Need Some Advise....
 

So a friend of my goes around telling everyone she is engaged (we all know it's true) but she has slept with 4 guys and a girl SINCE being engaged. Her bf works for a oil company and works for 9 weeks on (he is at the very top of the state) and is off for 6 weeks (gets to come home).

So she does all the messing around while he is gone. Well last night we all had a few drinks then for whatever reason I laid into her about how she is a slut and acting the way she is. Her bf makes all the money and buys her everything (she lives with him and doesn't pay rent, he buys her all kinds of expensive shit... and you get this picture). She is 23 he is 33. I've never met the guy but I don't like to see people getting taken advantage of.

Would it be in the wrong to let him know about her habits while he is away? Or should I just let it go and let Karma take it's course?

Thanks

i see no problem giving karma a little helping hand

I wouldn't poke my nose where it didn't concern me. If I had a 10-years-younger girlfriend/fiance who I left alone 9 weeks at a time, I'm sure I'd sniff around to see if shenanigans were afoot. Either he is naive and oblivious, or (my guess) ambivalent.

It's not worth it. You owe no allegiance to this guy as you don't even know him. You do know the girl. She's your friend. Do you want to lose a friend over telling some guy you don't know something he'll eventually figure out (if he hasn't already) anyway?

It's really not your problem. It sounds like you've already talked to your friend. That's about where your job should be done, in my opinion.

It seems you get some satisfaction through passing judgment on her. It's obvious that what she's doing isn't fair to her boyfriend but to go so far as to assert that she's a slut and that she's using him is to take things further than they need to go.

You'd be better of skipping on the judgment and instead ensuing that there isn't any way possible that someone of such questionable character could consider themselves as one of your friends.

The character assessment is probably best reserved for the day your own shit doesn't stink.

There's being open minded and then there are your brains on the floor.

If a chick fucks 4 guys while being engaged, she's a slut in my book. If I knew the guy even remotely, I'd tell him. Or tell her to tell him. If she didn't, I would. I hate cheaters.

It's not your business, no matter what surface appearances may be, you don't know what goes on in their relationship - forget about it and move on. If she offends you, do not associate with her.

It's a bastard.

I wish someone had told me when my first wife was cheating (either time I know about, and the two other times I'm now suspicious about).

I would have much rather have heard that from someone I didn't know well - that way I wouldn't have to be friends with them.

Ditto.

So, assuming this is a 'normal' relationship, and the guy doesn't already know and approve of his fiance's habits...he's going to find out eventually. Would he rather find out now, or after they've been married for 3 years, and have 2 kids together?

Hint: Now.

However, it would probably be (slightly) better if he heard it from a friend of his. Also, keep in mind you may be in for an ass kicking if you tell him, and he doesn't believe you. Despite any and all logic and reason, I've seen otherwise intelligent people deny the obvious in situations like this.

So, while it would be much better for him to know about her behavior, you have to realize you're inserting yourself into a very unpleasant situation.

... well
 

the way i would tell him would be annonymous. And it's probably not any of my business how they handle their relationship, but coming from being cheated on in the past I know I would want to know.

Personally I'd stay out of it.

If she's a good friend, you may want to have a talk appealing to her basic humanity. If she really cares about the guy, then how can she continue this secret abuse of trust? He's older and most likely has a blind dedication to his future vision of family and doesn't want to consider betrayal. Hopefully she will show some dignity and come clean, letting the guy move on. It doesn't sound like she's done sowing her oats.

If she's not such a close friend, perhaps lotsofmagnet's suggestion of a helping hand might provide some interesting drama. If drama is not worth the backlash, steer clear.

I personally couldn't watch a sap get suckered and would intervene at some level. Hopefully someone would do the same for me.

and perhaps this is why im willing to tell her guy. She isn't all the close of a friend. Like I met her through some of my friends. I associate with her mainly while she comes over to hang with my buddies. not like i go out of my way to talk to her.

LS, I'm not disagreeing with you.

But I don't call women whores. Or men for that matter. We all want sex and just as I said before, what she's doing obviously isn't fair to her boyfriend but I still have yet to read how in any way expending the effort to judge and out this woman does anything particularly beneficial for dumbnutofak.

If you have so little invested in her happiness or failure then why have you chosen to make the issues of her relationships your own? You and your issues with being cheated on have no place in her relationship.

Save yourself.

Not knowing the situation I don't really know if she's being fair or not. I knew couples when I was in the Navy who had an agreement that while one was gone for long periods of time it was alright to see others, just not ok to get emotionally involved. Not saying that's the case here, don't know. But I stay out of other peoples relationships. It's just a mine field in my opinion.

Oh and I never call a woman a whore either, unless of course she gets off on it. Then whore, cunt, slut might be flying around the room.

Her fiance deserves to know what he's getting into.

If my significant other was running around behind my back, and everyone that knew her knew about it, I'd hope that someone would have the balls to clue me in.

What goes around comes around my friend. It's noble to want to go out on a limb to help out a stranger but this type of situation is very sticky. If this guy is 33 he will figure out what type of broad this chick is eventually. He mosre than likely would say ,"Yeah right, who is this guy trying to tell ME that my gf is a slut!" He probably will think you're either jealous or that you want to get with her yourself. It may help ease your conscieince but in the end it may serve to solidify his dedication to her longer. Let it go my friend and hope he comes to his senses sooner rather than later and dumps the girl.

How he may or may not react should have no bearing on whether or not he deserves to be told.

Would you have doctors not tell patients when they have a terminal illness? They'll figure it out on their own eventually. Right?

At least give the guy a fighting chance.

The doctor has the responsibility to tell their patient about the illness. That's his job.

It's not dumbnutofak's job to get involved in someone else's relationship. Especially since he doesn't know the dude and, apparently, isn't even much of a friend with the girl.

Dumbnutofak, it's not your place to get involved in this, and, frankly, there is nothing you can gain from this except a petty sense of self-worth; and there's a lot that can go wrong and leave you at the shit end of the stick.

Leave it alone, man.

Eh, if you've never met the guy, how do you know that he's not OK with it? Some people are OK with open relationships. It's not the norm, but it totally exists.

I wouldn't do/say anything, but that's just me

Not only that but the logic assumed everybody a doctor, everybodys their patient and everybody knows what's the best medicine for everyone else. That's a lot of assumptions.

Either the guy already knows, in which case it doesn't matter if you tell him. Or, he's clueless and you are giving some very valuable information.

What's the downside again?

The downside is the drama that ensues. This kind of drama can have a real impact on one's life.

What's the gain again?

Oh, random dude I don't even know has some information that he probably won't believe anyway? I feel like I did a good deed?

To me, the cons outweigh the pros.

The guy is a grown ass man. Given this lady (loosley used) is as much of a tramp and idot as is described he should already have doubts as to her intentions. Some random guy coming out of the woodwork with all this dirt on his girl will only put the poor sapp on guard. And when I say on guard I don't mean against what his gf is doing but more realistically against the random fellow he will perceive to be plotting to get in her pants. Again, this is one to let go. I believe your argument about the terminal illness is a mistated analogy of the apples and oranges variety my friend. Adam Smith commented most appropriately for this situation.... laissez faire. With all that said... he should just wack the tramp, put her in a hole, and let all parties be done with her indiscretions.

That's a pretty chicken-shit reason not to do the right thing. Send the guy an anonymous email or call him from a pay phone if you're that worried about the backlash.

"The right thing" is a matter of opinion. In fact, I believe that's what this discussion is about: What is the right thing to do?

In my opinion, generally the right thing to do, given any situation, is to keep your nose out of business that is not your's.

You may see that as "chicken-shit", but, based on personal experience, I see it as a pretty worry-free way to live life.

If it doesn't affect you, leave it alone.

"In my opinion, generally the right thing to do, given any situation, is to keep your nose out of business that is not your's."

Sorry but this sounds like the same thing as when neighbors don't call the police when they hear a crime being committed. "I didn't want to get involved." Granted this isn't a life threatening situation, but I think the principle applies. This guy very well could be living a lie, and he doesn't deserve that, no matter if he is old enough or not. The last I would want to see is this guy getting married without a prenuptial agreement.

I'm with you POA. All this cloak and dagger insertion of your thoughts into others relationships neither helps them or you. In fact from what I've seen, regardless of the ultimate out come, the outsider injecting himself/herself is the first and biggest loser.


If it doesn't affect you, leave it alone. Absolutely. I used to work in an office. One of my co-workers was constantly sticking her nose in others business. Not dating anyone? Well, must be her job to fix you up. Teenagers acting out at home? She's got the cure for you. And she's happy to tell anyone who'll listen exactly what the problem is and how to solve it. I had a co-worker who, it turns out, was cheating on his wife. How do I know this? She told me, in great detail. Of course I found out later most of the details were wrong. Turned out his wife and him had been in the process of separating for months. He just didn't want to go "public" with his new girlfriend until that was complete. Listening to her, she had it all worked out complete with family drama sub plot. Turns out the wife hadn't even lived with the guy for months. By the time she had it worked out in her head there was alcohol, drugs and hint of suicidal behavior. Her life was fucking mess and she simply transfered issues to other, IMO. Her own kid, in her 20's, was a meth head and she herself had been married five fucking times to the same guy. Watching her and listening to her reaffirmed my belief in staying out of other people lives. It like she watched soap operas as a teenager and convinced herself this is how grown ups act. Yeah, that's the person I want giving me advice on how to run my life.

Every time I hear about a person who knows the "right" thing to do in regards to someone else's personal life my first thought is almost always- "Seriously? You don't have enough life, enough crap, on you're own plate? You need to start looking for crap on other peoples plates?"

Apples and oranges Hain.

I'd call the police if someone were breaking in to my neighbor's house simply because they're my neighbor and the safety of their home greatly impacts not only the safety of mine but the overall quality of living conditions. Thus, an intimate relationship is created through the close proximity in which we live and the fact that the safety of their home is intrinsically related to mine.

And as dumbnutofak has no real relationship with any of the parties involved and nothing to gain from interjecting his/herself in to this dramafest, it's obvious that the best thing for dumbnutofak is to walk away.

I think that some of your are confusing the issue here. Just as it's obvious enough that what she's doing is wrong, the soon to be husband has a right to know what his fiancé is doing behind his back. However, when the pros and cons (of sticking your nose where it not only doesn't belong but shouldn't even care enough to be) are weighed it proper course of action becomes clear enough.

Save yourself.

I'd have been curious to hear what she said in reaction to your accusation and how long you've been friends.

But without that info, I'd have to agree that it's not your business to tell him. She's the one who's your friend, ya? You've already told her how you feel and as a friend, you're entitled to express that.

Even if the guy's making a mistake, it's his to make or learn from.

She got all pissed off and told me I owe her a appology. I'd say about 6 months. I've pretty much decided that it isn't any of my business and I'll let it be. It's his loss for being so blind. Karma will win in the end.