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Old 07-30-2003, 06:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: USS George Washington
Kissing Hank's Ass

I only WISH I wrote this...

Kissing Hank's Ass

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary:
"Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:
"Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John:
"If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me:
"What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John:
"Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me:
"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary:
"Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me:
"Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John:
"Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:
"Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary:
"Oh yes, all the time..."

Me:
"And has He given you a million dollars?"

John:
"Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me:
"So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary:
"You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me:
"Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John:
"My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me:
"Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John:
"Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me:
"So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary:
"Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me:
"What's that got to do with Hank?"

John:
"Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me:
"I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John:
"But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."

Me:
"Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary:
"No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me:
"Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John:
"Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me:
"Who's Karl?"

Mary:
"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me:
"And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John:
"Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

** From the desk of Karl **

Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me:
"This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary:
"Hank didn't have any paper."

Me:
"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John:
"Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me:
"I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary:
"Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me:
"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary:
"It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me:
"How do you figure that?"

Mary:
"Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me:
"Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John:
"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me:
"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John:
"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me:
"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary:
"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me:
"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John:
"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me:
"We do?"

Mary:
"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me:
"You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John:
"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me:
"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary:
She blushes.

John:
"Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me:
"What if I don't have a bun?"

John:
"No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me:
"No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary:
She looks positively stricken.

John:
He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me:
"So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary:
Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John:
"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me:
"It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary:
She faints.

John:
He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
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Old 07-30-2003, 06:58 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I found this pretty funny. Don't know if it belongs here or in philosophy, though.
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Old 07-30-2003, 07:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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nicely done but I agree, it's more of a thinker
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Old 07-30-2003, 07:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I started funny, the middle was funny and then annoyance set in... which for some reason I believe was the goal... that and frustration.
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Old 07-30-2003, 07:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hehehe... Kiss Hank's ass.. a real Classic!! Good post!
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Old 07-30-2003, 08:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Bones, it's a crash course in theistic (or, more specifically, Christian) reasoning
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Old 07-30-2003, 08:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Bones, think of Hank's dictation as the ten commandments. Now look at the rest of it.
I liked it. Goes well with the letter to "Dr." Laura....
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Old 07-30-2003, 08:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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just how the hell did you know my brother's name was "KARL"?
we may have to have a talk, mikey...
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Old 07-30-2003, 08:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Not Christians, but specifically Mormons. I'm glad I found this again now that I'm enough older and wiser to understand it.
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Old 07-30-2003, 10:54 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Heh...I was about half way down when I finally "got it". This is priceless.
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Old 07-30-2003, 12:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
Eh?
 
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ahh, mk,i get it
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Old 07-30-2003, 07:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Good fun. Thanks for the post.
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Old 07-30-2003, 10:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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sorry.. i'm an idiot.

i don't get this at all... someone explain??
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Old 07-31-2003, 02:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bones
i honestly dont get it

is that the point

just a really long joke to frustrate you?
I don't understand!

i'm with this guy i was expecting a fat punch line about sticking a weiner in buns being a pun toward anal sex i was dissapointed with the end of that joke, but oh well.
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Old 07-31-2003, 05:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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strang but good
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Old 07-31-2003, 05:33 AM   #16 (permalink)
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hmmm... and just hmmmm...
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Old 07-31-2003, 09:02 AM   #17 (permalink)
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that was great
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Old 07-31-2003, 03:42 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by TIO
Bones, it's a crash course in theistic (or, more specifically, Christian) reasoning
Bones is right: i don't get it either. and as for christian "reasoning", isn't that an oxymoron?
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Old 07-31-2003, 06:19 PM   #19 (permalink)
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For the dull-witted:

Hank = God
$1 million = heaven
kick in the ass = hell
karl = priest or jesus or whatever

etc
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Old 08-01-2003, 10:24 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I thought the allusion was pretty clear. Sounds like another angry atheist/agnostic/whatever-one-who-does-not-have-a-faith-prefers-to-call-oneself letting the shit fly.
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Old 08-02-2003, 05:46 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Very good. Too bad it won't fit on a Tee shirt
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Old 08-02-2003, 09:55 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by MrSelfDestruct
Not Christians, but specifically Mormons.
Why do you say that? It seems typical of most Christian thinking to me!
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Old 12-31-2004, 09:29 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Location: USS George Washington
By the way, credit goes to Rev. Jim Huber...

And here's more Hank-ism's... gotta give equal time, you know.



Archaic Religions - Kissing Hank's ass once affected our town in various (mostly detrimental) ways.

Ancient Judaism - If you are nice to one of Hank's close personal friends, they will kiss Hank's ass for you, and you'll get some money right away. If you get the shit kicked out of you instead, it's your own damn fault. Keep trying.

Egyptian - Hank is still in town, but will get a million dollars from Bob, Joan, and Martha when he leaves. You can get some too, if you're able to hitch a ride in his limo.

Greco-Roman - Hank and his dysfunctional family are suffering from some trust issues, and aren't giving out any money. It doesn't matter whose ass you kiss; the others will kick the shit out of you.

Asatru (Norse) - Hank started a motorcycle gang and left town, but he shows up every now and then. If you want to join his gang and get the shit kicked out of you by another gang, all you have to do is kick the shit out of people who deserve it (or, alternatively, write really kickass rock and roll lyrics) until somebody makes you leave town. If you join Hank's gang, there's this huge nightclub outside of town, where we're having a blowout party. Anything goes there, even bunless wieners and all sorts of condiments.

Atheism - Hank doesn't have an ass to kiss.

Weak Atheism - Who is this Hank person, anyhow? I've never seen him. I think you guys are just making him up!

Strong Atheism - There is no such person as Hank, and there is nothing outside of town. Take me off this list.

Apatheism - I don't care about Hank or any of his money, and neither should you. Here, have some bubble wrap.

Ethical Humanism - Let's kiss each other's asses, and then we can all share the million dollar ass-kissing reward. Whether you go for Hank's million dollars too is your own business.

Scientific Pantheism - This is really an amazing Town, isn't it? Have you checked out the woods and the lake? There's really too much worth seeing and doing here in Town to worry about some guy's money or whether or not he's going to kick the shit out of you. I mean, get a life!

Theistic Pantheism - We agree completely with the Scientific Pantheists, and we have named this town, all of its history, and its entire population "Hank".

Christianity - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, he might kick the shit out of you.

Christian Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, he's going to kick the shit out of you. Read Karl's list, it's important. Only eat wieners on buns, without condiments.

Catholicism - Hank will give you a million dollars when you leave town, if he feels like it. We think that if you kiss his ass you're more likely to get the million, but it's completely up to him. Oh, and he might kick the shit out of you before he gives you the million dollars. If you want to help other people kiss Hank's ass, you are not allowed to eat wieners, not even in a bun. Karl has Hank's phone number, so nobody is allowed to question Karl's decisions, no matter how strange they may seem. By the way, we have old, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass.

Protestantism - It's OK, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass— but you'll want to, if you trust him. If you don't trust him, he's going to kick the shit out of you when you leave town. If you do trust him, he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.

Mormonism - If you kiss Hank's ass, after you leave town he'll give you a million dollars. Also, you'll get to wear his designer clothes, live in his condo and drive his Ferrari. Plus, if any of your relatives have already left town, he'll give them a million dollars and Ferraris, too! By the way, we have new, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass, if you give us money.

Christian Science - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town plus free health insurance right now! If you don't kiss his ass, you'll have to pay all the doctor bills.

Quaker - Hey, there's no need to pay any attention to Karl or his list. If you wait for it long enough, you'll eventually get a phone call from Hank. He'll let you know how to get a million dollars, what the moon is really made of, etc. You can kiss his ass over the phone, if you like.

New Age Christian - You are Hank. You have a million dollars, but you've forgotten it because of the trauma of your Catholic upbringing. My new workshop series will help you remember where you hid it.

Jehovah's Witnesses - Everybody in town should kiss Hank's ass, but only 144 are going to get a million dollars after Hank burns the town down, which we think will be Real Soon Now. Then he'll kick the shit out of anyone who didn't kiss his ass, and send the rest to a nicer, newer town. Here, have a pamphlet; it describes what we think we mean. We'll be back tomorrow to tell you why everyone else is kissing Hank's ass wrong.

Exodus Ministries - We love you, and we want to help you heal yourself of this terrible sickness of eating wieners The Wrong Way. Let us teach you to enjoy wieners only in buns, without condiments. Then, and only then, will you be allowed to kiss Hank's ass and collect your million dollars when you leave town.

Pentecostals - Kiss Hank's ass as often as you possibly can. He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town, and might even teach you a new language or two before you leave town, as long as you don't mind garggle frunning doowaddeck beeble.

Presbyterians - You only have to kiss Hank's ass every now and then and it's OK to forget all about Hank when you're home. You may have bunless wieners, or wieners with condiments, but please - don't over do it.

Brethren - Hey, kissing Hank's ass is a full time career. If you really wanted a million dollars you'd quit your job and join our organization. In addition to showing you how to kiss Hank's ass better than anybody in town, we'll teach essential urban survival skills, such as bicycle repair, dumpster diving, evasion tactics, and memorizing Karl's list.

Episcopal - Hank gives everyone money when they leave town. How much money you get depends on how often you visit our big, elaborate buildings and sit, stand, or kneel while kissing Hank's ass.

Anglicanism - A while back, our mayor wanted to throw away his half-eaten bun and put his wiener on a different bun, but still on a plain bun, no condiments. Karl said no, so the mayor recruited his own helpers and set up his own elaborate buildings in which one may kiss Hank's ass; and allowed himself and others to eat other buns and wieners (but still only one combo at a time.) We know, this doesn't have much to do with Hank, but hey, if it's good enough for the mayor, it's good enough for us.

Metropolitan Community Church - Karl says to ignore that "wieners and buns" item on the list; it's not important anymore. Have all the naked wieners you want -- with sauerkraut even. While you're at it, kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.

Southern Baptist - OK y'all, it's really, really important that you read all of Karl's list, especially those parts about the Moon being made of cheese and the wieners with buns. If you have any questions, ask us, we know what Hank wants. And if you ever, ever insist on eating wieners without buns, or with condiments, or two wieners at the same time (ugh), we have Hank's permission to kick the shit out of you, or at the very least take away your job and picket your front yard. That bunless wiener stuff just ain't right.

Televangelism - Hank really is out there, and he really wants to give you a million dollars. But he can't give you the million dollars he promised unless you kiss his ass. And if you don't, he's gonna have to kick the shit out of you. But never fear! I, Karl, have a solution that can get you Hank's million dollars. All you have to do is kiss mine and Hank's ass, and you'll be all set. Oh, and send me half your paycheck each month. It's going into...umm...Hank's Million-Dollar Savings Account. Yeah, that's the ticket! You'll get the money back as part of Hank's gift. Honest! Now pay attention while I recite my list from memory...

Amish - Hank will definitely give you a million dollars as long as you kick your own ass every day while kissing his ass. You are only allowed to eat weiners that you process yourself on your own home-made buns. Condiments? Never heard of them. If you don't kick your own ass every day then Hank will do it for you, only he'll keep on doing it and doing it forever. Also, if you kick anyone else's ass, Hank will kick your ass even harder.

Mennonite - The Amish kind of have the right idea about Hank, especially what you shouldn't be doing, but you really only have to slap your ass every day. Hank won't mind. He'll still give you the million dollars when you leave town.


Unity (Unity School of Christianity) - Hank loves you and would never kick the shit out of you. Furthermore, Hank wants to give you a million dollars RIGHT NOW, not when you leave town. For this to happen, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass, but you do have to get your own ass in tune with Hank's. When your ass is vibrating at the same frequency as Hank's, you'll notice a great improvement in your life. Also, people inspired by Hank wrote a list explaining how to get your ass in tune with Hank's, but to really understand it, you can't read it literally...you sort of have to get your ass in tune with Hank's first, then read the list, to know what it really means. Got that? Finally, even though the list clearly says you must eat your weiners in buns, no condiments, when your ass is in tune with Hank's, you'll know this really means you can eat your weiners anyway you want.

Eastern- Hank's kind of out of the picture, but there are still lots of asses to kiss.

Confucianism - Kiss the mayor's ass, and/or do your best to make the town a better place. We have our own protocol list to show you how. You won't get a million dollars, but the townspeople might appreciate your efforts. Karl sometimes gets ticked off that we're not using his list instead of ours, but our items don't really conflict with his. Some of them are just completely different.

Taoism - All asses and all dollars are all part of something important. We'd tell you more but you should figure it out yourself.

Hinduism - You can Kiss Hank's ass, Sue's ass, and/or Bob's nose. If you leave town and nobody gives you a million dollars, you will probably end up coming back to town to kiss someone else's ass.

Buddhism - Someone left a million dollars in your house. You can find the million dollars, but only if you forget that it is in your house.

I Ching - Persevere to kiss ass -- riches will follow. No blame.

Shinto - Hank is in the woods by the park. You should take a hike and kiss His ass. If you become famous you might want to change your name to "Hank" after you leave town, and then You can come back to the woods and the townies will kiss Your ass.

Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of one lip kissing ass? If you answer this question correctly on our surrealistic game show, you can win a million dollars, but even before you get the prize you won't want it. Would you like some tea?

Jainism - There is no wealthy philanthropist named Hank. You have amnesia. You've been traveling from one town to another, getting in trouble or playing the hero, racking up rewards or consequences for your actions, then forgetting all about them and moving on to the next town. If you want to break this awful cycle you have to take off all your clothes and stop eating wieners (with or without buns). When you finally leave town voluntarily without clothes or wieners, then your amnesia will go away and you'll realize you've been a billionaire all along. And hey, a billion dollars is better than a million.

Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism - Make a phone call to yourself every day, and repeat the same phrases over and over. Doing this long enough can get you a million dollars, or at least a new car.

Islam - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, he might kick the shit out of you.

Islamic Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, we're going to kick the shit out of you, and we might even make you leave town early.

Nation of Islam - We have stars on ours, so we can kiss Hank's ass properly. Those without stars on theirs are bad people; they will never get a million dollars.

Shi'A Islam - A long time ago, Karl died. Then his father-in-law tried to make his own list, but we know Karl's wife hid the real list and gave it to her son. Listen to Karl's wife's son, or we'll kick the shit out of you.

Sunni Islam - Bullshit. You know Karl's father-in-law's list is the real one, and if you don't admit that, we'll kick the shit out of you.

Sufism - If you read Karl's list (any version) you'll see that Hank really loves you a lot and wants to give you a million dollars. If you look closely at even the ugliest painting for a long time, you'll see Hank in there, smiling. Or you can just spin around in circles until you get dizzy.


Neo Pagan - Get Hank to kiss your ass.

Scientology - You will be just like Hank once you learn how to kiss your own ass (for a small fee, we can show you how to do this), and then you can give yourself a million dollars. If you make fun of us while we're kissing our asses, we might kick the shit out of you or sue you for having fun at our expense.

Discordianism - Look! Hank just kissed my ass! Oh, never mind, that's a pimple... Hey look! Flowers! Oh, my mistake— it's just a million dollars. Hey look! That cloud looks like a bunny!

Wicca - Many years ago some people were forced to leave town early, and took all their teachings with them— secrets about Hank, his girlfriend Barbara, methods to kiss their asses and vice versa. Since then, those of us who kiss ass the old fashioned way have had to make some stuff up, but we think we’re on the right track. You can join our various ass-kissing groups, some quite different from others. We’re pretty lenient on the wieners, buns, and condiments issue. We mostly disagree about what the Moon is made of, or whether there’s a million dollars outside of town.

Devil Worship - What the heck, kiss knaH's ass.

Heaven's Gate - Kiss Karl's ass, and -- oh, wait, Karl just saw Hank's limo drive by. We're leaving town NOW to catch it.

SubGenius - KISS YOUR OWN ASS! "Hank" is an ALIEN UNDERWATER BANKER from the Island of the FAMOUS SEX ACTRESSES who have a whole encyclopedia of recipes with sauerkraut and if you kiss Karl's ass just once and send us three dollars, he'll make sure that you get your a million dollars, and all the sauerkraut you can eat! But wait, there's more! If you're not completely satisfied, Karl will kiss your ass three times! This is a limited time offer, so act now -- Hank's buddies are planning to carpet bomb the town next Wednesday. Did we mention the luscious, mouth-watering sauerkraut?...

Amway - Do whatever you like with or without Hank, the important thing to remember is to kiss lots of ass. You kiss my ass and recruit people to kiss your ass in return, and so on. When you have enough people kissing your ass you'll get lots of money, and before you leave town even! Honest. Remember, you must teach your ass kissers not only to kiss your ass, but mine, my up-line, his-up-line all the way to Rich and Jay! Any condiments you use must be purchased from me.

Kibology - Hank is still here in town! His ass is most likely a government plot, written by himself. He became a billionaire and has spent the rest of his life watching the movie Paddle to the Sea too many times. He allows us to eat wieners any way we want, but please don't eat any wiener dogs named Spot (just in case). You can have a million dollars when you leave town, but it's hidden inside the aliens desguised as orange traffic cones, and only the ones along busy freeways. While in town you'll get your ass kicked by knaH. For no reason. You just will.

Twelve-Step Group Therapy - If you are addicted to, say, wieners, there's help! Just follow these steps to full recovery:
Admit you are powerless over wieners,
and insane too.
Convince yourself that this billionaire philanthropist named Hank can cure you.
Give almost everything you own to Hank.
Take a good look at yourself,
and continue to admit to Hank, yourself, and somebody else that you are one sick wiener lover.
Find Hank, or send him an email asking for help.
Meanwhile, list all the people you pissed off,
and make amends to them all— unless they don't want you around.
When you screw up and take a little bite of a wiener, don't keep it a secret.
Try your darnedest to find Hank's personal telephone number.
Do your best to spread these techniques to other wiener abusers.

Modern Satanism - There is no Hank. You are Karl. Make your own list as you see fit. Eat as many wieners as you want, any way you want, even with a large group of consenting individuals if you want! Take pride in your wiener-eating. Make up large, elaborate ceremonies revolving around the kissing of your own ass, having them photographed and videotaped by the media if possible.


Other - Do other things with Hank's ass. You'll be glad you did.

Judaism - OK, so don't kiss Hank's ass, see if I care. He wouldn't give you a million dollars even if you did. And if he's going to kick the shit out of anyone, it'll be here, in town.

Unitarianism - Hank 101: We help you explore all of the different people named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe get your million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing Hank's ass are discussed, with extra credit for completed experiments.

Rastafarianism - Hank was just here last week and I was kissing his ass, but for some reason he left town without giving me a million dollars. Oh well— guess I'll smoke some weed.

Gnosticism - Hank was a powerful con man who made a lot of trouble while he was here, left town a while back and doesn't have a cent to his name. There's a rumor of Somebody Else with loads of money Somewhere, whose ass is certainly worth kissing, but you can only kiss it after you leave town.

Baha'i - It's true! When you leave town Hank will give you a million dollars. Everything that you hear about Hank has some truth to it; eventually we'll all come to some agreement and everybody in town will be much happier. Oh, one more little thing: Hank definitely doesn't want you to eat wieners unless they're on buns, without condiments.

Zoroastrianism - Don't bother kissing Hank's ass. Since our parents met Hank before anybody else he's not interested in people (other than us) kissing his ass. He's planning on coming back and cleaning up the town someday, after he gives away money and kicks some shit out of people who leave town.

Unificationism - Hank went a little crazy after a gardening experiment went bad, so one of his split personalities started the whole Kiss Hank's Ass thing. Then a couple years later, another personality manifested Itself, claiming he was Hank's son Chris. He got the shit kicked out of him and was thrown out of town and said because he got thrown out you should kiss his ass now. Then he gave Karl a phone call and told him that as long as we start to treat each other real nice, he'll come back really soon and give everyone in town a million dollars. You should give Karl a lot of cash in the meantime because since we aren't ready for Hank to come back to town right now he needs help in getting the message out and stamps aren't free.

Deism - Hank helped build this town, but the list was entirely Karl's creation. Hank may have left clues around town about what he wants; Karl's list is most likely bogus. Don't take anybody's word for what Hank wants unless Hank tells it to you personally. Oh, and don't worry about the million bucks until after you've left town.

Solipsism - I am Hank. I built the town. I have the million dollars. Unfortunately, the negative side of my unconscious mind has a lot of influence on my conscious behavior so I will end up kicking my own ass if I don't kiss my own ass.

Objectivism - Screw Hank and Karl! I can make my own million dollars... right after I kick both of their asses.

Existentialism - No matter what you do, Hank will kick your ass so there's no point in bothering to kiss his ass or trying to leave town. The million dollars is a myth.

Nihilism - There is no Hank, there is no Karl, there is no million dollars and there isn't even a town but if you go kiss or kick a few people's asses you might at least have fun.



-Mikey

Last edited by MikeyChalupa; 12-31-2004 at 09:33 AM..
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Old 12-31-2004, 02:03 PM   #24 (permalink)
Tilted
 
haha... The first part was on Albinoblacksheep.com a while back, but I'd never seen that second part. Halarious junk...
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Old 12-31-2004, 02:49 PM   #25 (permalink)
Curious
 
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Location: NJ (but just for college)
mikey chalupa....the guy who wrote the original thing was a reverend? now im confused
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Old 01-01-2005, 02:13 PM   #26 (permalink)
Insane
 
I caught on as soon as they referred to Hank as "He".

It's an oversimplified view of Christianity, but it's pretty spot on.
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Old 01-06-2005, 12:30 AM   #27 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: somewhere over the fucking rainbow
wow... i like this... quite funny and mikeys list from the priest person... dead on on most of the faiths! lol
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:19 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Location: Denver
Interesting take---I have a few people I'd like to show this to.
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:30 PM   #29 (permalink)
Getting Medieval on your ass
 
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Location: 13th century Europe
http://www.jhuger.com/pamphlets.mv

More goodness at the link above. Ideally suited for printing out and handing to those friendly people who come knocking on the door to your house on the weekends. I used 'em and got... interesting results.
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Old 01-13-2005, 06:17 PM   #30 (permalink)
Upright
 
wow this is fun stuff.. except i'm not a religion buff, so it was hard to figure things out for a long time.
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Old 01-15-2005, 06:45 AM   #31 (permalink)
Psycho
 
ahhhhh...I didn't get it at first but, it seems very smart when I did realise, what it was.
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Old 01-16-2005, 07:16 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Location: Unfound.
This is definitely my new favorite joke. Thank you Mikey, for not being such a kiss-ass.
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