Atheist rant on craigslist - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Willravel · 10-31-2007, 08:35 AM

Who would Jesus do?

Quote:

You're a really, really sweet girl. I knew when I met you at that party last year that you were different, but I wan't sure how. You were really hot, one of the only other sober people there, and you speak spanish, which I enjoy thoroughly. We had a nice chat, I got your number and my friend Anne has emailed me no less than three times telling me you ask about me a lot. I was psyched to meet up with you the other night, and you looked so hot, again.

But your a Jesus freak. I mean, I know about the guy, and I think it's cool to have a spritual side and all, but you're really all about him, aren't you? It took about 5 minutes for me to realize that we were going to talk about god all night. And I really tried to sympathize with your faith that Jesus gave you a second chance at life after a rough childhood. I was struggling to find encouraging things to say, and I held my toungue pretty well. But here's the deal:

I don't believe in god, babe. Nope, not even an inkling. I'm what you call an Atheist, because your organization needs a word to describe people who don't believe what you believe. Atheist is a newer, kinder word. I would have been a heretic, sinner, witch, blasphemer or satanist had we met in another century, but now, I'm an atheist. Or secular humanist, or, as I like to say, normal. And, sadly, you're in a cult. A Messianic cult, which may be better than some other cults, but it's still a cult, and you're completely brainwashed. I mean, there's very little room in your thinking for any kind of science, let alone philosophy or literature that isn't written in praise of your Leader, and that just sucks, conversationally speaking. I mean we can't really talk about anything without your ultimate arbiter coming into play, at which point the conversation is over. Here's an example from the other night:

Me: Yeah, there was another protest about same sex marriage downtown today, I checked it out.

You: Well homosexuality is a sin against god's plan, you know.

Me: Right. More wine?

What do I say then? You trump everything with the J man, and I have to change the subject, because to debate the issue is to bring up your faith, which is pretty much not debatable. I mean, sure, I could just say I believe this because a magic pie I worship tells me so, but where would that leave us? Pretty much right here.

The toughest part is, all of your holiness is really getting in the way of my porno titfuck fantasy of you. I mean, I really want to do this, it's completely absorbing my thoughts lately, but I feel like Jesus is standing between me and my desire to make love to your breasts. I can almost see his face right in your cleavage saying, No! You will not fuck these titties, non-believer!

So, since nobody really knows what Jesus would do anyway, I'm enlisting the Son of God to get me on your tits. And here's my plan: I'm going to play along with your Jesus land fanstasy for a bit, and slowly convince you that, yes, Jesus wants us to get freaky. Any act that inspires you to yell his name in ecstasy HAS to be god's will. So, baby, let's fuck for Jesus.

Amen.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/63157665.html

The_Jazz · 10-31-2007, 08:39 AM

Holy shit that's funny.

Willravel · 10-31-2007, 08:46 AM

I liked "Right. More wine?"

The_Jazz · 10-31-2007, 08:47 AM

Personally it was the "enlisting the Son of God to get me on your tits" that had me rolling.

Menoman · 10-31-2007, 09:01 AM

lol excellent thats just good stuff

Crack · 10-31-2007, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Any act that inspires you to yell his name in ecstasy HAS to be god's will. So, baby, let's fuck for Jesus

this.

dirtyrascal7 · 11-01-2007, 08:47 AM

Quote:

I can almost see his face right in your cleavage saying, No! You will not fuck these titties, non-believer!

Haha, the mental image from this was priceless.

analog · 11-01-2007, 10:25 AM

Fucking hilarious...

Quote:

Originally Posted by willravel

I liked "Right. More wine?"

Me too.

KellyC · 11-05-2007, 09:06 PM

Funny, but I didn't laugh. Not even a chuckle.

I am, however, inspired to go back to church for the same reason.

MrTia · 11-05-2007, 09:13 PM

"right. more wine" is a standout, yes.

let me go ahead and say the hot jesus freak babe is a fantasy for the same reason that men want to convert lesbians. it's the chasing amy thing, but with jesus. like, chasing joan of arc, or something. it's a total puerile, junior high school pimply faced adolescent boy fantasy, which is not going to stop me from thinking about it for about three hours tonight...

healer · 11-06-2007, 01:10 PM

That made for a good laugh.

"the J man" was the standout for me.

analog · 11-06-2007, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrTia

let me go ahead and say the hot jesus freak babe is a fantasy for the same reason that men want to convert lesbians. it's the chasing amy thing, but with jesus. like, chasing joan of arc, or something. it's a total puerile, junior high school pimply faced adolescent boy fantasy, which is not going to stop me from thinking about it for about three hours tonight...

I converted a hardcore, small-town Mormon chick into an insatiable sex freak. My number of partners may be relatively low, but I consider that to be a legendary accomplishment.

JStrider · 11-06-2007, 07:25 PM

Thats pretty funny, craigslist has some real gems from time to time

10-31-2007, 08:39 AM	#2 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	Holy shit that's funny. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

10-31-2007, 08:47 AM	#4 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	Personally it was the "enlisting the Son of God to get me on your tits" that had me rolling. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

11-05-2007, 09:06 PM	#9 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	Funny, but I didn't laugh. Not even a chuckle. I am, however, inspired to go back to church for the same reason. __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

11-05-2007, 09:13 PM	#10 (permalink)
MrTia Tilted	"right. more wine" is a standout, yes. let me go ahead and say the hot jesus freak babe is a fantasy for the same reason that men want to convert lesbians. it's the chasing amy thing, but with jesus. like, chasing joan of arc, or something. it's a total puerile, junior high school pimply faced adolescent boy fantasy, which is not going to stop me from thinking about it for about three hours tonight... __________________ The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity. -- Bruce Lee

11-06-2007, 07:25 PM	#13 (permalink)
JStrider Poo-tee-weet? Location: The Woodlands, TX	Thats pretty funny, craigslist has some real gems from time to time __________________ -=JStrider=- ~Clatto Verata Nicto

10-31-2007, 08:46 AM	#3 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	I liked "Right. More wine?"