Same old love junk, but maybe not
 

Im on vacation last week and this, in sunny Phoenix, Palm Springs, and Sedona. Im baking and taking 8 hour coffee breaks. Its great, Im happy, except for one little twitch.

Im in a movie romance with Tpop and I am in a hurry to get stinky dirty with reality. I dont know that I can stand much more of this quintessential fictional, 2d, Hollywood romance stuff. I mean I love and am taken with really everything and I want it to continue, but it struck me that just yesterday on the phone he asked me what I did for work--3 months after meeting him! Until the end of Feb when he mistakenly said something Tpop was unwilling to talk about reality, at all. Let me reiterate that - AT ALL. Each time I see him I love the romance and leave on Cloud 9, but with sort of a bitter taste. I have become different, wary, and vulnerable waiting for real life. At the same time, since the end of Feb there have been 4 conversations where just a trickle of the real gook has come up and I find I am so vulnerable to it, that I cant stand that either. The reason for this is that when it does come up, Tpop sees it and looks the other way. He will not acknowledge anything other than it did come up but it will not again, and he will make sure of it by saying, "Were not going to talk about that", and he will not. It is very withholding. So, instead of the girl who is looking to keep romance alive, I am the girl looking to burn it to the ground, dig a hole, and bury it at least for the time being.

So, yesterday I get home early and I am at my friend Marylee's house and she is reading me responses she received to a personal dating ad she placed. Were in her kitchen and Im leaning against her counter drinking a cup of coffee, paying attention with just one ear while my mind wanders, thinking of Tpop. Then I hear her say the word "ukulele" and I perk up a bit. I asked her to read it again and Im thinking, "Wow, that sounds like Tpop". Then she read the last sentence, "It could be a friendship or a passionship", and I pretty much knew for certain it was Tpop not because I recognized the words, but I recognized his style. Of course, Tpop and I had a date yesterday too since Id been gone for 2 weeks and I asked him about it and many other real things in a calm, yet forthright manner. He had answered her ad. In addition, he is married. And he has 3 children. And he wants me as a lover still. A tall handsome architect who is married, has a lover, and is looking for another lover. What is the matter with people? Im stunned

and Im really terribly hurt. I cant do this dating/love thing again for some time.

Bastard. I'm really sorry. But you the know the old useless adage that never helps when you're hurting...'you're better off without him.' :icare:

Did you know he was married?

Regardless... What a dick!

Wow. It's like a telenovella. I'm sorry that you're hurt. I promise, not all of us are bastards and you'll meet someone who will realize why your amazing and make you want to realize it. Sounds like said 2d, unrealistic bullshit but some of us boys actually work like that. Go figure. I hope things work out.

How absolutely horrible for you! I'v gotten the, "surprise I'm married", announcement too. Thank God you found out now, it really could have come when you were deeply in love and unable to walk away with your pride in tact. All men are not like this, don't give up just yet, just be more aware next time.

When I met Tpop I wondered if he was married. There was no indication or anything to alert me to this fact, but I wondered. I asked him twice, he said no, and I believed him, but it got me thinking about adultery and I posted a thread about it, believing it had nothing to do with me. There has been no indication otherwise until yesterday.

Hope you had a nice time on vacation. Sorry you came back to a mess like this, not all guys are jerks. But something like this is likely going to take time to heal. You're obviously a lovely, intelligent lady. You'll come out of this better and stronger. I have no doubts.

Isn't it weird that you sensed it, even if you didn't follow that intuition?

You know I often intuit things for whatever reason, and then I think about them and wait to see if the feeling makes sense. In this case I thought not. Tpop is available to me any day of the week, any time of day. We kissed all over town, had dates openly, went to parties together, attended concerts, galleries, museums, and so forth. Looking back closely now for something there was just no indication other than my own feeling at the beginning, other than he withheld reality. The complete and total romance with no reality allowed was the indicator. I have learned. Again.

There was something you posted somewhere just a week or so that made me go "oh, he's married". Figured that was a given....
I'd be more pissed that he answered a dating ad...sheesh, he already had something going and regardless of why he was straying, that just made your position look worthless. That's what it's really all about....he's a serial cheater that made you feel like there was reason and worth behind the relationship, only to make it inconsequential by seeking out yet another one.
Sorry you found out like that, but some people are just cold hearted liars.

The correct term is sociopath, or in current DSM-IV lingo antisocial personality. With confrontation and obsessive digging it is apparent that this is true of Tpop. As for my own naivete and vulnerability, well this is what happens when you begin your dating history as an adult and have no experience. One looks less foolish when a teen and encountering these problems. It is just plain ass weird to be an adult and an adolescent simultaneously.