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JadziaDax 07-12-2003 05:11 PM

Hot Stuff
 
CHILI TASTER - Notes from An Inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast, along with the notes of the other two Judges of The Annual Grand Prix Chili Cook Off.

Frank: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


CHILI #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI #8 JO-JO'S LIP SMACKIN SLOW HEAT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

OROIT 07-12-2003 08:00 PM

BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
im wiping tears away
fuck that was funny:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

cchris 07-12-2003 08:34 PM

Yeah great stuff there JadziaDax.
"Walks off singing a Johnny Cash song".

Occul 07-12-2003 08:53 PM

As a fellow Yankee that can't take the heat I feel for that guy.
What did he expect, Texans ARE insane.

Slims 07-12-2003 09:27 PM

That's hilarious. I love spicy food, but I always over estimate what my friends can handle. Nobody has passed out yet though.

oblar 07-12-2003 10:06 PM

i remember reading that about a year ago ;) I still make references to it every now and again ;)

thanks for posting it

larien 07-13-2003 06:51 AM

Brilliant! I am now in tears of laughter.. :)

gloveshot3 07-13-2003 06:53 AM

chili tester-what a dream job-add some habaneros and a cup of esspresso and I would be in heaven, but I be laughing at Frank

PayUp 07-13-2003 09:43 AM

i was in tears the first time i read that

Merlocke 07-13-2003 10:07 PM

An old classic that I'd didn't mind seeing again ;)

conversequietus 07-13-2003 11:10 PM

New to me...and very funny. Thanks.

Regziever 07-16-2003 04:24 AM

Hahaha... that's one funny story!

macmanmike6100 07-16-2003 07:06 AM

Quote:

My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Quote:

My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
Oh my god great joke! This one really made me roll. That's one of the benefits of the Internet...a joke that you really couldn't present in real life comes to life!

fizzledorf 07-16-2003 07:40 AM

great stuff, man, it's not even real and I feel bad for the guy!

portieri 07-16-2003 07:58 AM

LMAO, that's some funny stuff. I just laughed harder and harder as it went on

pta200 07-16-2003 08:17 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

blindside 07-16-2003 10:04 AM

haahah

water_boy1999 07-16-2003 10:14 AM

absolutely hilarious. I can't read anymore and expect to get any work done here. Thanks Dax.

Midlandmadman 07-16-2003 10:23 AM

The funniest part was.......... I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!!!!!!!!! hahaha thats funny!!!!!!!

Stagemusic 07-17-2003 01:45 PM

I am still laughing so hard I have had to wipe my eyes, change my depends, and hold my side. Great story.

Xell101 07-18-2003 07:56 PM

Times like this I am glad I have iron clad intestines


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