mjby2

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly
remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct
Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.

Redlemon

8. A blowtorch will relieve any itching resulting from contact with poison ivy.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Moyaboy

Redlemon - Ha good one!

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"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
- Steven Weinberg

frogza

I love those

777

9. If you have the hiccups, hold your breath and count to 1,000,000,000.

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"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

Plan9

10. Relationship on the rocks? Remember: A tarp and a shovel are cheaper than a divorce lawyer.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

therealcat

Y'all don't like the way Ah drive, y'all kin jis' stay the hayell off the sidewalks.

danbo

Any woman who is offended by the sight of a man masturbating, probably shouldn't have sat down next to him on the bus in the first place.

Jelorian

A bucket of manure on your picnic table will keep the flies off your food.