little_tippler

ok so, the 'traditional' way to go is to share a house, a bed, and just about everything. Maaaybe have separate offices/workspaces within a shared home.

But I was thinking, though I do enjoy sharing a bed with someone I love, that sometimes, it would be nice to have a separate bedroom to myself. Selfishly, and introvertedly I guess, I like the idea of having a separate bedroom of my own.

Why should people be forced to share their bedroom? It's possibly the most private space anyone ever has, why shouldn't they have it individually?

I don't think this means that people love each other less, it just means they relish their time on their own, and are more appreciative of the moments when they do share a bedroom, because it's not just a routine.

I can imagine having a house with a bedroom for each partner, then a bedroom just for being together. Maybe this sounds crazy. But I keep thinking it would be nice. I feel like sharing a bedroom strips me of some privacy that I don't want to give up. Maybe I've been living alone for too long heh. But it would help avoid things like having to be quiet in the mornings because your SO is sleeping, or at night in a similar fashion. No more looking for clothes in semi-darkness. No more fighting over the duvet or bed space.

I know some people have separate bedrooms for more practical reasons, such as one partner snores and the other can't sleep. But that must just be depressing.

What do you think of my crazy idea? Of course, this would be a luxury, for a house with a couple you'd need 3 bedrooms just for the two, but reality aside, I think it's a good little fantasy. What do you think? Would you like to have this?

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ShaniFaye

That might be interesting to other people, but I can think of no possible reason I'd want my own room. We have no issues with bed or cover hogging, and we both sleep on the same schedule (go to bed and get up at the same time) so there is no fumbling around in the dark for things. Dave snores at times, but its amazing how much of that is drowned out because I have to sleep with a floor fan running so unless he is really ill with a stuffy head his snoring doesnt keep me awake.

The insomnia I suffer when he is out of the country for work is bad enough, I couldnt imagine him being in the same house and NOT in the bed with me.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

The_Jazz

Separate bedroom? No, I don't think that would work for us. But I do have my own separate space that's mine alone in the house in my office. And that's pretty important to me. It's where all the books that are important to me are along with my most important keepsakes.

A friend of mine also has "his room" that has no work component to it. It's a bit of a man cave, but he and his wife have agreed that it's his to do with as he pleases. There's a kegerator, big TV, comfy chairs, etc. and it's a great place to watch a game.

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mixedmedia

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your own room, but it's not something I would like, either. One of the best things about being in a live-in relationship (for me) is having someone to share the bed with. All the other variables (noise, privacy, etc.) really don't come into the picture for me. I'm not someone who needs a private space, perhaps because being a mom for 20+ years has effectively cleansed me of the very notion of a right to privacy, lol. My boyfriend and I have our computers side by side in the living room. He does have a room for all of his music equipment but he rarely closes the door when he's in there.

But everyone is different and sometimes people do need private time. If it's possible, there's certainly nothing wrong with setting up your house to allow for it.

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Plan9

Oh, I'm so not living with someone until I've got a house again. That way... they can leave. Petty'd!

And said house will feature a glorious man room, if not a Giant Steel Man Garage in the back yard.

...

Privacy is important... not because you're hiding something or being selfish, but because it's good for your soul.

Do I want to have to hear Coldplay or The Princess Bride while I'm assembling an AR from a kit? Fuck no.

And there isn't a woman out there that wants to listen to Nuke and the Living Dead or me singing their songs.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

ShaniFaye

I think there is a big difference in having a "man cave" and not sharing a bedroom... IF Dave were to want his own space that wouldnt bother me at all....not sharing a bedroom WOULD bother me. He is the same way, I cant tell you how many times in 6 years my bronchitis has been SO bad and I've offered to go sleep in one of the guest rooms and he's told me he'd rather have me with him hacking away than not

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Plan9

Is the separate bedrooms thing the same notion as that laid out in that recent thread that suggested that "Muslim women in full garb all day are sexier for their husbands" thing? I can see the psychology in action, but the practical application is totally poo-poo. Two full / queen beds? A wasted extra room?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

LoganSnake

I've made it a point never to live with somebody without having a room that is just mine. It's one of the earliest topics that comes up in my relationships. That way that they can get used to the idea that if we do end up living together, I would have one room where I could retreat to for me time.

Bedroom? No. More like a room with a computer, some reading material, comfortable chair/couch and a TV.

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Plan9

How's that work out for ya in an apartment? You pick a closet?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

CinnamonGirl

Another "I need space, but sharing a bedroom's fine" vote. I like to snuggle too much.


It's an interesting concept, though. Especially seeing as how I'm such a night owl/insomniac.

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Plan9

Yeah, dysfunctional relationship living at its most McMansion finest.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

PonyPotato

I'm all for sharing a bedroom. As long as my SO's sleeping habits don't interfere with my own sleep.. sleep is a foundation for my mood and health, so if I'm not getting enough of it my life gets really screwy.

I am also supportive of either having personal space or at least personal TIME in a shared space. In my only live-in relationship, I never got time to myself because I didn't have anywhere else to go without an 8 hour drive being involved.

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Suzz04

We have a 3rd bedroom that wasn't being used but for storage. Decided to clean out alot of things that really didn't need to be here, got boxes to organized and labeled in case we needed to find something.

It's turned into a computer room per se. Once we get the computers back up and running (different story) the net surfing one here gives privacy to the both of us.

Well, at least as much privacy one can get with a 13 yro girl that never shuts up unless asleep and a clingy cat.

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inBOIL

I certainly need a space that's all my own, but don't think my bedroom is the best place for that. A den/office/man cave seem much better. Although having separate bathrooms is a good thing, especially for those times when you want to take a shower and your partner has a ferocious case of the hersey squirts.

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snowy

My SO and I have difficulties sleeping without each other too. We try not to be apart for long if we can help it. We go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time. I can't imagine not sharing a bed with him.

When we had roommates, obviously there wasn't a lot of space for either of us to have a "me" space. But we changed one bedroom into a study, and we've used a twin mattress left over from my single days as a sort of chaise lounge. Last night, he didn't feel well, so he vegged out watching Hulu in the living room while I hung out in our study, reading a book. The study can take turns being "me" space.

I don't really need "me" space so much as I need "me" time. So long as I have time in which to do the things I like to do, I'm good.

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Daniel_

A few years ago one of may dad's elderly cousins once told me (aged about 80) that he and his wife had separate bedrooms since the 1950's and that it was great because it made every evening like a sleepover and a date.

Even in his 80s (she was in her late 60's at the time) he admitted that he loved to take her to bed, do that bad thing and then for them both to be able to go back to their own rooms later.

Initially he had his own room when he came back from Asia after WWII because he suffered from night terrors and insomnia after having been incarcerated by the Japanese on the infamous Burma railway. So, yes, my uncle-cousin-type-thing built "The Bridge Over The River Kwai".

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And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
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╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

LoganSnake

No, but I wouldn't live in anything less than a two bedroom place if there are two of us so that the second bedroom can be mine.

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

ShaniFaye

What about if she wants her space too?

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

LoganSnake

What, kitchen's not enough? Hey-oh!

But seriously, then I guess we'll have to look for a bigger place where we could be alone without running into each other frequently when the need for that would arise.

Either that or work out some compromise for the extra room.

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

jewels

Waking up with a man's warm body against mine is one of the greatest pleasures for me. I'd never give that up, unless I decided to become a golddigger. I think if I ever asked a SO to leave my bedroom, we'd know the relationship is in trouble.

When I need alone time, I'd send him out, go out or just move to another room and announce that I wanted to be left alone.

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World's King

Okay now all I can do is think about sharing a bed with Tippler...

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biznatch

I like the idea of a man-cave. A bedroom I don't care much for, but I'll take a room with a nice gaming PC, the consoles, and a TV. And a couch. And leather-bound books, so I can feel important when I'm in it.

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Plan9

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Charlatan

My grandparents slept in separate bedrooms and I always thought it was kind of neat.

I am all for my wife and I having rooms to ourselves but I don't think I'd want to sleep anywhere but with her.

It's also a factor of space. I don't want a massive house with too much space. I'd rather have a well stocked and well equipped kitchen.

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Fotzlid

We have an extra bedroom. I'd love to set it up as my own bedroom but I doubt that would go over well.
She is a monster bed hogger. I can go several days in a row with little to no sleep because I'm thisclose to the edge of the bed all night. I've tried pushing her out of the way but it doesn't work for long.

Toaster126

Why is everyone assuming that having separate bedrooms means not sleeping with your partner every night?

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

noodle

I haven't slept well or fully in 71 days.
I would not choose separate bedrooms because that would mean three king sized beds and I liked sharing a closet, bathroom, bed, etc. I liked fumbling around in the dark.
I do, however, strongly advocate for separate spaces.

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little_tippler

Exactly. Does not mean you don't have the option.

I love sharing a bed with a man, it's great. But I do tend to like to sleep off to my own spot on the bed, not snuggling. I just can't sleep in someone's grasp for some reason. I love to wake up next to them, fall asleep next to them. I love to wake up and then snuggle. But when I'm asleep...I need space.

I don't know why I'd want a room just for me, but I imagine I would use it occasionally when I just want 'me' time in bed. I guess it sounds odd but that's how I feel. Subconsciously the idea of having my own bedroom separately is appealing, even if I end up only being happy the option is there and only rarely using it. I love my bedroom and I feel that being forced to share it all of the time would make me feel, on occasion, like I have no choice. And no, it's not a commitment issue, at all. I think I'm quite a dedicated and loving woman.

Daniel_ thanks for that insight on your dad's cousin. The excitement he felt is possibly the excitement I feel when I think about having this option!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ShaniFaye

Maybe because of the 3rd paragraph of the OP?
Kinda difficult not to take the "not sleeping with them" meaning from what I put in bold

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Halanna

My Husband has his own bedroom. He actually sleeps there 2-3 times a month, but it's all his space. His golf stuff, baseball memorabilia and things like that.

Sometimes he wants to stay up late watching tv, I swear he's addicted to the Military Channel, but wants to lay in bed while watching, well then I ship him off to his room. I can't go to sleep with bombs going off and airplanes zooming around.

He doesn't keep any clothes in there. Our room is still our room, but a couple nights a month, it's rather nice.

thirdsun

It might just be one of those things that just depends on the relationship dynamics of the two people involved.

My grandparents slept in separate beds in the same room. He was much bigger, physically, than she was, and he rolled around a lot in his sleep and snored and snorted, L-O-U-D (his snoring scared me when I was a kid!). But she did have her own rooms for sewing and quilting.

In my second marriage, I needed a man-cave because my wife and her daughters were compulsive talkers. I simply had to have a place to go in the house that was reserved for me and me alone. But my wife and I did share the same bedroom and that was never in question. She had a hard time accepting my need for a "den", but eventually she came to understand that it was not about me avoiding her, but just having a quiet place to be alone for a while.

If you're the type of person who needs a separate space, whether to do creative things or just nap or just be alone for while, then by all means, there is nothing wrong with arranging it together and helping him to understand that it's not about avoiding him.

Sue

My boyfriend and I don't live together right now. He has a house and I live in my own apartment. He stays here on the weekends. We'll be sitting on the couch watching tv/movies, but then he'll get up to go on my computer and do some web browsing on his fave. sites. My place is his place when he stays over, and we haven't had any "space" issues.

On the bedroom note, I would hate it if he wanted to sleep separately while here. I love cuddling. I do hate it during the week when he ISN'T here though, but we've been doing fine with this arrangement.

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Poppinjay

When I last rented a house a single person, I had an extra bedroom just to escape my own bedroom. Sounds odd, I know. But then I would never share a living space without being married. Not because of morals or trying to get in to Liberty University, just because I liked my space intensely.

Now, I don't need a seperate bedroom. An occasional late night marathon of bad (in her words) TV while napping on the couch is fine. Of course, the baby changes things.

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FuglyStick

I suppose a daybed or some such in a room that was designated as "your" space would be okay, but to have a whole separate bedroom would be a little too close to "one foot out the door."

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Toaster126

I guess several of us disagree.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)