nonkem

Things you should know about Chuck Norris
----------------------------------------------

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the hell out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

__________________
The blood drive is a pyramid scheme perpetrated by Dracula and his blood slaves.

rsl12

Did you write this? It's very good.

__________________
oh baby oh baby, i like gravy.

Willravel

OMG that's the funniest thing I;ve read in years. Chuck Norris just round kicked my best dead baby jokes in the face, and I still want more.

CSflim

This sounds awfully familiar to that random Vin Diesel fact page....

EDIT: here it is;
http://www.4q.cc/vin/

__________________

Charlatan

Vin Diesel *wishes* he was Chuck Norris...


But just remember... Bruce Lee kicked his ass in Way of the Dragon or was it Enter the Dragon?

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

nonkem

No, I wish I had but I'm not that funny. I write rants sometimes. My brother's college friends think they're hysterical. I'll post them if you want.

__________________
The blood drive is a pyramid scheme perpetrated by Dracula and his blood slaves.

Pragma

As a practitioner of Tang Soo Do (Korean martial art that Chuck Norris practices), I have to say that these crack me up. Quality post!

__________________
Eat antimatter, Posleen-boy!

pig

as soon as i started reading this, after peeing all over myself, i thought Real Ultimate Power

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

pandafaye

Very, very funny. And yes, you should post your rants.

guthmund

I don't know why, but I laughed hysterically at these..

"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits"

__________________
No signature. None. Seriously.

DJKDAWG

Those Vin Diesel Fact are the funniest things in the world. I put them on my AIM profile.

__________________
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

fizzledorf

hilarious...just hilariosu. Since I can't see him, I'm sitting in my office waiting for Chuck to roundhouse kick me in the head

Leto

Number 5 sucks. Big time.

__________________
You said you didn't give a fuck about hockey
And I never saw someone say that before
You held my hand and we walked home the long way
You were loosening my grip on Bobby Orr

http://dune.wikia.com/wiki/Leto_Atreides_I

Sultana

This is too damn funny! #23 made me spit.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

sgn43

It's done by the same site. In fact, they're all linked at the bottom and there's even a Mr. T fact page. I found them all hilarious, but the Chuck Norris ones made me laugh the hardest for some reason. I think it's because Chuck is not nearly as over the top as Mr. T and nowhere near as easy and pathetic a target as Vin Diesel.

__________________
To be great is to be misunderstood. -Emerson

Supple Cow

I love Chuck Norris and I probably received this email form from about 10 different people. I would register a complaint about #5 because it hurts my heart, but I might die of a roundhouse related accident if I did.

__________________
"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)

joemc91

Don't forget, Chuck Norris can divide by zero too

Martian

I also clicked on the Random Vin Diesel Fact Generator and what should I find there, but this?



I leave the implecations up to you.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

rlbond86

LMAO! I love it!

SirLance

Well, I was reduced to tears. Then Chuck Norris showed up and roundhouse kicked me into a glacier.

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Naked Communist

I almost died at #15. Mental image of his finger cocked, a rakish wink and then...booya!

On another note,
Vin Diesel is the only fuel source the Enterprise needs.

__________________
We are ensnared by the wisdom of the serpent; we are freed by the foolishness of God.

----------------------

...inside the museums infinity goes up on trial. Voices echo "this is what salvation must be like after a while"...

sentimental_arm

best facts i've ever had the privelage to read in work.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Gilda

It was Return of the Dragon. Enter the Dragon was with John Saxon, Jim Kelly, and with Jackie Chan as an extra--he's the guard whose neck Lee breaks in the massive underground brawl.

Gilda the kung fu geek

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Toaster126

Ok, here are some more I'm gathered... I think I took out all the repeats.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

flamingdog

I just discovered this site the day before yesterday.

This is by far my favourite:

loganmule

some of these are especially funny, and can be applied to others...this one, for instance, perfectly describes someone I work with:

He uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure

guthmund

Apparently, Chuck is a fan...

__________________
No signature. None. Seriously.

Carno

Oh man if I found a list like this about me, I'd think it was awesome!

Funny how he turned it into a chance to advertise his books

__________________
http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

trickyy

yes, that rough segue proves Chuck Norris is all too human...but was pretty funny nonetheless

shadowfiend

This was especially funny. I roflmao-ed at that one.

__________________
Have you ever looked into a mirror and just said... damn... I'm one sexy f**ker!!! Yeah... me neither.

Stiltzkin

I prefer the term "spin kick". Roundhouse kick just makes it sound... weak. I don't know why, but "spin kick" sounds much more powerful to me.
Oh, and these two had me in stitches for several minutes: