Mirth

Hey all, I don't post here much but I always keep this place in mind. I don't know whether this should be in Life or Sexuality. I apologize for the length of this post in advance.

For those who don't remember my previous, old thread, I was the 23 year old virgin that had a hard time talking to women; actually, I have a harder time meeting women as I live in a small town, unentertaining town and don't like the bar/club scene. I'm not an asshole, and I'm a genuine nice and caring guy that has been looking for a woman that is also caring and loving. I find myself to be unattractive, and not because I'm only 5'5 tall - which used to be a big issue with me - but maybe because I look boyish (EVERYONE says I look 16). Those also lead me to being extremely shy.

Anyhow, nothing has changed since I last came here, except that I'm a 24 year old virgin and that the girl I made a thread about turned me down after I finally had the guts to ask her out in the beginning of the year. I'm over her though, and it was a good experience.

Okay, this might sound a little weird to a lot of you, as most of you seem like normal people and make a lot of sexy time, like normal people do. The main reason why I'm here is that a few months ago, a random girl from myspace befriended me (which is rare), and within that timeline, we went from telling each other "Your awesome to talk to, to "I like you", to now telling each other "I love you." I don't know what love is, never had a female love me, don't know what it's like, so I don't know if I love her, but for her to say it to me, since she's had boyfriends, that seems kinda weird.

Here's the catch; she lives 2000 miles away. It's not like, "Just drive the whatever town she lives in and meet her." Here's the other catch, their family plans to move here, and they vacation here a few times a year, so she was going to befriend people that lived here, to know someone. Turns out that I was the first person she befriended on myspace that lives in my town, and she liked me so much that she didn't send any friend requests to anyone else here. She also really, really digs and think it's amazing that I've never had sex, never had a girlfriend, and have never even kissed a girl, and thinks that's impossible (and she thinks I'm cute o_O...). I've always thought all those things were bad things, being inexperienced being bad, and never doing any of those seems kind of "loserish". It's still hard to imagine that she appreciates all of that, especially since she's somewhat experienced herself, like a normal girl her age (20).

So anyways, she was supposed to move here in October, then November, but things came up. Now she is going to take a semester of school over there, so that's another at least, oh 6 months. But, they may be visiting here in late Jan., and she really wants to meet me. I'm nervous, as I think that maybe my myspace put me in a better looking light and that she may find me unattractive in person, like all other women do.

Concern:
I'm not sure what to do. I signed up for eHarmony in the meantime, but not as a serious thing, as I didn't put any pictures up, just wanted to preview the site. I'm just not sure if I should put pictures up and actually try to find someone that may be interested, and try the dating thing. I'm not sure about doing it because I really, really like this girl. We text each other every day, and occasionally she'll call me on the phone, so it's not like she's fake. She's a really, really sweet and caring girl. I don't believe in "the one" anymore, but I can say that that she's the type of girl I've been waiting for; not everything is perfect about her, but that's what makes it even better, is cause she's still human. I just don't know how long I can wait for, as I'm extremely depressed in that I'm this old and never have had a g/f, it's really killing my heart. But she appreciates my past so much, that I would love to be able to make her my first. But then again, we both aren't crazy and thinking it's a fairy tale and we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything; she's said to me that if I met another girl in the meantime, she understands that I want to have a first girlfriend and would want me to do it just so I can be happy, even if it makes her sad. That really made me a happy-sad when she told me that because she sounds like she really cares about me...

Sidenote Concern (Strip Club):
Okay, so my friend who lives out of state is coming to where I used to live, a few hours, and I'm going to hang with him Saturday. We've been planning to go to a strip club even before I met the myspace girl; I've never thought I'd see the day where I'd go to the strip club, but I'm 24 and have only seen one breast in my life, and that was actually two weeks ago... . This is a fully nude strip club, so it'll be more than just viewing breasts, it'll be viewing everything, and touching above the waist is allowed, so I'll finally get to feel boobs. My concern is, I dunno whether I should tell the myspace girl that I'm going to a strip club, tell her after I go to a strip club that I went to a strip club, or not tell her at all. I feel like, it might not be right to even do because like, people do regretful things in their past, but then they find someone and that stuff is all in the past. Thing is, if I go to the strip club, it's not in the past, because I did it while I love this girl. I feel like if I go and not tell her, I'd have to hide the fact that I'd never touched a breast, never saw a vagina in person, etc. I dunno what's right to do...

Anyways, thanks for reading. I have no clue what I'm asking, but any advice is very welcome!!!

Jozrael

Alright. First things first. You're not going to get anywhere in any relationship that isn't founded on trust by the sound of it. Some people are fine with lying and all, but that doesn't work out well in the long run. From a general character analysis from what you've shown, you want honesty.

There's a very popular saying around here. Cheating is not measured in actions. It's measured in secrets. Girls can be very finicky. It's possible that this girl loves strip clubs too, would have no problem with you going except that she'd have loved to go with you.

It's equally (or more likely) possible that she will view this in a very negative light. I would recommend talking about it with her. You seem to have pretty good communication: That's the #1 thing in relationships (trust factors into this). If she has a problem, explain why you want to go. Hash it out. Decide to go or not, but include her in the discussion.

As to the beginning, you just need to get your feet wet with relationships. It all becomes much easier once you're actually involved in them. I'm glad you worked up the courage to ask that other girl out too.

GL

Cynosure

If you feel it's wrong, then don't go. If you feel it's not wrong, but you also feel this girl probably won't understand (at least, not at this point, so early in your relationship), then go if you feel really compelled to, but you probably shouldn't share this information with her.

One of the mistakes a person inexperienced at dating makes is, they try to share too much of themself on their first few dates. They get so excited about meeting someone who they feel they can finally connect with and can share everything about themself with, that they tend to gush forth way too much private/intimate information about themself; information that, really, only a detached and professional therapist could handle all at once, so soon after meeting that person. An example of this is going into deep, intimate detail about your dysfunctional parents and upbringing, and/or your plans for marriage, and/or your past failed relationships, and/or your sexual kinks, all within the first few dates.

Manic_Skafe

However unattractive you may believe yourself to be, I'd imagine that the only thing holding you back is your lack of self-esteem.

And there's nothing wrong with bars and clubs, you want life experience and experience dealing with the opposite sex - going out and mingling in situations outside of your comfort zone seems like a good place to start.

I wouldn't rate this online thing too high on my list of priorities, you obviously want to go to the strip club so you should go. You aren't dating this girl so you don't owe her anything. If something cool comes out of your relationship then that great but it really should only be just another option...

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

The Magic

Don't go to the club. Not because of the girl. But because you will probably regret it later.

Your self-image is pretty fragile at this point. You're living out this "24-year-old-who-has-never-had-a-girlfriend" persona; going to a strip club to have your first contact with women will only further instill in yourself that you don't have a chance with women (but you do!)

If you like this girl, you should try to meet her. Surprise her and go meet her. Don't take chances on waiting around. If it turns out not to be what it seems, then you'll know sooner rather than later. It's not a waste of money. If you don't have the money/resources, try saving as much as you can. Find the cheapest/most possible route you could take.

Also try to take more pride in yourself. In your post you tend to talk about yourself in a negative fashion and also comment that people see these same flaws in you. In attracting people/dating, other people usually see flaws because that same person believes those things are flaws. Put a positive spin on the things you don't like about yourself and think about yourself more confidently. Women will begin to notice it. How you think about yourself tends to infect other people; create a persona for yourself that you are comfortable with but shows confidence and you will be able to communicate those values to other people.

I didn't have my first girlfriend until after I was 20 (I am 22 now), so I understand a little where you are coming from. Also, I would be careful of casting a lot of hope into your first relationship. Mine is ending soon, and when I reflect back now I really think it would've been impossible to keep going no matter who I was with. It's forced me to change quite a bit. It's been a learning experience, kind of like a stepping stone so that I am now prepared for future relationships/women. I had so many things to learn, I don't think it could have been any other way.

Just remember, love/women usually just do not fall onto your lap (that part comes after you've found them~). Take action. If you're not content/confident with yourself, try to introduce change in your life. Move somewhere else, try a new job, do something drastic. Change is good, it helps us grow, challenges us, and makes us discover who we really are.

I totally went off topic but having been in similar shoes I thought I would give some more general advice. Good luck.

RogueGypsy

You say that you don't know what love is, this is likely true as most people don't. Even those who've experienced it. I would explain that to her first. Often women enjoy hearing 'I love you' from their SO, but if you don't mean it, things can get nasty. Just be honest and explain that you don't know what it means and don't feel comfortable saying it without meaning it. She should respect that as you've shown her respect with your honesty.

Adjust your self image. Find something that you do really well and are confident doing. It doesn't matter what it is; solving a math problem, writing, building an engine, cooking, detailing your car.......etc. It is most likely something that you really enjoy doing and have been doing for a long time. Now pay attention to the way you feel while you're doing it, so you have an idea of what confidence feels like. Use that confidence every day and soon you will just be confident. It may sound strange, but it works. And as mentioned above, confidence attracts people like flies. If you begin to feel nervous or insecure, just think about your 'thing' (no not that thing, the thing that makes you confident) and your confidence will rise. People will see you in a whole new light, even people you've know your whole life will ask you 'what you've done different'.

Another great way to build confidence, since you say this girl really likes you. Ask her what she likes about you. She may see things that you over look. Having someone who cares for you, tell you what they like about you is a great confidence builder.

A bit of a side note. People say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, not true. Confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac as long as it doesn't become arrogance.

Strip clubs are over rated. If you're going just to hang out with your friend, great, go. If you're going because you want an anatomy lesson, don't bother. Whatever you decide, be honest with the girl and tell her BEFORE you go. Some women are alright with strip clubs, but some hate them. The last thing you want is to start a relationship on a lie that will be found out later. Yes, eventually all lies become known. Tell her or don't go.

Hope that helps.




..

__________________
Methods, application and intensity of application vary by the individual. All legal wavers must be signed before 'treatment' begins. Self 'Medicating' is not recommend. However, if necessary, it is best to have an 'assistant' or 'soft landing zone' nearby. Any and all legal issues resulting from improperly applied techniques should be forwarded to: Dewy, Cheatum & Howe, Intercourse, PA 17534. Attn: Anonymous.

curiousbear

if you want to make a decision that wont hurt her or you (with respect to trust) rather than searching what is right thing for her, involve her in the decision making

important note: I know four couples personally who found each other online, built friendship and are now married couples. All of them are cross-continent. So I suggest you take this friendship serious and follow your instincts. Trust is everything inrelationship.

Mirth

Thank you all very much for your replies! I read them on Saturday afternoon, and the majority of you seem to think that discussing it with her was the right thing to do, so I was convinced enough to tell her. But that's not how it turned out:

Strip Club Stuff:

I texted her, saying that I needed to ask her something. Then she said, "well I need to ask you something first since it's probably more creepy, lol." She asked for my address, which I don't find creepy at all, and she said to expect a surprise; she seemed sooo happy about it too... Then she asked me what my question was, and like, I couldn't do it, I couldn't ask her her opinion on me going to a strip club! I just said like, "do you really want to meet me next month?". I was just trying to say anything that seemed like a viable question to follow up on me telling her I needed to ask her something, to which she replied, "YES!!! !" anyways. I went from being positive I wanted to discuss it with her, to not really knowing if I should anymore. We kept talking about other things, funny things, happy things, and I just didn't feel like it was the right moment to discuss it with her.

So anyways, yeah, I ended up going to the Strip Club. I wanted to go, and we've planned this adventure even before I met her, I couldn't back out now. I thought of it as either way I'd regret it in one form or another; If I went and her and I really do get together, I'd have to hide it, or eventually tell her. If I didn't go and her and I never get together, I'd regret not having gone there.

My biggest regret is not having any "bad" regrets. Normal people do stuff that they think isn't wrong, then end up regretting it later. I want to be normal. She's has her regrets too, a one-night stand with a guy, and staying with one of her boyfriends that just used her. It's all in the past now though. So yeah, I wanted a regret, but the only difference is that it's not in my past before I met her, it's while I've known her and liked her. Not sure if that changes everything I've just said above...

The Strip Club was amazing though. Was an all nude one. This may sound weird, but it was one of the best days of my life, mostly because of the 3 lap dances. I felt like a real guy, like, this may be what it's like to have a naked female body on you... I mean, it's the first time I seen boobs in person, let alone vaginas and everything. I didn't think feeling breasts would ever be anything special, it's just skin and fat and stuff, but the feel of them totally blew me away and was unexpected, the softness of em and all. The first lap dance I had was from a lady with fake breasts, which I didn't know at the time, but they felt like, hard, and wasn't impressed, but the 2 other women's breasts were so soft and felt great. I must sound perverted saying this...

So anyhow, I don't know if I did the right thing by not telling her... I wanted to, but everything was totally out of sync. Ugh...

Being Me Stuff:

I don't know what it is about me... I don't have one single friend in this town, and I just haven't met any people yet. With that said, when I was with my friends the other day, out of town, I feel confident. Like, we went to Chili's and the waitress was a very cute, pretty girl, and I joked with her and it felt normal and enjoyable; I did it because like, if she didn't laugh, my friends would laugh, or they'd laugh at the fact she didn't laugh, and that makes me laugh. So either way, I impress the lady or my friends with my humor. But when I'm by myself, all alone (which is 99% of the time), I don't get that same feeling of confidence.

Well anyways, thanks again for everyone's advice and for the confidence about the potential of an online relationship, but I feel bad that I let some of you guys down by not being able to go through with it, but I'm let down most of all for not doing it. I really wanted to, because I was convinced it was the best thing to do. I hope things work out...

FelixP

It sounds like you're trying to live up to what you see as the quintessential, sterotypical male role. I'm a construction worker, I hunt, I used to take karate, I lift weights, I run, etc, and I still have trouble with women. You should read my post "Too Nervous to lose virginity". I guess what I'm trying to say is, being a man has nothing to do with playing sports, or going to titty bars (which I have nothing against), or getting into bar brawls. Just be yourself. As someone with severe self-esteem issues, I know that's easier said than done, but sometimes we just have to nut up and chase what we want. Good luck mate.

Mirth

Thanks for the warm words, Felix. I guess I feel like living up to a male role might make things easier. I just read your thread, and the difference between you and I is quite a huge leap it looks like though; you say that women show interest in you, whereas no women in my past have ever shown any noticeable signs of interest in me. You had a woman all over you, but I can't even make it that far. . Not saying that I wouldn't freeze up or feel weird about it like you did, I'm just saying that I can't get that far with a woman to find out, I'd kill to get as far as you did.

FelixP

You can't get a girl, or you won't? Alot of this is in our heads.

Mirth

I can't get one, because none of them want me. And I live in a really, really small town where 95% of this area's population is over 50 years old it seems, so like, I don't even know where to go to meet women either. And I can't tell the difference between a girl who is only 16 and a girl that's 21 or something; if I seen that online girl that I like in person without ever have known her before, I'd think she's only like 16 years old, but she's 20.

kevkev

Know what you need? Ever heard of Davd Deangelo, or Sean Stephenson or a book called "The Game" written by Neil Strauss Aka Style. or Jugglar or even Ross Jefferies, Steve Pickus?

Those are some names to get you started. They are good with women, and are very succesful not just with women. Take a look at Sean Stephenson. Google him. Then if you have any questions come back and I'll try to help you and point you on the right path.

-Kevin

Mirth

I've heard of "The Game", and I've watched "The Pickup Artist" and seen how Mystery teaches his students.

The thing is, I don't know... I always say I want to be a normal guy and just pick up women and stuff, but, deep down inside I know that it's not what I really want to be... I only say that because I feel like I'm desperate to be loved, but what I really want is a nice, caring, wonderful girlfriend who loves my kindness and likes me for who I am. This myspace girl says she really loves how sweet I am, and that her past boyfriends treated her like crap, and she was just looking for a caring man now, which I know I am that type.

The problem with The Pickup Artist is that it's focused on picking up women at clubs for a kiss or seducing a woman for a one night stand, the same day you meet her. I don't want a woman that is that easy, because it just feels whoreish or something to me. I know, I think oddly, but that's how I feel.

If there's a book on how to pick up a genuine girl at the library or something, I'd be all for it... I didn't check out the other names you mentioned yet except for that Sean guy, yikes, I'll have to read his story, hehe.

Deltona Couple

I find myself compelled to finally speak up here. I had the same problem when I was younger. I felt unattractive (stemming from the teasing I got from girls sinc I was 10) and I felt like I could never get a girl. I was TERRIFIED that if I even SPOKE to a girl, I would curl up, wither away and die. I choked every time I DID talk to one, which made the teasing even worse. Then, when I turned 16 I did something about it. I learned several interesting bits of information after talking to a much older woman about what was going on. Women are NOT hung up about how you LOOK, they care mostly about how you ACT, and how you carry yourself. OK. How do you "carry" yourself? It is all in the attitude. Have you ever heard of the comments that you will find what you you areooking for when you stop looking for it? Getting a GF or significant other is the same way.

My suggestion is stop LOOKING for a girl. stop TRYING to lose your virginity. It will come when it comes, and no sooner. Some people have suggested asking this girl what she likes about you, while you tend to look down on yourself...but you answer all these questions yourself.....
Now pay attention to your OWN words in red. Now go back and read them again......now go read them AGAIN. Notice something? She likes you because you are YOU. You are not trying to impress her, you arent trying to "pick her up" with some cheesy line. You are being just that... YOU ARE BEING YOU, and THAT is what she likes. Not all girls are into hot guys, hell I know ALOT of girls who wish their BF was a virgin when they met. You have found a rare woman!!!

It is the times where one STOPS trying to find things that they find it. And TRUTH is a rarity. You have found a girl who likes a guy who is being himself, and not trying to be what he THINKS she wants. The woman I talked to taught me one interesting fact. A woman will never say "yes" to asking her out.....if you dont ask. In the real world out there you have to ask a girl you like out, and if she says yes, go out, treat her well, and be yourself. for if a girl doesnt like you for YOU, then she isnt the girl for you. The answer is always no if you dont ask. I am assuming that you two have atleast spoken on the phone? Ask her what she likes to do for fun, then plan an event for you two to go to when she gets there. See how it goes. personally from what I have seen you two might be a great couple. Maybe she is tired of the type of guys she has dated and you are something different and refreshing. GOOD LUCK! and keep us updated!

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Mirth

Thank you for that... I've been trying to figure out why she likes me, without asking her, but as you said, it seems that she likes me for who I am, which I've never even thought about until you mentioned it. Very interesting...

I guess I've been looking and wanting a g/f so badly because I'm really afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, and cause I feel so alone now. But you're right, I need to stop looking for it and I need to just wait for the right moment instead. I've been thinking of calling it off with this girl like, every week, because I'm afraid that she'll never come here, but I don't want to screw up what might happen with her so I'm going to hold out a little while longer with her to see where things go. She's a really great person.

And yup, we talk on the phone every once and awhile. And she really loves to go bowling, and that's one thing this little town has, so I think I may take her bowling, hehe. I just have to try to be myself, minus the shyness. But if she likes me for who I am, I see no reason why I should be shy, so I'll try to keep that in mind when/if we meet.

Thank you for your advice, it's given me things to think about.

curiousbear

Deltona_Couple, excellent post

Deltona Couple

ty. I have one or two good ones a year. lol. Good luck Mirth. I hope things turn out well. I do suggest that rather than consider calling it off, just let things go as they do, and whatever happens, happens.

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Mirth

Well, I'm back again, with another question!

I know it's not like a real relationship or anything with her, but like, I don't feel she really talks to me about things like friends would or a couple would. For example, she was going to get a car today, and it fell through, but she wouldn't tell me what happened. Or another time, she said she got into an argument with her brother, and again didn't tell me what happened. She never discussed things with me. I'm usually the first person my (now long-distant) friends go to to talk to for advice or just for someone to be a good listener, and she doesn't go to me, yet she'll text me like 20 times a day saying Hi or I Love You or What Are You Doing or something.

I want her to talk to me about her day and stuff though, I want to her the bad stuff and the good stuff. Last week, we kinda got into a little argument... She texted me "my cousin's friend is a dickhead!" or something, I asked why, she said "nothing", I'm like, ya gotta tell me now lol, and she's like, "really, nothing". And I kinda got into a little fight about her like, hinting stuff to me but not explaining what happened, I wanna know because I care about her... She later told me what happened, no big deal, but I don't understand why she couldn't come to me...

So, I don't wanna talk to her again about why she doesn't come to me cause we already kinda talked about it and I don't want the same argument. But I really want her to tell me things...

genuinegirly

Sometimes women just discuss things with other women. It takes a bit of prodding to help them realize that they can chat with a guy about things they might see as trivial.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Mirth

I guess I'm just going to have to prod some more then, haha. I told her the other day in a message that "I'm glad we can discuss anything with each other" and stuff, even though she really doesn't with me, and I guess she just doesn't get the hint. I feel like I'm bugging her about this "talking to me" stuff, so I don't know whether to just try to live without it or if I should keep on bringing it up.

Mirth

Well, minor update, nothing important.

*The family ended up not coming MLK weekend like she'd hoped, so, it's more waiting for me I guess.

*I finally pried out why she asked for my address before Xmas time; she said that her big present was to get a plane ticket down to my area to visit her dad, and surprise me by showing up at my house around Xmas time! That was like, the sweetest almost surprise anyone has ever said to me!

*She called me today and we talked about her first day of school and things, and at the end when she had to go she said her goodbyes and "love ya", and I said "love ya too", and it was such a great feeling to hear someone say they love me, and it was a great feeling to finally tell somebody that. It feels so weird in such a good way right now!

*But yeah, I usually get a date of when I could "expect" to see her down her, and now she doesn't have any day for me to look forward to... So I'm feeling weird about that, because the soonest I think she could come down here is for vacation in the summer, if that, and I feel I love her, but I don't know if it's worth waiting another 6 months...

telekinetic

How long has this been going on? If you're that wrapped up in her, can you not afford to fly her out (or fly out yourself)? Just roll out for a quick weekend or something, or offer to help her come up there and look around since she's arguably moving out.

__________________
twisted no more

Mirth

We "met" 5 months ago, so it's been a little bit. I'm a bit strapped for cash because the school is taking all of my money, and I'd really feel weird going 1200 miles to meet someone I've never met, just for her alone. And then I'd have to find a hotel an everything because I couldn't stay at her place with her mom and siblings because we just met. I think it's not weird for her to come down here because she has a reason other than me; her father that lives down here, but it'd be weird for me to buy her a plane ticket to do so, and too expensive; plus she has school too now.

I guess I'm just going to wait it out again, which I've been doing for the 24 years of life already...

Strange Famous

You shouldnt kid yourself that everyone else is "normal" and having a happy, feckless, sexy time... most people are screwed up in fact, some way or another, when it comes to matters of sex.

Being a virgin at 24 isnt especially uncommon, and if you really dont want to be one you dont have to be, but I suspect you want to have something more meaningful than a simple screw.

You should go and see her or have her come and see you the next time you have a vacation... how much would a train and a cheap hotel cost? It might work out or it might not, there are too many variables for anyone on here to be able to answer that for you, but if you have strong feelings about her right now, isnt it worth finding out?

And you probably shouldnt ever keep asking yourself why someone likes you - its just a messy business - if they appear to do so its best to accept it. We all see the worst sides of ourselves, or the best, depending on your character - other people are in a position to take a more balanced view.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Mirth

Thanks for your input. As much as I complain about being a virgin, when reading the other members posts on having three/foursomes, one night stand with the coworker, screwing a guys 20 years older than them, I just don't think that sorta stuff is for me, I feel like I wanna try to do something for the long term.

As a bit of an update, she said she's coming in July, and going to be here for the whole month. I was hoping she'd say she'd be coming for Spring Break in march, but I guess not... As far as going out to see her, I've been really low on cash, especially since I just paid for the spring college semester, and my laptop just bit the dust and I need one for school so I just purchased one. With work and school, I don't have a good few days to take off and go up there, and if I did it'd be in the summer, when she's coming down (supposedly).

I'll wait till then, and if she can't come then, then it's over.

Xerxys

Ohh my gosh Mirth.... what the hell.... dude, we do this for experience, the posts here do not reflect what happens every time a guy screws an office secretary or has a threesome!!! Trust me... I know some of the kinky stuff that exists and nothing is "not for you" if you haven't done it. And also, when your young, you really can't make these decisions. Pursue the girl if you that's what you want. But don't let anything else dictate what's over and what's not!! Please, money is a good thing (I love it) but go up there and ... well, just go up there damn it, the rest will happen organically.......

Locobot

1200 miles is two days of interstate driving. Gas is relatively cheap now so you could probably get there for less than you spent at the strip club. Unless her parent's are overly strict they'd probably let you stay on the couch for a few days so I wouldn't rule out a spring break visit.

It's good that you had a fun time at the nudie bar and it made you feel manly and confident but once you're actually in a sexual relationship you'll realize what a lame and pathetic version of sexuality is sold at strip clubs. You've probably already told her about it but if not you are in no way obligated to do so. Some women are into it and will go with you, which can be a lot of fun; but most women are willfully ignorant or silently permissive when it comes to strip clubs. They know guys go to them, they know what goes on, but they don't want to hear about it.

Mirth

Thanks for the additional input, fellas. On top of the time and money issue, my car wouldn't make the trip that far; it's a 93 and it gets broken down a lot even when going 30 miles to college. Not trying to make excuses for that one, that's the plain truth.

But yeah, I haven't told her about my little trip to the club... I don't think she's the kinda girl that would want to hear about the guy she loves checking out naked women for his own pleasure. I'm positive she wouldn't mind it if it was before I met her, though.

sadienielson

I've been in nearly this exact situation. (woo, first post after lurking for ages), only it was 3500 miles. We're still patiently waiting, after a year and a half, with one month-long visit in the interim. Some people are worth waiting for, but you have to be absolutely open with each other to keep the trust there. It's easy to get jealous over that distance and its death for the relationship. If you are settling in for the wait, its worth asking.....you've talked to her on the phone and/or via webcam, so you KNOW she's what she's claiming to be, right?
Also, skip the strip club. They're lame.

Mirth

Nice to see someone in the same thing with positive results thus far.

Yeah, we actually had a huge fight over me not trusting her... She acts like I was supposed to believe her in everything she told me, and to be honest, I didn't, because she's still a stranger over the internet that I've never met, but she did have like, 90% of my trust. So, she's pissed at me and told me that she can't do this if I don't trust her, but I told her I trust her fully now. She's still pissed though, and said this is my last chance (because I've screwed up before too). This is so hard, and I feel sooo bad that she's been trusting me 100% and I haven't. Ugh...

Mirth

I can't do it anymore... I thought I could make it another 5 months, but every day has been painful since she told me she's coming in July, and that was only like, 13 days ago... And she never tells me her feelings; like, she'll update her myspace status to "oh no " but like, she never wants to tell me wtf is happening, why she's feeling bad... I thought people who were in love shared their current feelings, shared how their day was. She went like, all day without texting me today (when we text everyday at least once), yet she can spend the time to log onto myspace instead of just saying a quick "hello". And I went to the movies with my best friend who was in town today, and it really saddened me to see like, every guy had a girl with them, and I've never had that in my life.

I don't want to end it because I really love her, but she never wants to talk about things anymore... But I want to end it cause everyday hurts... I don't know what to do, or how to tell her I want her to talk to me more, like she used to. I tried talking to her about it tonight, but I don't think I got through to her... I'm just so lost on what to do...

dippin

First of all, I think you need to cool off and think about what you really feel here.

You have said quite a few times that she doesnt really tell you what is going on with her and how she feels. You even go as far as saying she is a stranger who you only trusted "90%" (which is bunk, you either trust or you don't), and that now you trust her because she got mad at you (which is also bunk, trusting is different from keeping one's feelings to oneself in order to avoid a discussion).

At the same time, you have expressed your sadness over the hurdles in your way not in terms of how you want or miss her, but how you want or need being with a girl. For example, when you said you would have to wait a few more months to actually meet her, you framed it as part of your life long wait to have sex, not your wait to meet her ("I guess I'm just going to wait it out again, which I've been doing for the 24 years of life already...)." And in the last post, you framed your disappointment over your recent arguments with her not as part of the difficulties of your relationship with her, but as part of your disappointment at seeing how many guys were with girls while you were alone and so on. Even when defending your interest on her, it was based on how difficult it is to find a girl in your town.

I might be completely wrong here, but it seems like you don't know this girl all too well, and it seems like your frustrations and sadness come not from not being with this girl, but from not being with a girl.

Now, this might not be the case and I might be wrong, but that is how it has come across to me, and so she might be picking up on these things. I would think about how you really feel, and if you really do like her for her, I would be mindful of these things not to give her the wrong impression.


I would also be mindful of how you ask her about details of what is going on with her life. Gently asking to see if she wants to talk about something is good ("hey, hun, I saw that you were sad. Wanna talk about it?" and then respecting her wishes). Pushing her, making demands and emotional blackmail is very, very bad ("if you really loved me, you would talk to me about this" "why didnt you text me if you had time to check myspace" etc)

Brittnii

I guess I should put in some sort of input since I find myself very fluent in long distant relationships.

I lived in Houston for most of my life and now I feel like I live in the smallest town in the world. When I moved here I started a lot of long distant relationships with people in the bigger cities close to me since the people who were there are more of my type and the people here are....less so. Anyways, if the girl lives in a different state, which I'm assuming she does, then let it be known that you can live two hours away from someone and it will still feel impossible to see them, or find the right means to see them no matter how much you truly want to. The point is, it takes a lot of effort from both sides, not just one side saying "I want to see you so bad, come here" and the other saying "I have to find a way". Did you ever think about maybe splitting the cost for a plane ticket, maybe saving up money that way you only pay half, and so does she. The downside is, like you mention, you two have never met and there has to be some sort of equal trust with the money. I know you pointed out that you love each other, but you also have to be realistic.

Again, I've dated several people I've met online, and even though they are just the next city over, I agree it can be "weird" to drop everything to go see them when you don't technically "know" each other. I've never traveled to go see someone, but they have drove to see me, and even being on the opposite side of just waiting to meet and not actually having input can be nerve racking. So, most likely she will feel just as nervous as you, but you kind of just have to pretend you've hung out all along.

About the "she needs to tell me her feelings" part...
Have you simply told her that you would like to hear about your problems and you think it would progress you two's relationship? You said you were afraid to start a small argument, but in my opinion, those aren't fighting words, they're actually very far from it. It's probably easier then your letting yourself believe.

On a last note; it seems like she is constantly telling you that it won't be long and both of you will be able to meet and be together but, she keeps changing her story. To me that seems like a red flag. I'm not trying to sound negative, I'm just informing you that if it was me I would feel like something wasn't right. Do you have any sort of verification that she does vacation in your town or anything that lets you know she isn't just telling a story? It's not something anyone would want to believe but you just have to be logical, that way, if something isn't right, things don't progress too far and you get hurt. Just ask her what her favorite part of your town was, and simple things like that to get answers if you haven't already talked about it. Anyways, it all comes down to, if you like the girl be patient, maybe she really is trying to make it to you. Be open and honest and have clear communication, remember that sometimes people get busy and don't realize they are ignoring people. Did you try texting her first? Maybe it's a test, we like to do that a lot...

thespian86

I, on the other hand, am in theatre. I'm fairly open, obnoxious, goofy, and, at times, effeminate. And girls love me.

It's all about confidence my man. It's all about confidence. Find something you love, find people you care about; find some sort of foundation. And learn to love yourself. Sex is great, but being happy is better. Trust me.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Mirth

I read you all's replies, but it might be too late. I would love to reply to each reply since my last, but as of the time of this writing, I think it's over... I think we may have ended it, and I'm too heartbroken to reply any further.

-----Added 14/2/2009 at 04 : 28 : 54-----
She broke up with me, pretty much officially... She said she was going to tell me she didn't want to do it anymore last night, but I pulled the final straw today. She said she just needs space and time apart, and I asked her like, I don't know how long she needs and if she's gonna be looking for other guys in the meantime, and she said she doesn't know... After crying for lots of time, I asked her if we can still be friends, and she said "fine". I don't even know if I want that anymore with her. In ways, I feel like killing myself, cause this is the first girl I've loved after 24 years of life, and it's all over, and I feel like it'll be another eternity before someone comes in my life... I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with this pain, it hurts so insanely badly...

dippin

Well, go out with your friends, get a hobby, work overtime on your job, keep yourself busy. Soon you will realize that its not the end of the world, that you can take it, and then you will be much more mature and ready next time around.

Very few people go through life without being dumped. For the majority of us who do get dumped, its a learning opportunity, both in terms of what we want in our next relationship, and how we do survive the break ups.

Mirth

I don't have any friends in town, and my car won't make it that far to where they are. I have SOOO much homework and like, I'm trying to do it and I just can't for the life of me stop thinking about what happened. And like, I'm not doing good in school, and I've been going for like 5 years and still have 1 and a half or more years just to get my bachelors degree, and I can barely afford taking the classes as it is, I feel like giving up in life.

I really, really wanted to be with her. She was like, perfect for me, and I said stuff to screw it up because I was worried she'd find someone else... And in the end, I'm the one that fucked it up. I can't stop crying, I know she was perfect for "me". I know there are other fish in the sea, but she was everything I wanted; beautiful, smart, funny, and made me feel good about myself... Ugh, this hurts so badly...

Bear Cub

No, she wasn't perfect for you.

If she was, there wouldn't have been any of those issues to address. You just THINK she was perfect for you, because it was all you had.

If you honestly think you found the "perfect" person at 23, especially when you've never even really been dating, well, you're probably wrong. Having never really had multiple partners, (and I don't mean sexually), you barely even know what traits you're even looking for in other people, because you haven't really experienced it.

And don't give me the "I'm not the dating/bar/club type" bullshit either, because neither am I. The only difference is that I made up my mind to get off my ass and go meet people. Doesn't matter if you meet them in a bookstore, at school, off OK Cupid, who cares? Just go meet people, whether they're "the one" or not.

You'll quickly learn the good and the bad in people, and it will open you up to a world of opportunities and give you a fresh outlook that you never even knew was out there. It's amazing how often people who aren't someone's "type" end up being their "type" after all, and the people you think are "perfect" for you are just the opposite.

Suck it up, get over it, and don't be a loser. Everyone does the woe is me shit for a while. Once you get out and meet some people, you'll realize how asinine that attitude really is.

__________________
Living in the United Socialist States of America.

genuinegirly

Difficult times. Heal by getting off your bum and finding some friends nearby - it'll be a healthy distraction. Even if those friends are 80 and you're just playing Bridge on a Friday night, at least you'll be out and about.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy