uncle phil

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 A M EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.

Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation...I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimpmobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver’s side.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the D A 's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky...

- Alex

PS. Remember this motto...an armed society is a polite society!

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Wyodiver33

Love it. Hope it's true.

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I like stuff.

Willravel

Sounds an awful lot like a gun proponent fantasy.

Xerxys

I wish it was true!!

Wyodiver33

How cool would it be to surprise a mugger with a hand-held howitzer? Just the look on the asshole's face would be worth it. I'd be pretty tempted to shoot, though. "He was coming right for us!"

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I like stuff.

Iliftrocks

no doubt, cause the poster is now admitting to committing several crimes.......

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Jinn

Alas, as much as I love my shiny pistol, it is indeed, as Willravel called it.. a "gun proponent fantasy."

I've seen it in about 15 different iterations:

Here's the "South Central" one.. you'll note it was a Gold Cadillac instead of a pink, etc., etc.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me on South Central Night Before Last - Burlington Derailed — The Continuing Story

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

DaniGirl

It would be cool if it really happened.

Zeraph

Everything happens on CL or in Florida now.