Wunderbar

Ok so here's the story (summarized of course).

I work at a bar, and a former employee of mine comes in to hang out with a bunch of her friends. She brings a friend that I'm immediately attracted to and is attracted to me. We hit it off and see each other again since I'm friends with my former employee.

Her friend goes off to boot camp and I'm extremely sad about it. We write letters to each other non-stop and we talk about becoming a more permanent item (boyfriend/girlfriend) when she gets back. We were inseparable before she left, it really was "love at first sight", so it hurts both of us that she left.

Ok here's where it gets interesting...

One night I'm hanging out with my former employee at a bar with a couple of friends. We get so damned drunk I literally can barely remember the night. I don't ever remember drinking that much before (although that's no excuse I know) and I end up staying the night with the former employee. Nothing happened, we just kissed and fooled around a little bit because we were both curious, but didn't have sex or anything further than just making out.

My problem is, I really want to work it out with the girl at boot camp. She comes back on the 28th and I'm going to pick her up at the airport. I'm going to do what I think to be the right thing here, and tell her what happened because I believe in being upfront and honest.

My question is: did I fuck up my chances at having a relationship with this girl?

Dilbert1234567

tell her what happened, and go from there, honesty is key for any relationship.

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Cynthetiq

this girl is the only one that can definitively answer it.

We can guess, we can conjecture, we can postulate. But the reality of it is that we don't and can't know for 100% sure.

you want to hear from us, "No you didn't..." but no one here can really say that for sure.

She may not care. She may care lots. She may not care about your part, but blame her friend. It doesn't matter.

What does matter is what you communicate with her if you choose to.

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Willravel

I've never worked at a bar myself, but I'd think seeing people get shit faced all the time and taking the wrong person home every night might drive into you the importance of relative sobriety. While it seems as if you've learned your lesson, I'd like to make sure to say, "Please, don't get drunk unless you're willing and able to live with all the possible consequences."

I'm sure that telling the truth is the right thing to do. You might hurt your chances with boot camp Bella, but would you really want a relationship based on lies? Leave alone for the moment that she'd probably find out...do you really want to base love on untruth? I would hope not.

You seem to be a bright person, so I'm sure you'll make the right decision, both in telling the truth and avoiding becoming blackout, inhibition losing drunk again unless you have someone there sober to restrain you.

Jinn

Since you've already decided to the conventionally "right" thing, I won't berate you with the ethics of the situation.

However;

You might have ruined your chances with this girl if you tell her now. You did ruin your chance with this girl if you tell her later. So maybe you can't be certain that you didn't ruin it, but you can be certain that your odds are better now than later.

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Push-Pull

Sit her down, tell her about it, how it made you feel afterwards, apologize, and tell her how you feel about her. The truth now is the best way to do your part in salvaging the relationship. Withholding info about the "event" will only invite trouble down the line.

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analog

tell her you really care about her, and that you have to be honest with her about it because you care.

tell her you just made out, specify that you "did not do anything more".

If you don't tell her, chances are the friend will, especially if the friend likes you now.

"I know telling you this may mean that you tell me to fuck off and never talk to you again, but I have to be honest about it because I care about you." start there, and keep going....

either way, you could be screwed now... but that's no reason not to take the right approach to it. good luck.

Wunderbar

this is great advice. Thank you everyone. When I pick her up from the airport and take her someplace that her and I can sit down, I'm going to tell her. I can't be a liar, and I can't hide this, because I just don't want to.

I hope to anything and everything holy that it works out between her and I, but of course I can't guarantee that. I just hope she's understanding and that she still loves and respects me afterwards. Only time will tell at this point I think.

Thank you again, all of you, for your advice and knowledge in this. We shall see what happens.

ratbastid

Tell the whole truth about what happened. Be totally clear that you only made out with her (or whatever it was you did--your OP was slightly vague on this point. DON'T BE VAGUE WITH HER, or she'll make up that you had three-way anal with the girl and her cat). Tell her that you have no feelings for this girl, that you're not dating her. In other words, her instinct will be to assume the worst, and you need to head that off at the pass.

Don't confuse that with trying to have it not be a big deal. It's a big deal. She gets to say how big. I'm just saying you need to talk about what ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

little_tippler

I can only say what my own reaction would be...to me, you've made a significant dent in the "trust" of this potential relationship. She may forgive you for it, but you've damaged things and that doesn't come back. I think you've probably ruined your chances...but maybe not entirely.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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abaya

Oh my god, this is hilarious... and yet, ratbastid speaks the truth as usual. She WILL imagine every possible scenario, and check with her friend on the details (if they are still friends), if you don't tell her EVERYTHING up front. That is the only way you are going to re-earn her trust and respect on this issue. Do not let these things run free in a woman's imagination... it's a scary place.

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guthmund

As I read through this thread, I'm haunted by the words of Billy Joel.

Tell her about it.
Tell her everything you feel.
Give her every reason to accept that you're for re---eee--al.

-or maybe it was that Scrubs episode last week...

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surferlove007

Well if you guys weren't official....then you might still have a chance. However if a guy I was dating fooled around with my friend because he got wasted and couldn't control himself it would be an immediate deal breaker. You wrote letters to her and say it was "Love at first sight." Well I wouldn't be able to forget that happened between them and end it.
She might react differently...but thats how I would deal with it. I would find someone who wouldn't screw around on me while I was away. Its probably going to hurt her and she'll leave you.
So hope it works out.
Keep us posted,

Daniel_

QFT.

The fact is that the truth will out, and the longer you leave it the more anyone wonders why you covered it up.

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