glooper23

There's a girl who met a guy this past summer. She seemed to like him, but then he stopped calling, so she set her sights on me. When he started calling again, she said we should just be friends. When he stopped calling again, she did the same thing. I like her an extreme amount - I have spent time with a lot of girls over the past few years, but I never really liked any. This girl, for some reason, makes me feel so happy. All I want to do is spend time with her...

We went out last week, and she told me she wants to be my girlfriend. We kissed and talked all night. The next day, the guy called again, and she decided she wants him at the moment. I angrily wrote a letter telling her how much it hurts for her to play games with someone who likes her so much. I also talked about how much she means to me, and how I am willing to do anything to make it work with her. She apparently cried after reading my letter because if it wasn't for this other guy, she would instantly go out with me. So now, we're agreeing to be friends, and if it doesn't work with this guy, she will go out with me.

I've tried my hardest to look at this girl as a friend, but I can not do it. When I'm around her, I want so badly to treat her as more than a friend. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I can tell she feels the same way. It really sucks, and I don't know we're going to. We work together, so we have to see eachother all the time.

There's the background, and here's the reason for my post. What do you recommend I do? Should I back off and act like a true platonic friend, something that's simply next to impossible for me to do? She said she would go on walks with me and get to know me better. Should I start to lay it on hard, ya know, give her a reason to choose me over this other guy? They're not bf / gf, they're just "seeing eachother, taking it slow." The guy is about an hour away, and she will only get to him once a month at best. She gets to see me all the time, so I instantly have the leverage there.

I'm going to stop the talk about how much I like her, and I won't try things that are really really above friend level. But, would you recommend I try to convince her to go with me?

ubertuber

Dude - no matter what you do this girl will not return your feelings in the way that you are giving them. She's fishing for the best deal she can find - which means that even if you guys get togeher , she'll be on the lookout for an upgrade.

Save yourself the trouble. Don't try to go out with her, and don't even hang out with her. You're just a dick behind glass - "break in case of emergency".

__________________
Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

Midnight

The ONLY things you should be doing at this point are:

1. WAKE UP!!!!!! This girl is not only a complete jerk, but too immature to know her mind, or how her completely immature actions can and do affect other people.
2.Examine why the hell you would even WANT to be with someone that doesn't give a fuck about you. Um, don't you think you deserve better? and if not, WHY?
3.Get it into your head that there is no such thing as "because if it wasn't for this other guy, she would instantly go out with me." - this means that to her - you are second rate, back-up in case she doesn't have someone, and makes you a complete idiot for allowing it.
4. Find someone that values you for YOU, not someone that values you for the fact that you are a sad lost little puppy that like any other faithful little dog, will always be waiting patiently beside the door, overjoyed for the tidbits of attention that gets thrown their way.

tecoyah

Run....pick a direction and go that way....as long as its not back into her arms. The chances of this situation leading to your happiness are virtually Nil.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

albania

What everyone above me said times two. Unrequited love is one thing...but this is just you being jerked around. On the plus side, if she's anything like you have described then I have a feeling that by blatantly ignoring her you'll probably get to sleep with her.

Push-Pull

Question....

Do you REALLY need this kind of bullshit in your life?

As previously mentioned, pick any direction not leading towards this girl and RUN.

__________________
"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

Willravel

Not sure what you're looking for, really. I'm not going to tell you to knock her up and marry her, obviously. Some questions in life take careful consideration and contemplation. This doesn't seem to be one. Go find someone worthy of your attention. Let her wallow in her shallow existence.

Martian

willravel's my man and tells it like it is.

So, what he said. I reckon if you keep wasting your time with this girl you kinda deserve what you get (which, for the record, will be 'treated like crap'),

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

glooper23

I respect and appreciate all of the quick answers. It is interesting to hear all of you come up with the same response.

I have high self esteem, and I have been making female friends left and right this semester. So, it's not like I'm clinging to the one girl who'll talk to me, ya know. With that out of the way, I'm starting to wonder why I like her at all. The funny thing is, she's ok as a friend, but she's not nearly as fun to be around when she's treating me like one, ya know? It's not as fun for me, but I think that's partly because I'm so uncomfortable. I'm afraid of what I'll say around her cause I'm trying to make a good impression. I don't want to give her more reason to take him over me.

I still want my chance to go out with her because I enjoyed the time with her. And, there is no avoiding this girl since we see eachother every day. If she wasn't someone I'd have to see every day, there would be no problem! I would simply say "screw you" and never talk to her again. It's simply a case where I need to either make myself hate her and avoid her (which is next to impossible), or I try and continue the pursuit. Being just a friend is not fun at all right now.

I don't get the girl at all. See, we are RAs at a college, and one of her residents comes and tells me everything she says about me. Apparently, the girl will talk about the nice things the guy she's interested in says, but then she'll turn the subject to me. When we talk online, she will say things that are simply not friend level. The other day, after the letter confrontation, she mentioned how she always stays up late on AIM, waiting for me to go to bed first. Why the hell would a girl say stuff like that to a friend, ESPECIALLY someone who you just screwed over and had to apologize to. And then today, she asked to go eat with me alone. It definitely felt platonic today, but I don't know what is wrong with her. Even the resident who talks to me thinks she's crazy.

I think my best bet is to stop contacting her. Let her come to me, I guess. But now I'm going to church with her tomorrow. *sigh*

It really sucks, guys. Why can't I like the other girls I talk to? I feel like I can trust this girl on a certain level of intimacy. Like, we talk about everything, stuff you wouldn't really mention to friends. At least, I've never talked about the stuff we discuss to a female friend. I enjoy doing stuff with her when it's not weird, I don't know. But, these are not the reasons I dislike the other girls. The other ones are nice to talk to, but I don't feel anything toward them. I guess I really am wasting my time. It sucks, though.

EDIT: I'll give her this. We've only known eachother for about 2 months. She had known the other guy for a lot longer, so she didn't know enough about me, at least compared to what she knows about him. That's why part of me wants to keep selling myself, to show her who I am. I do feel like we have some good things in common that she doesn't know about. Part of me thinks if she sees these commonalities, she'll start to move away from the other guy and towards me.

Willravel

See, that's the problem. I enjoy spending time with some republicans, but I'm not going to date one. Why? It just doesn't work. I can appreciate that you like to spend time with her. That's great. Dating someone who's willing to trade up at the drop of a hat is not something a person with high self esteem does. You sound to be a bright young man (whoa... I just called someone young man), but in the interest of keeping you in a stable and emotionally healthy place your best bet is to find someone who has an ounce of loyalty and depth; someone who will make you happy and not treat you like shit.

glooper23

willtravel, I added an edit to my post before I saw yours', so maybe you could comment on that, too? Thank you for the response. It may take a little more time talking to you guys for me to get it through my head. I would like to talk more about this.

Willravel

The trading up thing bodes poorly, though. I can appreciate that she may know the other chap better, but that doesn't change the fact she gave you a yes but then immediately left for bachelor number 2. To be blunt: das fucked up. I would put it in line with behaviors like cheating.

glooper23

There is one piece of info I haven't given. She was drunk when she agreed to go out with me, and she claims she doesn't remember it. But, she drove home and acted coherent when we kissed and talked, so I had little reason to believe she was too drunk to understand what she was saying.

I called her bluff on it, but the way she reacted later to me telling her what she said, I do believe she has no memory of it. Regardless, I left that part out because she shouldn't have let herself get into that situation in the first place.

She originally said she was "playing the field", which is why she's been nice to me and the other guy. But then she admitted a couple days ago she isn't doing a good job of that because she's interested in this guy.

The more I talk about it with you, the more it annoys me.

Willravel

That adds a whole different dimension to this situation. She got drunk (this is a personal warning sign for me, but your call), then asked you out. Could have been a result of the inebriation. Since there's no way to prove otherwise, one should assume she's innocent. If you're like me and base your own personal philosophy on the justice system's old motto: innocent until proven guilty.

If she's willing yo date you, and only you, then you've got a shot. I suppose. I mean the fact that when she gets drunk she asks people out is troubling. When I get drunk I have an urge to listen to music. I suppose everyone experiences it differently.

glooper23

The other reason I didn't even mention the drinking is because of how she treated me the week up to that. She was asking me to call her every day, she would eat dinner with me and talk like we're on a date... it was totally leading me on. So, it was not an isolated incident when she was drunk. I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she's been honest with me the whole time. And, it's not like she's going out with someone she met after me. She was interested in this guy from the beginning.

I am certainly upset with her, and I think it'll be better if I let off a little bit and let her come to me. It hurts so badly... I can't get her off my mind. I still can't pinpoint why I like this girl more than anyone else.

Part of me wants to try as hard as I can to show her I'm the kind of guy she wants. Just give it a shot to prove to her how much we have in common before she gets even more serious with this guy. Aside from the immaturity regarding relationships, she is a great person, and it's one of the first times I'm not basing my attraction on sexuality / physical appearance. But, I guess if I attempt to do this, I have to go in knowing I can and quite possibly will get hurt. But, at this point, I already feel weird around her. ugh.

analog

I say move along... there's nothing more to see here. She likes to play games by taking whatever is around at the moment if who she wants isn't yet available.

I just see you getting hurt more on an ongoing basis if you continue to pursue things with her.

Hyacinthe

My recommendation - still get the hell away from her. Why? here's a summary of what you've said that I can see

1.) You like girl - girl likes other guy
2.) Girl gets drunk makes out with you, agrees to go out. LEADS YOU ON.
3.) Guy No 2 calls girl - she leaves you for him

Far as I can see number 3 is just going to repeat and repeat and repeat, you will ALWAYS be second best with this girl. Is that something you are willing to deal with for however long the relationship lasts? That no matter how much you care for her she'll always care for someone else more then you.

I see any relationship between the two of you ending in heartbreak with you finding out she has cheated on you with another guy.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

pig

yep. whether she backed off a drunken offer of committed courting or not only goes as to her fundamental character. whether or not she's into you is settled by hyancinthe's #3. so if you have to attempt this, and sometimes you just have to do what you've got to do, remember not to share financial information or buy ridiculously expensive gifts. and don't take pictures of your johnson and send them to her on the phone. written confessions of felonies or other serious crime should probably be avoided, even in chat.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

glooper23

lol, thanks. I'm going to attempt to avoid her for the next few days.

I love all the responses, thanks so much.

albania

Indeed, avoision may be the best solution for now(I don't say evasion I say avoision). Take it slow, and good luck.

thingstodo

Sounds to me like you were a rebound love interest. And now you're number two on her hit list. I agree with everyone else that it's time to head for the hills!

__________________
If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

glooper23

Well, I was cold to her this morning at church. I only responded when she did, and I didn't smile at all. She asked to eat with me after, and I said no. I don't know why it hurts so much.. it shouldn't.

raveneye

gloop, I don't mean to trivialize, but maybe this will give you a laugh or two. Back in 1967 a fellow by the name of Buddy Buie was going through exactly the same thing as you are now, and wrote a song about it, called "Spooky". The song became a hit and Buie has been living off the royalties ever since. You might want to check it out while you're chilling. You're definitely not alone.


In the cool of the evening when ev'rything is gettin' kind of groovy,
I call you up and ask you if you want to go and meet and see a movie,
First you say no, you've got some plans for the night,
And then you stop, and say, "All right."
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you.

You always keep me guessin', I never seem to know what you are thinkin'.
And if a fella looks at you, it's for sure your little eye will be a-winkin'.
I get confused, 'cause I don't know where I stand,
And then you smile, and hold my hand.
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you.
Spooky!

If you decide someday to stop this little game that you are playin',
I'm gonna tell you all what my heart's been a-dyin' to be sayin'.
Just like a ghost, you've been a-hauntin' my dreams,
So I'll propose... on Halloween.
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you.

Spooky,
Spooky,
Spooky,
Oh-whoa, all right,
I said Spooky!

glooper23

*sigh*, yeah that song sounds about right lol.

fresnelly

Yes it should. Your heart is broken, that's why. Try to take a moment and fully appreciate that fact. It's the feeling that has inspired so much music and poetry after all.

If this was an 80's movie, there would be this other girl hanging around who wears glasses and a pony tail who is really the one that you want, but unfortunately you can't notice until it's almost too late. Seeing her wither her hair down and without her glasses on would finally make you aware of the first girl's flaws and disinterest.

This isn't a movie so you'll just have to listen to the sage advice of all the others who have posted above. They have the benefit of an objective position.

Believe it or not, you will get over her. The intensity of your feelings may not diminsh over time, but the amount of time you spend having those feelings will. You don't need to be cold or cruel to her, just stronger resolve.

And keep an eye out for that girl with the glasses and the pony tail.

__________________
Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

glooper23

I hear ya, fresnelly. There are people around me, but I feel so alone. I've tried to hang out with them and have fun, but it's not the same. I'm trying my best to prove to myself this girl isn't worth my time. I can't take this anymore. I've been sitting here for 4 hours playing guitar at the computer, thinking of her. I have to stop mulling over it.

Shauk

I know how you feel man. I let it draw out for a long time though, it only gets harder to pull away the longer you let it go on.

glooper23

Well, I've decided to let her go. She and I aint going anywhere, so in a year, maybe something will happen.

Datalife2

shes not worth it. Girls like to have a back up. They blend guys together when hey break up so they arnt alone ever. She just wants attention it looks like. She doenst even know herself if shes pulling crap like this.

__________________
where's my lighter?