uncle phil

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee..."There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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Regziever

Lol!! number 9 was the best!! Great post!

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jwoody

Some good laughs among those. Hope they're all true.

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abelak

I think I was on one of those flights...

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pr0nster

Me too abelak.. pretty funny

rickky

Hilarious!!

hellasnow

hahaha i enjoy when they do that on a flight.....makes u pay attention....lol

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scansinboy

The only funny comment I remember hearing is somthing to this effect:
...And to our smoking passengers... you should quit. It's a filthy habit. But if you're going to kill yourselves anyway, please be aware that once you exit the plane this is a non smoking terminal. You'll have to go all the way down to the baggage claim area, which in this airport is approximately a half mile from this particular gate, and smoke outside on the curb. So if you have a connecting flight to make, better run fast.

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MikeyChalupa

Cute, but mostly made up. Flight attendants would get fired for half of those, particularly after 9/11. Most people are jittery enough as it is when flying, and to hear a flight attendant make flippant comments like that could make them complain to the airline. And firing a flight attendant or losing paying customers in this age of airlines going to shit is not a hard choice for an airline to make. Personally, I don't care, but I don't work in the customer service department of an airline. Any humor a flight attendant IS allowed to use would most likely deal with anything other than the flight itself, for example on a flight from Cincinnati to Norfolk on Delta, the FA said, "Anyone who gets up before the plane finishes taxiing to the gate will help me clean the cabin."

-Mikey

icy_ca

Nice stuff

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tulax

I actually DID get the "In case of a loss in cabin pressure quit screaming..." one on a southwest airlines flight. She also told everyone to remain in their seats with their belts fastened until we had reached the gate. Of course everyone began to unbuckle as soon as we hit the ground, so she comes back on with something along the lines of " Where do you think you're going?"

We all laughed. Ha ha.

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miked10270

Yeah. Southwest Airlines Cabin staff seem to have attitude, and personally I love it. The "Captain Kangaroo" one was an afternoon flight landing at Tucson about 1630L and it was bumpy as hell. The flight attendant said the perfect thing to break the tension after landing.

Mike.

hawkeye

Nice ones. 6 was the best tho

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oblar

have to agree with #6 being the best.. Mainly because of the very last line, but overall very funny post thanks for sharing

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bastit

i like 14

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mrquackers

I once was on a puddle jumper with maybe six rows in an exit row. The captain came on board last (no flight attendants on a flight this small) and stopped by my seat to go over the emergency row particulars, like how to open the door in case of an emergency, etc.

Once he finished, he asked me "You got it?"

"Sure!" I said.

"Good. Now remember... no practicing on this while we're in flight!"

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danno209

Ouch. I think #6 would cause some little kids to cry. =p

GremlinDelirium

LoL!! i wish my flights were that entertaining... thanks for the laughs

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bravo49

Hard to find the best, but No.13 probably clinches it

tfpfreak

I love these, I travel ALOT and think about some of these on my trip! Thanks

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