hunnychile

New Rules for Living (not PC so beware)

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmate.com!*
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: He's mowing my lawn.
*
2.* New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.* People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.* Hey, it cost less than a dollar.* What did you expect it to contain, trout?* Luckily, it was only a finger!* (If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive).
*
3.* New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.* I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
*
4.* New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.* If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.* If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
*
5.* New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows ALONE.* Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
*
6.* New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.* Sorry but flavored water is called a "soft drink".* You want flavored water?* Pour some scotch over ice & let it melt.* That's your flavored water.
*
7.* New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people.* Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.* And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.*Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. (ouch- nj)
*
8.* New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the Asshole.* If you walk into a Starbucks & order a "decaf grande half-soy,*half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet-n'-Low & one NutraSweet," Oooh boy, you're a*Huge Asshole.
*
9.* New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding* my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the*amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"*again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.*Paper, plastic?*I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle 9!
*
10.* New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you "spiritual".* It's right above the crack of your ass.* And it translates to "beef with broccoli."* The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God that you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high.
*
11.* New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.* It's one of the 7 deadly sins.* ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating - because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next; competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
*
12.* New Rule: I don't need a bigger Mega M&M.* If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two of 'em.
*
13.* New Rule: No more gift registries! You know, it used to be just for weddings.* Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
*
14.* New Rule, and this one is LONG Overdue: No more bathroom attendants!* After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel & a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.* I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there or just some freak with a fetish.*I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
*
15.* New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months."* "He's two," will do just
fine. He's not a cheese.*And I didn't care in the first place!
*
16.*New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens!* Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the 1st place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie!

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Ilow

wow, i must not be too PC, I found those quite funny!

__________________
"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

FngKestrel

This one almost made me spit out my water onto my computer.

KellyC

LMAO @ # 3 & 13

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

jorgelito

Love it! By the way, these came up just fine on both my PC and Mac so I'm not sure what the caveat was.

Zeraph

Ya, #13 made me LOL.

CSflim

Hahahah. Very true.

__________________

maleficent

Amen... I wonder how'd they like if everyone gave their ages in months... `I'm 491 months old - deal with it... Gawd that makes me sound older than I really am... Let's stick with years... or decades perhaps...

__________________

TwoToTango

I love #10. Every time I see one of those tats I feel like saying "and I'd like that extra hot."

But the whole list was good.

Lucifer

That was great, I think I'll print that off and stick it up at work

__________________
I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

alpha phi

hear, hear, not to mention the self checkout!!!!

__________________