advice... opening myself up to her again. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

silentbob · 02-11-2009, 08:50 AM

Hello TFP,

I've gotten wonderful advice here, and I've run into some trouble again.

A while back, I was hanging out with this girl, and I really couldn't tell if she wanted to be just friends and I was too much of a chicken shit to ask. She told me multiple times that she didn't want anything more than friends, but we really did talk to each other almost every day, and hang out at least once a week, as what I saw as just "friends."

We recently had a falling out, but we just started talking again. It turns out that she actually did have feelings for me, but she kept it in because she thought I would have rejected her if she brought it up. At this point in time, I have already convinced myself that she was just a friend, and the feelings I used to have for her are kind of suppressed now.

I wish I could explain everything in this post, but it would take ages to post it all. This girl is great, shes independent, caring, and almost everything I want in a girl... But lets just say, this girl has had some shameless behavior in her past, but she says since she has been around me she has learned to gain more respect for herself and has changed. I am not the partying type of guy, or a guy that sleeps around, so it kind of hurts me to know that she has been down that road in the past before. Every time I hear about her past, it really hurts me inside, and I don't know how to get over it.

I want to be able to put her past behind us and give a relationship a go, but I find it hard inside myself to let things go and take it from square one. I mentioned to her that I would like to bring us back to friendship before the falling out, and maybe take it a step further. I just dont know how fast to take things, and I really dont want to set myself up to be hurt in the end.

Any advice would be great! I've been confused

Martian · 02-11-2009, 09:05 AM

It sounds to me like she already has put her past behind her. It's you that needs to let this go.

What does it matter what she did before? Who she is now is the important part.

If you can't do that, then maybe she's not the right girl for you.

ratbastid · 02-11-2009, 09:11 AM

People say "put the past behind us". As if that made any damn sense at all. I think that's just a phrase we hear and then repeat without really thinking about it.

The past IS behind you. By definition! That's where the past LIVES. If you look at the future and see more of the same from the past, that's YOU doing that. Your past IS behind you, unless YOU keep it some other way.

World's King · 02-11-2009, 09:12 AM

First off, you ended up the friend in the first place because you appear to be good at the "overly sensitive guy" thing. And as you said, she's a party girl, (no, she didn't really change) she's doesn't want to hear about how much what's she's done in life has hurt YOU. It has nothing to do with you.

If you really like this girl, then you shouldn't never even think about the word 'friend'. It should never even enter your head. The only think you should be thinking about it getting her pants off.

braisler · 02-11-2009, 09:38 AM

On the plus side, she should be pretty good in bed. I mean, if you can get past her past and accept her as what she is right now, then you are probably in for a pretty fun ride. I realize that this might sound callous as you profess to have real feelings for this woman. But it sometimes helps to put a positive, funny spin on things.

It sounds to me like both of you were kind of playing at the 'friend' game before to reduce the chances of getting hurt by exposing your feelings. The answer... expose your feelings, put yourself at risk of getting hurt, ask the same from her. End the games.

Spartanx9 · 02-11-2009, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martian

What does it matter what she did before? Who she is now is the important part.

Quoted for truth. Its what I live by.

Plan9 · 02-11-2009, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by World's King

First off, you ended up the friend in the first place because you appear to be good at the "overly sensitive guy" thing. And as you said, she's a party girl, (no, she didn't really change) she's doesn't want to hear about how much what's she's done in life has hurt YOU. It has nothing to do with you.

If you really like this girl, then you shouldn't never even think about the word 'friend'. It should never even enter your head. The only think you should be thinking about it getting her pants off.

The Word of our Lord and Savior, World's King, according to the Gospel of Painful Truths.

I concur. We are what we do, regardless of good intentions. And we are how others see us.

You can't change people and they rarely change much themselves. Keep that in mind.

silentbob · 02-11-2009, 12:53 PM

I ended up friend in the first place because she told me she didnt want anything more than friends. So I respected her decisions and feelings, not knowing that she had different feelings towards me when she said that.

I just wish I knew for sure if she changed or not, I dont want to be another statistic to her.

World's King · 02-11-2009, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silentbob

I ended up friend in the first place because she told me she didnt want anything more than friends. So I respected her decisions and feelings, not knowing that she had different feelings towards me when she said that.

I just wish I knew for sure if she changed or not, I dont want to be another statistic to her.

She said she wanted to be your friend because she wanted you to actually pursue her. She was playing hard to get.

She didn't want to be respected... She wanted you 'man-up' and take charge of the situation.

dippin · 02-11-2009, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silentbob

I ended up friend in the first place because she told me she didnt want anything more than friends. So I respected her decisions and feelings, not knowing that she had different feelings towards me when she said that.

I just wish I knew for sure if she changed or not, I dont want to be another statistic to her.

there is only one way to find out.

If it doesnt work, at least you tried and learned from it. Can you get hurt? Yes, but doing nothing also has that risk and much less of a pay-off.

Go for it and don't over analyze things.

Acetylene · 02-11-2009, 02:29 PM

If you don't ask her out, then you are GUARANTEED not to have a future with her.

At least if you do ask her out, then you have a chance together.

Indecision IS a decision, and that decision is "no". She will get tired of waiting eventually.

silentbob · 02-11-2009, 03:52 PM

i dont think it is a matter of me asking her out at this point, she already told me she's ready to be more than friends.

i guess the real problem is me.

KirStang · 02-11-2009, 03:58 PM

Every girl that I've had more than just something casual with?

I've had to take a leap of faith. I'm almost convinced it's standard for relationships.

Take it.

Or don't.

I've had my fair share of regrets for not trying hard enough.

World's King · 02-11-2009, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silentbob

i dont think it is a matter of me asking her out at this point, she already told me she's ready to be more than friends.

i guess the real problem is me.

So what do you need from us then?

You know what your problem is. You're being a pussy about the whole thing. (Sorry. It had to be said.)

You like her. You want to see her nasty bits up close and have her lick your balls in the back empty church. (Or have a meaningful, long and loving relationship that will stand the test of time)

And yes, it is a matter of you asking her out.

dippin · 02-11-2009, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silentbob

i dont think it is a matter of me asking her out at this point, she already told me she's ready to be more than friends.

i guess the real problem is me.

At this point you can torture yourself, sigh deeply, read romantic poetry, use undereye mascara and paint your fingernails black, singing woe is me, and do nothing.

Or you can go be with the girl you like and who likes you back.

As far as relationships go, this is a no brainer. Unless, of course, you like the whole tortured soul thing.

fresnelly · 02-11-2009, 05:24 PM

The next time you see her, forget about "asking her out" and just lean in and kiss her.

Stop overthinking it.

bazkitcase5 · 02-11-2009, 07:52 PM

maybe its just me, but I find it funny that often times when reading these advice threads and the OP talks about a girl he likes, but she just wants to be friends, the advice that is given is almost always to basically forget about it

yet in this case, that advice would have worked against him... dang girls that like to play games...

pig · 02-11-2009, 08:06 PM

What's the worst case? What do you have to lose? I don't get it. You're into her, she's into you...you give it a shot for a while and it doesn't work out. So...? No big deal, live and learn. You don't give it a shot, you see her out with another guy and furiously masturbate while simultaneously calling her a bitch and imagining you'd let yourself fuck her just once. Or catch that hooker-grade hummer. Maybe you'd rather be behind door number 2, but I'll take door number 1. And don't forget door number 3 - you give a shot, it works out and y'all have a great relationship for as long as it lasts.

Man up nancy.

Plan9 · 02-11-2009, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pig

You don't give it a shot, you see her out with another guy and furiously masturbate while simultaneously calling her a bitch and imagining you'd let yourself fuck her just once. Or catch that hooker-grade hummer. Maybe you'd rather be behind door number 2, but I'll take door number 1. And don't forget door number 3 - you give a shot, it works out and y'all have a great relationship for as long as it lasts.

Man up nancy.

Oooh, I just got hit by a wave of piggy style that totally reminded me what it was like to be 17 again. Whew, that should be illegal.

pig · 02-12-2009, 03:11 PM

ps.: note - my reply was true perspective riddled with sarcasm. in all honesty, only you can decide what you should do. i don't see any harm in giving it a whirl, but if you're risk adverse when it comes to relationships, then that's a factor you have to think about. I would suggest pondering on the following:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robert Herrick aka The Original Dirty Old Man aka My Hero

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

02-11-2009, 08:50 AM	#1 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	advice... opening myself up to her again. Hello TFP, I've gotten wonderful advice here, and I've run into some trouble again. A while back, I was hanging out with this girl, and I really couldn't tell if she wanted to be just friends and I was too much of a chicken shit to ask. She told me multiple times that she didn't want anything more than friends, but we really did talk to each other almost every day, and hang out at least once a week, as what I saw as just "friends." We recently had a falling out, but we just started talking again. It turns out that she actually did have feelings for me, but she kept it in because she thought I would have rejected her if she brought it up. At this point in time, I have already convinced myself that she was just a friend, and the feelings I used to have for her are kind of suppressed now. I wish I could explain everything in this post, but it would take ages to post it all. This girl is great, shes independent, caring, and almost everything I want in a girl... But lets just say, this girl has had some shameless behavior in her past, but she says since she has been around me she has learned to gain more respect for herself and has changed. I am not the partying type of guy, or a guy that sleeps around, so it kind of hurts me to know that she has been down that road in the past before. Every time I hear about her past, it really hurts me inside, and I don't know how to get over it. I want to be able to put her past behind us and give a relationship a go, but I find it hard inside myself to let things go and take it from square one. I mentioned to her that I would like to bring us back to friendship before the falling out, and maybe take it a step further. I just dont know how fast to take things, and I really dont want to set myself up to be hurt in the end. Any advice would be great! I've been confused

02-11-2009, 09:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	It sounds to me like she already has put her past behind her. It's you that needs to let this go. What does it matter what she did before? Who she is now is the important part. If you can't do that, then maybe she's not the right girl for you. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

02-11-2009, 09:12 AM	#4 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	First off, you ended up the friend in the first place because you appear to be good at the "overly sensitive guy" thing. And as you said, she's a party girl, (no, she didn't really change) she's doesn't want to hear about how much what's she's done in life has hurt YOU. It has nothing to do with you. If you really like this girl, then you shouldn't never even think about the word 'friend'. It should never even enter your head. The only think you should be thinking about it getting her pants off. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

02-11-2009, 09:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
braisler Addict Location: Midway, KY	On the plus side, she should be pretty good in bed. I mean, if you can get past her past and accept her as what she is right now, then you are probably in for a pretty fun ride. I realize that this might sound callous as you profess to have real feelings for this woman. But it sometimes helps to put a positive, funny spin on things. It sounds to me like both of you were kind of playing at the 'friend' game before to reduce the chances of getting hurt by exposing your feelings. The answer... expose your feelings, put yourself at risk of getting hurt, ask the same from her. End the games. __________________ --- You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein ---

02-11-2009, 02:29 PM	#11 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	If you don't ask her out, then you are GUARANTEED not to have a future with her. At least if you do ask her out, then you have a chance together. Indecision IS a decision, and that decision is "no". She will get tired of waiting eventually. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

02-11-2009, 09:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	People say "put the past behind us". As if that made any damn sense at all. I think that's just a phrase we hear and then repeat without really thinking about it. The past IS behind you. By definition! That's where the past LIVES. If you look at the future and see more of the same from the past, that's YOU doing that. Your past IS behind you, unless YOU keep it some other way.

02-11-2009, 12:53 PM	#8 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	I ended up friend in the first place because she told me she didnt want anything more than friends. So I respected her decisions and feelings, not knowing that she had different feelings towards me when she said that. I just wish I knew for sure if she changed or not, I dont want to be another statistic to her.

02-11-2009, 03:52 PM	#12 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	i dont think it is a matter of me asking her out at this point, she already told me she's ready to be more than friends. i guess the real problem is me.

02-11-2009, 03:58 PM	#13 (permalink)
KirStang Future Bureaucrat	Every girl that I've had more than just something casual with? I've had to take a leap of faith. I'm almost convinced it's standard for relationships. Take it. Or don't. I've had my fair share of regrets for not trying hard enough.

02-11-2009, 05:24 PM	#16 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	The next time you see her, forget about "asking her out" and just lean in and kiss her. Stop overthinking it. __________________ Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

02-11-2009, 07:52 PM	#17 (permalink)
bazkitcase5 Crazy Location: Tupelo, MS	maybe its just me, but I find it funny that often times when reading these advice threads and the OP talks about a girl he likes, but she just wants to be friends, the advice that is given is almost always to basically forget about it yet in this case, that advice would have worked against him... dang girls that like to play games...

02-11-2009, 08:06 PM	#18 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	What's the worst case? What do you have to lose? I don't get it. You're into her, she's into you...you give it a shot for a while and it doesn't work out. So...? No big deal, live and learn. You don't give it a shot, you see her out with another guy and furiously masturbate while simultaneously calling her a bitch and imagining you'd let yourself fuck her just once. Or catch that hooker-grade hummer. Maybe you'd rather be behind door number 2, but I'll take door number 1. And don't forget door number 3 - you give a shot, it works out and y'all have a great relationship for as long as it lasts. Man up nancy. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style