Mirth

She was everything I wanted in a girl, it's just that I have a hard time trusting people on the internet. Like, I loved how family oriented she was, she cares so much about her baby brother and sister, like a mother to them, and she's a smart girl and she makes me laugh and makes me happy and she's beautiful. She may not be perfect, but she has everything that I've been looking for in my life. And she's one of the few girls who told me they aren't disgusted by my appearance, she said she thinks I'm cute. I've been looking for everything that she already has in a woman....

My plan is to win her back. She said she needed a break, needed space, and not sure if she's going to find someone else in the meantime, but I'm going to do what it takes to win her back.

Manic_Skafe

If your self-esteem issues run that deep then you really should talk to a therapist before you even consider being in a relationship with someone.

You've been given some awesome advice in this thread - keep reading until it starts to sink in.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Mirth

Yeah, I don't have the money or the time for therapy sessions...

Anyways, she texted me tonight after all the needing space crap... She said hi, acting like everything was fine, and I tried to too. Then she told me "I went out with a guy from school tonight to see how i would feel..." I asked how it went, and she said "Weird feeling hence the sitting here...i had fun... Then I saw you texted me n it hurt" (cause I texted her goodnight at 10:30). I asked if she likes him, and she said, "I do but i dont feel how i did when we were doing okay". I told her I understand and that I screwed up again. and i still have feelings for her, and she said "I know but we need space to clear the air..."

It makes me wonder if she's been acting weird to me for the past few days (which is why I brought up her not telling me her feelings and stuff) because she had planned to hang out with this guy, because she said she likes him... Like, how could she rebound so quickly and just hang out with a guy that she now likes so quickly off the bat since what had happened... I just dunno anymore, except that I still want her...

Plan9

You want someone, but I'm not so sure it's her. Maybe it's the idea of her. Or her secondary sex characteristics. Or the emotional satisfaction that we often fabricate when we're allowed to engage in the reproductive hip thrust dance. "Man, I just got laid and that totally means I'm a normal manly-man." That "walkin'-on-sunshine!" self-validation that's mostly puffed up bullshit. You don't need it to be successful and if you got it, you'd probably still be just as confused as you are now.

I'd recommend fortifying yourself with hobbies and guy friends. You're stressing yourself out with your own imaginary time line. Getting into one person too deep here, hoss. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that unique/special/gnarly... because if they were, they wouldn't want to waste their time on someone who's neglecting themselves and may/may not be building a closet shrine.

...

BTW: Screw E-Harmony. It's for Jeebus-lovers and old people (no offense to either category, but seriously). You need to sign on to OkCupid or PlentyOfFish and post half a dozen pictures of your bad self, throw up some grammatically-correct paragraphs detailing your eclectic interests / hobbies and your life goals. Easy, free, and good to go. Also consider yourself in the pictures you have of yourself: are you doing anything that makes you look interesting? If not, you should change that first 'n pronto before you try to lure in a partner. What do you bring to the table? If a quick self inventory reveals that it ain't much, that's the source of your problem - not relationship woes. Other people don't complete us as human beings, they just complement us really well sometimes. You need to a stand alone genuine article before anything else.

I think it should be mandatory that nervous adults hook up with someone they'll never see again as their introductory encounter to the opposite sex. No shame, no bullshit, and no worries later.

It worked for me, anyway.

Despite the smooth spot.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Mirth

Thanks for your response Crompsin, your posts always bring a smile to my face. I'm in a phase now where that I'm starting to realize that sometimesthings just aren't meant to be and to just move on, but in this phase I'm also feeling I want her still so badly... I have so much homework and I'm not doing so well in my classes, and the past few days I keep trying to do my homework but I just can't focus; I really need this phase to end soon.

I really have no good pics of me doing anything interesting... And it's not like I can like take a fake photo of myself doing something interesting, haha. I only have a stupid webcam on my laptop if that says anything. e-harmony mostly sucks for me due to the prices, it's just sooo expensive. But I will give the other two you mentioned a go, if I can find a way to get a good picture of me somehow.

In the profile though, I don't know if I should put a disclaimer that I've never had a girlfriend or a kiss and whatnot; as in, no relationship experience. Like, I really hate and feel awkward when someone asks when was my first girlfriend or kiss, and I have to tell em never. So I don't know if I should have it as a warning ahead of time...



-----Added 15/2/2009 at 10 : 27 : 11-----
Edit: Ugh, this sucks...

I wanted to say one last goodbye to her this morning in texting, for closure. So I said "Hey" and said happy 6-month anniversary (Which is today) and she said "you too". She said she got the message I sent to her last night about being jealous that she was hanging out with someone she might pursue, but I told her of course I'm going to be jealous, it's human nature, and of course I'm wondered if she wanted to pursue him further. She said "Do you want to know if I do?" I said, Well I'm curious to know, but not because I'm worried. She said "Ok... then you will be the first to know.", as if, she doesn't even know yet. I asked her if she could tell me what her feelings are toward me now. She said "I still love you but im just frustrated and i need space from us."

And I really do believe that she means it... If she was trying to just let me go slowly, she'd never mention that she loves me still, because that would want me to keep hanging on. I believe this girl with all of my heart, and I don't know what to do...

I'm typing up a letter to her, telling her how much I loved her, and telling me that I don't have time for her to think about it, I need to know soon whether to move on or not.

Even whilst all this, I still want to date. So yeah, I wanted HER to be my first kiss, my first fuck, my first love, and she only got the last one from me. And she really, really appreciates that I've never been with anyone before, and I've always wanted someone to appreciate what I feel I've worked hard for in life.

So basically, I don't know whether to end it with her all together, or to put her on the backburner and still try to find a date.

I'm just so confused on what to do now. I hope that sounds like the right thing.

genuinegirly

You mention homework. You also say you don't have enough money to attend therapy. If you are at a university or college, there are always (ok, not always, but almost always - thanks to the incidents at Columbine and Virginia Tech) free mental health services available to students. Ask around. Find them. It'll help to talk to someone to get over this breakup.

You are obsessing. It is not healthy for yourself. It is not healthy for a relationship.

DON'T WRITE THAT LETTER.

You are wasting your heart on someone who is making a concerted effort to move on.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Mirth

The campus I go to is not the main campus (which is 2 hours away); it's so small, 3 buildings, we barely even have any teachers there (mostly live-TV classes). I really doubt they have any mental guys to talk to on that campus.

And I feel I have to write this letter for closure, for myself.

dippin

Man, you are all over the place. From wanting to die, to being determined to get her back, to wanting closure in a 24 hour period. Now, every girl and every relationship is different, but let me tell you a few things that apply to your situation for sure:

- I know plenty of women who are turned on by inexperienced guys. But I don't know ANY woman who is turned on by a desperate guy. The vast majority of your posts always come back to how you've never been with a woman, how women find you disgusting, etc. If you come off like this to a girl, you will never be with one.

- Pressuring someone to constantly display their affection for you never works. If I read what you posted right, AFTER she asked for space, you have sent several text messages a day celebrating some "anniversary," asking about her social life, how she feels about other guys, how she feels towards you, and now you are writing a letter. This is not space, this is coming on extra hard.

- Stop making excuses for yourself. Unless you live in a deserted island, nothing is stopping you from going out and making new friends and meeting new people. This whole "all my friends live far away and I am too poor to drive there" is no more than an excuse to protect yourself from actually having to go out there and talking to people.

Mirth

Yeah, I want to, but I don't know how. I think I'll try the online dating sites, but I'll make sure the girl is close to me this time. It wasn't my fault this girl kept telling me that they were moving down here a month after we online-met, but was pushed till this July.

Anyways, she called me today. She was really crying, and she usually has a monotone type voice where she doesn't show emotion, but she was crying, pausing a lot, and had an uneasy tone in her voice. The summary of it is that she "needs" to feel closeness with somebody. Ever since her 1 night stand at 18, she's felt she's needed to feel close with somebody. That's why she wants to go on dates and hang out with guys and stuff... She said she still loves me, and she needs space until she's able to come down here in July, and if I haven't found anybody, she wants to be with me and give me a try. She wants me to date and be happy...

She also made it seem like I'm too perfect for her. She said that I don't have a past, and she does, that I've done everything right and she hasn't... I thought doing what I did in life, waiting for the right person, was a good thing... I guess it really fucked me over in the end.

So, I guess I'm going to try to move on. I want to start to be normal. I want to ask random girls at my school if they want to be my friend right out of the blue. I want to date women. I want to accept that I'm not terribly ugly, only slightly. I don't know how to do this or how to start, but I must.

Strange Famous

Why do you feel that youre the one to blame for it ending?

To be honest it sounds to me like she was not as committed as you to the whole thing. Maybe she liked having the idea of a relationship without having the real life commitment to actually do it, and the more you pushed to actually meet, she got scared and backed out - and you just blame yourself because you dont have a lot of confidence?

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Mirth

Well, she still says when she comes down here she wants to go through with it. I mean, I'm not holding my breath on it, and I'm not waiting exclusively for her anymore because of what she did to me, but I'm not sure that she's not committed. And I blame myself because everything I have done in my life has always been wrong and gotten me nowhere, so I just blame myself for everything nowadays because it's to only reason why things don't work out for me.

thespian86

This is how to start.

You are NOT what you've done or not done.

You ARE who you are.

Is being a virgin just a fact about you, or is it all you are? You are a person. Be a person. Not what you think a person is. Just be. Have confidence in being. It's really simple. Just speak, and laugh, and cry, and breathe. Just be dude. Simple.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Mirth

I'm working on it. I just got done running 2 and a half miles today, my 3rd time this week. Feeling kinda better. I'm kinda feeling over her, but have a tiny bit of love. She's going to tell me she loves me still, and that won't help me, but I don't want to lose her friendship for when she comes down here, as she is a really great person and we have a ton of the same interests. I guess I have to tell her to stop saying she loves me.

I asked 4 girls who are friends of my weird friend if they want to have sex, but all of them said no. I'm just trying to do something different. Trying to be the opposite of who I was; shy, not confident, and always waiting for the perfect girl. People make regrets, and I want to have regrets now. Bring it on.

Also, if anyone has any advice on how I can approach women at the college, let me know. Due to being ugly, I have to make a quick impression, or get to the point right away. I actually want female friends. I was thinking of just saying Hi, my name is so and so, she says hi, i'm so and so, and I say do you want to be my friend. That is quick and to the point. One out of 20 is bound to say yes and not think of it as being creepy.

Jimellow

I wouldn't recommend having sex just for the sake of having sex. Furthermore, if you ask a girl you aren't close to if she wants to have sex, and she says yes, that is likely going to say a lot about her character and the type of girl she isn't.

In the majority of your posts you said you were looking for a longer term girl, and I wouldn't stray from that path just in an attempt to lose your virginity.

Also, I would be careful about trying to be something you aren't. If you paint a false picture, the girl will be falling for a false character you've created, and in time, when your true self arises, she very likely will be turned off. It's better to be yourself and be patient than mold yourself into something else entirely just to get a girl.


It's been a said a few times in this thread (and I admittedly haven't read the entire thing thoroughly), but you have to lose the notion that you're ugly. If you enter every social interaction with the presumption that you are ugly or inferior, you are stacking the cards greatly against yourself before you even say a word.

Humans aren't robots. Society and the media try to create the notion that we are ugly and need to spend money on beauty products, buy boob jobs, and generally do whatever we can to increase our attractiveness. I tend to think it's mostly bullshit, very fake, and ultimately results in people buying into being a disingenuous representation of some standard that is unreachable anyway.

In regards to meeting ladies. It can be tricky, but I'd write down the activities you enjoy doing and then seeing if you can go somewhere social to take part in them. If you are in a social situation doing things you genuinely enjoy, and meet someone else there, they're like going to share this interest, and that is a discussion piece. Again, I would recommend just being yourself, and not trying to trick anyone into liking, or being interested in, you.

Also, I think you are making an unfair assumption that there are all these negative qualities associated with you, and that these girls are perfect, thus placing them in another league. Generally, people are more concerned about their own deficiencies than those of others, and it's very true that no one is perfect.

To be blunt, a friend once told me to never put "pussy on a pedestal," and the meaning I took from that is that while it's natural to be attracted to someone, it's best to be realistic and realize they likely have flaws and are self conscious about them, just as much as you are your own. They might seem perfect, but realistically, no one is perfect.

Looking back, I also wouldn't recommend pursuing a potential mate that lives so far away for a first time true romance. It's not good advice to shut doors, but a large amount of distance between the two of you adds a slew of potential issues that go well beyond the normal ones that are likely to occur between people that can easily see each other a few times a week.

It's easy for people to paint a pretty picture of themselves on social sites like MySpace and/or online dating sites, but I feel that meeting a person in reality is the best way to get a read on their character and who they are. If the person lives thousands of miles away, your mind is left to fill in a lot of gaps, and that is going to result in an increased chance of making the person even more amazing and desirable than they would be if you had met them first hand in the flesh.

Lastly, forcing relationships is often a bad idea. Desperation often results in a lowering of standards as a means for settling for something, instead of what you would otherwise; the general mindset being "I don't like being single, and this person isn't that amazing, in fact, I'm not really that attracted to them, but they're someone, and I think I'd prefer a relationship with them more than I would being single."

I tend to prefer being single over in an unfulfilling relationship, though it can be trying at times. Seeing happy couples and watching sitcoms on TV where everyone is happy; a place where relationship struggles are present, but ultimately cute and funny, makes it difficult to face the reality of being single, but I'm of the mindset that being single can be a wonderful thing; unless you truly meet a great partner that enhances your life.

Such people are out there, but you aren't going to find it unless it's natural. Don't force it. Just be patient and try to enter yourself in more social situations where you can meet others with similar interests.

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

Mirth

Thank you for taking the time to read the whole thread; it seems as if it's as long as a novel now, hehe.

Yeah, I kinda feel wrong now for even thinking about wanting some quick nookie. I guess I just felt like, I wanna know what I'm missing out on, what other people have and have experienced.

And yeah, I really don't think I'll ever do a long distance relationship again. I've learned my lesson. People need to be together and meet as soon as they are able to. And I need to start "trying" to be confident. I have to accept my looks, whether they are good or bad, everybody had different opinions on looks, so maybe some will find me ugly and some will find me cute like this girl did.

And true, I don't want to settle with just anyone just because I'm lonely... But I don't want to sit on my buns and do nothing for another 24 years. But then I don't know how. But I have to learn... I will try to go to and do things at places where people share a similar interest. I don't have a lot of hobbies, but the ones I do have I will have to try to get out in the world more and meet people who do them too.

Thank you for your advice. Every bit I get counts.

Mirth

So I cried like, all Sunday. Then Monday, I became like, a new man. I have no clue why, but I feel so confident now, and open and goofy and stuff! I don't even think I'm ugly anymore! And then I shaved to get a fresh look, took some pics and signed up for okcupid.com, and I got a lot of views! One person messaged me saying "Damn you're cute!!! Too bad you live so far, we have a lot in common!" From her profile, she's not my type (is like, a sex fiend), but it felt really good for someone to tell me that! And today at school, I finally asked the teacher a question instead of just holding back. Doesn't sound like a big deal to some, but for me it is.

Oh yeah, then the long distance girl (main character of the thread) called me. Uh, yeah, long story...

high_jinx

you need to be more of a fan of yourself. that means taking all the time and thought and energy you were pouring into her and finding a way to channel it into yourself. go ahead and mourn... make a cape out of a sheet and sing journey and dave matthews songs in your room.... but get it out your system and be done with it. what was "boyish" when you were younger can be turned into aging well now that you're older.

talking to people and girls and being social is just like learning a new video game or how to paint or play a guitar. you can read about it, practice it, and get better at it. do so, and you'll feel a million times better.

when you become a fan of yourself, you'll be surprised how fast you pick up other fans, especially groupies.

__________________
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

Mirth

The thing I always had a problem with when it comes to learning how to be friends with people and stuff is that, you can learn how to play a guitar and become good at it, but the guitar has no feelings and doesn't care that you used it for practice. I've always hated making people feel awkward, so I couldn't ever really "practice" on people because they are human beings with emotions. Like, if I said something weird and they got offended, I'd feel bad...

But, anyways, really long story short, I think this girl wants to get back together. She called me on Monday; I wasn't going to pick up the phone, but I did. She was crying like hell because her dog needed surgery by that day in order to live and she had to pay $7500 to get the surgery or just let it die, and her dad is saying she's crazy for paying that much; I really had no choice but to comfort her... at least because I really want her friendship. She said, as she was still crying, that she felt that God was punishing her for being so selfish and self-centered with me. Eh... I dunno... But, today she says they are going to come in April, and she still needs a bit of space (huh?) but she's gonna behave and not self-centered anymore and she's going to wait (but what does the space mean?). That's cool with me, but I don't think I'm going to stop looking locally. I'm going to continue to try to get out in the open and just see what happens.

high_jinx

the thing about that is you have no control over how you make other people feel. you could either rub someone the wrong way or totally make someone's day just by saying hello or striking up a conversation the exact same way.

here's an analogy... i have a musician friend who's struggling with drinking. they tell me that they don't feel comfortable playing a show sober. but the only reason for that is because they've played dozens of shows drunk and only 1 or 2 shows sober. it's outside their own comfort zone. if they just practiced playing sober and got used to it, they would be able to pull it off just as easily as drunk. the crowd they play to, on the other hand would form it's own opinion seperately, just depending on how that particular show went.

just remember that you could just as easily really positively effect someone by "practicing" socializing with them as you could being awkward, but every following attempt you make at socializing will be helped by the practice you put in today. if you really want it, it's there just like any other skill.

back to the girl... it seems obvious to me that she could like you, but it's going to have to be on her terms. this means that anytime you take one step toward her, she'll take 3 steps away from you. if you can stay focused and healthy and not spiral out of control with a crush on her, then try to treat her like a stray kitty... be nice, and pet her when she comes around, but don't try to chase her because the natural reaction when being chased is to flee. just keep being a fan of yourself and what you got going on, and don't get your hopes up. that way the only thing you might get is a pleasant surprise instead of a bitter disappointment.

__________________
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

Mirth

Just wanted to use this as a sort of journal for myself, so here it goes. It officially ended on 4-6-2009. Was a good almost 8 month run... That's all I can say as I'm too heartbroken to say anymore...