uncle phil

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and
eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard
balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'

'No, what?'

'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'

'No, what?' replied the man.

'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Daniel_

I love it, but my wife didn't laugh, for some reason.

Even with the mime.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

SSJTWIZTA

haha oh man.

this one has to be memorized.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

genuinegirly

hehe! Now that's rediculous.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

blahblah454

Oh thats a good one! Memorization for sure.