Jimellow

I know a few females that openly state, almost brag, about being "high maintenance" as if it were a positive quality. Such a term has always represented a negative quality to me, and I am intrigued by this usage of it as if it were a desirable characteristic in a person.

I also am curious about what this term means to you; as one's interpretation of the term likely influences their view of it greatly.

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Cynthetiq

too much work for pussy... and usually find that it's not that good anyways.

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Ustwo

It means, 'move on' to me.

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nezmot

"high maintenance" to me, means "Incapable, and whines about it." It's the biggest, fastest turn off in existence.

Jimellow

Ustwo and nezmot: I agree with you both, but are there people out there that view it as a desirable quality?

For instance, why would someone openly brag about being high maintenance? I can see someone being high maintenance and not realizing/admitting it, but to brag about such a quality is mind boggling to me.

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Poppinjay

It's the same concept of claiming the Diva title. Most women who claim to be high maintenance believe they are "worth it".

Just like some girls are attracted to bad boys, some guys are attracted to drama queens.

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lurkette

I am a self-admitted drama queen and high-maintenance girl, but I'm neither proud nor ashamed of it. It's just the way I tend to be, and I think acknowledging it lets me choose a different way to be. For me, being high maintenance looks like needing lots of reassurance and emotional interaction, and being a bit demanding when it comes to getting what I want. I like being the center of attention. Until recently (a year or two ago) I wasn't aware of these traits in myself - they were there, but I was totally blind to them. Now I can recognize when I'm doing them and choose whether that's the way I want to be or not. Sometimes it's useful - when I'm leading a meeting or working with a crew of people, it's helpful to be able to command attention - but sometimes it's not, like when I'm being stubborn and one-way about something and refusing to see the other person's point of view, or when I'm being clingy and insecure.

I think someone who proclaims proudly that she is "high maintenance" probably doesn't realize the trail of destruction and frustration and bitterness she leaves in her wake. She's probably just very insecure and uses the "high maintenance" behavior to prove her worth.

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Mantus

Hey guys, been a while.


The "high maintenance" statement translates to "are you good enough for me?" It's a test. Weak men will get scared. Dumb men will take it seriously and probably get used. It also sets up a context that she has high value; that a guy's persona alone cannot maintain attraction and he will need to wine and dine her in order to keep her. This, of course, is a trap.

The correct responce is to ignore the comment and/or make a joke about it.

Amusingly, this line works wonders on women.

ubertuber

I've thought this for some time - but I never managed to express it so succintly. This is a troubling dynamic that is surprisingly widespread.

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Jinn

All good things require regular maintenance (good relationships, good women, good lives, good cars, good computers), but things that require lots of maintenance get replaced by the new iteration of the product, out in 2008. Of all the things a lady to do to attract attention, being high maintenance isn't one of them.

Oh .. and constantly striving for someone who will require high maintenance so that you will be needed? That makes you a tool.

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noodle

I have a friend that brags about being High Maintenance. She compares herself to a sports car... flashy, smooth, and worth the money. Personally, it makes me think "Expensive Replacement Parts", "Frequently Breaks Down" and "Requires Expert/Specialized Mechanic". That particular female is obnoxious, so for me the term ends up being negative. Her "High" is the next person's "Exorbitant".

I find myself feeling rather low maintenance because I enjoy my alone time, prefer to split the bill, encourage my sweets to go out with his friends and me with mine, and love my flip-flops and jeans without makeup. But the reverse (to a lesser degree than my 'friend') wouldn't be so bad, I guess. As long as it wasn't 100 percent of the time.

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Toaster126

All of the people I've ever seen to claim to be high maintence are not people I wish to interact with on any level, so I love it when people state that. It just saves me time.

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ratbastid

She's not bragging about being "high maintenance". She's bragging that there are men who are willing to pay the price.

nezmot

That rings true ratbastid - only it serves to make them all the more obnoxious. I don't want to spend any time at all with someone who 'keeps score'.

itch vaccine

HAHA

Thumbs up to fredweena!

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When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
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little_tippler

So...what does being "high maintenance" mean exactly? Without metaphors.

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To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
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maleficent

I would define someone as high maintence as the Carrie Bradshaw character on Sex and the City... A person with a lot of issues, selfish, basically exists in a vacuum where they are the most important person... They woudln't be caught dead in a dive bar, a casual dining restaurant, in jeans and sneakers or god forbid without makeup because style is more important than substance...

High maintence people, and they come in both genders, tend to need a lot of affirmations from the outside world, to remind them of their worth... rather than finding it in themself. That gets to be very tiresome after a while...

None of these qualities are really negative things...not willing to settle is a good thing, but high maintenance people tend to ratchet it up a notch, and it seems, though perhaps not consciously, that they are acting like this to make themselves seem more important than they really are.

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shesus

My take of high-maintenance means that the other person in the relationship has to use a lot of time and energy to keep the person happy. The high-maintenance people are unable to find the happiness and assurance within them as Maleficent said. They have many issues and are unable to think or do for themselves and would rather have someone else 'save' them and pick up the pieces. This can be brought on by insecurity or helplessness.

However, I don't think that the outward appearance is high-maintenance to anyone else, but the person who is getting themselves ready. The partner in the high-maintenance relationship doesn't have to put the make-up on the person or dress them. That is a different type of maintenance that is personally chosen by a person and doesn't necessary make or break the relationship as the first type of high-maintenance. People choose how they want to look to other people. Although the woman in make-up, manicured nails, and designer outfits look high-maintenance, it may also just be that they want to put their best foot forward and by dressing like that, that is how they do it. I'm not saying that the opposite of that is bad either, both ways are a choice and neither one is wrong or right.

However, the outward appearance high-maintenance can become an issue if the woman (or man) is constantly wanting positive feedback to know if it's 'working' or not. Especially, if the person is also a pleaser on top of being high-maintenance.

Either way, I don't think a relationship should be that hard and if I saw someone that was high-maintenance in the first description...well that's too much drama and work for me. But then again, maybe they want someone to put their foot down and make them do things on their own. I don't know..people are complex. I just know that I fell head over heels for the first guy that didn't treat me like a princess and put me on a pedastal and now we're happily married.

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Charlatan

I like to provide lot's of maintenance to my wife. But I would never be with someone that required it. I've known plenty of "high maintenance" women... not worth the pain and aggrivation if you ask me.

Additionally, the ones I've actually been with were terrible in bed. Great to look at but... looks only carry you so far.

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sapiens

It reminds me of Zahavi's Handicap Principle and a peacock's feathers. A peacock carries around bright plumage which is energetically costly, which makes him more susceptible to predators, yet peahens are attracted to it. It's as is to say "Hey, I'm so great that I can bear this big handicap and still survive and reproduce."

A woman who advertises how high maintenance she is seems to be saying "Hey, I'm so attractive that I can bear the costs of being obnoxious and still find partners. Because I'm able to bear these costs and still find partners. Be attracted to me." Some men see her and think at some level "there must be something really attractive about her if she can be so obnoxious and still find partners. I'm attracted to her."

Particularly attractive women also bear different mating costs that unattractive women- constantly having to sort through men who are interested in them. Statements about her "high maintenance" status might filter out some of those less desirable (to her) interested men, leaving fewer men for her to deal with. It could also be that she brags about her "high maintenance" only to men she finds unattractive. (Again filtering out the undesirables).

maleficent

there's a big difference between doing the well coifed, well manicured, well dressed look because it makes you feel good... I think that's healthy (one of these days I'll be able to pull it off) the high maintenance person doesn't necessarily do it for herself/himself... They do it for the attention from other people...

everything a high maintenance person does - -is about getting something (validation mainly) from someone else...

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Charlatan

Exactly Mal... this is why they were bad in bed. When you are that self involved it is almost impossible to provide pleasure to someone else.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
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JustJess

In my world, high maintenance isn't (only) someone who must wear Jimmy Choo shoes and have regular manicures, etc. That's just highly maintaining themselves. I'm not that way, but it's okay if someone else is.

The negatively high maintenance comes in when: they care a lot about what their potential partners wear, their shoes, their jobs, car, etc. Unfortunately, there's a higher correlation of Choo shoed women and high maintenance.

The even worse high maintenance comes in when: they are needy to the point of ridiculousness. Such as: you are having a conversation, you make a joke. A normal sort of joke that most people would laugh off. Not this person. They take it as if you meant them, and they get offended, and then you spend the next two hours apologizing and trying to take it back because they're so upset. When it was nothing.

The WORST kind of high maintenance person? The one who thinks they're not high maintenance. *shudder*

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Ustwo

I think there is a lot of discussion about the average traits of a high maintenance woman, but I think we are getting off the mark a bit by doing so. The term high maintenance has nothing to do with the appearance/style of the woman, yes many may be into what they wear, where they are seen and who they are with, but they could be butt ugly, wearing a muumuu and still be high maintenance. What makes them high maintenance is they require a lot of physical and emotional energy to keep them happy (if indeed they are really happy with it). There is a selfishness that is almost child like in them. I think the reason so many people associate the attractive bitch in the expensive clothes and perfect hair as high maintenance is the more attractive you are the more you can get away with it.

Dude one ‘Man she treats you like shit.”
Dude two ‘Nah shes just high maintenance”
Dude one ‘Man shes so hot’
Dude two (sighs) ‘yea’

Few or no guys ever told them off for it, and even if they did there are always men willing to play the role of sycophant if a woman is attractive enough. That being said I’ve known very unattractive high maintenance women, they just happened to find a guy willing to put up with it.

I married low maintenance myself, which means I married someone who does not always put her wants and desires as more important than mine, which is the simple secret to a happy marriage at the personality level.

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Invalid Comfort

I hope I'll be able to find such.

I've just read through this entire thing and just realized that a particular girl I happen to know and love, is extremely high maintenence. Not because of her "style" but just emotionally, and needing the attention it takes to keep her happy. She gets that attention by any means neccessay. It's quite pathetic really. I put up with it for so long without even knowing it.

It's all an attitude though, it seems people that are more content with themselves tend to me less maintence, or atleast the way it seems.

Poppinjay

This is very true. Think of the fussy person who constantly complains about that which she cannot change.

I took a phone call from a woman who wanted a toll free phone number, within 10 seconds of my search for the number I hear her mutter, "this is ridiculous". Ten seconds later, she hung up.

I would describe that as high maintenance. And she sounded very ugly. Being high maintenance is like letting your id drive your personality.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

savvypup

I'm proud to say I'm not high maintenance. Although I think there's both male and females out there who enjoy the fact someone relies on them and as Ratbastid said, are willing to pay the price. I like to keep my own ....... although a little spoiling is nice, just not expected.

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doncalypso

I agree. High-maintenance women are generally crap in bed.

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savvypup

I was once told by a bed buddy, that before we hooked up, he thought of me as 'Prim & Proper'. I'm very happy to say, I'm a bit of a rabbit in bed ....... which he later found out.

(Material) high maintenance not required. (Physical) high maintenance a must.

Sorry, I'm big on tangents!

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Zeraph

It means "I'm a time consuming idiot that will play with your emotions" It's a stage that they realize theyre high maintance, but instead of doing something about it they take it as part of their identity and strengthen it because it's easier.

Mantus

Very good Sapien. You got it right on accept for women using this comment on men she finds un-attractive. She will use this comment on all men as an intimidation tactic. It is a test. Once passed, she is no longer "high maitenance" for the guy in question, however she will continue to trow out these tests now and then to check for congruency.

Generally being "high maintenance" is simply exploiting people who are of lower value and aiming to please. Women are masters at this. Most women have atleast one "nice" guy who they walk all over. Maintenance (investment/attention) is not an attraction switch in women. Women who claim to be high maintenance fall for guys who give them just as much, if not less, then any other girl. However they may continue to exploit other men. Which creates hilarious situations where the "nice" guy keeps giving her more and more in hopes of stealing her from a guy who gives her very little "maintenance".

Men can do this as well. Infact it's allot easier for men to take this frame of mind as women have very few defences against it; as there are so few of us out there.

That's how I see it and it's been proven to me time and time again.

sapiens

I agree. Though I think that the "high maintenance" strategy is used both as a test and sometimes just to get rid of men they're not interested in. Of course, those two uses are not mutually exclusive. If they passed the test, she can exploit them. If they fail, she has gotten rid of them.

I also agree that it is a matter of relative "mate value". A woman can exploit men interested in her that are lower "value" and be exploited at the same time by men who are of "higher" value. I also agree that it is not exclusively a female strategy. Men may do it too.

analog

What he said. He's the tower of love, after all.

match000

Totally. If I got that I'd just tease her more, then take that as an invitation to *playfully* be an asshole

Rodney

If somebody were to brag that they were high maintenance, I'd say, "Really? Are you worth it?"

Some might shake it off, but that kind of blunt question generally tends to rock insecure people back on their heels. And high-maintenance people are self-obsessed, and self-obsessed people are nearly always insecure. Actors -- great example.

MSD

I view high-maintenance women in two ways. Emotionally high-maintenance shows insecurity which means that a clingy, codependent guy is a perfect match (but a normal guy would go insane.) Materially high-maintenance means that a guy who has cash and is willing to show it off and throw it around can buy what amounts to a really expensive prostitute.

Zodijackyl

A female who claims to be high maintainence is the type of person who will probably become a trophy wife of a rich man, looking great with him in public, being the object of other men's lust, and spending all his money while he's sleeping with his secretary.

According to a "running foot" (short fact at the bottom of each page) from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, surveys say most women like money more than sex.

taboo

you guys i think have dissected this topic way too much...i couldn't help but read all the reposnses though

I'll speak for myself when I say this..
I think people tend to think I'm high-maintenance when I'm not.
I like to dress nice and wear makeup bla bla bla,

but I always treat everyone equally, I don;t have a stick up my ass,
and I don;t think I'm above anyone. People will always make their assumptions about everyone else. Maybe that's because we're all insecure in some form or other.

High-maintenance women for me are the ones that EXPECT things to be done FOR THEM, feel like they're princesses, and become drama queens at the drop of a needle.



can't stand that

Cynthetiq

there was a lady on Oprah the other day, caught it when I was in the pantry getting a soda, she was upset that the high maintenance people look down on her and treat her poorly as she's a waitress. She wears fake gucci sunglasses, fake fendi purse (or some such of the like) drives a BMW 3 series (a gift from a family member) and was upset that people think that she looks down on people.

My thought and another girl in the pantry as well agreed, that if you dress the part, people will treat you the part.

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savvypup

True, but it's ashame we often stereotype people because of the way they look and not on how they act or what comes out of their mouths. Cliche I know, but actions speak louder than words. Associate yourself with those you aspire to be right? In a social sense this is.

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ciao bella!