Plummie

Hey folks, I rarely ask for personal advice like this on a public forum but what the hell.. this has been on my mind and I'd like to know what you think. I currently live with my ex-boyfriend, we rented a house together nine months ago as a couple. Prior to that we had dated for two years. I thought we would be compatible as lovers and roommates, and it turned out our apartment leases ended around the same time so we went ahead and moved in together to save money. This was AFTER discussing that we would be civil roommates to one another, even if the relationship didn't work out.

Everything was fine in the beginning but started to turn sour after several months as I started to learn he has an addiction to alcohol and pain pills (which he crushes and snorts). This was not known to me when we had our own separate spaces, mostly because he hid it from me and lied about how much and often he used. He would apparently get trashed on nights we weren't hanging out. Here in the house, I found his stash of booze in his closet (plentiful, too) and confronted him. I told him he had to make a choice, either he starts AA and quits drinking, or we're over. He promised to quit and did well for a few weeks but it didn't last, so our relationship dissolved.

Within the last week, he totaled his car, is now broke, and can barely afford rent this month. He drinks every night and sleeps when he's not working and has several DUI's. I've started distancing myself emotionally and physically from him because of the alcoholism, and because I don't know what else to do. I've tried to talk to him about getting help but it's not working. Drinking makes him psychotic and I can't even talk to him when he's in that state of mind. I have to leave. His behavior becomes erratic, he says hurtful things, and becomes very unpredictable. He has even been violent towards me once, picked me up by my shirt and threw me down, and tonight blocked me from trying to leave the house when I refused to talk to him. After I got by, he followed me very closely until I managed to get in the car and leave.

Two hours later I came home and he had shaved his head, which is a first. He's fucking losing it, seriously.. a completely different person from the guy I met a few years ago.

I want to break my lease and end it all, but I can't afford the $1800 it will cost to do so. He has no intentions of going to AA or rehab so I feel like I'm stuck in a bad situation I can't get out of. This person I once loved is spiraling out of control and trying to take me with him. It's not good. I fear not only for my safety when he's drinking, but I worry that he might do something terrible to himself. He needs counseling and medication but he can't afford it.

What should I do? My options are:

1) Break the lease and pay the money, I'll probably have to take out a loan to do so. Get him out of my life completely.
2) Try to get a third roommate to help diffuse the situation a little and provide some protection to myself.
3) Stick it out and just try to avoid coming home when he's around until the lease runs up (Feb 29, 2009). Pretend he doesn't exist. Do my own thing.

I am a very frugal person and I can't imagine dumping $1800 into breaking a lease, because I've never had to do this before. I'm a grad student and money is tight. Dealing with an addictive personality is a first for me as I've never known an alcoholic on this intimate of a level. But I also know I don't want to feel threatened or worried about coming in to my own home. In the end, it's up to him to change and he doesn't seem like he's ready to change. So something has to give.

Thanks for listening, any advice you have would be great. Tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes......

__________________
Kim

little_tippler

You're actually considering hanging around until February of NEXT YEAR with this guy in your house and life?

No, no...it's worth the money! Get out, now. It sucks to b in debt, but it's even worse to stay in such a fucked up situation for so long.

Better yet, is there any way you can kick him out? I'm serious. If he's not paying his way, and is being abusive to himself and you, why are you sitting there and taking it?

I'm all for a little compassion, but this will ultimately cause you harm, and I'm not talking physical, I'm talking on a deeper level. Can you really get on with your life still living with your abusive, addicted ex, that you have to go home to every night, for almost another year yet?

Clear your head. You must still be hung up on him but it's time to let go. Fuck the money...I'd say your sanity and well-being are more important. And it's not such a huge amount...put it into perspective, it will get paid soon enough.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

amonkie

$1800 is a small price to pay for security, peace of mind, and being alive.


I'd second what little_tippler says - if he can't afford to pay rent, are you covering ALL of the rent then? over time, that will be more expensive that breaking the lease at $1800. Best option, to me, would be to give him 30 days to get a new job, if he misses another payment, he's out and you find a new roommate.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

DaveOrion

Only another alcoholic/opiate addict can stand to live with one, this will never work out. I'll have to go along with the others & simply say get out or get him out.

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

ratbastid

Maybe you have a parent or friend who could help you out with the $1800? Because you need to get the hell out of there. I was nearly on board with the idea of toughing it out through the end of the lease until I got to the part about him being violent with you. I've known women who stuck with their alky boyfriends, and to a one they've lost themselves in the process, and it was years before they got their feet under themselves again. Get out.

Bringing a third person in wouldn't help much. It'd be a DAMN hard sell, to begin with, and it has the risk of further destabilizing him.

Is there ever a time when he's sober and you can have an actual conversation with him about all this? Because I recommend you do that--and keep the accusations and threats (and "you have to go to AA" is a threat, from his perspective) out of it. Just let him know it's impossible for you to keep living there like that and what you plan to do about it.

pig

In addition to the above advice, I'll pick up the idea of bringing in a third person into it. No way as a roommate - but I'd seriously consider telling his family/friends (if you're close to them and can trust them). I second the theoretical notion that 1. This dude needs help. I've been at the place where I spent a lot of time drinking and I didn't necessarily want other people to know about it - but the stash in the closet + the pain pills + physical violence is a recipe you don't want to be in the middle of. 2. You shouldn't have to eat the lease, although if comes down to it, that's better than enduring the situation for six more months. If you're really feeling threatened, don't blow that off. In this situation, having one or more of his family/friends/your family/friends involved might help him see that he shouldn't be the one to benefit and be able to stick around - since he's the raging alcoholic, he should have to move out and find a new place. Having to deal with some negative impact from his habits might make him rethink them.

I can't say the extent to which he has a problem, or whether he can pull himself out of it with time or not - but you don't need to be in the middle of him finding himself. Does your school have free counseling - I think the stigma of AA can be threatening to people - but the idea of talking to a random "someone" might be more doable.

Good luck.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Aladdin Sane

My father was an alcoholic and I've spent a considerable amount of time learning about alcoholism.

The behaviors you describe are not uncommon for an addict. Your guy is in serious trouble and there is not a thing you can do to help him, except to refuse to participate in his self-destruction. Get out of that house and get him out of your life. As long as he is using you should have nothing to do with him. This accomplishes two goals: 1. it establishes consequences for his behavior, and 2. it improves safety for you.

Were you exposed to addictive behaviors when you were growing up? There's a big chance that you were.

__________________
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

JumpinJesus

I'll agree with little_tippler and add my voice to the chorus.

I'd normally advocate getting rid of him and you staying, but in his current state, he'll know where you live and if he's violent and vindictive and unbalanced, that's not good. Move out and don't let him know where you are. You need a chance to start over. Yes, he needs help, but without his own acknowledgment of that, any help you offer will be worthless to him.

Best of luck with this.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

cj2112

Leave. Leave now. Leave for good. $1800.00 is a lot of money, but what is your safety, sanity, and credit rating worth? Seriously, if $1800.00 is all that his addictions are going to cost you, leave while it's cheap!

Protect yourself now, I know you think he'd never do anything to hurt you, that he wouldn't screw you financially, but an addict in the throes of addiction will do things that they normally would NEVER do.

You can't fix him, you can't help him, and you need to go to a few Al-Anon meetings.

Plummie

Thanks, everybody, for your sound advice. My closest friends also agree that the situation isn't going to improve and that either he needs to move out or I need to break the lease. They don't see him trying to change, either.

Actually, no, I had a very stable childhood. My parents are still married and they are both well-to-do and neither are addicts. Maybe that's why I was so blind and ignorant to his addictive behaviors for the first two years of our relationship. Or maybe because he is just that good at lying to cover it up. He also lied about how his car was wrecked and just came clean last night (originally said it was hit & run in the mall parking lot through no fault of his own but last night told me he totaled it while driving to pick up pills).

He does have a job but it's a shitty server job and what money he does make, he blows on god knows what. This is the first month he is actually having trouble making rent but he says he has the money, so we'll see. I would be thankful actually if he didn't come up with it, so I'd have a legal reason to kick him out. I'd rather live here alone and get a female roommate in here rather than break the lease, honestly... I'm too chicken shit to ask my parents for money right now. I also feel like a loser for making such a bad decision to move in with him in the first place. Last night was the second time he acted out in a way that scared me and I guess I needed some time to let it digest. Now it seems obvious I am going to have to talk to my folks.

I also plan on talking to his brother today who lives down the street and telling him about what is going on. Everybody in his immediate family knows he is an alcoholic but I don't think they they have any idea as to how emotionally unstable he is. He can be so "normal" when he's sober, but anymore that is not who he is. The alcohol is consuming him completely. On top of that, he claims he stills loves me, which is fucking hilarious because this sure doesn't feel like love to me. He can't seem to accept the fact that we are over and so he drinks even more. There is nothing positive about any of this, it's just a big ol' hot mess.

I will keep you posted on how it unravels.. this has been a lesson learned, for sure. It's mindblowing to me how you think you know someone but you have no clue what they're really like until you live with them. So fucked up!!!

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Kim

ratbastid

This sucks, Plummie, but if it helps, EVERYTHING you're saying is textbook addict behavior. Addicts are CONSUMMATE liars. They're EXCELLENT at it; it's what they do. You haven't made any mistake that hasn't been made before by millions and millions of people who have been in relationships with addicts. So, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your first job right now is to take care of yourself, and your second job, once the first one is handled, is to take care of him.

abaya

Keep a tight grip on that feeling, because it's right. Absolutely correct. This is not love, and don't ever let yourself believe that it's love, no matter what he says or does to convince you otherwise. A lot of people living with addicts refuse to believe that love isn't enough to save the person or the relationship--it's very positive that you have a strong grasp of the reality.

Listen to what everyone else is saying and get yourself out of there, no matter if you have to ask for help from your parents or whomever else. Just do it.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Plummie

Thank you, both.. *hugs* I don't know why I feel so embarassed and ashamed to talk to my folks about it, I guess because I was too naive to realize what was really going on and I feel stupid for not being a better judge of character. That said, I'm not some insecure girl who's going to "stand by my man" no matter what. I have a brain and I know this situation can't go on like this. I do plan on having a talk with him as well, when he's sober, so I can explain to him why it is impossible for us to live together. I already know what's going to say. He will promise to change, but it will be a hollow promise, so I just have to stick to my guns and make sure he understands that one of us, or both of us, will be moving out in the very near future.

Any tips on how to approach him in a calm, matter-of-fact way? I don't want to send him off into another drinking rage...

__________________
Kim

ratbastid

Just remember that the lying doesn't happen just when he's drunk. The charming, disarming behavior when sober is part of the addictive process. Don't believe a word of it.

Bear Cub

Do you live in an apartment complex, or do you have an individual landlord? Have you thought about talking to ownership about your situation? My sister had to break lease early once for a medical condition, and the owner let her out of it for just paying up one months rent instead of the amount specified in the contract.

__________________
Living in the United Socialist States of America.

DaveOrion

Just as a side note try to keep in mind that most addicts will never seek help until they've hit their bottom. Until that time they are usually in denial & would never admit they have a problem. When things finally get bad enough, all friends & family have deserted them,their finances are in shambles, they may even become homeless, then they may realize how destructive their behavior is & want to do something about it. They have to want help or its pointless to try & intervene. Until that time its usually best to stay clear of em.......

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

dirtyrascal7

Talking with him should be about the last thing you do. Have everything else lined up and ready to go first. Talk with your parents, talk with your landlord, find a new place to live and have everything set and ready to move in. That way you're committed to leaving when you do approach him and you won't be swayed by anything he says... and you won't have to stick around afterwards when he does go on another bender.

When you do talk to him, And as JJ said, don't let him know where you're going... he will only try to find you and win you back over and over again.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

PonyPotato

I have two addicts in my family. My father is an alcoholic and my sister is a drug addict. Both of them started about 6 years ago.. my sister got involved with drugs and my dad "coped" with alcohol. It doesn't work very well.

From my experience, you don't want to reveal to him that you are leaving until you have everything lined up. Why? If he's capable of being violent toward you, he's capable of destroying your things. When you've spent $1800 to get out of a lease, losing your furniture and personal possessions can be devastating. Also, make sure you have help when you are moving, and don't allow him to participate. Make it clear (through actions, if not through words) that you are leaving and he is no longer to be a part of your life. I had a non-violent but self-destructive boyfriend once, and I changed my phone number immediately. It's a good precaution.

Just get out asap. I agree with Bear Cub about talking to your landlord about the situation. You may be allowed out of the lease.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Aladdin Sane

Plummie, I couldn't let this statement go without comment. You are not responsible for his behavior. He would like for you to believe that his going off into a drinking rage is your fault, because that's what addicts do. But you are no more responsible for his drinking than I am. Don't buy into the guilt that drives co-dependency.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

noodle

i quadruple or whatever the get out thought.
you can contact your local domestic violence shelter (anonymously a lot of times) and find out if there are any legal aid places that can help if the landlord isn't working with you.
you'd be amazed at how supportive they are of proactive men and women trying to get out of a situation before it gets worse, so don't ever think "my situation's not that bad...."

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JumpinJesus

Exactly. We can't control the behaviors of others. We can only control our own. If he flies off into a rage over what you say, that's because of who he is, not because of what you did or said.

Don't allow yourself to be responsible for his choices. He had these problems before he met you. He'll have them after you're gone. They're his issues he has to face.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

Plummie

JJ, you couldn't have said it better. Ten or twenty years from now he will still be suffering with these issues and I want no part of it. He refuses to deal with his substance abuse, so I refuse to deal with him. Today he came in from work, mowed the lawn, and didn't say a word about what happened last night. I suppose in his mind, everything is hunky dory but it's so uncomfortable and WEIRD just being in the same room with him. After he ran me off scared last night, shaved his head like Britney Spears and left this fucked up poem on my computer, wouldn't you feel like you owe an apology? I know I would feel fucking terrible.

(Please note the god awful, horrendous spelling)


try to open to a vine
she twists and turns
grows and kills, stalks
reproduction over all
new geniration; asexuel


Ummmmmm. Right. WTF??????? So I'm looking for new places to live and tomorrow I'm going to call my landlord and talk to her. I hope she is understanding. I never expected anything like this, I swear I'm a normal human being! Why is this happening?! I also need to have a heart to heart with my parents...

Oh and I forgot to mention, he slipped $450 (his half of this month's rent) into my purse today. Great.

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Kim

host

Does he still have a sizable stash of alcohol hidden in a closet? Don't keep your purse or any money in the residence you share with him, from now until you do leave. Change the pin numbers on your accounts, and, if you even suspect he has access to your personal papers/bills with bank or credit numbers on them, chances are he does, and he has or will make note of/recorded them, consider closing existing accounts and opening new ones.

Can you be sure he has not taken blank checks from your checkbook?

It will be even easier for him to raise funds with info he has gotten about your accounts, when he doesn't see you everyday, and his financial circumstances have grown even worse than they are now. Do not lend him money to pay the rent after you've suddenly left him to pay the whole amount by himself. He will ask you to.....

Does he have a set of keys to your car? If you are sure he does not, lock your purse in a hidden location in your car, the moment you arrive at the residence that you share with him.

Get out now, unless your strategy is to make yourself a target for him to assault, so you can file a complaint for the police to remove him, then get a restraining order, than try to get it enforced....blah, blah, blah..... get out of there by the end of the 4th of July weekend.

Use these sites to make informed and deliberate bids for temporary accomodations, if you can afford to...and have no other place to go, in the short term, (Don't bid below 2-1/2 stars level):
http://betterbidding.com/
http://biddingfortravel.yuku.com/

genuinegirly

I hope the chats with your parents and your landlord go well. You're making good, solid steps toward getting out.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for your decisions - there was no way of knowing before moving in. You're smarter than many. Be glad you didn't marry him.

Even if things work out well with the landlord and with your parents, I will encourage you to work with a local domestic abuse support organization. A cousin of mine has been dealing with some unexpected emotional distress after leaving a similar situation. Just knowing the phone number and who to talk to if you need it will come in handy - especially if he can't let you go. They will know the legal steps necessary to deal with an abusive stalker.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

ASU2003

This sounds like a situation where you need to disappear one day. Like you start a few things away that wouldn't be noticed, and then one day when he is at work you grab your stuff and vanish.

Martian

You've got a good handle on things from the looks of it.

You keep mentioning how you feel guilty. I'm guessing you also feel, naive, used, embarrassed and ashamed.

The thing is (and ratbastid said it before I got a chance to, but I'll second it) alcoholics and other addicts are the best liars. They lie to everyone, every single day. It's what they do, and they do it amazingly well.

None of this is your fault. Not one bit. You have nothing at all to be ashamed about. You didn't spot it because he didn't want you to. He lied to you, from day one. This is not your wrongdoing.

You're doing everything that could be reasonably expected of you. Anyone who tells you that you should've known is someone who's never dealt with addictive behaviour before. Addicts when they're sober are very charming and clever and generally great people.They have to be; it's their survival mechanism. Being taken in by that does not reflect negatively on you at all.

Like several others here, I have a lot of experience with alcohol and drug addiction. I felt the same way when I was dealing with it. It's a hard lesson to learn, but ultimately you're going to have to (and be able to) accept that none of this is your fault whatsoever.

Do what you have to do. It only gets better from here.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

spindles

I think just about everything has been said, but just wanted to add - don't be worried about what your parents think about this - I bet they'll be cool about spotting you the money and will be supportive - parents are like that You'll look back on $1800 as pocket change one day...

Also - don't walk - run outta there as fast as you can.

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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

Daniel_

Advice?

Don't.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

MSD

If you're really going to try this, have all of your important stuff in the car and don't let him get between you and the door.

blueroses

I'll second spindles on talking to your parents...they are more concerned for your safety and well being than anything else. Yes, they might give a parental lecture, but if that ends up being one of the worst outcomes of this situation then be glad. I should think though that if you let them know the seriousness of the situation then they will be willing to make sure you get out as quickly as possible.

And as for his claims to "still love you"..he loves alcohol and pills more than anything else right now, and they are always going to come first until he finds help for his addiction. Trust your instincts on this one, and as everyone else has said, get out of there as soon as you can.

ASU2003

Try to avoid telling him where you have moved to. You can call or leave a letter, but I would avoid any confrontations, they may not always take things well.

Plummie

True, true. Going to see apartments today, price shopping, figuring out my budget and what I can afford. I talked to my brother on the phone (who is my confidante) and he thinks I should have everything lined up and ready before I approach our parents. He agrees that it's time for me to bounce but to have a plan regarding how I'm going to pay them back. My parents are tough on us about money but I know ultimately they would care about my safety more. When I move, I will not be telling the ex where I'm going nor will I allow him help me pack or lift a single thing. I just want to sever all ties as soon as possible... I also contacted a couple of his family members to let them know about the situation. I'm sure he will be needing their help once he's out on his own, drinking himself into oblivion again.

__________________
Kim

MSD

Once you have everything lined up, have a bunch of friends ready to come over with the biggest cars or trucks they have (or rent a UHaul if you need to) as soon as he leaves, 5 or 6 people should be able to clear your stuff out in a few hours and you won't have to come back for anything.

Any luck asking the landlord if you can get out of the lease because your roommate is abusive?

lotsofmagnets

having been in an almost identical situation the correct procedure is being followed. the situation would only have gotten worse, not better. still, if you have no feelings towards him then by all means sever ties but if you have a shred of care left then perhaps find a way to talk to him when you´ve left even if it´s something like leaving a letter. really, i don´t know how to best approach it as when i finally got the hell out i certainly wasn´t looking back...

what is the chance of him finding you?

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

tooth

Don't forget to change your cell # when you move (or figure out if you can block calls and texts from certain numbers?).

Plummie

Thanks for all your help, everyone. You guys really helped cement the idea in my brain that I need to leave and get the ball rolling. So here's the latest update. It feels like forever ago when I posted this thread (so much has happened in the last 9 days). I talked to my parents, I talked to my current landlord, I talked to the drunken roommate, and I told him we're breaking the lease. I have a new place lined up and will sign the lease in the next few days. It couldn't have worked out more perfectly! My folks are going to help pay for me to break the current lease, thank god, and they are behind me 100%. I'm moving to Richmond, KY to start grad school so I will be a good 45 minutes from Lexington. I told him I am moving because of high gas prices and can't afford the commute (which is true) but it allows me to end the situation in a sort of positive way. He threw a hissy fit when I first told him and started throwing random shit into boxes but then I explained how it will cost $400/mo. in gas for me to commute to school every day, which is basically rent, and that logic seemed to quell his anger. So I'm ending the relationship completely in a way that doesn't piss him off and I don't have to worry about him destroying my things during the move. It feels like a breath of fresh air! I know I will be so much happier in my own place and since he has no car that will be an added bonus. Thank you, TFP, for helping me see the light!

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Kim

ratbastid

Good work, Plumster!

Here's the ONLY nit I'd pick with how you did it: the way you've left it protects you (which is a good thing) but doesn't leave him to confront the mess he's made. If you want to support him in getting help--and that IS an "if"--then you should let him know the real reason you're leaving. But of course I wouldn't do that until the u-haul is packed and the keys are turned in.

MSD

I don't think any of us old timers expected anything but success from you, and I'm glad everything worked out as well as it did. I'll have to disagree with ratbastid and say that you're not his mother an he's not your problem.

Now it's time to see if my memory is still sharp. You're going to grad school to become a pharmacist, right?

Cynthetiq

good job...

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

snowy

Yay, Plummie--I'm so pleased to hear this worked out for you; I was really worried for your safety and health. Good luck on working the rest of this out and moving.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau