Amazing post - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

LoganSnake · 04-21-2005, 11:49 AM

This post was found on IGN boards. User shall remain nameless to protect identity. I as debating whether to put this into Tilted Sexuality or Titled Humor. I guess this is more appropriate.

Quote:

Title: "HELP - I BURNED MY GIRLFRIENDS COOTER"

ok this is what happening,

my parents are out with family friends, and theyll be back any minute so i need your help

Heres some background:

see, i volunteer on my sisters softball team

and whatever yea i met this girl, her name is Alison, and were going out for a while. We have alot in common, sometimes i help her with homework. I hepled her on her english essay and she still got a D. This is because the teacher is a prick ... anywayz

So she came over like an hour ago, and i really want to lose my viginity, so i ask her to have sex

"no, no i cant, its not right" she said, but i told her "dont worry i know what im doing, ill be done in like 10 seconds, pluss ill give you 2 n64 games if you say yes"

So I gave her Diddy Kong Racing, and Ken Griffey Jr Baseball, and then she goes to my room. Shes a bit confused and scarred.

Then i think to myself - yo I need lube right? Cuz i heard you guys on the vesti saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it wont fit in properly.

Ok so i have no lube, but i really want to lose my viginity - so i grab some butter from the fridge, but its cold, it wont melt - so I microwaved it for 8 minutes, and then i put it in a glass and poured it on her cooter, now shes saying i burned it.

I dont know what to do, my parents are going to be back any minute and shes crying in the bathroom plz help you guyz are relly smrat and please help me.

Any idea how to shut her up? Should i give her another n64 game?

thanks

liquidlight · 04-21-2005, 12:09 PM

OMFG . . . this moron can't be serious?!

Thank GOD for TFP!!!!

shadowmaster · 04-21-2005, 12:16 PM

nooooooooo way!!!! lololololol thats freaking hilarious, thats gotta suck

a-j · 04-21-2005, 02:54 PM

Wow, that has to be fake. I can't believe anyone is that stupid.

Some of the better portions -- it really shows his age.
microwaved butter for 8 minutes
constantly referring to cooter

"plz help you guyz are relly smrat"
It'll be ok if I just give her another another n64 game.

LoganSnake · 04-21-2005, 05:25 PM

Another post by the same guy. On a side note, both these stories are made up. He says so later on.

Quote:

Sometimes life isnt as entertaining as youd like it to be. Im not a genious, im just a regular person who goes through some crap once in a while. We all go through crap. The events pretty much dies down here. This is my recolection of the events dat followed:

i been spending the whole night contemplatin things about life, you know, just the meanings, and i realized that you only achive your purpose on life once you lose your viginity

i lost my viginity last night

my gf's locked herself in the bathroom, with a burned cooter and I had to think fast

I thought to myself: what would James Bond do in this situation?

So i played goldeneye for half an hour. I turned down the volume because my sister was sleeping in the other room. I snipered alot of people, and whenever i did i yelled "SNIPERED!"

This didnt help the situation, and was a waste of time. Ok so she stopped crying but was still in the bathroom. This is when I thought, wow i could do something so romantic right now...

I grabbed my ghetto blaster and my parents cd of Brian Adams - Everything I do, and i played it full blast outside the bathroom door where she was locked in her fortress of solitaire. I said open the door I have a suprise baby, and she did.

When she opened the door i walked in and handed her a peice of dry toast and said "I could use some butter, open your legs".

She was pissed and said "shut up, you know that hurt" I said i was sorry (which i wasnt) and said dont worry. At this point my main concern is losing my viginity - i have to lose my viginity. Dad said your not a man untill i lose my viginity.

I made a new offer: 1 yellow controller, 1 expansion pack, 1 rumble pack, and WCW vs NWO world tour for anal sex. At first she said no, but i threw a fit. "whatya mean no? all those times i buy you dairy queen and this is how you repay me? bitch bitch i need to lose my viginity, you know how important this is for me!". I told her i would commit suicide if she doesnt love me.

She said "go ahead"

I looked at her and said "everything i do, i do it for you. your all that i got in this crazy world. This is it for me Alison, this is it ....

ill throw in an ice cream sandwhich and Road Rash 64"

She said ok. I needed a condon, so i used ... whats it called ... Scotch tape, and wrapped that around my peter, and this time for lube i used shampoo (head and shoulders ... or should i say penis and ass). I was thrusting her back and forth like james bond would, and it was a tight fit, Alison wasnt enjoying it as much as I was.

I didnt care.

I lost my viginity.

Thats when the door swung open and my sister saw me banging her softball teammate in the rear.

i pulled out of her and ran after my sister, scotch taped penis and all. I caught up to my sister and kicked her in the back of the knees and it brought her down. I went through my parents wine cabnet and took out a bottle. I then clenched her jaw with my hand and my fingers peirced her cheeks, forcing her mouth to open, and i poured out all the coolers and wine we had. I forced her to drink it, hoping she would get drunk and forget about the whole thing. She coughed some out, i hit her ... never thought getting a 15 year old with diabetes to drink would be so hard.

She passed out.

My peter smelled poop, so i cleaned it with oxyclean. I brushed it with my sisters toothbrush. I was so proud though, i became a man, i lost my viginity. The tape was hard to pull off, because it plucked my penis sideburns, so i left it on. Its still on to this day.

I put ice in a paper bag and shoved it in Alisons pants, and told her to get. She walked real funny, dont know why. Then i went back to work (i work for my own company and basically i surf the net for 30 cents a day, and i have 4 refferals. This is my job. I plan to buy 5 computers and surf them all at the same time. I also am working on my rap career and getting my GED)

She asked for her games and n64 stuff, but I clamped her lips closed with my index finger and thumb, looked at her and said "shhh, nobody knows what your talking about ok, next time get it in writing. If you want n64 games so bad, get your brother to steal them ok?". Then i gave her my sisters asthma inhalers and told her to leave.

I cried that night ... I became a man yo... Then i had a nightmare.

It was about this guy chasing me:

weird dream

Today was the finals of the Softball league game. My sister was sick (hope she doesnt die, like my cousin did when i pushed him down the stairs in a laundrybasket, that would be two deaths on my hands lol) and so well basically...

It was the bottom of the ninth and were down by 1. Alison is up to bat, bases empty. She hits a line drive but when she ran to first she was waddling like a penguin (prob cuz i did her in the ass) and she couldnt run worht crap. I yelled at her, "run you fat pig!". She tried but fell. She was out. Game over.

Coach doesnt want me there, says im too distracting. Says theres no such thing as volunteer coaches, and doesnt know wth im doing there. What does he know?

Prick.

No one understands us. This is why im planning to run away. I saved up 25 dollars and am going to buy a new apartment for me and alison, and we'll get married. I hpoe 25 bucks is enough. Im going to run away tonight. I will take alison, and we'll make it.

Make it on our OWN!

We'll have kids

We'll be a family

I wont be a man anymore

Ill be a father.

Not much happened I guess you could say, but thats life. I have 25 bucks to my name, and im going to show my parents im worth a damn, show em i can make it on my own. I run away tonight. talk to you fools later

Furry · 04-21-2005, 08:52 PM

...please let this be a fake post. Just... let it be...

ranger · 04-22-2005, 05:07 AM

that is too stupid to be funny. stupid things that are funny should go into humor, not stupid things that are stupid.

LoganSnake · 04-22-2005, 05:41 AM

Different strokes for different folks, ranger.

matthew330 · 04-22-2005, 05:57 AM

i loved it, i thought it was hilarious.

KungFuGuy · 04-22-2005, 08:06 PM

the second one wasn't that funny but the first one had me laughing.

questone · 04-24-2005, 10:47 AM

It was hilarious.

TheJig · 04-28-2005, 07:26 AM

I tried my hardest not to laugh, because it's so damn stupid, but he got me when he showed up at the door with a piece of dry toast, and said "I could use some butter, open your legs."

I'm sitting at work right now barely containing myself. I know it stupid but sometimes when you know you can't laugh it makes it harder not too.

StormBerlin · 04-28-2005, 10:18 AM

omg... that was hilarious. thanks for the laugh :P

cellophanedeity · 04-28-2005, 10:25 AM

hmm... not a fan of this.

liquidlight · 04-28-2005, 10:27 AM

Ladies and gentlemen, the current spokesman for genocide!

I'm still laughing, but I can't get that nagging thought out of my head that there really are people that stupid.

Coppertop · 04-28-2005, 10:34 AM

SNIPERED!

Couldn't help but think of Strong Bad there.

TexanAvenger · 04-28-2005, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coppertop

SNIPERED!

Couldn't help but think of Strong Bad there.

I have problems thinking about Strong Bad wanting to get laid in such a fashion...

Jeff · 04-28-2005, 03:16 PM

That's was overly ridiculous. I loved it.

04-21-2005, 12:09 PM	#2 (permalink)
liquidlight AHH! Custom Title!! Location: The twisted warpings of my brain.	OMFG . . . this moron can't be serious?! Thank GOD for TFP!!!! __________________ Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

04-21-2005, 12:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
shadowmaster Upright Location: anywhere and everywhere	nooooooooo way!!!! lololololol thats freaking hilarious, thats gotta suck __________________ I always make sure my job is done before I go

04-21-2005, 08:52 PM	#6 (permalink)
Furry Crazy Location: UK	...please let this be a fake post. Just... let it be... __________________ Furry is the leader of his own cult, the "Furballs of Doom". They sit about chanting "Doom, Doom, Doom". (From a random shot in the dark by SirLance)

04-22-2005, 05:07 AM	#7 (permalink)
ranger Crazy Location: antioch IL	that is too stupid to be funny. stupid things that are funny should go into humor, not stupid things that are stupid. __________________ there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and my way, which is the wrong way faster.

04-22-2005, 05:41 AM	#8 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	Different strokes for different folks, ranger. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

04-21-2005, 02:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
a-j Tilted	Wow, that has to be fake. I can't believe anyone is that stupid. Some of the better portions -- it really shows his age. microwaved butter for 8 minutes constantly referring to cooter "plz help you guyz are relly smrat" It'll be ok if I just give her another another n64 game.

04-22-2005, 05:57 AM	#9 (permalink)
matthew330 Banned	i loved it, i thought it was hilarious.

04-22-2005, 08:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
KungFuGuy Insane	the second one wasn't that funny but the first one had me laughing.

04-24-2005, 10:47 AM	#11 (permalink)
questone Crazy	It was hilarious.

04-28-2005, 07:26 AM	#12 (permalink)
TheJig Crazy Location: The Marmalade Forest	I tried my hardest not to laugh, because it's so damn stupid, but he got me when he showed up at the door with a piece of dry toast, and said "I could use some butter, open your legs." I'm sitting at work right now barely containing myself. I know it stupid but sometimes when you know you can't laugh it makes it harder not too. __________________ "Jenny, tell me, do you still walk, do you still get into sandwiches in a big way?" - Flight of the Conchords

04-28-2005, 10:18 AM	#13 (permalink)
StormBerlin Happy as a hippo Location: Southern California	omg... that was hilarious. thanks for the laugh :P __________________ "if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

04-28-2005, 10:25 AM	#14 (permalink)
cellophanedeity Heliotrope Location: A warm room	hmm... not a fan of this.

04-28-2005, 10:27 AM	#15 (permalink)
liquidlight AHH! Custom Title!! Location: The twisted warpings of my brain.	Ladies and gentlemen, the current spokesman for genocide! I'm still laughing, but I can't get that nagging thought out of my head that there really are people that stupid. __________________ Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

04-28-2005, 10:34 AM	#16 (permalink)
Coppertop Getting Medieval on your ass Location: 13th century Europe	SNIPERED! Couldn't help but think of Strong Bad there.

04-28-2005, 03:16 PM	#18 (permalink)
Jeff And we'll all float on ok... Location: Iowa City	That's was overly ridiculous. I loved it. __________________ For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. --Charles Bukowski