thespian86

Hey, I need a family right now.

My fiancee and I just ended it; well, she did. As most of you know I'm moving away and I think it's too hard for her. She says she doesn't feel the same but we really genuinely want to stay best friends. I'm having really hard time right now. It just so happens both of my best friends are out of town... I need her really bad.

What am I going to do?

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

KellyC

Wow, that sucks. I suck with words so I won't attempt to say anything fancy.

*hugs*

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Martian

Ouch. This sucks. Thing is, a lot of us have been there.

Here's the thing, though. You say you want to stay friends. If you really mean that, you're going to have to walk away. It sucks and it's hard. You may have to explain to her that you need some space to get your head on straight. It's going to take time, and it's going to suck, but right now with your emotions being all fucked up it just can't happen.

I'm willing to pay good odds that you don't know what you want right now. It's not your fault or anything like that; it's just hard to know when you're still feelin kind of fucked up and bummed out. So take your space and give yourself time to get over it.

Also, don't think about getting back together. It's not going to happen. What you had is done. What comes next is something different. Exactly what form it'll take remains to be seen, but just take the time and let it sort itself out.

You're going to be moving to a new city in a new province and starting university soon. It's small comfort right now, but in a year you'll have so much going that you won't even know yourself anymore. Focus on you and getting done what you need to get done. It may turn out that this is the best possible thing. It's hard to see from where you are how that could possibly be, but it's the truth.

I have said before that TFP is something like a family. We have our squabbles and we're not perfect, but we're a tight knit group and our members are here for each other. You're a part of that now. It will get better, and meanwhile life will go on.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

lotsofmagnets

sorry to hear it

i assume you´ve sat down and talked at length about it and this is definitely where it ends? if so martian is right - you need some space so she needs to be out of the picture for a while then a little down the track you can genuinely be friends with her. you never know what the future holds.

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

Baraka_Guru

Martian has it right. Good on you, Martian.

You have a world of possibilities ahead of you, pmf21; don't look back unless it is to help you get perspective of what's to come. You don't want to lose time with exercises of futility or ruminating with guilt...trust me.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

little_tippler

try not to succumb to the urge of calling her to come help you out...as a best friend. It's cheesy and you'll regret asking for that crutch later.

Play some good painful music to get it out of your system. Take a long walk and breathe some fresh air...

Think of all the possibilities now ahead of you...new city, studying, being single again...it's all in the open. Do things you had stopped doing because you were with her. Something new, or that you've missed. It should cheer you up a little.

As for the friends thing...distance is needed, I agree with Martian. Though I feel that the friends thing is usually an illusion myself - but each of us has their own way of handling things.

Apart from this...it will hurt. Even with supportive people around you. It would be good if you could think of someone to talk to, if you need it - there must be someone. Meanwhile, the TFP is here for you...we'll help as far as is possible.

You'll be alright. Give it time.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

snowy

Martian summed up what most of us are going to say. It's really important that you take time for yourself, do things that you enjoy, and sort yourself out first.

You'll get through this, I'm sure of it--it will just take time.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

soma

Ugh. Sucks.
eHug

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

World's King

I got a bottle a Jameson and heartbreak.


Meet you later.



I got your back.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

thespian86

Dude, you have no idea how much I needed someone last night to be like "I'm going to take you out tonight".

I went to see my dad and we hung out for a bit; we talked a little about it but I think just being in the same room with someone was a huge help. Today I'm going to lunch with a girl I knew in high school who I haven't seen for a few months while she was at school; we used to be good friends and since Ash I've kind of lost most of my friends, which I want to change fast. Then I'm driving to my best friends house who is taking me camping for a week. I woke up this morning and for ten minutes I didn't think about it which was nice hahahaha but it's back in my head. I think I just need some time. Thanks for the encouragement.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Cynthetiq

take care of yourself first

it sounds like you're already starting to do that.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Baraka_Guru

In my own opinion, this is probably one of the best things you can do about now.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Leto

I echo pretty well everything that Martian said.

It's going to hurt, but look at what's ahead. I'll wager that a year from now, you will look back at this with a tug, and a wince, but you will have so much under your belt, that you wont be able to look back.

take care of yourself.

snowy

PMF, it sounds like you're off to a really good start.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

highthief

You need time away from her - and I don't mean a week. Maybe one day you can be good friends with her (I am with my first wife) but it does take real time - as in months or even years - and you both need to have genuinely moved on in the interim.

Good luck.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

Daniel_

Sounds like you've done the right things - hope you get through this.

You may well not ever get to the friends place, but if you try you can at least be proud of yourself.

Good luck.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

walkdontwalk

Chiming in with everyone else; I think you've made a good decision to get some space and surround yourself with familiar faces.

Let me know how you manage it dude. I've yet to be able to stay friends with a single ex

__________________
Sigs are overrated...

Shauk

Don't be me.

girldetective

It has been 2 weeks exactly since I have seen or communicated with Tpop. Those first 10 days were messy with tears and snot and spit and naps and a couple of mental health days from work, and just all around crumbling down. But now just 4 days after the worst, things are looking brighter and Im feelng happy and hopeful. I dont know what to expect, as you probably dont either, but whatever it is PMF21 in the end youll be good and fine and things will be polished smooth in one way or another. Whether you take it in baby steps or long strides, dont you think the path youre on is sort of a wild of possibilities. Exciting stuff maybe.

Also, I ate boxes of Red Vines candy. They proved helpful.

besitos.

*

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

thespian86

Hey guys, just a quick update, thanks for all the support:

It looks like it isn't going to change. We haven't spoken since, but I just got back from camping on an island in the atlantic. It was a great time, read a couple books, cooked, hiked... felt great to get out. I feel weird about it still and I am still in the "man I hope she comes back" phase but I know it's not going to happen. She has been telling friends the same story she told me (for the record, I didn't ask them to tell me, they did and I told them I wasn't interested) but I'm almost 99% sure it has to do with me going to TO. She was fine until then, and then her beginning of school started six months later, I think it would have a lot to do with it. I miss her tremendously but I'm doing my best to be strong.

Thats about it.

EDIT: I wrote this on my lunch break, then stopped myself twice from writing her. Almost sent one but then decided it was the wrong thing to do. But the rest of the afternoon was hell... I haven't really eaten for a few days now and I can't seem to make myself do it. Work was full of me not talking (I'm usually the loudest/happiest) and snapping at those who decided to talk to me. This is almost too hard.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

snowy

Sounds like you're doing the right things--keep your head up, keep busy, and before you know it, you'll be off to Toronto.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

girldetective

Did you get the Red Vines? Really, they will make it easier. Get the ones in the box or if you go to a big-box store you can get a whole big-ass jumbo thing.

Edit: And they're fat free.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

thespian86

hahaha I have yet to get the Red Vines? What are they, I've never even heard of them? I know, it's probably shocking.

I spoke with my parents tonight, and discussed my avenues. i also spoke with a couple of friends about it. I thought about it for awhile and decided I would email her saying some well placed words. i sent it, and I expect an answer of "nothing has changed" which I think I've started to come to terms with, perhaps only momentarily, and that feels good. I wrote a list of things I want to do but were unable to do. I asked a girl out for coffee (as a friend, but Ash didn't like her so I stayed clear out of respect for her), I emailed my uncle about working in Virginia this summer until I go to TO which I've always wanted to do, and other things.

But there is a problem. Earlier this fall I met a girl, in university, named Steph. Steph and I quickly became close friends and I noticed after a week that she had feelings for me. She is beautiful, incredibly so, so smart and fun, and ambitious. And her dad has tickets for him and I to see the Bills play Miami in TO which means I might marry her. The problem is I needed a place to stay, and Steph's family lives in a large home in the Annex, which is where I'm looking to live. I was honest about why I didn't feel comfortable staying with her but her family insisted and I "wasn't allowed to say no to three of them" so I accepted. Now we are searching for apartments for me (although I might have one lined up) and going out saturday night.

I don't know how to feel about this. I was interested but faithful so I never ever acted on it. But now I'm single. I know it's too soon, but is it too soon to approach? I don't know... this is so complicated.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Baraka_Guru

I don't think they're available in Canada. Just get a big bag of Nibs.

They're fat-free too, but don't forget they're empty calories.


Oh, and don't rush in. (I'm not talking about the Nibs here.)

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

snowy

Yes, do give yourself some time and just be friends with Steph for a while. But you never know how things turn out.

Love and life are two things where you really have to learn to go with the flow.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

lotsofmagnets

just relax and enjoy the ride.

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

*Nikki*

It may or not be too soon. I met my husband a couple of weeks after a break up with my then fiance.

thespian86

I've been good for the past couple days. I took off the bracelet she made me, took down stuff from my walls, I'm making plans to move on. And all of a sudden I cried from the first time. Not over the stuff being packed away, I stumbled across this video of her on my computer while cleaning it out and she said "My Taylor... well he's a freak, but that's why I love him". Another which she played with our kitten, which is now a cat in front of me as I type. And I cried.

I'm trying so hard to move on, I've emailed her but she hasn't replied but I'm not going to hassle her. Man, why does this come and go. It hurts so bad sometimes, then ten seconds later I'm all gung-ho for my new life, making plans, shaking hands. I don't understand this.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Baraka_Guru

Try not to rationalize emotions. But you are doing the right thing to work through with them. I know exactly how you feel.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Martian

That's how it goes. It hurts like hell, then it's better, then something gets ya and it hurts again. The times when it's better get progressively longer until eventually it just doesn't hurt anymore.

Been there, bro. It's practically a rite of passage. You'll get through this and be stronger for it.

Tim Armstrong says to count on your friends:

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

girldetective

Monday will be 3 weeks since Ive seen or communicated with the Tpop. I have erased all of his messages and numbers and culled through our emails. I have closed my email account. I did these things last weekend. It took 2 weeks of stinky funky missed work days, but I did it. I think of him most of the day still, and try to distract myself. The other night I cried on the way home and cried his name out loud. I daydream about him.

Im not sure that it will go away PMF21, but I think it will lessen and we will get used to it, and more importantly learn from it. One day I think we will wake-up the train will have stopped at a new station. Until then, 1000 besitos for you my friend.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

thespian86

I know how you feel. Cleaning my room of her felt very disgusting; disgusted in myself for giving up, I felt so disloyal and dirty. At the same time I have this feeling that me liberating myself from her will have made it that much easier, in hindsight. I haven't gotten rid of her emails or the gifts she's given me (like a scrapbook) because I want those in the future, and right now they are inconsequential.

My friend has taken my cell phone, so I can't text her. I haven't heard her voice, except for the video of relationship past, in days. I feel so weak which is normal for me, but usually it is internal while my public figure is that of extreme but unspoken confidence; now I can't hide this weakness.

I worked out today as a distraction, about two hours longer then I usually do. I wrote two drafts for one act plays because I'm doing one with a fringe theatrefest that is huge in town. Both of which are about suffering over a relationship (One is the span of four year of aftermath after a gay friend kills a student and himself. Another is a father's death, and the conversation between the father and son at his funeral). I feel like fucking Gus Van Sant for god sakes.

Someone needs to slap me awake. The only thing that makes it hard is the constant polarization of my take on this; sometimes I'm for, others I'm very not. The extremes are hard to handle; and I don't mean The Black Crowes because that would rock, literally.

I kind of wish I could have a good cry about it. When my father was sick this fall (he is also a member here so I won't share his name) I cried almost instantly and felt this insane release that helped me be rational but fuck, I cannot force my own sanity to come around. I want to say I'm feeling better but there are still those "far and in between" moments of dying inside.

Fuck.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

soma

Fuck indeed. Your posts remind me of when my GF dumped me.
ehug

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

thespian86

I'm sorry, I don't know how many here are still interested, if they were at all. This is the last update and only because I'm very confused.

I saw her today and we spoke and it is obviously killing her. This makes me sad and kind of happy at the same time, about 95% the first, and the latter only because I know I'm not alone. But there are a few things that stood out to me. She was upset that I had taken off the matching bracelets we wore, and she still had hers on. She hugged me very tightly, and very hard when I left, like she did when she needed me. She talked about it with a voice that completely contradicted it's subject. I don't know if she regrets it or wants to get back together. Now I know what your thinking but it's not that.

I'm actually quite past it now, there is an obvious attraction there, but once I've decided on something I tend to stick to my guns, and it honestly wasn't that hard to see her as most of my feelings have dwindled, while she was a wreck. This girl is family; she probably always will be. The feelings I have for her are generally one of caring, not of wanting, and I just want to know if there is a way I can make this transition easier. My way would be backing off, but if a different road has to be taken, should I? I feel obligated to, and especially if its not slight to me, what is really stopping me. We are both adults, and at least I have a clear head, so what do you think.

i already know you'll say "don't do it" hahaha.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

snowy

There is nothing you can do to make it easier for her. Sorry. Being around her, or trying to be her friend right now, will actually just make things more difficult and painful in the long run.

Again, like we've all said already--you need to give yourself the time and space to heal, and she needs the same thing. She started this, and she needs to be a big girl and deal with it. I know it sounds incredibly callous, but she has to live with the consequences of her actions. Period.

Try and keep your contact with her to a minimum. It's for the best--really.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Martian

No. You want affirmation, you'll have to look somewhere else for it. onesnowyowl is right; it's better for everyone if you both take your space. If she can't see that for herself then you're going to have to be the one who steps up and makes sure it happens.

Sometimes it's hard to see, is all.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

abaya

What Snowy said in her last post, and... Yep, most of us have been there, done that, and we came out on the other side okay. It takes all kinds of time to get through it, depending on your personality and experience. But everyone always gets through it. And it does make you a better person... it makes you realize that you can survive that kind of pain, and that you learned something from it.

Life does go on.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

thespian86

hey just an update:

Well it's been a month and a bit since we ended it. I've actually rebounded quite well and had a couple of dates, go out with a new group of friends, meet tons of new people. And I am at least beginning to get over what we had.

Recently we started speaking, being friendly, and I notice I'm still attracted but not interested in dating her, at all. Tonight we begin talking and it comes down to the one issue that essentially ended our relationship from our first year in (just in the past few months it became unbearable). It almost becomes a fight and I just say fuck it, I'm not going to walk on eggshells, and lay it out and she says "Ok. I understand" and she says she finally understands and is having a small epiphany.

I almost cried because I was so happy. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and provided a lot of closure, as well as made me feel great for helping what used to be my best friend. She needed this lesson so bad and for me to finally make her realize what everyone has been saying... I can't even describe it.

Anyways life is going well, and I really love it. Thanks for all the support you guys gave me when I was struggling. It meant a lot

-Taylor

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

soma

Glad to hear you're doing so well. Keep it up

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

Leto

so good to hear that. Now you can refocus on your school year and living in a new city an all that.