Vigilante

Two buddies, Steve and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar watching the Packers when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"
Steve says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin... Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verr ry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.'

Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

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We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

uncle phil

this is REALLY funny...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

BogeyDope

hahahaha wow...I had quite an image there of a pissed of wife.

__________________
Focus. Control. Conviction. Resolve. A true ace lacks none of these attributes. Nothing can deter you from the task at hand except your own fears. This is your sky.

LoganSnake

Wow, this falls into the 3% of jokes here that actually made me laugh.

Very good.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Ilow

lmao, a freaking good one!

__________________
"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

Amaras

What about the $100 bill wrapped around his cock? You know, for the penicillin to cure the clap he got from
that whore he picked up.

__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928