Mitch Hedberg Tribute - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

WM42 · 10-08-2007, 02:44 PM

This is a tribute to Mitch Hedberg one of the greatest standup comics of the last decade. Mitch died of a drug overdose in March 2005.

"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick? ZIP ZIP fuck you."

"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch."

"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escaloaor temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."

"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

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Borla · 10-08-2007, 04:46 PM

Mitch was awesome. I have his DVD and one of his CDs.

ratbastid · 10-08-2007, 07:41 PM

He went way too soon. The man was a genius.

Jetée · 10-08-2007, 11:24 PM

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

LazyBoy · 10-09-2007, 10:48 AM

"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that"

-Will

telekinetic · 10-09-2007, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Borla

Mitch was awesome. I have his DVD and one of his CDs.

I have his DVD, both his CD's, and saw him live twice. RIP, he is missed.

Ironically my two favorite jokes (and most quoted amongst my Mitch-literate friends) are from his first CD: 'Popsicles are for the summer time' and 'I like chocolate, that's for sure'

No, they don't make sense written out. Yes, his delivery on that one is awesome. Yes, quoting them over and over is hilarious.

Also, probably the best messed-up joke ever:

"If I were a locksmith, I'd be pimping that shit out. I'd be like 'I'll trade you a free key duplication, for *dissolves into laughter, audience laughs along*....

That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, cuz there's no ending."

analog · 10-10-2007, 12:08 AM

I miss Mitch. I almost got to see him perform once, but he canceled that show and rescheduled for the next night, and I wasn't available that night.

"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who'd be really mad if she heard me say that"

One of my favorites, because it takes a second before it really hits you, I found...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratbastid

He went way too soon. The man was a genius.

My sentiments exactly.

squeeeb · 10-10-2007, 07:57 AM

"i don't have a microwave oven. i have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."

guy was freakin awesome. went way too soon...

Jetée · 10-11-2007, 08:13 AM

I have way too many of these half-and-half one-liners:

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

The jokes are not nearly as good without hearing Mitch's delivery.

Redlemon · 10-12-2007, 07:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jetée

I have way too many of these half-and-half one-liners:

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

The jokes are not nearly as good without hearing Mitch's delivery.

Once the 888 area code was created, Steve Wozniak got the number 888-888-8888. He eventually disconnected it, because he was getting a lot of calls from infants who figured out how to hit one number.

onewheelwizzard · 10-16-2007, 11:23 AM

"I fuckin' hate arrows, man. They're always trying to tell you where to go. It's like, no I'm not going that way, line with two-thirds of a triangle on the end! Imagine getting killed by an arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Hey, look at that dead guy ... let's go that way.'"

10-08-2007, 02:44 PM	#1 (permalink)
WM42 Upright	Mitch Hedberg Tribute This is a tribute to Mitch Hedberg one of the greatest standup comics of the last decade. Mitch died of a drug overdose in March 2005. "I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick? ZIP ZIP fuck you." "This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch." "I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit." "An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escaloaor temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." "Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right." "When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes." Check out more.

10-08-2007, 04:46 PM	#2 (permalink)
Borla Junkie	Mitch was awesome. I have his DVD and one of his CDs. __________________ Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde!!!!

10-08-2007, 11:24 PM	#4 (permalink)
Jetée The Reforms Location: Rarely, if ever, here or there, but always in transition	"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." __________________ As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves. —Mohandas K. Gandhi

10-09-2007, 10:48 AM	#5 (permalink)
LazyBoy Insane Location: Memphis Area	"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that" -Will __________________ Life is nothing, everything.....and something in between...

10-10-2007, 07:57 AM	#8 (permalink)
squeeeb part of the problem Location: hic et ubique	"i don't have a microwave oven. i have a clock that occasionally cooks shit." guy was freakin awesome. went way too soon... __________________ onward to mayhem!

10-08-2007, 07:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	He went way too soon. The man was a genius.

10-11-2007, 08:13 AM	#9 (permalink)
Jetée The Reforms Location: Rarely, if ever, here or there, but always in transition	I have way too many of these half-and-half one-liners: The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough." The jokes are not nearly as good without hearing Mitch's delivery. __________________ As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves. —Mohandas K. Gandhi

10-16-2007, 11:23 AM	#11 (permalink)
onewheelwizzard Upright	"I fuckin' hate arrows, man. They're always trying to tell you where to go. It's like, no I'm not going that way, line with two-thirds of a triangle on the end! Imagine getting killed by an arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Hey, look at that dead guy ... let's go that way.'"