Inlaws!!! - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

homerhop · 07-01-2003, 03:57 PM

In-laws. How do you deal with yours?

My partner’s father is a total nut job, religious freak and always giving the holier than thou lectures. We are waiting for our house to be built and have been together for 9 years now, and he is always on her case telling her that she has no respect for herself sleeping around (cos we are not married)We don’t have kids.

Her younger sister has just moved back home yesterday and last night he was on her case non stop, so my partner has told her that as soon as our house is ready there is a room there for her.
What really gets to my partner is we have been together longer than her own brothers and sisters have been with their partners, and there is never a word said against her brothers, one is in the same status as us. The other is living with a married woman.

Today my partner rang saying that her father goes over to her sister’s house (who is married and as he says his only daughter to do the right thing) and cries because of how she is behaving!!!!
I don’t say much to her about him only that soon we will not have to worry about it and we can tell him to shut it or leave when we have moved into our house.
He is starting to piss me off but I will not say anything to him for one reason only, a friend once said to me “she may not always be your partner but he will always be her father”

Slims · 07-01-2003, 11:17 PM

Show him respect, call him Sir, etc. but treat him as an equal, rather than a superior.

With "Excuse me sir, I don't appreciate your constant effort to marginalize our relationship. Your daughter is a grown woman who is making decisions for herself, you dont' have to agree with them, but you do have to abide by them."

If you have been together for 9 years, why don't you get a justice of the peace to marry you? In fact, my roomate is an ordained minister, and I am sure he would be happy to do so over the telephone. At least her father would have to shut up

I have never understood why girls are willing to take this kind of stuff from their parents. If my parents ever pulled crap like that, I would tell them to grow up and to call me when they have come to terms with the fact that I will sometimes make decisions that they don't like.

lurkette · 07-02-2003, 07:43 AM

You could also just accept his behavior, and that it is not likely to change, and just roll your eyes and let it slide. Hard to do, I know, when you feel like punching him in the mouth instead, but it's in the interest of keeping the peace. If you can't change his behavior, change your reaction to it.

Another thing you could do (this is weird but it worked for a friend of mine) is keep track of every time he says something objectionable, and for each incident put a dollar in a savings account. At the end of the year use the money to buy yourself something nice - a new tv, a vacation to a B&B, sex toys

- or give it to charity. Takes the sting out of his bullshit and gives you something else to pay attention to when you're listening to him blather. Just don't let him see you with the tally sheet.

Cynthetiq · 07-02-2003, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette
You could also just accept his behavior, and that it is not likely to change, and just roll your eyes and let it slide. Hard to do, I know, when you feel like punching him in the mouth instead, but it's in the interest of keeping the peace. If you can't change his behavior, change your reaction to it.

Another thing you could do (this is weird but it worked for a friend of mine) is keep track of every time he says something objectionable, and for each incident put a dollar in a savings account. At the end of the year use the money to buy yourself something nice - a new tv, a vacation to a B&B, sex toys - or give it to charity. Takes the sting out of his bullshit and gives you something else to pay attention to when you're listening to him blather. Just don't let him see you with the tally sheet.

now that's some great advice....the last part is nice, but truly an example of the first part.

homerhop · 07-05-2003, 04:40 AM

Quote:

umm, you could just get married. that would shut him up. 9 damn years and no marriage? sheez, id bitch at you too. show a little respect and marry that woman already.

otherwise, stop referring to him as your 'inlaws'.

I am not going to do something just to keep someone else who means nothing to me happy.
As for the 9 years every time we went to do something there was always something happening to set us back, I spent alot of time in and out of hospital after an accident, and then my partners mother got very sick and sadly died. So all out time and money went else where.
Now that things are comming right for us we have bought a house and would prefer to get that the way we want it, rather than spent the money on a piece of paper just to keep her father happy.This we have BOTH agreed on.
As for the "inlaws" over here legally she is regarded as my common law wife because we have been living together for so long and is entitled to half of everything I owm

homerhop · 07-06-2003, 04:07 AM

I guess the fact that we are BOTH happy , and i stress the BOTH cos you seem to pass that bit over, does not come into it?
This woman is as independant as I am and is very capable of letting me know when things are not going good, and has done, doesnt come into it??
Hell you are saying as long as we do the norm and live our lives the way people expect us, not the way we want to and are happy with our choices, is the way to go.
As for stringing her along you are suggesting this girl is a love sick puppy that will be lead blind.
We have lived our lives the way WE want to, and will continue to live our lives quiet happily the way WE (cos after all it is a joint decision) want to.
OH as for driving a wedge between her family and her, we just attended her mothers anniversay mass last night. As she cried she turned to me and said there is not a day that goes by that she wishes that it was her father not her mother that had died.

tikki · 07-06-2003, 06:20 AM

Just be yourself. That's what i do. If they don't like me, I don't worry about it. If the girl leaves me because of it, then I am better off anyway.

redravin40 · 07-06-2003, 09:39 AM

Homer,
I appreciate the position you're in.
All I can say is stand your ground and don't let the old man get to you.
Do what you and your lady need to be happy.
Don't let his meanness wear you down.

As for those of you offering Homer advice: you can disagree with his choices without getting personal.
Helping people does not involve insulting them.
The rules here are the same as they are in the rest of TFP.

Nisses · 07-06-2003, 02:21 PM

I have to agree with Forks here:

you say you both want to live your lives in peace and happiness. Well guess what, unless you move to Mars or something, you are still a part of society. And you rely upon it for a thousand things.

Face the fact that you are part of it, and that it has things requested and appreciated. It is your own proper choice if you don't want to agree with all of it. Just as it is society's choice to voice the fact that they don't agree with you...

Face it, if you don't fit the norm, you'll run into criticism. It's natural for most people.

And she has the option to let you know when things are not going well and lawfully is entitled to half your stuff... So what's the problem then? Nothing much is gonna change imho.

I do agree that perhaps her father's reaction is a bit extreme, but it's not likely gonna change

homerhop · 07-06-2003, 02:31 PM

sure I know what to do, I will dump her and marry her father

07-01-2003, 03:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
homerhop Insane Location: ÉIRE	Inlaws!!! In-laws. How do you deal with yours? My partner’s father is a total nut job, religious freak and always giving the holier than thou lectures. We are waiting for our house to be built and have been together for 9 years now, and he is always on her case telling her that she has no respect for herself sleeping around (cos we are not married)We don’t have kids. Her younger sister has just moved back home yesterday and last night he was on her case non stop, so my partner has told her that as soon as our house is ready there is a room there for her. What really gets to my partner is we have been together longer than her own brothers and sisters have been with their partners, and there is never a word said against her brothers, one is in the same status as us. The other is living with a married woman. Today my partner rang saying that her father goes over to her sister’s house (who is married and as he says his only daughter to do the right thing) and cries because of how she is behaving!!!! I don’t say much to her about him only that soon we will not have to worry about it and we can tell him to shut it or leave when we have moved into our house. He is starting to piss me off but I will not say anything to him for one reason only, a friend once said to me “she may not always be your partner but he will always be her father” __________________ its evolution baby

07-01-2003, 11:17 PM	#2 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	Show him respect, call him Sir, etc. but treat him as an equal, rather than a superior. With "Excuse me sir, I don't appreciate your constant effort to marginalize our relationship. Your daughter is a grown woman who is making decisions for herself, you dont' have to agree with them, but you do have to abide by them." If you have been together for 9 years, why don't you get a justice of the peace to marry you? In fact, my roomate is an ordained minister, and I am sure he would be happy to do so over the telephone. At least her father would have to shut up I have never understood why girls are willing to take this kind of stuff from their parents. If my parents ever pulled crap like that, I would tell them to grow up and to call me when they have come to terms with the fact that I will sometimes make decisions that they don't like. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

07-02-2003, 07:43 AM	#3 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	You could also just accept his behavior, and that it is not likely to change, and just roll your eyes and let it slide. Hard to do, I know, when you feel like punching him in the mouth instead, but it's in the interest of keeping the peace. If you can't change his behavior, change your reaction to it. Another thing you could do (this is weird but it worked for a friend of mine) is keep track of every time he says something objectionable, and for each incident put a dollar in a savings account. At the end of the year use the money to buy yourself something nice - a new tv, a vacation to a B&B, sex toys - or give it to charity. Takes the sting out of his bullshit and gives you something else to pay attention to when you're listening to him blather. Just don't let him see you with the tally sheet. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-06-2003, 04:07 AM	#6 (permalink)
homerhop Insane Location: ÉIRE	I guess the fact that we are BOTH happy , and i stress the BOTH cos you seem to pass that bit over, does not come into it? This woman is as independant as I am and is very capable of letting me know when things are not going good, and has done, doesnt come into it?? Hell you are saying as long as we do the norm and live our lives the way people expect us, not the way we want to and are happy with our choices, is the way to go. As for stringing her along you are suggesting this girl is a love sick puppy that will be lead blind. We have lived our lives the way WE want to, and will continue to live our lives quiet happily the way WE (cos after all it is a joint decision) want to. OH as for driving a wedge between her family and her, we just attended her mothers anniversay mass last night. As she cried she turned to me and said there is not a day that goes by that she wishes that it was her father not her mother that had died. __________________ its evolution baby

07-06-2003, 06:20 AM	#7 (permalink)
tikki Justified Location: West Lafayette, IN	Just be yourself. That's what i do. If they don't like me, I don't worry about it. If the girl leaves me because of it, then I am better off anyway. __________________ Take notice. Take interest. Take me with you.

07-06-2003, 09:39 AM	#8 (permalink)
redravin40 Loser Location: With Jadzia	Homer, I appreciate the position you're in. All I can say is stand your ground and don't let the old man get to you. Do what you and your lady need to be happy. Don't let his meanness wear you down. As for those of you offering Homer advice: you can disagree with his choices without getting personal. Helping people does not involve insulting them. The rules here are the same as they are in the rest of TFP. Last edited by redravin40; 07-06-2003 at 09:43 AM..

07-06-2003, 02:21 PM	#9 (permalink)
Nisses Shade Location: Belgium	I have to agree with Forks here: you say you both want to live your lives in peace and happiness. Well guess what, unless you move to Mars or something, you are still a part of society. And you rely upon it for a thousand things. Face the fact that you are part of it, and that it has things requested and appreciated. It is your own proper choice if you don't want to agree with all of it. Just as it is society's choice to voice the fact that they don't agree with you... Face it, if you don't fit the norm, you'll run into criticism. It's natural for most people. And she has the option to let you know when things are not going well and lawfully is entitled to half your stuff... So what's the problem then? Nothing much is gonna change imho. I do agree that perhaps her father's reaction is a bit extreme, but it's not likely gonna change __________________ Moderation should be moderately moderated.

07-06-2003, 02:31 PM	#10 (permalink)
homerhop Insane Location: ÉIRE	sure I know what to do, I will dump her and marry her father __________________ its evolution baby