About a Girl: Am I wasting my time?
 

I'll try and keep this short. I was seeing a girl for about 3 weeks, but it was never really dating. We kinda just jumped into relationship habits, but we avoided calling it that cause we didn't want to put a label on us. Everything was solid - I can truly say I trust every world this girl has said. She was open and honest with me at all times. A little over a week ago, she was on aim telling me she's scared she's not ready for a relationship. I then blew up, getting defensive and whatnot because we were doing this on aim and not in person. I guess I accelerated her worrying into a decision that she is not ready. She said she's scared because she likes everything about me, but something is holding her back. She said it was probably her fear of getting hurt, and she also doesn't think she's a good girlfriend. We never talked about it in person - yes I screwed this one up royal.

I wasn't happy about it, and so for the next week I avoided her. When she contacted me, I would respond, but I wouldn't be very friendly, ya know? We have a class together, and I was rather cold to her. I felt like a jerk doing this, but I felt weird just being friends with her when the issue was nothing more than fear. She was still being friendly with me over the weekend, and I was being a little more receptive.

Yesterday was her birthday, so I left 21 roses on her doorstep along with a letter. The letter went into congratulating her, telling her that she's a great person and should appreciate who she is, and all that jazz. I also talked about how I'm not mad at her, I'm just upset because this is something I feel we can work out. I mentioned how I really would like to work it out, and that I think we should talk.

I received a txt msg later last night saying, "thanks, that was really nice." Not knowing what kind of response that is, I say "you're welcome, can we talk?" and she goes "hm, ya if you want. but this week is crazy for me." She definitely has a long week ahead, so after that I asked if I could call her for a minute. She said "sorry no I need to study." Today in class, she flipped the tables on me - I was the one being friendly and upbeat, and she was acting really sad, not saying much. On our way out, instead of talking to me, she said "I'm going home, see ya."

It hurts right now because I feel like I deserved a better response. I think I deserved a discrete, honest response like "thanks, but I'm sorry, I just want to be friends." Instead, I'm left sitting here having to interpret what she's said, and it doesn't sound good at all. I think it's her who should be coming to me, but why would someone who's scared want to fix it? That's why I guess I've tried to take the matter into my hands.

What do you guys think? Is it possible she is stressed, and after a week or somethin, she will talk to me? It really hurts to think I'm losing my chance with her, let alone a friendship. Is there any chance of this working out?

By the way, we're both 21, not in junior high which it might sound like with the stupid AIM and texting.

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and she's buying time to figure that out before she talks to you.

I can accept that interpretation. I definitely want to give her time and not pressure her to make decisions, but I also don't wanna be left hanging for a long time.

You acted like a complete ass towards this girl, and now you're coming to us wondering why she's being stand-offish? Is this a serious post?

Assuming it is, you really have no option at this point but to give it time. She may in the end decide that she doesn't want to be with you anymore and if that's her decision you're just going to have to deal with it. In the meantime, your options are to be patient with her and hope that she'll come around, or cut your losses and move on with your life. Pick one.

Do you really think I acted like an ass? I feel like I was being a jackass, but I apologized and explained in the letter. I see your point, though. Thanks, and I hope I can work it out.

ya I think you kinda acted like an ass, not a huge ass but a little nonetheless. I think your reconciliation was more than enough apology to make up for it though.

She sounds like she isn't that great at communication, or you aren't asking the right questions. You need to talk to her, if she'll allow it, and explain how you just did in this thread. Throw out how you feel, it'll end this much quicker because she's gonna tell you she isn't interested anymore... OR she'll explain what she is feeling and if she just needs you to wait a little bit. Then you'll know what you are getting into at least and weigh the worth of this little situation.

According to what you've said, yes.

Look, this girl did like you. She wanted to be with you, but she had some hang-ups. She tried to explain this to you (and probably chose to do it over AIM deliberately, because I don't reckon it was an easy conversation for her) and you, in your own words, 'blew up, getting defensive and whatnot...'

You then decided that the best possible course of action was to avoid her for a week.

So. Here's this poor girl, who's scared out of her wits. She's falling for you and she wants to let it happen, but she's got this whole problem going on in her head that's making her hesitate. She decides to come to you with it and instead of attempting to help her work through it you dismiss it and get upset with her. Now she's hurt, she's confused and she's even more afraid than she ever was because your actions have reinforced her negative view of romantic relationships.

It doesn't matter if you think fear is a legitimate reason for her to be hesitant. The fact that she thinks it is makes it so, and if you don't understand that then you probably have no shot with her anyway. Having said that, if you still want a chance with this girl and you're lucky enough that she'll give you one, then you're just going to have to wait for her to do it on her terms. And when she does, you're going to have to go into it understanding that she's going to have the same fears she did before and that you're going to have to be okay with that. It'll take time for her to get through it and you'll just have to be patient.

Good luck to you sir. You're going to need it.

Martian's description only covers the first half of your actions. After the week of ignoring her, you then went overboard with flowers and a gushy note, which may have confused her even more.

(warning: uncomfortable assumptions ahead)

Your actions of "ignore, then overflow" reminded me of the emotional swings that are common with spousal abuse. It is frequent for an abuser to hurt the other person, then bring them back with an excess of kindness, only to hurt them again. I am NOT saying that you are an abusive personality, only that she may PERCEIVE early signs of that in your actions.

Assume she's gay, and move on.

I rather doubt a very young woman who 'isn't ready for a relationship' would recognize anything as a sign of a potential abuser.

Ironically the best way to keep them interested in you is to often be a jerk by being distant and ignoring her to some extent.

The gushy flowers was a mistake, to much too soon. You do that for the girl you are having sex with nightly who is already swooning for you. You put yourself back into the 'he really wants me lets see if I can do better' grouping rather then the 'I'm good enough for him' grouping.

Its not game playing, just human nature. Just back off, talk to other girls in class, don't look at her or do more than be social and maybe you can salvage it.

Perhaps shes just unsure about a relationship and she will come around, but she will do that on her own time, you might as well not look desperate while shes making up her mind.

First, when it comes to love and dating... you aren't entitled to anything. Ever.

Forcing the issue will not get you what you want. I know you had good intentions with the flowers and letter, but honestly it was the wrong move to make. You put her up on a pedestal and now she has control of the situation... and you've been trying to reach out and validate yourself to her ever since then.

You cannot control her thoughts or feelings, only yours... so work on getting your emotions and reactions under control first and foremost. Then, just go about your life like normal and stop making her your #1 priority. It's obviously turning her off, so take a step back and see if things turn around again.

Ignore

Did someones name just change or is this cold I'm fighting affecting how I read.

lol sorry, my brother logged in while I was away, I'm under the right name now.

I meant to say

Thanks for responding. I'm sure you're all right on different aspects of the situation. I love it when the best course of action is to make no act at all. We are going to have to talk eventually because work together in class. I do need to get myself together and not let her bother me. I guess I just feel really guilty now after hearing people say I went too far and that I was a jerk. But now I'm forced to sit here with this in my head while I wait for her to come to me.

Here's a thought: apologize for being an ass. She knows you were being an ass, you know you were being an ass, the flowers were nice, but an apology is a better step. Next step, state your intentions about her clearly. Tell her that you like her, but you respect that these things take time. Then back off and give her some space.

Thanks for saving me the trouble of typing all that out. :D

I can't say that there is much else you can do here. Apologize, tell her what you hope for, than back off until she's ready to go there with you. And be ready to move on.

You know, you only joined yesterday, and the internet is very shemale oriented but I do think you are in fact a real female because thats real female advice in this and its wrong. I've found most girls (note I said girls not women) don't take their own thoughts on these matters to heart. Ask a girl whats important in a guy and few would say he should be 'Strong and aloof, seeming to be able to take or leave me at a whim, someone who I feel the need to impress and doesn't try to impress me', yet thats what so many seem to be looking for.

The real nice guy who lets you have your space, and you know wants to be with you pretty much doesn't have a chance unless his physically gorgeous and even then it won't be a sure thing.

Well, I am most certainly not a female, and I thought the advice was right on the money.

Apologize for being an ass, then throw the ball back in her court. What's wrong with that plan? If she's still interested she'll most likely come around.

you also need to remember, just because you apologized to her, doesnt mean she is "instantly" going to "get past it". With some people they really need time to "process" the apology.

Saying I'm sorry doesnt always get you what you want, and it shouldnt. If Im pissed at someone, JUST because they say they are sorry isnt cause for celebration.

Ustwo, I say this with all sincerity... you need to meet me and ktspktsp at some point in real life, because we'll throw your theory of all-women-crave-Hulk-Hogan, etc out the window. :)

All women, no.

A vast majority of women yes.

And its not about Hulk hogan, its about being 'strong' in every sense. This is why that nice guy so rarely gets the girl. Women dating are after the same thing men dating are, and its not sex for sex sake, its sex for procreations sake. I don' care if you are tube tied, he uses 3 condoms, and you are on 4 pills, what makes someone attractive enough to have sex with is that part of the brain which says 'are they good enough for babies with'. If so you get attracted to them. If this wasn't true we would just have sex with everyone for fun, instead of the elaborate 'dance' we do.

Women look for qualities in men different than men do in women, again for the same issues.

This isn't going to work for 100% of the people out there, but see which guys are with which girls. You will find I'm far more correct than wrong.

Haha, that is spot on.

I was wondering if I could subscribe to your newsletter? :thumbsup:

Personally I agree with this to. This girl poured her heart out to you and you got defensive and angry then ignored her for a week or so, how would you feel if the situations were reversed?

Would you instantly forgive her for ignoring you and hurting you that way because she gave you a birthday present (giving the flowers ON her birthday removes them from being an apology gift) and a letter?

Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you to your face because she knows / thinks the conversation you had over AIM is going to be repeated and she's not good with conflict?

When she was honest with you about how afraid she was to start a relationship she probably got hurt and thought she deserved a better response to.

Sounds like you're acting like 21 year old junior high kids.

Be an adult:

You: Hey girl, I like you, give me a chance. Want to go on a date?
Her: errr uhhhh errrrrr uhhh (typical fear-of-commitment bs)
You: Dude, it's just a date, it's not like we're getting married. Not a big deal.
Her: Ok.

Thought I'd update you guys since you might be wondering what's happened. I was friendly to her during the week, and I didn't bring up anything serious since her birthday. I called her Saturday to set up lunch on Sunday, but she did not pick up. I have scared her away, so I will let it go. As much as it pains me that I never got a chance to speak with her in person.

That's cold. And that sucks.
I don't think I have any advice, but I truly hope the best for you :thumbsup:

I wouldn't worry about it. The next one is around the corner and by then you will forget about this one. Probably should keep ignoring her and throw her a small hook in a few weeks and she might come back

I'm looking for a woman just like Abaya

:D hehe. Thanks, Lucifer. Funny thing is, I know Ustwo is right on SOME counts (I have a few female friends who can attest to that, whether consciously or subconsciously), but--as you all know--I vehemently resist anyone implying that I conform to that stereotype, because I simply DON'T conform to it, in thought/word/deed. I think it's rather detestable on the part of women to choose mates in this manner (men as well), even if there are "biological" reasons for doing so... an excuse which I find to be a total cop-out. But, each to their own, I guess. As long as ktspktsp and I are happy, I suppose that's all that matters.

But I can assure you, Lucifer, there are many other women out there who hold the same opinion, and act on it. It seems as if the majority of guys on TFP have not met a lot of those women, but perhaps that says more about the guys themselves than anything else. ;)

Even though it seems to have worked itself out... She's gonna eventually talk to you again. I promise. Girls are just like that. Whatever that happens to be.



And if you have to ask if you're wasting your time... You are.

It's not about being a jerk, it's about not coming off as needy or desperate.
He's right about a lot of things, but I think he gets a bit too cynical at times :)

She spoke to you on AIM. Yeah, not the best place to discuss difficult topics, but she was trying to communicate and you shot her down.

Take this one as a loss and realize that at age 21 you have many more opportunities to come.

Next time, stop yourself from reacting negatively to any sort of communication.
If you'd rather discuss it in person, tell her. "Hey, Sue, how would you like to discuss this in person? 'Cause I have a hard time discussing relationship stuff online or over the phone. You miss so much without body language and intonation. How about a cup of coffee/ice cream cone."

my take on these issues is to take whatever approach you would normally take with one of your guy friends. if you'd be pissed and not talk to him for a week, then do that with her. if you'd call him up to get to the bottom of the situation, then do that.

the sex will sort of take care of itself. if she perceives, as ustwo points out (in a certain fashion), that you treat her exactly like to treat everyone else, not only will you meet abaya's 'don't tread on me, you sexist motherfucker' quota, but she'll simultaneously wonder where you got your dolemite balls from.

or else the next one will, but regardless you can sleep at night knowing you were true to yourself, and not some ridiculous game you were playing. life can be really simple if you let it.

Cool responses, thanks. I hadn't dated anyone in 2 years, so maybe I'll be a little more in shape for the next one. It's good to know I'm still a great kisser. :)