ask if I had the money to pay back for whatever purpose I don't know, which in turn I asked the person that owed me when it was going to be. That's when it all went into a fury of fire. Would you buy something off someone, to pay back in payments, that you could have gotten elsewhere for the exact amount and pay all up front but not having it all to do so? Originally I thought I was helping a friend, payments cool. Now I'm not so sure I helped them or I got screwed. But I came down with needing the payback that had been told was (this was 2-3 weeks ago for the last pay back) getting sent on Wed or Thurs. Never heard again for almost 2 weeks didn't say anything to them. Then it came to me needing to borrow from someone else. Fixed my money problem and asked when I was getting the money owed to me so I could hand back to I borrowed from. The one I borrowed from isn't angry and is happy that someone will actually keep the kid without having to scramble for a babysitter. The kid naps so I'm gonna have to have something to do. TV is boring and I've read enough books of late that I'm sick of reading. So something to do. I just never expected the anger to come from the one that owed me after I asked when it could be. And that I'd need it to pay back the person that I borrowed from while waiting on them. Yeah, I had anger from both but I was able to get one friendship fixed and everything is back to normal. The other one refuses to speak to me and if they do, it's a pissed off tone. I'm a door mat when it comes to try to help people out. But, I make sure that regardless I pay back those that I do borrow from when I need help. Over the years, I've loaned alot of things, plus money, and never saw it again. The stuff I expected returned but never asked, I'm a chicken for the very reason I'm in it now. That they'll get mad at me for asking to begin with. But I never expect the money back. I might be on a fixed income but I will do what I can to make sure to pay back what I owe as soon as I can. Or give back whatever was loaned in terms of material things. I guess it's in a way one of those things you had to be there to really get a good understanding. It was like in the first beginning when the question was asked of when, it was a seriously defensive and aggressive response. But as I said, they're still in anger, going to send the money, but I'm going to mail it back. I feel now that it's something I couldn't accept with a clear conscious. __________________ Quantum Cat Theory: Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened, it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.