Contribute: Chuck Norris Jokes
 

So I'm driving around yesterfay with a few friends and the Chuck NOrris jokes started to fly. After hearing about 50 I realized this would be a grat joke thread....

My first:

Chuck Norris' dick is so big it has it's own dick.....
and that dick is still bigget than yours.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the fisrt date... Always.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

when the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for chuck norris.

They once made chuck norris T.P., but it wouldnt take shit from anybody.

there is no such thing as a tornado. chuck norris just hates trailor parks.

thats all i got.

edit:
my sister just walked by a muttered;

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris is a creationist because he KNOWS. He is the creator!

(I dont know, I just made that up. I'm opposed to Chuck Norris jokes because he backed Huckabee)

If Chuck Norris is the Creator, then maybe he can tell Ike to calm down since Chuck Norris is a Texan

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, he ate an Indian earlier this week.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

*There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

*Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too. What? Are you going to say something to him?

Chuck Norris would do anything for love. And, yes, he would even do "that."

The only chores Chuck Norris does is when he takes you to the cleaners or cleans your clock or "takes out the trash."

chuck posted this thread. he's comin after all ya'll fuckers

When Chuck Norris Godwin's a thread, no one says a fucking thing about it. They just go along with it.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".


Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Chuch Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris joined TFP years ago; he's just lurking, waiting for the right opportunity to hit us all upside the head with a heavy post.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Long ago, an irresistable force met an immovable object. This collision created Chuck Norris.

How about this:
Halx owns TFP. Chuck Norris owns Halx.

Chuck Norris CAN judge a book by its cover.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. That same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Tyler Durden says: "Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club."

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

Godzilla got Tokyo stomping lessons from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris caught Godzilla for his Pokémon collection.

When Chuck Norris runs and hides, you run and hide. And when he points at you and laughs, (because Chuck Norris doesn't run and hide from anything) you better laugh, too.

Chuck Norris does not wear condoms, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot down an enemy plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling "bang!"

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there's no sign of life there.

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they were all six feet tall and knew karate. They are known today as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. Just never his own.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lie the fuck down.

Some men wish they were hung like horses; some horses wish they were hung like Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

chuck norris knows victoria´s secret.

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he pushes the Earth away from himself.

Chuck Norris allows all of us to use TFP as a means of identifying those who do not properly worship Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Cartoon | Savage Chickens - Cartoons on Sticky Notes by Doug Savage

http://www.savagechickens.com/images/chickennorris.jpg

that's one of my favorite so far.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet... the water gets Chuck Norris.

The dinosaurs looked a Chuck Norris wrong once....
just once.

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag people, he potato bags people

Einstein once tried to calculate the circumference of the Earth, and the answer he kept coming up with was
Chuck Norris.

More an exercise than a joke.

Go to Google
Enter: Where is Chuck Norris into the search box.
Click the button that says I'm Feeling Lucky.
Read the text results.

Chuck Norris' penis has a toenail

oh wow hahahhaha

Once on the filming of Walker, Texas Ranger, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a stunt man, his foot went so fast that it traveled back in time and kicked Amelia Earnhart in the head killing her on her last voyage.


The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a covet in the back hills of Tunsca, nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional history.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

and my personal all time fav....


Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

yes its like that...

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

LOL

Literally.

Did you hear that they named a street after Chuck Norris?
It became the street with the highest fatality rate in the world because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris knows what's eating Gilbert Grape.

chuck norris hit godzilla so hard it became the geico gecko

just made that one up

The from the anti-chuck joke file.
Every night Chuck Norris goes home and prays to god. That god... is Bruce Campbell.

Atari once made an arcade game called "Fight with Chuck Norris"
Basically, you put in a quarter, and it said "You lose" on the screen....

It was Atari's best selling game.

chuck norris gets paid for sex regularly, even though noone fucks chuck norris

hmm, ive got to work on it

Chuck Norris cannot wear a condom, as his sperm is teflon coated.

my friend and i were once signing a release form to try an indoor climbing wall. my friend quietly mutters

"Chuck Norris is his own emergency contact."

i found it quite humorous :D

Bets on Chuck Norris are going at 1/1.

When Chuck does push-ups he pushes the Earth down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad hes never cried.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing and saying "Booya!"

There are no WMD's in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

in order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be chuck norris

the bible says samson killed 15,000 philistines with the jawbone of an ass. when god asked chuck norris what he thought about that. he said "thats one way to do it." god laughed at chucks wisdom, and said, "i knew you were going to say that."

we all know the magic word is please. as in the sentence "please dont kill me." too bad chuck norris doesnt believe in magic.

Chuck Norris was born toilet trained. That's because no one shits on Chuck Norris, not even Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. if you're thinking to yourself, "thats impossible, i already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

it never rains on Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that they actually grew younger.

The PS3 is Chuck Norris' console of choice as well. It can cure cancer and will deflect bullets.

Once, many years ago, a savage grizzly bear attacked an man in the woods. When the bear realised that that man was Chuck Norris it was so scared that it ran to the North Pole, and all of its descendants ever since have been born with white hair.

Some people go on about how they only drink extra-strong coffee.

Chuck Norris eats coffee beans as though they were cereal.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero

Chuck Norris can literally kick Rachmaninov's Concerto No. 3 flawlessly out of a piano.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully-loaded automatic machine gun. And wins.

...

Chuck Norris cans and sells his own urine...

We know this as Red Bull.