Irish Jokes - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

LoganSnake · 03-02-2009, 12:09 PM

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm20the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

***********************************************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.

***********************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

uncle phil · 03-02-2009, 01:00 PM

good stuff...

Sue · 03-02-2009, 05:13 PM

LOL. Love em

Speaking of Irish jokes, I've got a really bad one.

What do you call a gay Irishman?

Gay-lick.

Xerxys · 03-02-2009, 06:09 PM

LOL'd at the deaf one!!!

Anxst · 03-02-2009, 07:09 PM

Nice bunch! I've heard them before, but having family in County Sligo, I hear Irish jokes pretty much non stop.

highdro69 · 03-02-2009, 09:00 PM

Did I do it wrong? :-P

Sue · 03-02-2009, 09:17 PM

Awww. the Irish in me is insulted.

SirLance · 03-03-2009, 03:37 PM

Those are very good!

Anxst · 03-03-2009, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by highdro69

Did I do it wrong? :-P

Loscadh is dó ort!

Mavric98 · 03-04-2009, 03:03 AM

LOL! Those were great. Thanks for posting them.

03-02-2009, 12:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	Irish Jokes Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm20the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. ********************************************************* Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.' ******************************************************** An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf. ******************************************************* Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?' She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques**

03-02-2009, 01:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	good stuff... __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

03-02-2009, 05:13 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sue Teufel Hunden's Freundin Location: Westminster, CO	LOL. Love em Speaking of Irish jokes, I've got a really bad one. What do you call a gay Irishman? Gay-lick. __________________ Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

03-02-2009, 07:09 PM	#5 (permalink)
Anxst Condensing fact from the vapor of nuance. Location: Madison, WI	Nice bunch! I've heard them before, but having family in County Sligo, I hear Irish jokes pretty much non stop. __________________ Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

03-02-2009, 09:00 PM	#6 (permalink)
highdro69 Crazy Location: Tampa Bay, Florida	Did I do it wrong? :-P __________________ "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

03-02-2009, 06:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
Xerxys Junkie Location: My head.	LOL'd at the deaf one!!!

03-02-2009, 09:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
Sue Teufel Hunden's Freundin Location: Westminster, CO	Awww. the Irish in me is insulted. __________________ Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

03-03-2009, 03:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
SirLance Junkie Location: In the middle of the desert.	Those are very good! __________________ DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

03-04-2009, 03:03 AM	#10 (permalink)
Mavric98 Tilted Location: I am not living.	LOL! Those were great. Thanks for posting them. __________________ "Hope is for people that don't stand a chance."