Moobie

I didn't know these things existed:

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

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A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need any one," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.

"How in the world did you do that," they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

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The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.


22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

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Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.

We like money. Give us your money you stupid consumer whore.

optik_nerve

Haha, most of the pedestrian ones are great. Thanks

dauvin

18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

Not sure I'd admit that one... X-/

Spanxxx

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

LOL. I had to laugh at this. Even though it sounds quite painful.

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I think that's what they mean by "nickels a day can feed a child." I thought, "How could food be so cheap over there?" It's not, they just eat nickels. - (supposedly) Peter Nguyen, internet hero

PayUp

3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I can almost see that happening.

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Born to Lose.