Parental problems. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Leviathan[NCV] · 06-29-2003, 10:28 PM

I'm hoping you guys can provide a little insight, as I'm a tad hot on the issue right now.

A little background: I'm a bastard child; my father is a police officer in the phoenix area, paid child support for the last 16 or so years. Likes to offer things, but when it comes to calling him on them, he can back out of situation in the lamest way. No longer in contact with him nor will I ever be.
My mother basically raised me for 15 years, (long, screwed up joy), and then she met this guy on the internet who lived in Alaska, and I suppose things went well. We moved up there, and about 8 months later they got married.
I hate this guy, with every last part of me, and I would like nothing more than to be the cause of his removal from this earth. No, this is not just misguided teenage rage, it is a simple amount of built up hate that came over the years. Anyone and everyone who followed along with the situation could understand it, and overwhelmingly agreed with it, yes even a professional counselor. I've missed my entire high school years due to him (no, I never went to high school), and to a lesser extent my mother, who simply follows. He is simply a grade A asshole.
About three years ago their efforts to have a child resulted in my half brother, who is autistic. The father's side of the family has some... less than adept people. He still doesn’t talk, but is a quite happy child. Ignorance is bliss, and it holds so very true.
I finally left home thanks to the graciousness of my family members, who gave me a great home for 8 months, as they knew what a screwed up situation I was coming from and did everything they could to steer me in the right direction. Bit of a tight situation, but was extremely beneficial in my journey of life. In October, as I was still a resident of Alaska, I would be receiving my dividend. In a few emails with my mother, she had mentioned that 'they have been doing a lot of checking in to see if people are still in state'. Of course this did nothing but bring me to the realization that she was pondering keeping it herself. Even the thought that she would do something like that agitated me beyond belief. I did something wrong, and checked her email (it's hosted on my server) and found a message from her husband stating 'I can't tell you what to do with Leviathan's dividend, only you can decide'. This brought on rather large amount of anger from my end, and I completely disowned her for the better part of a month. It would still be this way had not my family strongly stressed to repair the relationship now, as I would want it when I got older. I then moved to Tacoma, with an extremely good friend of mine whom I roomated with for three months, before I got a good chunk of money, and he forced me to fly.
Since then, life hasn’t been half bad.
But then to present day, my savings is down, I'm out of work, an entire month in two days, and have roughly 4 months left after paying for school (going to college full time - year round). My school schedule is extremely busy, I have two hardcore math classes every quarter, which I need to receive a 3.0 in or better in order to continue to the university I wish to go to. This makes finding a job hard, let alone that even working full time at McDonalds just won't pay all the bills.
Tonight, as I did a quick alt-tab out of a game of diablo2 with a friend, I find an email from someone I knew from when I lived in Colorado (who recently married a nice girl in Alaska), stating that there's been a problem with my mother, and he doesn't know what’s going on.
So I call the number stated, and talk to my mother. Seems some sort of altercation in-between her and my step dad happened, and he filed assault charges on her. The story I got from my mother was "he was carrying (half-brother) and wouldn't give him to me (blah). I do not doubt that she may have hit him, but this is most definitely a first time incident. She mentioned that I may need to come up there to help out. There is nothing I can really help with, and chances are all I'll do is get myself into a problem, that while I'll get out of, still can't deal with properly at this point in time.

I want no part of this whole situation, I moved out for a reason, and never wish to go back for any more than a visit. To such an extent that I will kill myself before that happens.
While, there are very very few things that would make me happier than paying my stepfather back for those years, I quite outpace him in both size and strength, I know that it will likely lead to a loss of control, and I do not wish to handle the consequences of killing a man. There is nothing I can offer my mother, besides the fact that she has no choice but to repair her relationship with her husband. She is disabled, overweight, and quickly developing diabetes. She can't work, and taking care of my brother is a full time job within itself. Despite all this, she *is* my mother.

If you actually took the time to read all of this, I appreciate your concern, and this was mainly just someplace for me to organize all of my thoughts at the moment, as well as calm down, as a time of rage is no place for logical thinking. I’d appreciate your thoughts on the whole situation.

Thanks,

Leviathan

rockzilla · 06-29-2003, 11:54 PM

Wow, that's a dilemma. I've got a similar relationship with my dad, my stepdad is great though. The closest thing to advice I can offer is that you have to ask yourself if your love for your mom outweighs your hate for your stepdad. Think long and hard about if you can really leave your mother to that kind of situation. If you're anything like me, I owe absolutely everything that I am to my mom and would do anything to help her. You'll probably cool down and think about this rationally, and I certainly don't envy your situation. Just make sure that you firmly believe in your stance, abandoning a family member often hurts you as much as the one who gets abandoned.

tricks · 06-30-2003, 12:11 AM

As terrible as this sounds, your mom picked her situation and you picked yours, to get away. Going back to 'help out' sounds like it would just put you in the same 'assault' situation she found herself in and would probably not accomplish anything. The dividend check should show you the way your mother is leaning as well. The money was more important to her.

The fact that you got your life together, got out of there, got into school, and aren't in major therapy is a testament to your strength. You need to stay as far away as possible. She didn't bother to call you and tell you what was going on. She didn't reach out to you. You're trying to drag yourself back into the situation and you should feel no responsibility reguarding what's going on.

Sorry to play the bad guy.

losfp · 06-30-2003, 01:34 AM

Well to paraphrase... only you can decide what to do. All the rest of us are just some idiots on an internet chatroom. Good luck, and I hope all goes well

dtheriault · 06-30-2003, 04:09 AM

you need to talk to a professional counselor/psych at least once. casually mentioning suicide and murder is not the healthiest frame of mind.

that being said. going back home is like pluging a black hole with a sink. there's just a bit too much disfunction going on there for a young adult with limited means to help. i would continue going to school, get a great job, find a supportive spouse and then you can deal with the situation from a position of relative strength.

good luck and i'm serious about finding someone to talk about this with who had more training than some po folks on tfp

dt

blkdmnd · 07-01-2003, 05:35 AM

Damn, what would Dr. Laura say?!? I think I would be inclined to ignore the whole situation. Tricks is right about the dividend thing. Shows you where you Mom's mind is. Still, she is your mother.

I think you should stay in school until you graduate and then you can get a job and do some good. Mom should realize how important your education is and should let you finish and not be a distraction.

Sounds to me like she's going to need more help in the future than she needs right now. Good luck.

giblfiz · 07-05-2003, 07:23 PM

I agree with dtheriault, if you go back there now it will be like throwing a toothpick of sanity into a volcano of disfunction. The only thing that will change is the toothpick will burn (and YOUR the toothpick)
Give your mom as much support as you can over the phone, and if you manage to get some good money you might even want to send her some, but don't go back, it won't help anything and it will burn you. (also if you send money don't loan... give never loan money to people you care about)
I don't envy you your situation but at least you have enugh distance that you can keep your sanity.

guthmund · 07-05-2003, 09:49 PM

All I can say is

"Once you clean the shit off your shoes, you don't go tramping back in the barnyard..."

(thanks grandpa

)

Hard8s · 07-14-2003, 08:53 PM

I'm with guthmund on this one!

Peetster · 07-15-2003, 04:23 AM

Read the entire thing. Twice.

You have a lot going for you. You might have come from a crappy situation with fairly disfunctional parent models, but you are intelligent, articulate and situationally aware. Hell, you have a server that you know how to interact with. That's not insignificant.

For you: Plot a course and start your life. Figure out what and where and who you want to be.

As for your Mom: You are right, she will always be your Mom. You already know she has issues. Love her anyway.

Regarding your stepdad: Your Mom picked him. Be polite. You do NOT have to like him, but you must not be rude to him. Suck it up and just be civil.

As far as the whole entitlement thing, let it go. It doesn't matter. Plot a course for your life, and it will all become moot.

Hope this helps.

dragon2fire · 07-15-2003, 06:33 AM

peetster is right on this one

sexymama · 07-15-2003, 02:10 PM

There is one piece missing here, you are an adult. You are responsible for yourself and only yourself (unless you have your own children.) Your mom is an adult and she is responsible for herself. It is not your job to take care of your mother. Although in times of need it is great if you can be there for her, you are not obligated and should not be guilted into anything! I agree with Tricks, you are obviously an intelligent human being. You are doing what you can to better your life. Take care of yourself first, then you will have more to offer down the road. Part of taking care of yourself, however, is to seek some "major counsoling." There is nothing wrong with seeking guidance and a way to "deal with" the past. You didn't have the best of lives growing up. It is up to you now to empower yourself by dealing with the past, learning how it effects you today, and preparing for your future. Best of luck and let us know what happens!

06-29-2003, 10:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
Leviathan[NCV] Well... Location: afk	Parental problems. I'm hoping you guys can provide a little insight, as I'm a tad hot on the issue right now. A little background: I'm a bastard child; my father is a police officer in the phoenix area, paid child support for the last 16 or so years. Likes to offer things, but when it comes to calling him on them, he can back out of situation in the lamest way. No longer in contact with him nor will I ever be. My mother basically raised me for 15 years, (long, screwed up joy), and then she met this guy on the internet who lived in Alaska, and I suppose things went well. We moved up there, and about 8 months later they got married. I hate this guy, with every last part of me, and I would like nothing more than to be the cause of his removal from this earth. No, this is not just misguided teenage rage, it is a simple amount of built up hate that came over the years. Anyone and everyone who followed along with the situation could understand it, and overwhelmingly agreed with it, yes even a professional counselor. I've missed my entire high school years due to him (no, I never went to high school), and to a lesser extent my mother, who simply follows. He is simply a grade A asshole. About three years ago their efforts to have a child resulted in my half brother, who is autistic. The father's side of the family has some... less than adept people. He still doesn’t talk, but is a quite happy child. Ignorance is bliss, and it holds so very true. I finally left home thanks to the graciousness of my family members, who gave me a great home for 8 months, as they knew what a screwed up situation I was coming from and did everything they could to steer me in the right direction. Bit of a tight situation, but was extremely beneficial in my journey of life. In October, as I was still a resident of Alaska, I would be receiving my dividend. In a few emails with my mother, she had mentioned that 'they have been doing a lot of checking in to see if people are still in state'. Of course this did nothing but bring me to the realization that she was pondering keeping it herself. Even the thought that she would do something like that agitated me beyond belief. I did something wrong, and checked her email (it's hosted on my server) and found a message from her husband stating 'I can't tell you what to do with Leviathan's dividend, only you can decide'. This brought on rather large amount of anger from my end, and I completely disowned her for the better part of a month. It would still be this way had not my family strongly stressed to repair the relationship now, as I would want it when I got older. I then moved to Tacoma, with an extremely good friend of mine whom I roomated with for three months, before I got a good chunk of money, and he forced me to fly. Since then, life hasn’t been half bad. But then to present day, my savings is down, I'm out of work, an entire month in two days, and have roughly 4 months left after paying for school (going to college full time - year round). My school schedule is extremely busy, I have two hardcore math classes every quarter, which I need to receive a 3.0 in or better in order to continue to the university I wish to go to. This makes finding a job hard, let alone that even working full time at McDonalds just won't pay all the bills. Tonight, as I did a quick alt-tab out of a game of diablo2 with a friend, I find an email from someone I knew from when I lived in Colorado (who recently married a nice girl in Alaska), stating that there's been a problem with my mother, and he doesn't know what’s going on. So I call the number stated, and talk to my mother. Seems some sort of altercation in-between her and my step dad happened, and he filed assault charges on her. The story I got from my mother was "he was carrying (half-brother) and wouldn't give him to me (blah). I do not doubt that she may have hit him, but this is most definitely a first time incident. She mentioned that I may need to come up there to help out. There is nothing I can really help with, and chances are all I'll do is get myself into a problem, that while I'll get out of, still can't deal with properly at this point in time. I want no part of this whole situation, I moved out for a reason, and never wish to go back for any more than a visit. To such an extent that I will kill myself before that happens. While, there are very very few things that would make me happier than paying my stepfather back for those years, I quite outpace him in both size and strength, I know that it will likely lead to a loss of control, and I do not wish to handle the consequences of killing a man. There is nothing I can offer my mother, besides the fact that she has no choice but to repair her relationship with her husband. She is disabled, overweight, and quickly developing diabetes. She can't work, and taking care of my brother is a full time job within itself. Despite all this, she is my mother. If you actually took the time to read all of this, I appreciate your concern, and this was mainly just someplace for me to organize all of my thoughts at the moment, as well as calm down, as a time of rage is no place for logical thinking. I’d appreciate your thoughts on the whole situation. Thanks, Leviathan

06-30-2003, 12:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
tricks Crazy	As terrible as this sounds, your mom picked her situation and you picked yours, to get away. Going back to 'help out' sounds like it would just put you in the same 'assault' situation she found herself in and would probably not accomplish anything. The dividend check should show you the way your mother is leaning as well. The money was more important to her. The fact that you got your life together, got out of there, got into school, and aren't in major therapy is a testament to your strength. You need to stay as far away as possible. She didn't bother to call you and tell you what was going on. She didn't reach out to you. You're trying to drag yourself back into the situation and you should feel no responsibility reguarding what's going on. Sorry to play the bad guy. __________________ People Are Stupid. People can be made to believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or because they fear that it is.

06-30-2003, 01:34 AM	#4 (permalink)
losfp Tilted Location: Sydney, Australia	Well to paraphrase... only you can decide what to do. All the rest of us are just some idiots on an internet chatroom. Good luck, and I hope all goes well __________________ Grrr... Argh....

06-30-2003, 04:09 AM	#5 (permalink)
dtheriault Psycho Location: maybe utah	you need to talk to a professional counselor/psych at least once. casually mentioning suicide and murder is not the healthiest frame of mind. that being said. going back home is like pluging a black hole with a sink. there's just a bit too much disfunction going on there for a young adult with limited means to help. i would continue going to school, get a great job, find a supportive spouse and then you can deal with the situation from a position of relative strength. good luck and i'm serious about finding someone to talk about this with who had more training than some po folks on tfp dt __________________ "Remember, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." -Homer Unless you are the freakin Highlander, what is the point in learning how to fight with a sword?

07-01-2003, 05:35 AM	#6 (permalink)
blkdmnd Addict	Damn, what would Dr. Laura say?!? I think I would be inclined to ignore the whole situation. Tricks is right about the dividend thing. Shows you where you Mom's mind is. Still, she is your mother. I think you should stay in school until you graduate and then you can get a job and do some good. Mom should realize how important your education is and should let you finish and not be a distraction. Sounds to me like she's going to need more help in the future than she needs right now. Good luck. __________________ I blow my nose at you. Now go away before I taunt you a second time.

06-29-2003, 11:54 PM	#2 (permalink)
rockzilla Junkie Location: The Kitchen	Wow, that's a dilemma. I've got a similar relationship with my dad, my stepdad is great though. The closest thing to advice I can offer is that you have to ask yourself if your love for your mom outweighs your hate for your stepdad. Think long and hard about if you can really leave your mother to that kind of situation. If you're anything like me, I owe absolutely everything that I am to my mom and would do anything to help her. You'll probably cool down and think about this rationally, and I certainly don't envy your situation. Just make sure that you firmly believe in your stance, abandoning a family member often hurts you as much as the one who gets abandoned.

07-05-2003, 07:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
giblfiz is a shoggoth Location: LA	I agree with dtheriault, if you go back there now it will be like throwing a toothpick of sanity into a volcano of disfunction. The only thing that will change is the toothpick will burn (and YOUR the toothpick) Give your mom as much support as you can over the phone, and if you manage to get some good money you might even want to send her some, but don't go back, it won't help anything and it will burn you. (also if you send money don't loan... give never loan money to people you care about) I don't envy you your situation but at least you have enugh distance that you can keep your sanity. __________________ Use the star one and you'll be fighting off the old ones with your bare hands -A Shoggoth on the Roof

07-05-2003, 09:49 PM	#8 (permalink)
guthmund big damn hero	All I can say is "Once you clean the shit off your shoes, you don't go tramping back in the barnyard..." (thanks grandpa ) __________________ No signature. None. Seriously.

07-14-2003, 08:53 PM	#9 (permalink)
Hard8s Addict Location: Wherever I am!	I'm with guthmund on this one! __________________ If ignorance is bliss, then wipe this smile off my face!

07-15-2003, 04:23 AM	#10 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	Read the entire thing. Twice. You have a lot going for you. You might have come from a crappy situation with fairly disfunctional parent models, but you are intelligent, articulate and situationally aware. Hell, you have a server that you know how to interact with. That's not insignificant. For you: Plot a course and start your life. Figure out what and where and who you want to be. As for your Mom: You are right, she will always be your Mom. You already know she has issues. Love her anyway. Regarding your stepdad: Your Mom picked him. Be polite. You do NOT have to like him, but you must not be rude to him. Suck it up and just be civil. As far as the whole entitlement thing, let it go. It doesn't matter. Plot a course for your life, and it will all become moot. Hope this helps.

07-15-2003, 06:33 AM	#11 (permalink)
dragon2fire Junkie	peetster is right on this one

07-15-2003, 02:10 PM	#12 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	There is one piece missing here, you are an adult. You are responsible for yourself and only yourself (unless you have your own children.) Your mom is an adult and she is responsible for herself. It is not your job to take care of your mother. Although in times of need it is great if you can be there for her, you are not obligated and should not be guilted into anything! I agree with Tricks, you are obviously an intelligent human being. You are doing what you can to better your life. Take care of yourself first, then you will have more to offer down the road. Part of taking care of yourself, however, is to seek some "major counsoling." There is nothing wrong with seeking guidance and a way to "deal with" the past. You didn't have the best of lives growing up. It is up to you now to empower yourself by dealing with the past, learning how it effects you today, and preparing for your future. Best of luck and let us know what happens! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.