Recruiting freinds and family to sway spouse? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Push-Pull · 11-13-2007, 06:25 AM

Long story short, my wife and I are really struggling right now financially. I'm working essentially 3 jobs (a full, a part time, and as much side work I can do out of my garage). She's a few months out of back surgery, but recovering well enough to be able to do household stuff (including light yardwork) for a couple hours at a time. We would be considerably better off if she would find a part time job, but she's holding out for Social Security Disability with no idea how much longer before her case is heard. Her excuse is (nearly) always that she can't stand/sit in one place too long. (despite her obvious ability to do chores around the house...)

Something needs to be done. Soon. No, not soon. NOW.

Certainly, I can appeal to her again, but I'm afraid that it will sound more like an ultimatum than anything. Even if I'm careful, there's a good chance that any discussion we hold would be construed as an ultimatum.

I could also ask friends/family to talk to her "independently" and try to sway her in this matter. I'm sure that this seems to be a bit of an underhanded way to deal with a spouse, but this situation is getting desperate enough for me to try it.

So, for the sake of asking a question for you fine TFPer's to answer, what would you do?

Glory's Sun · 11-13-2007, 11:35 AM

and.. what is wrong with an ultimatum exactly?

If she needs to work in order for you both to make it, then that's just the fact of the matter. It's not like she can't still apply for disability while she's working part time. She has an injury that only allows her to work part time.. this will just allow you to have some money until you figure out the disability.

You're the bread winner.. you have every right to set an ultimatum if necessary.

telekinetic · 11-13-2007, 11:44 AM

I wouldn't even dream of trying to manipulate friends and relatives against my wife. That would blow up in my face SO fast...maybe your situation is different, but if I had a gripe that I took to her sister to try to get her to mention discretely, the conversation would go something like "So, twisted wanted me to tell you you're getting fat and should try dieting, but he wanted to make it sound like it was my idea, because he was afraid to tell you"

Or whatever. Which would lead to....

Welcome to couch. Population: Me.

The financial issue needs to be dealt with, but do it without manipulation.

Shaindra · 11-13-2007, 01:21 PM

Sit down with the bills. Add up the numbers with her. Ask her how you, *as a team* are supposed to make this work. It isn't just your problem that the ends don't meet and you two need to figure out a way out of this together.

So, no, I wouldn't get family to pressure her to go to work. I would talk to her as an adult, not a recalcitrant child and make a decision as a married couple.

Push-Pull · 11-14-2007, 06:30 AM

Well, this worked out for the better. On the way home, I had already decided against having family/friends intervene, and decided that we needed to talk about it. I brought it up as calmly and gently as possible and it turns out that her mother had earlier that day mentioned a family friend who asked if my wife was available to work at his vet clinic. (Something she has experience with) A brief discussion later, and she's agreed to look into it.

On one hand, I'm disappointed in myself for not having the confidence to bring it up in the first place as well as not giving her the credit for recognizing the situation.

On the other hand, I'm REALLY happy I didn't go through with asking the relatives.....

Sometimes things work out.

Redlemon · 11-14-2007, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Push-Pull

On one hand, I'm disappointed in myself for not having the confidence to bring it up in the first place as well as not giving her the credit for recognizing the situation.
...
Sometimes things work out.

And you learn, and the future is better. Good work.

11-13-2007, 06:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
Push-Pull I'll ask when I'm ready.... Location: Firmly in the middle....	Recruiting freinds and family to sway spouse? Long story short, my wife and I are really struggling right now financially. I'm working essentially 3 jobs (a full, a part time, and as much side work I can do out of my garage). She's a few months out of back surgery, but recovering well enough to be able to do household stuff (including light yardwork) for a couple hours at a time. We would be considerably better off if she would find a part time job, but she's holding out for Social Security Disability with no idea how much longer before her case is heard. Her excuse is (nearly) always that she can't stand/sit in one place too long. (despite her obvious ability to do chores around the house...) Something needs to be done. Soon. No, not soon. NOW. Certainly, I can appeal to her again, but I'm afraid that it will sound more like an ultimatum than anything. Even if I'm careful, there's a good chance that any discussion we hold would be construed as an ultimatum. I could also ask friends/family to talk to her "independently" and try to sway her in this matter. I'm sure that this seems to be a bit of an underhanded way to deal with a spouse, but this situation is getting desperate enough for me to try it. So, for the sake of asking a question for you fine TFPer's to answer, what would you do? __________________ "No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me- "Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown- DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

11-13-2007, 11:35 AM	#2 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	and.. what is wrong with an ultimatum exactly? If she needs to work in order for you both to make it, then that's just the fact of the matter. It's not like she can't still apply for disability while she's working part time. She has an injury that only allows her to work part time.. this will just allow you to have some money until you figure out the disability. You're the bread winner.. you have every right to set an ultimatum if necessary. Last edited by Glory's Sun; 11-13-2007 at 01:53 PM..

11-13-2007, 11:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
telekinetic zomgomgomgomgomgomg Location: Fauxenix, Azerona	I wouldn't even dream of trying to manipulate friends and relatives against my wife. That would blow up in my face SO fast...maybe your situation is different, but if I had a gripe that I took to her sister to try to get her to mention discretely, the conversation would go something like "So, twisted wanted me to tell you you're getting fat and should try dieting, but he wanted to make it sound like it was my idea, because he was afraid to tell you" Or whatever. Which would lead to.... Welcome to couch. Population: Me. The financial issue needs to be dealt with, but do it without manipulation. __________________ twisted no more

11-13-2007, 01:21 PM	#4 (permalink)
Shaindra Psycho Location: Massachusetts	Time to share the pressure Sit down with the bills. Add up the numbers with her. Ask her how you, as a team are supposed to make this work. It isn't just your problem that the ends don't meet and you two need to figure out a way out of this together. So, no, I wouldn't get family to pressure her to go to work. I would talk to her as an adult, not a recalcitrant child and make a decision as a married couple.

11-14-2007, 06:30 AM	#5 (permalink)
Push-Pull I'll ask when I'm ready.... Location: Firmly in the middle....	Well, this worked out for the better. On the way home, I had already decided against having family/friends intervene, and decided that we needed to talk about it. I brought it up as calmly and gently as possible and it turns out that her mother had earlier that day mentioned a family friend who asked if my wife was available to work at his vet clinic. (Something she has experience with) A brief discussion later, and she's agreed to look into it. On one hand, I'm disappointed in myself for not having the confidence to bring it up in the first place as well as not giving her the credit for recognizing the situation. On the other hand, I'm REALLY happy I didn't go through with asking the relatives..... Sometimes things work out. __________________ "No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me- "Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown- DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-