My girl found out her grandma' is dying; how do I react? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sasKuach · 01-01-2008, 08:25 PM

So as the title says, this girl I've been seeing for 2 months just found out two days ago that her grandmother has bone cancer and has only months to live. Naturally, she isn't her usually cheerful self. So what do I say? How do I console her? What do I do? This is a first for me.

Thanks all

Plan9 · 01-01-2008, 08:30 PM

Be honest but don't be a Hallmark card line in human form.

This is something she has to deal with. You? Not so much.

Let her talk when she needs to and give her space if she desires.

Doing nice and quiet things for her might work out well.

Bring her hot tea, a blanket, enjoy some silence or let her vent.

ratbastid · 01-01-2008, 08:33 PM

You can't make her feel better. It's only going to be hard for her until her grandmother dies, and for some time after that. Your job--your ONLY job--is to have whatever she's going through be the right thing to be going through, no matter WHAT it looks like.

allaboutmusic · 01-02-2008, 04:32 AM

As the others have said... just be there. Sometimes sitting quietly with someone can be the most powerful and right thing to do.

jewels · 01-02-2008, 04:52 AM

All of the above. Let her know that it is slightly awkward for you but she should let you know if there's ever anything you can do.

surferlove007 · 01-02-2008, 06:18 AM

I went through this recently with my grandfather, although it turned out the original diagnosis said he had 3 to 6 months, in reality he died 3 weeks from the diagnosis. This happened the week before final exams this past Fall semester at Texas Tech. I ended up driving from Lubbock to DFW to catch a flight home to Atlanta with my mom to be sure we were there. What's worse is when you're not able to be with the person because they're so far away so if she's local to your girlfriend that's a blessing. So be prepared for that as well. Also James and I were apart when I had to deal with the loss of him and all by myself, go to the funeral by myself and just be alone a lot and it was a lot harder. It makes you feel a world better when you have the arms of someone to hold you during such a rough time and a shoulder to cry on. It's a very big deal and as the others have said the best thing to do is be available to her. Let her talk about her grandma. But also remind her that when she does pass it will be for the better since she won't be in pain anymore, at least that was my Granddads situation, he had cancer in 4 different places. Hope she can be alright when dealing with this. Also this was my first major loss to my family when I had known him since I could remember, my other set of grandparents passed when I was very young. Tell her to be thankful for the time they have now.

genuinegirly · 01-02-2008, 07:10 AM

What do you do?
Give her hugs. Lots of hugs. Everytime you see her, give her a hug. Don't ask her how it's going. She'll tell you.

Push-Pull · 01-02-2008, 07:40 AM

Listen. Really listen. Light touching and hugs. Lots of little things. Let her set the pace of the relationship. Any problems you have in the mean time are going to have to be pretty big before you should get her involved.

sasKuach · 01-02-2008, 11:11 AM

Thanks for the replies everybody, it's a good thing I asked (because I would have done something like asking her about things, which some of you have said not to do). So again, thanks for clearing this up a bit for me and sharing experiences from your lives. May you all have a Happy New Year.

Plan9 · 01-02-2008, 12:23 PM

Joke: In her moment of weakness... demand sex.

World's King · 01-02-2008, 12:54 PM

Be there for her in every way you can think of... and a few you don't know yet.

Bill O'Rights · 01-02-2008, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by World's King

Be there for her in every way you can think of... and a few you don't know yet.

Y'know...every once in a great while...I see hope for you yet.

Just be there for her, without being underfoot of the family. You've been going out for only 2 months. It's not like you're a fixture within the family. And listen. Not that pretend listening that we men are prone to do, but really listen. Ask if there is anything that you can do. And be prepared to follow through.

spiderman · 01-02-2008, 02:16 PM

Sincere hugs help a lot. But they have to be 'meant' to work.

01-01-2008, 08:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
sasKuach Tilted	My girl found out her grandma' is dying; how do I react? So as the title says, this girl I've been seeing for 2 months just found out two days ago that her grandmother has bone cancer and has only months to live. Naturally, she isn't her usually cheerful self. So what do I say? How do I console her? What do I do? This is a first for me. Thanks all

01-01-2008, 08:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Be honest but don't be a Hallmark card line in human form. This is something she has to deal with. You? Not so much. Let her talk when she needs to and give her space if she desires. Doing nice and quiet things for her might work out well. Bring her hot tea, a blanket, enjoy some silence or let her vent. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

01-02-2008, 04:52 AM	#5 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	All of the above. Let her know that it is slightly awkward for you but she should let you know if there's ever anything you can do. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

01-02-2008, 07:10 AM	#7 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	What do you do? Give her hugs. Lots of hugs. Everytime you see her, give her a hug. Don't ask her how it's going. She'll tell you. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

01-02-2008, 07:40 AM	#8 (permalink)
Push-Pull I'll ask when I'm ready.... Location: Firmly in the middle....	Listen. Really listen. Light touching and hugs. Lots of little things. Let her set the pace of the relationship. Any problems you have in the mean time are going to have to be pretty big before you should get her involved. __________________ "No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me- "Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown- DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

01-01-2008, 08:33 PM	#3 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	You can't make her feel better. It's only going to be hard for her until her grandmother dies, and for some time after that. Your job--your ONLY job--is to have whatever she's going through be the right thing to be going through, no matter WHAT it looks like.

01-02-2008, 04:32 AM	#4 (permalink)
allaboutmusic Aurally Fixated	As the others have said... just be there. Sometimes sitting quietly with someone can be the most powerful and right thing to do.

01-02-2008, 06:18 AM	#6 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	I went through this recently with my grandfather, although it turned out the original diagnosis said he had 3 to 6 months, in reality he died 3 weeks from the diagnosis. This happened the week before final exams this past Fall semester at Texas Tech. I ended up driving from Lubbock to DFW to catch a flight home to Atlanta with my mom to be sure we were there. What's worse is when you're not able to be with the person because they're so far away so if she's local to your girlfriend that's a blessing. So be prepared for that as well. Also James and I were apart when I had to deal with the loss of him and all by myself, go to the funeral by myself and just be alone a lot and it was a lot harder. It makes you feel a world better when you have the arms of someone to hold you during such a rough time and a shoulder to cry on. It's a very big deal and as the others have said the best thing to do is be available to her. Let her talk about her grandma. But also remind her that when she does pass it will be for the better since she won't be in pain anymore, at least that was my Granddads situation, he had cancer in 4 different places. Hope she can be alright when dealing with this. Also this was my first major loss to my family when I had known him since I could remember, my other set of grandparents passed when I was very young. Tell her to be thankful for the time they have now.

01-02-2008, 11:11 AM	#9 (permalink)
sasKuach Tilted	Thanks for the replies everybody, it's a good thing I asked (because I would have done something like asking her about things, which some of you have said not to do). So again, thanks for clearing this up a bit for me and sharing experiences from your lives. May you all have a Happy New Year.

01-02-2008, 12:23 PM	#10 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Joke: In her moment of weakness... demand sex. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

01-02-2008, 12:54 PM	#11 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	Be there for her in every way you can think of... and a few you don't know yet. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

01-02-2008, 02:16 PM	#13 (permalink)
spiderman Rebourne - God, I love life, so, thanks! Location: Up your nose with a rubber hose	Sincere hugs help a lot. But they have to be 'meant' to work. __________________ Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.