Washington

How do you deal with it?


Its starting to affect other areas of my life/make me feel depressed. I live with this person (roomate). I think she might feel some of the same feelings, but is engaged to someone else (who lives far away).

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there is no absolute, only the moment.

seretogis

It's not going to happen, so you need closure. Talk to her about it, let her know what makes you think that she may return those feelings and allow her to (likely) shoot those assumptions of yours down. Then, just go from there. Once you have a solid yes / no from her you can try to channel those feelings you have in a more productive direction. There will likely be some uncomfortable moments, but fight your way through them.

If, on the other hand, she feels strongly for you, just be sure that you can beat up her fiance who is going to be totally pissed at you for breaking up their engagement.

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seretogis - sieg heil
perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most, forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same, open my eyes wake up in flames

Washington

Telling her would get it over with, one way or another.

Thing is, I live with her, and I work with her. If it turned out to be bad/awkward....it would be hard to avoid eachother.


I need to find some way to hate her.....bad that is that the imperfections that other people seem to be annoyed by.....I just think are cute.

ugghhh stupid life

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there is no absolute, only the moment.

rlbond86

Yeah, they're cute... for a while. Listen up:

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
You won't believe me now, but you don't want to be with this person. There's obviously things you can't talk about to her. She's not the right one. It will take a long time but you will realize this eventually.

spectre

It's not going to happen, and you shouldn't make yourself hate her. What you need is to get yourself to realize that it's not going to happen, then start looking for someone else. She may seem interested in you, but she just probably is just missing the day to day attention that she can't get from him since he lives so far away.

__________________
"Fuck these chains
No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

Washington

Probably very true.

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

spectre

Yeah, sorry. I have one friend who keeps getting into that situation where he keeps meeting these women that he thinks are great, but they always have boyfriends they bitch non-stop about. He always thinks that they're about to split up with the boyfriend and then he can move in since those women like him so much. I always end up having to have that talk with him that she's not going to leave the bf, she's just complaining to someone that she sees as a friend.

__________________
"Fuck these chains
No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

Washington

I should get a date with someone else. That might help.

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

Average_Joe

Wow, this sounds like the story of my entire single life. For some reason I always found the best ones extremely taken. Closure is always the best way to go, but sometimes, like in your case, professing your love to your roommate would be awkward.

Try to live with it as long as you can stand it, if it makes sense to do that, then when you can't stand it any longer, move out.

Finding an available girl, as mentioned above, would also take the edge off.

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I think I'll procrastinate......in a little while.

Sultana

You could always move out. Get another job. Get a date.

That'll take care of business.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

fresnelly

I'm going to be the opposite of me here for a moment and propose that you go for it. Confess your love, make a drunken pass, write her a poem, whatever. Just go for it.

Most likely it will blow up in your face and you'll have to deal with the brutally awkward fallout, but then you'll know for sure and get that closure. If the ultimate result of either concealing or revealing your feelings is never seeing her again, at least the latter has some excitement to it.

Don't like those odds? Start hanging out with other women so you can get over her.

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

Kpax

Well, of all things that make me think that I don't have a chance with a girl (and there are many), the one thing that really drives the point home is when I know they are already involved, and that is either indicated by a ring on the left hand, or any sort of official relationship.

I mean, even if I know I don't have a chance with a girl because she is just way up there, high-caliber, it doesn't discourage me from getting an idea, but if I know she is happily married, that is one thing that becomes a rock through the pond of imagination. I just totally lose interest (or avoid it in the first place) and don't even think about it.

I know what unrequitted love is like. That's all I know, for I'm 25 and have never been on a date in my entire life. I won't lie and say that I've never thought about suicide because of it, but it certainly isn't something constantly on my mind.

Mister Coaster

She's engaged, you're out, game over. Maybe the other guy IS a prick, some chicks like those guys. Even if she does have ANY feelings toward you, there is no way this situation could ever work out well in the end.

Maybe she has a girlfriend that she could set you up with?

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If you have any poo... fling it NOW!

Washington

I understand the odds and logic....unfortunately that does little to change my unlogical feelings......

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

Sultana

You may not be able to change your feelings, but you can change your location.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Toaster126

I don't see anything wrong with trying to start a romantic relationship with someone that is engaged. She isn't married.

You will probably not have the happy ending you so desire, but you won't know that until you act like an adult and communicate with her. Many people can't handle relationships with people they work with, even if they think they can.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Crack

Is it really love if it's unrequited? I used to think so, but now I am not so sure.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Washington

I put in for a transfer to a different state. She isn't the main reason that I'm moving (the transfer will be a promotion) but, it will help.

not sure if I will be awarded it though (the transfer)

I think I will tell her my true feelings right before I leave. That way I can get it off my chest, let her shoot it down, and then get the hell out of the state.

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

Toaster126

Well, now I hope she doesn't return the feelings. It would suck to hear her say "wow, me too" then you have to move away from her, lol.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

tenniels

I absolutely agree. It seems to be torture to have to live with someone that you're longing for.

Want to make things really bad so you have a reason to hate her? Tell her fiance how you feel, guaranteed to make things awkward and uncomfortable and I am pretty sure you wouldn't be wanting to have those feelings anymore if he knew all about it!

__________________

Washington

Found out from friends that she already suspected it, has feelings for me, but is comitted to her fiancee.

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

777

Dude! It's already bad and awkward. Get out as soon as you can. Take it from someone whose had his heart ripped out, put into a blender, and served back to him time and time again. GET OUT!

Once your apart, the healing process can begin, and you'll be interested in other women again. And it bites when your boss and/or coworkers come around to "advise" you on the situation.

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

pig

what did you say to the friend intermediaries? are you backchannelling this shit? i mean, in my head i can easily see a conversation starting with 'so how are things going with (insert fiance's) name" leading to a conversation about the feelings between y'all. chances are she's feeling the heat of impending total committment, and you're feeling the heat of hot chick you like and are around all the time...but if she's not happy with this guy, who knows? maybe she's committed but isn't feeling it anymore and you help her get in touch with that...regardless, be a friend first. you don't really want to get involved with someone who is either 1. engaged, or 2. who just broke off an engagement.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Plan9

Don't put your finger in someone else's pie.

Just put your OPEN sign up for them to see.

I was in a situation like that and it ate me up inside real bad. I had to distract myself with work. Uh... wait... that's how I ended up in Iraq.

Suggestion: It goes away when you occupy your time with something else.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Washington

So she got wasted over the weekend and as we layed together back at our place she confessed (while crying) that she "really loves me" "doesnt want me to leave" (transfer) and "doesnt know what she is feeling/is confused / and told me not to leave".
After that, I couldnt hold back anymore and I confessed everything.

She wanted to do more, but she was drunk and I care for her, so I held back, and put her to bed.


She didnt remember the conversation the next day.


Its going to be hard to walk away from this.

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

dirtyrascal7

Ouch.

Well... the good news is that you know she shares your feelings. I'd say that it's time to make a bold move (while both of you are sober) and put yourself out there. Whether she goes for it or not, at least you'll have a clear direction to go afterwards.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Martian

Time for a bit of Martian's patented wisdom.

Dude, the girl is messed up. I don't mean that in a derogatory way, I'm just calling it how I see it. She's in a long distance relationship and is engaged to be married. Some other dude's ring is on her finger and she never gets to see him. How do you think that makes her feel? Is loneliness a possibility?

Meanwhile, here you are. You're around her all the time since you live with her and she knows you dig her (they pretty much always do). Those two factors combined with loneliness and cold feet/second thoughts about the engagement make for a dangerous situation.

The word love gets bandied about a lot. And maybe you do love this girl. I'm not you, I don't know. I find it more likely, however, that you're infatuated/in lust with her and have gotten confused, quite possibly due to the proximity and the roommate relationship complicating the issue. Either way, this is a situation that you probably don't need to be in. My advice to you is that when you leave you give her your contact info and tell her to keep in touch. After that if it was meant to be it'll happen, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Oh, and she probably does remember the conversation you had when she was drunk. It's just less awkward if she pretends she doesn't.

Trust me, my man. As hard as it may seem to walk away from this situation, it really is your best option.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Washington

I was denied my transfer, so must stay here.


Im starting to realize more and more that she is comitted to her fiance and that its not going to happen.

Love was the wrong word, just very strongly like/lust.

Working on getting a date to help me get over this.

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

ubertuber

Good man.

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

Plan9

Women are like Baskin Robbins anyway... 31 flavors, sure, but made of the same old junk.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Toaster126

I would bet everything in my bank account that she does in fact remember the drunken conversation but is saying she doesn't so she doesn't have to deal with the mental confusion she is feeling right now.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

abaya

How is that helpful to the discussion, other than to illustrate your own bitterness? Just wondering why you felt a need to say this...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Sultana

Then why do you want one so bad?

Loose the bitterness. Before I beat it out of you! With my giant banana, I swear to god!

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

777

No no, you've got it all wrong. You've got to try 31 flavors before you find your favorite one

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny