soma

What are the general rules to playing the field in dating?
I'm going on a date with an old flame tonight, and got another girl's number last night who I really want to see too. I feel like a complete ass trying to date two people at once.

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Having Girl Problems?

analog

Just be honest about the situation. It's only shady if you're telling them all that they're the only one. Apart from that, dating is dating- people see more than one person at a time while strictly "dating", unless you want to use another term for it like hanging out or something.

For me, I use the word "date" to mean exclusivity, and I think many others do as well. Maybe just don't call it dating. Just say you're seeing other people, and you don't mean to be exclusive right now- though I wouldn't volunteer that information. It'd be awkward to tell someone, "by the way, I know this is our first time hanging out, but we're not going to be exclusive". If it comes up, though, be totally forthcoming and you'll be fine.

tecoyah

At this stage, as you are not in actual relationship creation mode, I would think there are no "Rules". If by chance you have formed a commitment in your own mind, or have reason to believe it exists in the mind of another....then be honest and forthright with yourself or the woman. Treat her as you would want to be treated...by her.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Infinite_Loser

If you don't plan on dating the other person exclusively, then tell them beforehand. "Don't ask, don't tell" is a terrible policy to follow when dealing with other people.

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

Ustwo

Don't ask don't tell, get that new pussy like the doctor ordered. You don't have to share EVERYTHING about you when you are just getting to know someone.

Girl asks 'Are you seeing anyone?'
You answer 'No one seriously.'

Being I had just 'figured' out dating just prior to meeting my wife I was dating 3 women, no one seriously. They faded out of the picture as I focused on my would be wife.

Funny was about three months into it I ran into one of the old ones who suddenly had a lot more interest in me and said 'Well if it doesn't work out with her give me a call.'

So play the field, just don't be a dick about it and have them thinking you are a couple while its going on. If you do get serious then its time to tell the others goodbye and thanks for playing.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Infinite_Loser

^We call that being a player and, funnily enough, most women look down upon that kind of thing.

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

telekinetic

YOU call that being a player. I don't know who the 'we' is that you claim to represent.

I don't see anything wrong with casually dating a couple people at once, as long as exclusivity is neither expected or implied on either party. Casually dating several people at once is really just making the most of being single

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twisted no more

tecoyah

^^^what he said^^^^

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Infinite_Loser

*Ahem*

Yes, I'd define that as being a player. Knowingly going out on dates with other people while being physically involved with someone else(s) seems wrong to me. I'm be more concerned that you DON'T. The underlying assumption (The one which most people hold) of going out on a date with someone is that you're looking for an exclusive relationship. It's hard to take someone seriously who is 'dating' a group of people. All this casual dating crap is, IMO, a nice little euphemism for trying to garner the benefits of being in a relationship from as many people as possible without actually being confined to any relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong.

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

tecoyah

Hate to break it to 'ya...but from my experience you are in a minority in this understanding of Dating. Most people have multiple friends of the opposite sex they hang out with, but not all are a target of exclusive relationship searches. I can be on a date with a friend, and still flirt with someone I meet, just as she can....hell, sometimes thats half the point of the date in the first place.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Willravel

Rules
1) No rape
2) Refer back to Rule 1
3) Treat people the way you wish to be treated.

MSD

It's all good until you're dishonest about it. If you tell someone it's just you and her, that's what it should be. If you go on several dates and it hasn't come up, you'd better do it soon. In college, it's pretty much expected that you'll go on dates with multiple people, but cut it down to one when it stars to get serious unless all parties agree on an open relationship.

telekinetic

Be careful how you try to project your morality as the social norm, and look down your nose at more liberal viewpoints. It is not an endearing trait.


Since you asked, you are wrong. Just because casually dating is outside the realm of your personal experience doesn't make it fair game for you acting holier-than-thou about it.

Are you saying that single people shouldn't (or can't?) date, without intent to enter into a serious relationship? I'm not single, but when I was, I definitely enjoyed dating (and being casually physically involved with the people I was dating, to varying levels, as they were comfortable), and didn't have any thought to 'exclusivity'.

I had one friend that I spent the night with fairly regularly, a couple I could call if I wanted to catch a movie or go to a comedy show, one who would come over and work on my car with me....I went out with a stripper whenever she was on the rocks with her boyfriend (or broken up) and wanted company, and I still went out to parties and clubs (with varying degrees of success at getting dates and phone numbers).

The most fun I had while I was single was casually dating two girls at once who were best friends with eachother, and all three of us vacationing to Rocky Point with a few other people for spring break--definitely had one of the best times of my life...due to a room shortage we 'had' to share a double bed between the three of us...I called middle!

We all three eventually moved on with no hard feelings, as more serious relationships came along, as we never had any intent to pursue anything serious with eachother. I actually had very mixed feelings about ending that period of my life...Personally, I am more happy being married, at the stage of my life I am in, but if you aren't ready to be married, or haven't found "the one"....I'd say casual dating is miles better than being in a dead-end serious relationship with someone you don't want to marry....definitey more fun

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twisted no more

Infinite_Loser

Wait! So you're telling me that I somehow have to be accepting of people who want to be 'players'? Yeah... I don't think so. Quite honestly, You'll be hard press to find many people who agree with your point of view as that kind of behavior is looked down upon in most Western cultures (Especially by women in general. Imagine that!). Hanging out with someone is one thing. Hanging out with multiple people solely to garner some sort of sexual gratification while committing to none well, in the words of a (Semi-) famous wrestler, "That's not cool!" If that's what you're seeking from a relationship, then you should tell them that up front (None of this "Don't ask, don't tell BS). Otherwise it's not fair to the other party involved.

Oh, and I got bored, so here's your definition of player

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

World's King

If you're dating more then one person at a time you have to figure that the girls you're dating are dating other people as well.


All in all... use a condom... or stick to anal.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

MSD

The social norm is to date around and only make it an exclusive relationship when both people want to get more serious and/or it's agreed upon.

Hyacinthe

From what I can see Soma you've met a new girl and are reconnecting with an old flame, you don't really know what is going on with the flames life or anything about this new girl.

First few dates are therefore 'getting to know you' dates, you learn stuff about the girls and whether either of them are interested in an exclusive relationship as well as if you're willing for a monogamous relationship with either of them.

There's nothing wrong with that - least I don't think so. For all you know this new girl could spend her spare time pulling the wings off butterflies or torturing kittens - probably not a good idea to decide to be exclusive with her until you know if she's mentally stable.

I like Ustwo's idea if they ask just say "nothing serious" it's truthful - yes you're seeing other people, no you're not in a currently exclusive relationship. If you told either of the girls that you were seeing her and her alone that to me would be cheating - as it is well if you're single it's hard to cheat Mrs palm and her five daughters aren't really the jealous type after all.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

soma

So the date with my old flame went well and she wants to continue seeing me.
Today, I also just made plans with this other girl to do something on saturday.
edit: Actually, the date with this old flame was pretty horrible. Or at least that's what I thought. So after the bad date, I called this other girl, made plans with her for next saturday thinking nothing more would happen with this old flame of mine. Then today, I find out that my old flame actually enjoyed herself and wants to continue seeing me.
This seems great, but now I feel like an incredible douche.

Really. I don't want to do anything deceptive and for sure don't want to get a reputation for being a player, because I'm far from it. My ex was the first and only person I've ever dated. This old flame of mine is someone that had a crush on me, but we never dated.

How do I proceed with these two girls without hurting anyone?

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Having Girl Problems?

masfina

From a female perspective... The "rules" of engagement seem to be very different. Like... If a woman wants to date more than one man, she deals with the internalized message [socially] that she is a "whore." Somehow the assumption is that men can date more than one woman, and -- if he is honest -- that is considered natural.. He is considered "interesting," "playing the field,".. etc...

Women.. on other hand, are often considered "promiscuous."... I have rarely met a man who is comfortable with MY notion of dating other men.. even flirting with other men...

The standards seem different, is all I'm saying.

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If you love someone... Set them free. - Sting

telekinetic

Wait...what?

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twisted no more

masfina

LOL... If a woman wants to date more than one man... i.e., be NONexclusive -- my bad.. typo sorry

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If you love someone... Set them free. - Sting

Infinite_Loser

...And the truth shall set you free.

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

World's King

The only way to do that with success is to stick to pron stars or strippers.



Most normal girls won't allow it. They will act hurt even if they couldn't give a fuck about you. Make you feel bad for even thinking about dating someone else... even though she may not want to date you.



So like I said. Stick to whores.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

dirtyrascal7

Tell them the truth... that you aren't looking for anything serious, but that you enjoy spending time with them. Don't deny or hide that you're spending time with other girls, but I wouldn't go out of my way to make it known, either. Just act like it's not a big deal... because it isn't. Casual dating is not being a player.

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"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Hyacinthe

Soma would you say that you're in an exclusive relationship with either of these two girls?

Yes skip to the bottom of this post
No - read the following

You are currently single, neither of these girls has a claim on you or your time except as a friend and a POTENTIAL relationship partner. This means they have no right what so ever to get pissed off about you spending time with another woman, if they do and don't approach it rationally then find a new one - you've had enough drama in your love life lately.









If you consider yourself to be exclusive with one of these girls casually mentioned the fact that you have a GF to the other one and treat her as a friend and a friend only, or cut off contact (your choice)

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."