When to end a complicated friendship?
 

Hey all, I feel kinda bad about largely only posting when I have some catastrophic issue happening in my life, but at the same time that is when I need all these viewpoints at once.

So ok, some hasty background. This girl, Susan, and I have been best friends since very early on in my Freshmen year in college. I fell for her before too long, and seemingly, she fell for me as well. She was unsure of what she wanted, however, so I waited, and we ended up going through many of the motions of being in a relationship anyway, and were fine with being openly flirty and to all outside observers, we appeared to be dating. Fast forward to late fall-early winter of sophomore year, and she realized and told me that she did not have any romantic feelings for me, and that her confusion was finally over. I, somewhat unsurprisingly, still had feelings for her, and was actually in denial for a good 2 months or so, as it was so sudden and out of nowhere.

She and I stayed friends, but things were without a doubt more complicated. It was also very open between us that I still had feelings for her.
I had a girlfriend spring of sophomore year, but I literally ended it after a week as I realized that my new GF was just being a stand-in for Susan. I even almost said Susan's name to her when we were together. Oof. But yes, finally come to this year, I'm a Junior, and both of us are studying abroad, and it came out through us talking when I was visiting her for a week over a break of mine, that she had hooked up with a couple of guys. Obviously I was hurt, but what bothered me most is that she had continually been lying about things to me. I understand that she has her right to privacy, but the lying started after we had already started talking about it. Over the course of several hours, more and more details came out, that she kept admitting she had lied about, in regards to how many people and what she had done.

This was a little over a month ago, and I had forgiven her for keeping it from me originally, as I would have done the same thing, not wanting to hurt someone, but as time has gone on now, she has admitted to more and more lies, and has even had sex with one of the guys. That is not all that relevant I guess, as it is not the main issue.

What the main issue is, is that after all this, particularly with having insecurities about lying, and when I made it very clear from the inception of our friendship, that truth and communication were very important to me, that I cannot trust her anymore. Her promises about doing certain things often go unfulfilled, and I don't even know if what she is telling me now is the truth, a part truth, or a total lie. My knee-jerk reaction is to just finally take this as an opportunity to not worry about her feelings, but to worry about mine, and I planned to just stop talking to her indefinitely. Not in a childish way, like ignoring her, but if she asks, I will make it clear, and I really just need to not be in contact with her anymore right now. And honestly, I could probably go several weeks to a month without talking to her without her thinking something is up, as she is generally not so great at communication.

After writing all that, I feel that I probably answered my own question a bit, but I would like input on the situation in the vein of, is this too extreme, am I over-reacting, etc. Or anything else you feel the need or want to comment on. Thanks in advance.

It sounds like your main feelings for her are actually jealousy,possesiveness and bitterness; hardly the hallmarks of a healthy friendship.

If you can't leave your romantic feelings behind like she has, then it's time to end the friendship. Just find a better way to do it than ignoring her like a sullen child.

It's hardly fair to punish her for moving on with her romantic life.

I wasn't meaning that I was going to stop talking to her as a punishment, but because I need time away from her to evaluate what I actually feel about all of this. I kinda see dropping off contact for a while as the only way to clear my head on this matter. Maybe I used indefinitely wrong, but what I meant is, do not talk to her until I have sorted things out, so basically, just don't talk to her for a while. Probably for the rest of Study Abroad.

Move on, she never was what you wanted her to be, and she never will be. It's not complicated, she didn't want to be your girlfriend, didn't want to be w/ just one guy. I know it sucks, really I do. The sooner you move on, the better off you'll be.

My guess is that she's finally telling you this stuff because a) she values your friendship and trusts you or b) would like you to back the fuck off. I'm leaning more towards B.

As Fresnelly put it, you are acting jealous, possessive, and bitter. Everything an ex (or current bf) would do, not a friend. If it's been that long and you haven't realized how OBVIOUS it is that she doesn't want you, then I think you should end the friendship. Part in good terms. As you get older, you realize that sometimes you have to let people go. No matter how hard it is.

Not trying to be rude or anything. /:

Go for a walk. Away from her. Wrap yourself up in something else for the time being.

I find sleeping early is usually the best way to get away from caring too much about a girl.

I had a quasi-girlfriend in College too. I was busy preparing for the LSATs, she was busy getting drunk and blacking out with other dudes every weekend. A lot of suspicious activity, which made me uncomfortable. I eventually walked away.

Good luck.

The original question without the soap opera drama:
When to end a complicated friendship?
When it becomes complicated.

Very few people stay friends with the people they dated, especially if it ended on a sour note. Act like a man and walk away, quit acting like you're in high school. Don't entertain drama and don't feed it, just see it as a non-issue and it will go away, one way or another.

Not trying to be a dick on purpose (I know I am being one though) but seriously, you need to grow up. You are not dating her, who cares what she did now. Water under the bridge and all that.

Get on with your life, & quit worrying about how she's living her life. Perhaps in the future the two of you will reconnect as friends, but for that to happen you first have to let go of the possessive feelings that you have towards her. If the two of you wind up going your separate ways, deal with it, & accept it.

You want her as a GF. She doesn't want you as a BF. The relationship will always be a clusterfuck. Look at yourself! She's your friend and you're feeling jealous about who she is with or what she's doing. She's not your friend, she's the GF you wish you had but can't have. Stay away from that relationship because it will only keep going down and down.

Coming from someone who has been there, stop it now before you get hurt even more. Drawing this out is just going to be make worse. Relate it to a bandaid on a hairy arm. Ripping it off will hurt like hell in the beginning, but the pain will go away. Letting it set will make more and more stickier. When you try to slowly pull it off later, it's going to hurt alot long and maybe take all of your hair with it. End it, walk away, go get a bottle of liquor, drink, yell, get angry, cry, throw up, whatever it takes to get over it. It will hurt more the longer you put it off. The people before me are right, you ARE bitter. I know, I was too and I denied it the whole time. Friendships shouldn't be complicated, that's what relationships are for.

Wait, what? That's not obvious at all. You're (arguably) her friend, you should be happy for her! If you're feeling jealous, it's because you are the one who is lying in this relationship, not her. It's perfectly normal not to share all details of all aspects of ones sexual life with their friends--she behaved perfectly appropriately. You, however, have inappropriate jealous feelings towards her. She could be having sex with three guys and a donkey at once right now and you'd have no right as a friend to feel indignant or jealous about it. You could be worried for her safety and sanity

Wait...she even had sex with one? I thought that's what 'hooked up' meant? What did she do with the rest of them? I'm confused! Nevertheless, three points come immediately to mind:

1. She basically told you all of this knowing it would drive home the point that she isn't interested in you and never will be
2. There is no friendship, there is you wishing you could date her and her liking your company and emotional support (assuming she's not an idiot, she's not blameless here, either--she knows she's stringing you along)
3. For the mental health of both of you, you need to make a clean and permanent break...delete phone numbers, defriend myspace, etc etc. Do it, do it now! You're not even dating for goodness sake!

Seems simple to me. If being in any kind of relationship with her is causing you some sort of grief that you cant get over, end it. You want honesty and she lies? Quit being a pansy and end it.

Walk away. Leave. Get out. Give her the honesty you wanted her to give you. Tell her flat out, "I can't do this" and walk away. Don't call, don't email, don't "run into" her. Does it suck? Yes, but it's better to spend "X" weeks straightening yourself out than "X" months/years figuring out that it didn't work anyway.

I've burned a few female bridges in my time, and I never regret any of it.

Re-read this once a day, and follow it to the letter. (except the part about the donkey)

and one more thing...

next time you like someone and there's a window where you can mack, man up and seal the deal. part of the problem is that you had an open window and let it close and always regretted it. that window is always limited with girls. they never wait around and then you're stuck, pigeon-holed as a limp-dicked "justfriend".

I literally just did it, so sorry if I'm brief. I'm still pretty fucked up, but I just wanted to thank you guys for your advice, particularly the people who were not dicks about it (even though I can understand that being harsh is sometimes needed). It really helped to have everyone saying the same thing, and a lot of different voices all saying it. Thanks again.

Grats-

now to feel better, go do some shit to build yourself up. if you're a musician, write a song... if you're a mechanic, fix a car... you get the idea. the more things you do to build yourself up, the sooner you recover and move on to the next chapter of your life.

I'm a little late to the game it seems, but i'll add some change to the pot.

LET GO
take 5 deep breathes
listen to a few birds sing
know that what you really want (a person with all the things that she is not) is out there just waiting for you to let go of her before popping into your life
smile with confidence in that

breathe again
rinse repeat

Good job man. Way to sack up (and I mean that in the best possible sense) :thumbsup:

Now prove to your self that you can STICK TO IT! If this girl was willing to keep you around for emotional support, that means you must be a pretty decent guy, and when the right lady comes along, and there is mutual attraction and interest, you'll be good to go and better off besides!

It'll work out for you. Pull yourself together (I don't mean immediately) and go have some fun.

good job. I think you'll find yourself much happier now that you've ended an unhealthy relationship. Just live life and have fun.