Redlemon

Taken from http://www.hootisland.com/columns/ar.../00000089.html :
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Having a problem deciding which presidential candidate to vote for? Don't blame you, this election's gonna be a hair. Fortunately Hoot Island is run by a benevolent dictator (me), who is, in turn, ruled by reasonably benevolent women, which means I'm in complete and total control as long as the backrubs and sweet tea keeps flowing, so we don't have to worry much about this sort of thing. But, as a friendly gesture towards a big friendly neighbor with nuclear capability, I'd like to offer a suggestion to help decide between several equally dismal choices.

No matter what candidate wins, it's very likely that you, personally, will get screwed. Once you accept that, the choice boils down to a simple question: Which president would you rather get screwed by?

GEORGE W. BUSH (REP) - Here's a guy that knows how to party! Or did, anyway, he may not remember. Anyone's guess whether he's any good in the sack, but don’t be surprised if he constantly tells you how aroused you are, regardless of evidence to the contrary. If you go out don’t let him pick up the tab, as he has a bad habit of spending his money twice. And do you really want to mess around with someone who seems to have no control over his tongue whatsoever?

On the plus side, as an experienced oil man, getting hold of adequate lubrication is just a phone call and he'd always be ready to get you flowers by the simple expedient of slant-drilling a few wildlife preserves. He’ll come up with a cool new nickname for you right away. And expertise isn't a problem, he can always call his team of advisors to help with the tough parts ("...and the clitoris is where? Really? Is it important? Can’t Rove handle it?")

JOHN F. KERRY (DEM) – If you’ve ever wanted to get friendly with one of those Easter Island heads, Sen. Kerry is the man for you! Don’t let the craggy looks and mechanical expressions fool you, this man is a nonstop lovin’ machine, this week, until his campaign advisors read the polls from Iowa and decide he needs to look more moral. Grab him fast!

He’s athletic. He’s rich. And in the event that he cannot perform his duties he’ll get “Baby Face” John Edwards to fill in. What could be better? And if something goes wrong, he'll fully support your right to an abortion.

RALPH NADER (IND) - It is entirely possible that this man has never had sex in his entire life. It's true that if he has, in fact, had any relationships whatsoever then he's kept it quiet. Or he's kept it bottled up completely. Do you want to be the first person to break in a 66 year old "confirmed bachelor"? He won't do the swing thing, he'll be too busy telling you why the vibrator you own is a dangerously unsafe device that hasn't been adequately tested and may come apart during strenuous stroking, and on top of that it was manufactured by heartless corporate megalomaniacs who trampled the environment and gleefully lobbied to successfully mangle safety legislation in order to produce that 8 inch symbol of headlong capitalistic greed you're holding in your sticky hands.

On the other hand, there's something to be said for someone without troublesome former lovers, and you can be very sure that he'll follow every safe sex suggestion every devised from the last 50 years, up to and including pre-coital colonics, genital boiling and the full body condom (latex, denim and reinforced rubber).

MICHAEL J. BADNARIK (LIB) - Be prepared for the wildest time you can possibly give yourself. Well, you can't expect Mr. Badnarik to help out, since the Libertarian Party is based on personal liberty and non-interference. He couldn't possibly lend a hand, or anything else, since your orgasm is completely your own responsibility and you shouldn't have to rely on anyone else to help or prevent it.

I'd also be careful with your birth control, since the government has no business regulating anything such as condom efficiency or progestin dosages.

Good news, though, since you can do literally anything at all that strikes your fancy, no matter how elaborate, how contrived, or how many farm implements it includes, as long as it doesn't involve anyone else. The ideal candidate for the exhibitionist or the really inventive masturbator. Besides, he’s got such a cool name.

WALTER F. BROWN (SOC) - I hope you're reasonably self-sufficient in the sex department, since the Socialist Party's "need-not-greed" attitude means that those fancy hand-tooled leather straps are out. You can use rope, or vines. Don't expect Mr. Brown to offer expensive lubricant either, since it's an expensive luxury enjoyed by the rich at the expense of the poor. Bear grease, nuthin' but bear grease.

But you're welcome to any sort of lifestyle you can imagine, just not a very comfortable one, and frankly I'm curious how "to each according to his needs" translates to someone as horny as myself.

WILLIAM K. LOWRY (CST) - If it's not specifically mentioned in the Constitution or the Bible, you can't do it. It's that simple. Americans are given the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but only if they're straight and married.

Then again, he'd be... he'd probably... I'm sure he could... I'm sorry, I'm coming up dry here.

And there you have it. There are plenty more to choose from, including candidates from such traditional parties as the Providential Party, The United Christian Party, the National Barking Spider Resurgence, Party X, the E-Democratic Party, the 21st Century Prohibition Party, and (I’m not kidding) Mike’s Party. Choose wisely.

LeviticusMky

They left out David Cobb, the Green Party nominee...

Seandq

I noticed that.

This made me laugh so freakin' loud.

KinkyKiwi

omg lol!!! so....who would yoou pick?

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

beteez2

pretty interesting