HLP

I want to hear everyone's worst joke they have ever told! It could be just downright vulger 'bad' or corny 'bad' or funny to you but not funny to anyone else 'bad'

Here's mine

Whats green and has wheels?



















...grass, I lied about the wheels.

tkkfan

A horse walked into a bar and the bar tender said why the long face?

okokok, A bear walked into a bar and asked for a......beer.
The bar tender said why the big pause--get it big paws!

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I can't believe I ate the whole thing!

CinnamonGirl

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhh.

These two guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks.

Horrible, but two of my favorites

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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

MadHatder

Why'd the pigs cross the road?

Pigs aren't Jewish.

Har har har -.-.

Latch

OK.. I don't get it.. unless it's one of those "totally random punchline" jokes.. then I get it.. I think hehe

FoolThemAll

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


Getting raped.

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I wonder if we're stuck in Rome.

Dilbert1234567

i think that ones over the line, it is in the hands of the gods now (i mean mods)

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Donate Blood!

"Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

End User

I laughed out loud. Maybe I am dememted though.

Here's mine:
Why did the girl fall off the swing?










Because she had no arms.

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People who have no faults are terrible!

Bobaphat

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. He looks at the pirate an says "hey whats the deal with the steering wheel?"

and the pirate says,

"Arrrrrr its driving me nuts"

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--size matters not-- yoda

Stare At The Sun

^ Best joke ever.

The no arms one was good to.

frozenstellar

a guy with one thong (flipflops.. whatever) walks into a pub in alice springs.

bartender asks 'wow.. nice thong. where'd ya get that?'

the guy replies 'oh.. i found it'

cracks me up everytime.

Marburg

What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor?



"Where's my tractor?"

*Bad-dum cha*

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Ask a simple question... get pain.

89transam

Two ducks are sitting in a pond
One duck says "quack!"
The other says "Thats Exactly what I was going to say!"

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I'd rather be rich than stupid.

grayman

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

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That's right - I'm a guy in a suit eating a Blizzard. F U.

Nancy

what do you call a blind reindeer?


noeyedear

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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Crack

What's long and boring and only mildly amusing...












This Thread!

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Untitled

^^^ Oooh, ouch.

that's one of my favourites...

I think any knock-knock jokes fit into this criteria....

bond007

what'd the Indian say when his dog fell off the cliff?









dog gone.

digby

Two biscuits are sitting in an oven. The first says, "Damn it's hot in here." The other exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking biscuit!"

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mmmm.... pudding

Memnoch

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Go fuck yourself.

^from "Catch Me if You Can"

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Doing my best not to end up like Kathleen Chang.

tooth

Two guys walk into a bar,


the third one ducks.

Destrox

That is just awesome.

I laughed, does that make me a bad person? I dont think so.

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You bore me.... next.

small one

Two Scottish ducks on a tandem one sats "quack"
The other said "I'm going as quack as I can"

telekinetic

If so, I'll meet you in hell, cuz i did, too!


What did Geronimo say as he lept out of the plane?









Meeeeeeeeeeee!

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twisted no more

GM2

Did you hear about the magic tractor?





It drove down the road and turned into a field!

Fenton-J-Cool

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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wra

HLP

What did the Papa Buffalo say to his boy before he went off to college?


BYE SON!

irseg

A frog walks into a bank and asks for a loan. The teller gives him a weird look and directs him to the loan officer, Patty Wack.

Patty is a bit perturbed by the fact that a talking frog is sitting across from her asking for a loan, but she decides that there's no reason they can't do it. She asks the frog for collateral, and he pulls a small pink elephant out of his pocket.

Because the situation is so bizarre, she tells the frog she needs to discuss the matter with the bank president. She takes the pink elephant to the president's office, explains the situation, and shows what he offered as collateral.

He responds, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

Those stupid jokes always crack me up.

Destrox

That was so lame.. but i still cracked a smile..

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You bore me.... next.

Lloyd

Why was the fireman buried behind the hill?















Because he was dead.

Date the Banana

How does an elephant get into a tree?







Stands on an acorn and waits.

/thank you, I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waiter!

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all work and no play make Date something something

Lunchbox7

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!"

rmarshall

Why did the farmer get an award?




He was out standing in his field!

CSflim

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.


How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.


Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

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bparker805

Along those lines...

Why can't Helen Keller have kids?

Because she's dead.

nosuchuserexist

two guys are peeing from a bridge. One says "the water's cold", the other says "the water's deep".

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"I run good but I'm hard to start. And my brakes are bad so I'm hard to stop."
-Mark Sandman - Vocalist, Morphine

nosuchuserexist

My grandma tells this one:

3 strings are standing outside a bar. The first one goes in and the bartender says "We don't serve strings in here. Get out!"

Second strings puts on a stupid disguise and goes in. The bartender looks at him and says, "You a string? You look like a string in a disguise. Get out! We don't serve strings in here!"

Third string ties a knot in himself and messes up the strands on one end. he walks into the bar and the bartender says "You a string?"

The third string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

It's dumb but there's something endearing about hearing your grandmother telling a joke like that.

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"I run good but I'm hard to start. And my brakes are bad so I'm hard to stop."
-Mark Sandman - Vocalist, Morphine

nosuchuserexist

What do you call 2 guys with one arm each hanging over a window?

















Curt and Rod

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"I run good but I'm hard to start. And my brakes are bad so I'm hard to stop."
-Mark Sandman - Vocalist, Morphine

shakran

OK, I laughed out loud at that one. I'll have to remember it.


Bad jokes? I got a billion of 'em!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese



What did the 2 year old brown cow say to the 300 pound gorilla that had just milked it?

"Moo"


How do you shoot a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.


How do you shoot a white elephant?

Hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.



What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the pool?

Bob.



What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eilene

What if she's Asian?

Irene



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.


What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A bull has the horns up front and the ass in the rear.



What's the difference between boogers and brocolli?

Kids won't eat brocolli.



What's the first thing that went through the bug's mind when it hit the windshield?

It's butt.




What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.




Last one of the evening:

God called the Pope and said He was thinking about unifying the world under one single religion. The Pope said "That's a great idea God!"

God said, "Good. Then you won't mind that I'm calling you from Salt Lake City."

Tophat665

What do you call a dead reindeer with no eyes?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A Stick

Two cesium atoms are walking down the street. One says, "Damn! I just lost an electron!" Other says, "Are you sure?" First one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

How many republican campaign managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to confuse the issue.

How many democratic campaign managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they have to be very small.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U Nique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.