CinnamonGirl

My boyfriend and I were having a discussion on relationships in general, and it came up that he thinks, to a certain degree, everyone has to settle. No one is a perfect match, and there's always going to be something that you have to overlook/get used to/come to terms with.

Maybe it's because I read too many fairy tales growing up, or maybe I've seen too many movies, but this just doesn't make sense to me. I can see having to compromise, but settling just seems so...mundane to me. If you have to settle, you just aren't getting everything out of life (or your relationship) that you can.

Am I too optomistic? Is he too cynical? DO you think "settling" is something everyone must eventually do in a relationship?

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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

thingstodo

I sure hope not!! I've been married to the same woman for 33 years and I don't feel I settled.

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If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

snowy

My significant other completes me in ways no other person could. I didn't "settle" into this relationship. I love him despite the fact he's a vegetarian, a Pacific Green, and a Nader fan. Those things are inconsequential in comparison to how he cares for me, loves me, and moreover, puts up with me.

We all must eventually compromise in our relationships in order to sustain them, but that is not settling. That is deciding that you have something worth working for.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

TheoryWeary

First a logical point, if you settle for the best person you can find, you are getting everything that you can get. In other words, perfection may be unachievable. I'm not terribly thrilled to promote that, but i must admit it nonetheless. I also know that you said it in the idealistic sense that everything you can get is getting the perfect person for you, whether or not he exists.

I do not think anyone can be happy in a relationship for terribly long if they believe they settled. At the same time, i think that notion can be dispelled relatively quickly if the relationship starts going well. The question would be if it creeps back as time passes.

I feel theres a diminishing return of sorts on being overly picky who your significant other is, because even "settling" slightly into a relationship is usually preferable to being alone. Life is short; there must be some balance between holding out for the ultimate best, and enjoying what is available in the meantime. While that is a motivator to start relationships, it also serves to end them.

Perhaps most realistically, what are we defining as "settling"? No one is perfect, we will always be able to find a flaw with pretty much anyone. The key would be if those "flaws" are important. People say "I love him for his weaknesses" etc, and I am skeptical. I want to love someone for their strengths, but nonetheless, they will have weaknesses. Maybe those are endearing in themselves or maybe they are merely inconsequential; either way it would not appear that I settled to be with that person.

You may say "someone who is perfect for me not perfect in general, but i feel my above paragraph still holds equally true. In the strictest sense, that is the very definition of settling, but then it seems unavoidable to all but the hopeless romantic. We can do better?

Jinn

Yes. The only person who will do what you want 100% of the time is yourself. You'll never find another individual who at some point displeases you. Everyone settles.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

TheoryWeary

Off topic, but i wouldn't even be that generous.

ratbastid

Look, there's the idealistic flowers-and-fairy-dust view of love that there's one magic perfect person out there who will never ever ever piss you off. Dream land. That's just not going to happen where human beings are involved.

Accepting that, knowing it, and developing a relationship that's strong enough to weather it is NOT the same thing as settling.

Martian

No.

Yes.

My current relationship is too new to draw any real long-term conclusions, but one thing I am certain of is that I am not settling in any way, shape or form. I've had countless opportunities to settle for less than my ideal, but decided that I preferred to wait for something more. It seems to have paid off.

She's not perfect, but then again neither am I.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

jewels

Only if expectations are too high.

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Cynthetiq

No not everyone settles. Some of them missed their opportunity for any long term relationships because they weren't willing to compromise small things, or even have realistic expectations of what people or a relationship should be.

They want the perfect girl/guy, but aren't willing to put the effort to being the perfect catch either. They are not givers, but takers when it comes to close relationships. I consider some of these long time single friends, undatable. I cannot even recommend them to some of the really nice single girls that I know.

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ASU2003

I think the question should be "Should you settle?"

I know what type of girl I would like and would be happy with. There are plenty of them out there that pass the attractiveness test. Not so many pass the personality test.

I also think people need to raise their expectations and requirements a little bit.

World's King

I've settled before.


And I'm sure I'll do it again.


But right now I'm happy with what I have.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

wez312

So settle while waiting to find that 'perfect' someone?

lotsofmagnets

wouldn´t it be boring if you found the perfect person? no difference of opinion, always doing exactly what you want all the time. i think parallels can be drawn to a thread i think in philosophy about free choice in heaven.
-----Added 4/9/2008 at 10 : 48 : 05-----
and here it is:

heaven and hell would be boring

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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

curiousbear

I dont have all what I want, but I am settled. I cannot expect too much from life neither can I meet all of my gf's expectations. And life doesnt stop with your spouse. You can share your interests with friends, rest of family too. So do the SO. I think there should be some free space (not gap) between you. If you expect everything from the SO and build your whole life around him/her then I agree it gets very difficult.

If you do everything together then there will be nothing to tell or listen amoung yourselves

If you are talking about appearance, personality and physical expectations... I dont know what to say

How ever I dont think everyone settles.

Willravel

There's no such thing as perfect, but that's okay. I think "settle" isn't quite the right way to put it. I'd say "I found the person for me".

abaya

Yes. It would be absolutely boring. An interview I read from back in college (by Stanley Hauerwas, theology prof at Duke, if I remember correctly) had a quote that went something like this...

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

anti fishstick

i don't know. i think my concept of relationships, in general, is pretty immature right now... and I've been in a relationship for 5 years. I am not sure if I'm settling in this relationship or not... I don't think I am, but who knows. I don't have many answers. Just lots of questions.

I like what onesnow said:
We all must eventually compromise in our relationships in order to sustain them, but that is not settling. That is deciding that you have something worth working for.

That being said, I DON'T think it's good to settle. It's important to me to find a complementary relationship that works, and is able to withstand ups and downs. Nothing is perfect, but if you can weather the tough times, and grow together, then that's good enough for me. And that doesn't mean I'm settling.

This reminds me of an article I read once: Marry Him!

The case on marrying Mr. Good Enough (settling). Completely disagree. The article pisses me off, and yeah...

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

curiousbear

In university, I had a concept in mind. That is to find a soul mate, but live alone. Both to have our own homes, careers, interests, friends etc. And then we meet each other in our homes or out side. my friends criticized it so bad I stop talking about it completely.

lotsofmagnets

i met a spanish woman who was of the unshakable belief that this was the only way a relationship could be successful. mind you she´d been married more than once...

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

anti fishstick

Curiousbear,
I've read an article about a couple who live like this AND have a family together... in separate homes. I say, whatever works!

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

Lubeboy

People need to be happy and comfortable with themselves in life first. If you need someone to complete you and make you happy, what's the point? That's a big cop out if you ask me. Why get married because society tells you to? That's settling.

Vigilante

Bingo. It's not settling when I know my wife has a vastly lower sex drive than I do. It's knowing that, coming to terms with it, and working through it together. Same with my background baggage. I never settled, she never settled - we knew full well what we were getting into and were just fine with that.

If you spend your days looking for the perfect person, and dropping the ones you find because of flaws and you think you might be settling like a civil suit, you'll lead a very lonely existence. When you find the right one, flaws make the person more attractive (to me anyways). Little things like that scar on her forehead or if she can't cook worth a damn but she sure tries hard, make her even cuter. That's just an example BTW, my wife does have a scar on her forehead, but she cooks like a goddess.

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-Winston Churchill

inBOIL

I've always thought that would be a good plan for a relationship, but I get the impression that most women would dismiss it as a ridiculous male fantasy.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

CinnamonGirl

Since we've been bumping old threads, I wanted to come back to this one. Funny how distance gives you a new perspective.

We were unevenly matched, looks-wise-- he was (is) much more attractive than I am. He believed he was settling because I'd never be the Barbie Girl that he (and, let's face it, lots of guys) find so sexy. And I suppose he WAS settling... the way I look meant more to him than any of my fabulous virtues ( ).

I don't think I was clear in my original post-- I DO think every relationship needs compromise, and I don't see that as settling. I suppose "settling" to me would be something along the lines of, "well, I'm not in love with you, but it's easier to be with you than NOT, so whatever." I don't want to do that, ever.

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Plan9

Pfft, say what? It's not practical enough for me. I want my source of snarlin' to be at arm's length on a regular basis. This separate life stuff seems incredibly wasteful. Rent, groceries, duplicate appliances and furniture... screw that noise. Shack up with your partner and save the money for lube, lingerie, and ludicrous vacations.

...

I settle. I always settle. It's because I'm Type A Hardcore Stupid. If I met a woman that made me feel like I wasn't compromising, I'd probably feel overwhelmed. I'll never find a woman that is my complete ooh-yeah-masturbatory-bliss combination of traits. I just have to figure out what is important in the long run, go with that, and stop whining about the superficial crap.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Zeraph

I think everyone settles. There's no such thing as perfection. Doesn't mean you can't love them but with how many people there are in the world I can't imagine that the majority can find perfection. No one meets everyone. Therefor the odds are good there is someone out there at least slightly better for you.

Xerxys

Cin, No offense but your ex-boyfriend sounds like a douche!

Charlatan

There is no such thing as perfection. If you want to get technical, we all settle. That said, it's how we learn to compromise and communicate that is important. If you can find someone with whom you can do these two things, then you have found a good match.

I've been with my wife for 21 years (16 married) and I can safely say that I have a found a great match. Is it perfect? No.

I think the problem here is the negative connotations associated with the term, settle. If I waited for perfection, I'd still be waiting.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

genuinegirly

Hm.
Settling.

None of that here.

Let me check with Tt...
Yeah, he laughed.

Just because the person you're with isn't *perfect* doesn't mean you're settling.
You find a love that feels natural and you see where it goes.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Jozrael

We're all defining settling differently, so I agree with all of you. I think I'm settling in the way that my gf isn't perfect. I don't think I'm settling in the sense that I don't love her but it's easier. Is that enough of a definition?

CinnamonGirl

Funny, my best friend said the same thing.



Anyway, I'm not saying your significant other has to be perfect... I know better than that. I guess I associate "settle" with a negative feeling, while "compromise" has a more positive tone for me. *shrug*

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Shaindra

I'm not settling for anything less than perfection. He, on the other hand, had better be prepared to settle for me.

Just kidding.

Perfection doesn't exist. Choosing to accept someone's flaws does not mean "settling."

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"Never regret something that once made you smile."

Sue

I haven't felt like I settled for 4+ years, and I don't even plan to feel like I've settled with my boyfriend. He's the best of the best of the best to me!!

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

Plan9

I'd suggest that we all settle because we found something good enough to stick with instead of continuing the search. We pick our own settle point.

I know I'm going to settle. I'll get tired of speed dating (waste of $$$), tired of living alone (cat aside), tired of cooking for myself (a new problem for me).

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Sue

This is the IMO the best cookbook for people who consider this a new problem

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

Plan9

Thanks, Sue. I've got the "One Man With A Can" cookbook or whatever it's called.

I usually resort to half-meals like a can of tuna with onions stuffed in a pita, PBJ, or cereal.

A few years in the military has created a huge amount of food apathy inside my soul.

Sometimes when I have company I'll bust out the skills I acquired through osmosis in 2008.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

NorthernGirl

I just wanted to say awesome thread, I love it

noodle

settle has such a negative connotation in most circles. unless you mean settling in for the long haul. my ex felt like he was settling with me. because there were certain things that he wanted that i could not provide. now, they don't typically all exist within one person for the most part, but that's his issue, not mine. when people paint this rosy view of how life should look for them, 90% of the time they are going to end up at some point feeling as if they settled or gave up an ideal somewhere.
it's the realistic of us that love someone and choose to be with them with and without their faults, because of their differences that aren't disappointed daily with their choice of partner and relationship. those who choose to have their relationship evolving continuously to meet the needs of both parties. those who choose not to, will likely feel that they are settling.
i actually feel at this point that any relationship i have in the near future will feel like settling for awhile because of the way our systems idealize and romanticize past relationships for a time. after awhile that will fade. luckily, i'm not jumping on that boat annnnnny time soon. i'd rather settle down than feel like i settled for.

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Bill O'Rights

"Settling" is so...negative. I think rather than "settle", what we need to focus on is "accepting" our S/O's real or perceived shortcomings. If we can do that, through compromise and adaptation, then we can be happy. If we cannot...well...maybe best to just cut our losses and look elsewhere.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.