soma

Today, my SO and I had a small argument. I ranted about her, she ranted about me, it was good and productive.

Her main complaints stemmed from me being cheap. To be honest, I was a little surprised to hear what she said, for two reasons. One, of all the many problems I have, she decided to complain about me being cheap. Two, I never really thought I was cheap, but she went on and on about how I do not spend enough money on her. So this is my big issue. How can I not be cheap, specifically?

(Ok, those of you who are thinking, she's a gold digger, read on. Maybe true, but the issue seems to be more about the fact that her peers see that I don't spend as much money on her as their SOs. So it's kind of like a pissing contest that she is losing, and she doesn't like that.

This thread is specifically about how not to look cheap. Thanks.)

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Having Girl Problems?

Carno

What exactly does she want you to buy for her? I really have no advice for you because I can't abide girls who expect you to buy things for them.

freeload

It could be just a pissing contest, but how is the "her vs my_stuff" spending ratio? Do you buy a lot of thing you fancy, without getting her something? That could cause her to think of you as cheap - but remember

You both had a rant - things often get blown out of proportions during rants, so it doesn't have to be that bad.

A simple way to not look cheap is to pay attention to what she likes (not just what she wants) and show your appreciation by suprising her with something in her taste she didn't ask for. If it's a "contest" get her something that counts (ask the girls about this - I'm clueless)

To wander slightly off topic, google seems to have the answer for this one too...

www.dreamproductscatalog.com

Google for "Look like a million bucks" images
That way she'd never look cheap - and she can wear it all day

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The future ain't what it used to be.

Carno

^ What.... the fuck... is that?

Hahaha....

Charlatan

If she isn't the type who wants you to lavish her with really expensive things (gold, diamonds, etc) then it is just a matter of paying more attention to her and buying her small gifts like flowers, or a card. Also, take her out for dinner to a nice restaurant from time to time.

But if you ask me, I think anyone who calls you "cheap" isn't really compatible with who you are (assuming you aren't a pre-ghost Scrooge).

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Cynthetiq

why are you asking us when it's her you are trying to satisfy?

Charlatan may be right for some girls, and may be totally wrong for others such as Skogafoss. Skogafoss loves getting flowers but is conflicted that it is a waste of money since they will just die. Cards, she doesn't get why you have to still write in them after you pick out what they say inside.

She likes jewelry but finds lots of jewelry ostentatious. So again, conflicted wtih owning and wearing them. I'd love to adorn my wife in jewels, but she doesn't feel comfortable wearing them.

Her idea of me spending money on her is taking her travelling to foreign lands.

Ask he what she means by you not spending enough money on her, not us. We can give you some ideas to try, but really she's knows what will hit the target 100% of the time.

If she gives you the "If I tell you then it's not romantic." or some other bullshit line, tell her you aren't a mind reader, there are millions of people in the world and each one has a different idea of what makes them happy.

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soma

What she means is this: When she buys stuff for other people, she will buy the best of whatever it is she is buying. She just wants the same in return, and I haven't been giving her that.

But it's not only that. She also has to hear her friends go on and on about the stuff their boyfriends buy them, and she can't say much herself.

When I think back, there have been other times where she has called me out on being cheap, which means I really haven't changed. So my question is how I can appear to be not cheap.

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Having Girl Problems?

ngdawg

I don't think there's a logical answer to that. If you truly are a spendthrift, you would be changing yourself to please someone else.
I think the question more is, is she interested/loving you for the person you are or because she wants to be like the 'other girls' and be able to say she has a boyfriend who goes into hock for her? Note, I said 'girls'. A woman will love you for what you represent to her, not what something in wrapping represents.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

soma

I was hoping to avoid the question just to keep this thread focussed on one topic, but damnit, it seems impossible to ignore. I can't help but think what she would do if I didn't have a job. Would she dump me? If so, what would be the point of sticking around if it's what I can buy her that means the most. Sigh...

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Having Girl Problems?

ngdawg

Sorry, but.....yes, that is the real question.^^^

I could tell you to not 'appear' cheap by going to jewelry outlets, buying things out of season or on clearance....but that feeds a shark. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather have time spent on me than anything else. The rest is just....stuff.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Cynthetiq

sorry sounds like shallow friends... besides there will ALWAYS be someone who can buy more or spend more, that's worse than chasing any high.

two quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt come to mind:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

edit: sorry Three quotes...

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

fitzneal

I remember having this issue with an ex a while back.

It resolved itself quite beautifully when she went on holiday with a friend to Gambia,an African tropical paradise.........but not quite,just because this brit colony was a tourist flytrap (like Mexico I suspect for Yanks) it didn't mean that the abject poverty wasn't there for all with a conscious to see.

When she returned home the lust for stuff had disappeared - I think the sight of reality made the need for £250 boots and the rest of the trappings just fade into the past.She became a 'person' overnight.


If you cannot see the truth...........then oh dear Just cos she's your G/F doesn't let her off the reality hook.

Just my twopence worth


Fitz

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DJ Happy

How can you appear to not be cheap? Simple. Get a new girlfriend.

Impetuous1

It sounds like she could be equating gifts with affection. Perhaps she thinks because you don't buy her things enough that you don't care for her as much as you could? Some women view gifts as proof of affections, sad to say. I know that I generally don't do that but have fallen into lows on occasion where I bugged my boyfriend for some sort of proof of his affection. My boyfriend is cheap. He rarely buys me anything while I am usually lavishing gifts on him because I make more money. In my case though, it was more that he forgot the little things like Christmas presents (when he knew that I was going to buy him one in advance) and not buying me the usual romantic gifts like flowers (though I'm like Cynthetiq's girl in that I'm torn about receiving flowers that are going to die).

Sultana

Well, the word "cheap" implies that you could do more for her, but won't, in order to hoard.
Are you cheap? stingy? thrifty? cautious? Fiscally responsible? See the differences?

Is she judging this personality trait by feeling it reflects the deepness (or lack thereof) of your feelings for her? Or by the sheer quantity of stuff collected? Or by getting to brag to her friends?

Need more input.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Master_Shake

Do the math. If it would be cheaper to pick up hookers then dump her.

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You know something, I don't think the sun even... exists... in this place. 'Cause I've been up for hours, and hours, and hours, and the night never ends here.

hagatha

Wow, and here I thought romance was dead. Warms the heart it does.

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Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

Demeter

I don't mean to make your girlfriend sound shallow, but I can't imagine basing my idea of how my man feels about me by how much/how much money he spends on me. I also can't imagine comparing notes with people on who got the better/more expensive gift from their man.
What does that prove? That someone has a boyfriend who loves her more because he can afford to (or indebts himself by) throwing cash around? Please.

You either need a new woman, or she needs new 'friends'.
Love isn't bought, it's given.

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I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

hagatha

Somehow i feel like there's more to this story than we're being told. And if we could hear the other side of it, I'm sure its about more than her perceived need for stuff.

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Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

little_tippler

The fact that she cares that she can't say much to "compete" with all the money her girl friends' boyfriends spend on them, speaks volumes about her. At the same time, keep in mind that you were arguing with each other and sometimes in arguments little things get blown out of proportion. Maybe all she felt was a niggling thought like "hmmm I wish I could say the same...but it doesn't matter so much because he's great and he's there for me".

Or it could actually just be as shallow as it appears. Only you know the truth - you already know, don't you? You're only asking us to confirm it, or not.

It sounds like a bit of immaturity on her part, especially if you feel her accusations of being cheap are truly unfair (are you stingy or do you buy her gifts once in a while?), and if you really can't afford to buy "the best" of everything. If she can't understand that, then you're probably not right together.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

777

This may just be an inkling on my part, but has it been awhile since you (Soma) and your SO did something special together? Like a candle light dinner followed by dancing at a club or going out for a picnic in the woods.

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"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

Sultana

Hagatha, I agree.

The thing is this story appears way too one-sided. And it's pretty easy for people to jump on the side of the presenter. I mean, as presented, this "issue" is fairly cut and dried. Would anyone even need to ask for support for having such a shallow girlfriend, who cares only for material items to keep up with her friends?

Or is it the kind of situation where everyone's getting a $45-ish corsage for their prom date, and you pick one of *her* flowers on the way to her doorstep because you spent your extra cash on a PS2 game of the week....

The repeaded theme here is "How do I appear to not be cheap", vs. "What should I do so I don't hurt my gf/embarass her/etc."

"She gives the best, and wants the same" Are we talking diamonds here? Or something else? Does "the best" to her mean the best money can buy, or does she simply have standards (won't buy day-old bakery goods to bring to a party kind of thing).

The OP really needs to provide more in-depth input.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

soma

Alright, this is the whole story.

On Valentine's day, we went out to a nice sushi restaurant. Our favorite one. I got her a gift and some flowers. The problem was with the flowers. My mom is a florist and I asked her for some roses on Valentine's day. My mom gave me 5 roses on Valentine's day and later that night, I picked up my GF from work. On the drive to dinner and during dinner, she was complaining about random little things, but I couldn't tell why. I really didn't want to get into an argument on a night when we were supposed to be celebrating our love for each other, so I just tried to bear it. After dinner, I dropped her off and drove home. While driving, I started wondering why she was complaining about such little things. The more I thought about it, the more I got upset. She did nothing for me on Valentine's day (not even a card), and she was complaining to me.

The next day, I told her how I felt about how she had no right to complain about Valentine's day. She then told me that she was upset over the number of roses I got her on Valentine's day and while she didn't say it explicitly, she also wanted a more extravagant gift from me (100-200$ range). For those of you wondering, I got her some chocolate, 100+ pieces of gum (it's an inside joke), a Kaplan GRE prep book, and dinner. The entire thing put me back around $120, which isn't a whole lot.

I didn't know who was at fault. Was I being cheap or was she expecting too much from me. Both maybe? I couldn't decide, and posted here on the TFP.

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Having Girl Problems?

Cynthetiq

so you didn't pay a premium for your roses nor did you get a dozen? seems a bit shallow but 5 does strike me as odd. I think one year I bought Skogafoss a dozen roses the day after/before Valentines because it wasn't as expensive.

Have you guys been dating long enough that you've moved to the supposed "next level" (whatever that means I never really understood it) but it from what I understand is where/when there's testing of the commitment level via things like material objects, meeting parents, discussing moving in/marriage etc.?

if you don't think that $120 is a whole lot, you just pass that Buck Twenty over to Cynthetiq, cuz I think it's pretty sizeable, considering that it is at least a days wages, a whole week for some.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

The_Jazz

I've been thinking about posting something here for a while, and I guess I finally will. I've had some experience with this scenario, probably too much of it. About 7 years ago, I found myself suddenly dating a woman that I'd always found very intriguing but who had never seemed interested in me. She even asked me out. The first few dates were fun but not over the top (in terms of price), and she started to let me know that she expected more fuss to be made over her, especially in terms of where we went to eat and presents (and the fact I hadn't bought her anything from Tiffany's yet). It turns out that one of my friends gave her an idea of how much money I made, which is something that you probably wouldn't know when you meet me. Since mine was several multiples of her salary, she apparently saw me as a cash cow and a path to an all new wardrobe. She told that same friend that she was willing to sleep with me in order to get stuff and go places. The sad fact is that she wasn't good in bed, and by the time all this got back to me, I'd already dumped her.

You can't hide shallow. I'd look deeper with this girl and see if there's anything below the surface. Beauty is fleeting but manipulative and bitchy are forever.

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snowy

Best. Quote. Ever.

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Sultana

OK. According to *my* standards, you did fine. You sound like you planned out thoughtful, meaningful and cute gifts, and sushi is never wrong! I wouldn't call $120 for V-day cheap.

She should not have complained about the number of roses. I personally would have been annoyed had you spent a lot of money of roses, and not taken me out to sushi.

And I can't believe she did *nothing* for you! That makes me a little angry, actually.

Next time, offer to write her a check and call it even.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Charlatan

Sounds increasingly like your standards and hers do not mesh.

Perhaps it is time to move on.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

DJ Happy

No, you're not being cheap and you're not at fault. She's at fault for being shallow and materialistic. She's not happy with the number of roses? Next year dump her and see how happy she is with the number of roses she gets then.

Impetuous1

I have to agree that you are not at all cheap. Why would she care about how many roses she got? I'm completely baffled. Sounds to me like you are a good guy with a materialistic, shallow gal. Maybe, if you're still with her next year around Valentine's day you should tell her it's her turn to take you out and buy you presents.

ngdawg

I think it takes a LOT of gall to bitch about the 'number of roses' when she didn't even take 10 minutes and $4 to get a card.
She's a taker. Do yourself a favor and be one, for one time-by taking your butt outta that relationship.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Rinndalir

Exactly. When a girl gets pissed because you didn't get her the 'right' gift or it isn't expensive enough for her, to me it's time to move on.

braisler

Run, dont walk. Seriously, get out before it goes too much further. It sounds to me (and many of us here) that you did more than your part in working out a special valentine's date for the two of you. She's ungrateful, needy, maybe manipulative, almost certainly shallow.

Keep moving right along. There will be another woman who 'gets' you.

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You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
- Albert Einstein
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MSD

Kill her gold-digging friends' boyfriends so she's the only one with anything. That'll show the bitches.
I do! Your girlfriend is either a shallow person or is afraid of looking like the poor one among her friends and acting shallow out of psychological necessity.
That isn't the whole story, maybe most of the story behind this particular incident, but it's enough to prove that you're not compatible with her. She expects you to do what convention tells you you're supposed to do on Valentine's day (don't get me started on Valentine's day,) and you want to do something nice for her by thinking a little outside the box. She didn't do shit for you. Dump her ass and move on.

Delirious

Why do women expect the man to be the one to take them out on Valentines or Anniversary while they do nothing.. Some women think that sex is good enough as a reward, but hell if you are the one on top doing all the work you might as well get a hole in the wall...
I can't stand women that want equality in everything but when it comes to paying it is the man's job.