Anonymous Member

Gonna try to make this short.

* Online relationship for half a year, never met in person due to far distance, but will in 2 months.
* I've never had a girlfriend, she's had 4 boyfriends in the past.
* We fell in love with each other, as much as you can being online, but we are both aware that we have to wait and see what we're like in person.
* I trust her 100%, and I know she's never lied about anything important. She tells me everything bad and everything good, very open.

So anyways, on Friday she called me while she was on break at school, she was in a happy mood, except she hated her annual "exam". Anyways, later that night, she told me that her doctor thinks she might have genital herpes, because of an open cut or something, and she knows that it's a possibility. She was really, really, really upset about it, saying she doesn't know how she could live with herself if she has it, because no one will want to love a disgusting person like her, and everyone will think she's a slut... She's so upset about it, she kept saying if she had HSV-2 that she'd kill herself, and I've never heard her talk like that. She's the type of girl that's done almost everything right in life to be a good person, and she feels this takes it all away. I know she wouldn't kill herself, because of her strong family values, so that's not really my concern.

1). I told her, I still love her and it's not going to change what I think of her, and we are going to meet like were going to before and see how things go. She was like, literally shocked that I still wanted to have anything to do with her, and like, ever since this she's been saying how much she loves me more often and stuff like that. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing; is she loving me more just because that many other guys wouldn't want to be with someone with herpes, so that I'm like one of her only choices now? :\

2). Here's the thing... I'm not sure what to do or how to feel... I love this girl's morals and values in life, they are everything I wanted in a woman. I'm aware that she may not be "the one", but I'm really willing to give it a shot, because there's nothing I don't like about her. But this kinda of puts me in an odd position now... We joked about having sex the first day we meet in person - since we've known each other for 7 months and we are both attracted to each other - then later found out we both were serious about doing that... Well, if she does have herpes, that's totally out of the question for me on the first day now, or even the first week, so that sucks for me and her because she'll know it's because of the herpes.

I'm not concerned that, "oh, I can't have sex with someone the first day I meet." I'm concerned that, if we date and fall in love in person, and I "feel" like we'll be together for life and we have sex, then if we break up at some point, there's a good chance that I could be infected with the virus too. I know, condoms are a pretty safe alternative, but they aren't 100% preventative, and I guess I couldn't go down on her without risking getting it. Getting herpes while only have had sex with one person exclusively in life, would ruin me. It's been hard enough to even get this girl to like me, let alone another girl with good values that would want me with herpes.

I don't know what to do... If I were guaranteed I'd be with her for life, I wouldn't mind risking getting herpes. But, nobody knows the future, and even if we stay together for 5 years, it could end, and I'd be stuck with this awful virus that nobody wants to accept... And, I don't want to have a relationship without any sex. And, I'd eventually want to make a baby with her, so the condom would have to come off at some point or another... I don't know what to do...

highdro69

Well first, I would just calm down and wait for the actual test results. A cut isn't an open sore. She could have a completely different, noncommunicable disorder that causes her wounds to heal improperly, and girls do knick themselves from time to time down there when shaving. So bottom line there, chill out heh.


Secondly, to go forward you're going to have to decide how you actually feel about her.


Personally, I don't see how there's any way in the world someone could fall that deeply in love with someone on-line, in only half a year at that, to the point where something so serious as a non-curable disease wouldn't change things. You're not a bad person if her having it affects your opinion of and feelings towards her.

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Anonymous Member

This advice may or may not be applicable, but here goes anyways:

Who cares? My wife has herpes. It's not a big deal. She told me when we started dating, we used a condom until we got engaged, then stopped--it wasn't worth the annoyance. The extent of its affect on our life is that she had to take valtrex the last couple months of her pregnancy to ensure she didn't have an outbreak when she gave birth. I may or may not have it, we don't know, and I don't particularly care. Neither of us has had an outbreak. I'd say the cold she's currently battling has had more of an impact on our life than the herpes.

Anonymous Member

Yeah, I know it's not a "for sure" thing... but it seems the likeliness of it is pretty good being that one of the guys she was with was with a lot of girls in the past for one-nighters. So, it's not just how many partners she's had, but how many partners all of those guys have had. But yeah, I keep forgetting that there is a chance that she doesn't have it.

And I know what I may have said about me feeling the same about her might seem weird, given that I'm so concerned, but I meant it as in I'll still like her for all the same reasons, but things might have to be taken a lot more slower and a lot more cautiously.


That advice is very applicable. If her and I are compatible in person, your story is how I "want" our story to be told. I've been doing a lot of research on the virus, but a lot of it doesn't really say how much it affects people's lives other than the emotional discomforting part of having it for life, but if I'm with her forever it won't have an emotional effect on me. But, if I did get it and we broke up, I'd feel it'd be unethical to have sex with another woman and not tell her I might have herpes, or if I were tested and I knew I have it for a fact, I don't think many women would want to take the chance...

*Nikki*

It's a big deal to an extent. That being, how big of a deal is it to you??? If you are the type of person who finds this unacceptable, then move on.

If you are willing to work around this possible new development in your relationship, then go for it.

Use a condom and have fun.

highdro69

But condoms feel weird! :-(

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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

telekinetic

so do herpes, I imagine.

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twisted no more

dippin

Condoms help, but dont necessarily prevent herpes as the lesions might be anywhere around the groin area, and thus uncovered skin can still come in contact with it.

That said, with medication, condoms, and avoiding sex during outbreaks the likelihood of catching it are very small (but still possible).

FuglyStick

I think, anymore, that many couples function just fine when one of them has herpes. If the couple takes the proper precautions, there's no reason they can't have a completely normal sex life.

Aladdin Sane

Herpes is not the end of the world. Don't miss out on a relationship with the girl you love because of it.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

braisler

This might or might not have an impact on your decision. A recent study uncovered a link between HSV-1 (cold sore type) herpes and development of Alzheimer's later in life. Here is a like to the Science Daily discussion of the article: Cold Sore Virus Linked To Alzheimer's Disease: New Treatment, Or Even Vaccine Possible

This isn't just a correlation of AD with HSV-1 infection. I'm a scientist and I don't put a lot of weight on epidemiological studies. In this study the actually found "HSV1 DNA is located very specifically in amyloid plaques: 90% of plaques in Alzheimer's disease sufferers' brains contain HSV1 DNA." That is a pretty clear association right there.

For those that say herpes doesn't have any impact on your daily life, you might re-think that position. Of course, that study points to HSV-1 and this discussion revolves around HSV-2. My point is that until this study came out, no one had any clue that HSV-1 had this big of a negative side either.

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You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
- Albert Einstein
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*Nikki*

Thanks braisler for posting that. Looks like I will be getting Alzheimer's, seeing how I have gotten cold sores all my life.

Anonymous Member

Thanks guys and gals for the advice.

She was supposed to get the results sometime last week, but she hasn't brought it up since she told me that she might have it and the day after she talked a little bit about it. I'm not sure if it's right of me to ask her if she got her results in because then it'd make it seem like a big deal to me. It is a big deal in that I need to know how more cautious I have to be if we get together, but then again, I'm probably jumping the gun, we might not even like each other in person, so maybe she wants to keep it private until we meet and see if we like each other; no point in telling a guy you're not going to be with that you have herpes.

And thanks for that article, Braisler. I always keep in mind of viruses and such not being just the one thing that it is, but having the possibility that it has other effects on the body as well.

Sugarmouse

Wait for the results.
I have panicked thiniking I have herpes countless times! It has been shaving infections/spots/nicks I have done whilst shaving or trimming.

If you really like her, I would just do other things without actual penetration for now, until you are 100% sure that her having herpes isn't going to bother you and you can work through it.

AS someone else said condoms do not protect from herpes necessarily. Skin to skin contact can spread it.

wishing you luck

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Sugarmouse=Festered

Punk.of.Ages

I don't think it is out of line for you to ask about the results. This is obviously a big deal to you, and I think you should be honest about that.

I personally think you're getting a little ahead of yourself.

My advice is find out the results and, regardless of if she has it or not, meet her as planned, take it slow, get to know the girl in real time, and decide if she's worth any problem that may present itself as far as the two of you are concerned.

A herpes scare is not the only issue you will have to sort out if you pursue a relationship. It is a hard one to deal with so early, I'll give it that, but realistically you can't even be sure she's everything you think she is when the computer is out of the picture.

Just take a breath and take your time. There's no need to rush right into sex whether she has herpes or not.

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Anonymous Member

Thanks for all the replies fellow TFPers.

I was going to ask her last night if she got the results in, but I guess she read my mind, as late in the afternoon she told me that she got her results in and she's clean. I don't find it as a major relief to me, I guess because I was willing to accept her whether she had em or not.

But yeah, I was/am getting too far ahead of myself. I haven't even met her yet and I'm already getting nervous and scared, when I don't even know if we're right for each other. I'm going to try to take things slower and less worrisome.

Thanks again for all the good advice.